Spat at

[Mummabear101]

an awkward one and a subject I don't really talk to anyone about. Especially not my parents or sister!! They would worry too much! I met my partner - whose significantly younger than me - after I finally got away from my previous, very toxic relationship. He was amazing at the beginning. Was there at all my craziness & when I was homeless after my ex locked me out of my house & kept my children away from me. That's all resolved now & I have a good relationship with my kids, but not the ex.

Sorry, but this is long!

OK, so me & my partner got pregnant very quickly! Was mirrical considering my age, polysyctic ovaries & coeliac disease!!

Our beautiful baby arrived healthy and double strong!

Fast forward 3 years. My current partner has anger issues. One occasion he threatened to smash the glass fire front over my head - after he'd tried to strangle me. He was drunk & super apologetic the next day, so i gave him a second chance. He's punched holes in walls & doors, pulled the door off it's hinges in his rages. Most recently he spat directly in my face in front of our child during an argument. I was just trying to get him to calm down as I could see he was loosing it! When he spat, I told him to leave immediately! He always takes our baby when he goes & doesn't tell me where they are.

He says he's accepted he has a problem & has called the Dr - currently waiting for an appointment. I'm so at a loss what to do now?? Should i accept him back & support him? He's so good with our child! Or keep him out for everyone's sake!? I don't want my child growing up thinking that's acceptable behaviour! He actually has a very good heart. His brothers all have relationship issues though constantly - violence usually a factor.
I'm completely on.my own where I currently live. He has a huge family all locally.
What do I do????

From an exhausted , older mother whose trying to keep her head above water.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

This is a horrible thing to troll about

Who's trolling on here???

I'm glad he's gone OP. Don't let him back in again. Speak to the police and get legal advice. Yes yes speak to WA too.

This seems extremely fake, sorry.

I'm sorry you went through this kind of relationship, but pleased you got away. I'm convinced my one has bi polar, or some kind of personality disorder. He flips so quickly! He's been gone a couple of weeks now, but keeps with the apologies - although he does try to switch it to being my fault, or brush it over like it's all nothing.

I started this as I was sitting with my girl at a loss really. I'm.completely on my own here & he has a massive family, who will all take his side and say I'm being a drama queen. I can't carry on with this though.

Where are your other children op?

You haven't mentioned your other children since the first post. Where are they? How old are your kids?

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You need to read that book, OP. You really do.

Don’t need to read all that OP. Your partner is abusive, anger issues have nothing to do with it.

The fact that your family will be worried if you told them says it all really. You know the score with this, you’ve been through it before.

Your older children have already been subjected to one abusive man. Get them all away from this one and spend some time being single working on your own boundaries.

don't confuse abuse with mental health issues. His behaviour is not excusable or understandable

who cares what his family say

have you spoken to the police?

Please read the book "why does he do that" that someone has posted a link to above

It's a bit American but it's excellent .. especially the "myths about abusers" and the abuser profiles parts.

The man who wrote it worked with domestic abusers for decades and he picks them apart in such an accurate way, and leaves no excuses left. Not the ones they use, their partners use or their families use.

He hasn't got anger issues, he's an abuser. And like the writer of that book says .... They don't change. They can't.

Who gives a fuck if his family take his side ...
Unfortunately that's what families of criminals often do, no matter what they've done.

You're unlikely to be the first woman he's acted this way to and you won't be the last.

You don't need to have any contact with them at all - if they back up severely abusive violent dangerous behaviour like that (or minimise it or deny it). Fuck them.

You have a child with this "man" and yes shown himself capable of taking the child away and not letting you know where she is. ..
So you need to report his behaviour to the police in case something happens in future. You really need to- for your own sake and your child's.

Note down anything you can remember with dates, does t have to be super accurate and report it. You could do it through women's aid

The strangling is considered high risk behaviour for killing their partner sooner or later.

Report it and everything else.

Women's aid have an online chat service til 6 every day and there should be a local branch to you.

Ours does legal, benefits etc advice.

Can I suggest that bi polar or other MH issue would not cause this? Lots of people have it and would never consider it ok to spit at their partner and mother of their child. This is all kinds of wrong. He sounds emotionally about 5, but with the strength of a grown bloke. I was married to one of these. It escalated, and I wish I'd got out sooner. It was obvious he had no respect for me and had a deep rooted problem with women. There are lots of similarites. Please get away from this abusive arsehole excuse for a man.

He does not need help. You need to get rid, immediately.

You seem to make poor choices of partners. This man is a violent abuser. He takes your DC as he can and not tell you where they are, its an attempt to be controlling and cruel. Leave you feeling fearful and anxious. Never mind the serious , high risk assaults on you. He is the kind of man who would take your DC and kill himself and them. You need to get some support for yourself and try and explore why your so accepting of this abuse. Also if you struggle perhaps focus on what your DC are seeing. Report all incidents to the police too. You need to start building a case around this abuser. If you think your ex was a nightmare this one is no different.

You deserve better but if you don’t believe this then surely you don’t believe your child deserved to be abused because currently she is being abused and your failing to protect her.

Eldest away at Uni & middle with me. Both grown now.

He tried to strangle you and you’re honestly defending him as good with your child??? Good dads don’t strangle their children’s mothers, do they?

You need to get away from this man before he kills you or your child.

I'm bipolar, diagnosed nearly 30 years ago. I've never spat at anyone, tried to strangle them, punched holes in walls and doors or pulled doors off their hinges. So less with your feeble diagnostic skills and worrying about this waste of space - put your energy into keeping your child safe.

JFC

Get out and get your child out.

He sought you out at your most terribly vulnerable, when any decent man would have waited until you recovered. You have gone from one abuser in to the cage of another.

Make a plan and carry it through. He is not a good dad, he is not a role model. Do you want your DC to spit in your face? Strangle their partners or allow themselves to be strangled.

Please look up the Freedom Programme and contact women's aid ASAP. Do it for your child.

@Mummabear101

Eldest away at Uni & middle with me. Both grown now.

So your middle child is still with you and witnessing this?

Thanks for comments everyone. I was feeling isolated tbh. I would be saying the exact same as all of you, if I'd read this too! Sadly it's very different when your living it. Respect is definantly non existent & yes, he's like an overgrown toddler! Onward & upwards to a calmer future for me & my kids

Don't be disingenuous op. He's not an overgrown toddler and you know it.

He is an abusive vile prick. There I fixed that for you.