Annoying or controlling?

[Buckingham3]

I was hoping if I give one example people would give their opinions on if this is just really annoying or a bit controlling.

Sat in the living room with the lights on. DP walks in and turns them off as it's 'daytime'. DS8 gets up and turns them back on. DP asks why he's done that and then goes and turns them off again. Repeat a couple more times.

Now my DS8 isn't DP's, and DP doesn't even live with me.

This sort of thing happens quite often. Do I just have an annoying DP?!

Annoying and controlling. Who does he think he is? You need to sit him down and read him the riot act:

He is not your boss, he doesn't live in your house, and he is to stop telling you and your dc what to do in your own home.

Do you actually want to stay in this relationship? It all sounds very irritating.

Get shot of him & stop inflicting this petty, controlling wanker on your son.

@Buckingham3

I was hoping if I give one example people would give their opinions on if this is just really annoying or a bit controlling.

Sat in the living room with the lights on. DP walks in and turns them off as it's 'daytime'. DS8 gets up and turns them back on. DP asks why he's done that and then goes and turns them off again. Repeat a couple more times.

Now my DS8 isn't DP's, and DP doesn't even live with me.

This sort of thing happens quite often. Do I just have an annoying DP?!

It seems.like your dp, thinks he knows best, for example with the lights, it appears he does not see why they need to be on during the day etc. Could potentially be other situations that may lead to disagreements.

DP doesn't even live with me.

He is a guest in your house and is pulling this shit. I would accept that. Either he stops or he leaves.

Simples.

Oh and then this he seemed to get annoyed about your choice of hoover?

Nope. This would not work for me.

Who died and made him God?

Glad to read in subsequent posts that you are beginning to notice these things. That is very promising. Now you just need to get into action about it. Your lovely DS seems to have the measure of this man better than you.

@Buckingham3

I'm trying to the think of examples that aren't outing.

My hoover broke recently. DP spent ages looking for a new one for me (I didn't ask him to nor really want him to). He found one and went on and on at me to get that one. I found another one and he seemed to get annoyed that I wasn't going to get the one that he suggested. He hasn't hoovered at my house once!

Dear OP I chuckled when I read your post. I know that we all have situations like these happening to us, that are so annoying but seem so silly to even complain about, right? But things like these add up. It took me years, no decades, to admit to myself that these are not just little things that bother me, they are signs of my STBX being really controlling.

I actually also have an example with the vacuum cleaner. In our house, I am the vacuum cleaner queen as I am using it the most, kids sometimes, but my husband, never. However, while we changed 3-4 vacuums over the 26 years time since we have been together, I could never have one I want. It would always be something he wants. I totally understand how you feel and am telling you, yes, this is controlling and if you pay closer attention you will see more of it in different areas of your life. All kind of small and silly, but a part of the bigger picture. For a very long time I felt guilty as my husband seemed to do so much more in the house then me, take care of the finances, grocery shopping, even cooking, until I realized that he does it all so that he can control how much we spend, use. I realized this once when he was overseas visiting his family and I told him I was going to go our weekly grocery shopping. He spent fifteen minutes on an overseas phone call trying to persuade me not to go until he gets back home. I was so confused thinking, why was this so important to him, do not understand. Until I realized that he did not trust me go shopping on my own. I know, very sad, but this is just one instance, there were so many.

Finally I realized after quarter of the century being together that I had enough. I suggest you break up this relationship before it becomes anything more.

Personally the big light being on when it's light outside is a big pet hate of mine and I would make my kids turn it off too. But I suppose if he doesn't live there it's maybe a bit of a control thing? But maybe it just annoys him? Like it unreasonably irritates me so much if the big light is on but its light outside.

@DwangelaForever Not his kids and not his house though, for him to be unilaterally deciding and doing something about either.

I usually like a bright light on. My mum's the same. It's just personal taste. And it's OP's child and home, not his.

He found one and went on and on at me to get that one. I found another one and he seemed to get annoyed that I wasn't going to get the one that he suggested

Pushy, stroppy and annoying. This would escalate if you lived together @Buckingham3 .

Is a hardcore version of this the life that you want for you and your LO (who your partner has already been kind of confrontational with, even when he doesn't live with you?)

He’s setting out the rules he expects you to obey if you stay in the relationship. He controls what you do and what he allows you to have. He controls what he does at the weekends. If you don’t do what he wants he punishes you by getting annoyed.

I hope this isn’t the life you want for yourself and your son.

Even your 8yo knows to stand his ground. Please leave him now instead of putting your child through a lifetime of control issues by someone who is not his parent.

I've never really noticed these kind of things when they have happened but when I've sat here and consciously made an effort to think of examples I can see that his behaviour is odd. And like I said down post, the fact that he's done this with DS8 has seriously peed me off. They have a fantastic relationship usually!

Abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. You cannot unsee what you've already seen here.

Well you would like to think they have a fantastic relationship usually because the alternative does not bear thinking about i.e. this man hates you and barely tolerates your child. I would think that your son does not like him because of how he treats you (and in turn him) but puts up with it because he wants to see you happy.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are your boundaries like?. I am wondering if this man has taken advantage here by sensing low self worth and poor boundaries.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

And God help you and your son if you were fool enough to move this man in. He will merely ramp up the power and control and indeed he has escalated this.

If we all said it was just annoying, would you then say "Oh, thank goodness. I'm fine with having an annoying man as a boyfriend"?

@ravenmum No, but sometimes it helps to get the perspectives of people who don't know me or DP!

I mean, you think he's either annoying or controlling, right?
Of course you'd want to escape a controlling arsehole.
But surely you wouldn't want to stay with an annoying arsehole either?

He's clearly both annoying and controlling, isn't he? And he thinks he has his feet under the table and you and DS under his thumb.

When you say he doesn't live with you, are you sure he isn't worming his way in?

In addition to my previous post. He is not the Hoover God, or god of anything else.

I’d consider the boiled frog analogy. He thinks he’s got his feet under the table now so his behaviours escalating. At least you’ve noticed fairly early on, though unfortunately not quick enough to stop him starting with your son

Reading this, you could be me. I am currently reevaluating things with my OH as he does these sorts of things too, especially with the dc and its slowly been getting more and more.
His opinion or 'way of doing things' seems to be the only way he will accept. Also they are not his dc. And its really starting to bug me.

Its like the DC can't do anything right now, to the point where if he brings up something they have 'done' or 'havent done' that he doesn't agree with (think things like not putting cereal bowl in the sink instead of on the side when they have finished, or leaving a pair of shoes where they shouldn't have). Little things. Yes, that can be annoying and it annoys me too at times, but they are kids and its MY house. I should be the one bothered by anything and tackling it. Not him.

It all just sort of crept up and yes thinking back, it also started with him telling them to turn lights off.

Prompted by a PP talking about hoover decisions being made by a man who didn't drive the said hoover.

If I could play Elevenerife Top Trumps for a moment. Took me a little while (duh) to realise that then 'D'H picked 'my' car as the (his) fun car. Loosely based on ability to pull a caravan, but not really. Towards the end of the marriage I actually picked my own car. BTW neither car was payed for by his or joint money. Just mine. I think I was in the boiling frog situation. He pushed it, and many other things until I divorced him.

Paid for. Not payed. Duh.

Have a word with him and if he doesn't understand or change then seriously consider leaving him.

I am a bit like your boyfriend and mean to be helpful. I don't get annoyed or offended if people don't follow my advice but I can probably seem quite bossy when I'm just trying to help.

Who does he think he is? And if he thinks you’re too stupid to choose your own hoover or gift from your son what’s he doing with you?

Have a read of my old thread... Is my DP controlling me? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3734940-Is-my-DP-controlling-me

Note this is an EX for a reason!! Just felt a little familiar!

You’ve said how well DS and he have always got on until the lights on, lights off duel.

Are you sure this is how he feels? He is only 8 and I shouldn’t think he has much choice other than to go along with what he thinks you want.