Annoying or controlling?

[Buckingham3]

I was hoping if I give one example people would give their opinions on if this is just really annoying or a bit controlling.

Sat in the living room with the lights on. DP walks in and turns them off as it's 'daytime'. DS8 gets up and turns them back on. DP asks why he's done that and then goes and turns them off again. Repeat a couple more times.

Now my DS8 isn't DP's, and DP doesn't even live with me.

This sort of thing happens quite often. Do I just have an annoying DP?!

Dump him. He is weird and controlling. His behaviour with the light and vacuum cleaner are both weird.

You pay the leccy bill, you control if the light is on or not.

You paid for the vacuum cleaner and you do the vacumming so why is he interfering.

Bin the twat.

I have bad eyes and can’t stand a room where I can’t fully see! My DH always turns the lights off and I say I can’t see and he says oh ok and turns them back on. That’s a normal reaction? The petty turning on and off again with an 8 year old would be the red flag for me.

He sounds like an utter jerk turning the lights off repeatedly.
It's your DS's home, not his and he's overstepping the mark.
Personally I wouldn't have him bossing my DS around - and in his own home too makes it even worse.
He sounds emotionally very immature in my opinion.

Is he paying the electricity bill?

Yes.

Is this a newish relationship? I'd probably need some more examples but even without other examples, he is definitely a prick.

He was stag-fighting with your 8 year old son.

Don’t keep him around.

That's controlling. Not his house. Not his electricity bill. Not his hoover. He would only get worse if you lived together, IMO.

It's not a new relationship, we've been together for 3 years. I've just started to notice more and more examples like these.

He's controlling, and as your DS gets older he will escalate.

I find it annoying to have lights on in the day, if it's light enough. But if he's not paying the bills, it's not his business.
The hoover example is worrying too.

Another example, maybe a bit of a weak one though. DP currently does an activity every Sunday morning. He said to me the other day that he's spoken to the person in charge and he's going to do it on a Wednesday evening instead as he'd like to free his weekends of any commitments.

Next day he says he might start up another activity on a Saturday afternoon. I politely point out that the whole reason he was stopping the Sunday one was to free up his weekends and wouldn't it defeat the purpose of that by starting up something Sunday afternoon. His answer? 'It's my life, I can do what I want!'. Said in a 'jokey' way, but still rude I thought.

I wouldn't say either incident in isolation is a massive red flag, but do not allow him to move in with you and your son while you decide if it's worth it or not.

DS8 had his birthday the other week and I was going to buy him a new iPad as his had broke. DP is anti Apple and gave me 101 reasons as to why I should get an Amazon Fire tablet instead. I said no thanks I'll stick with the iPad, and his response was 'Fine, I don't know why I bother!'. I didn't ask for his opinion in the first place though!

Well, he sounds like a prick.

Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

The man you want to be a vital role model in your son's life?

He's stag fighting with an eight year old, doesn't think you're clever enough to choose your own hoover and talks to you in a way that makes it clear he doesn't want to be part of an equal, loving team.

Don't you want more for you and your son?

@Buckingham3

DS8 had his birthday the other week and I was going to buy him a new iPad as his had broke. DP is anti Apple and gave me 101 reasons as to why I should get an Amazon Fire tablet instead. I said no thanks I'll stick with the iPad, and his response was 'Fine, I don't know why I bother!'. I didn't ask for his opinion in the first place though!

Ugh fuck him off mate, he sounds worse with every update.

Sometimes it takes time to notice you're being controlled. I didn't start to see until years in and didn't understand the full extent until we'd separated.

How long have you and he been together now?.

Those red flags are flying high here and you continue here with him at your (and in turn your son’s) emotional peril. This man is certainly no decent male role model to your son either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?.

Your own boundaries, perhaps already bashed by past abusive experience, are being further mashed by this man now. He really does need to be gone from your lives. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Last example, I promise! Me and DP will be watching TV and I'll get up to pop to the loo. He'll say that he'll pause the programme, and if I'm not that bothered about it I'll say no, don't worry it's ok, and he'll insist that he pauses it, which then makes me feel like I need to be as quick as possible in the toilet!

OP have you realised he isn't a good fit for you and now you're realising all the annoying / boundary stomping things he does? Sounds like it.

End it - as I said, is he really the person you want to spend forever with / a male role model you want in your son's life?

He sounds awful.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Yes I've noticed things lately but the light switch incident with my DS8 tonight has really got my back up!

What happens if you take your time, are there consequences?
Work on not feeling harried by this kind of interaction.

My exh used to do stuff like that. He was controlling. He'd turn the lights off in the evening as they were 'too bright'. Even in the winter when we were trying to eat! It's no fun eating in the dark!

It's starts off with small things and will likely escalate. What you watch on tv, what you have for dinner....friends....family. I'd get rid now!