What have I gone and done now?

[mumof2teenboys]

I know that I'm going to get told off but I need to tell someone.
My DP works away from home, he's away for 6-8 weeks at a time and then back for 2 weeks.
Last night I slept with an ex who, if I'm being honest, I've never stopped having feelings for.
It was just as good as it always was, but I know that I should be feeling v.guilty and I don't.
My DP and I have been having so many problems over the last couple of years, my eldest son being the main one. I resent the job he does and the fact that I am on my own so much of the time.
I know that doesn't excuse my behaviour last night, but what does it say about me and our relationship?
I'm a bad person, aren't I?

Ask yourself this:

Are you going to do it again or is it a one-off?

How would you feel if he is doing the same?

I don't think you're a bad person.

I don't know if I will do it again, I'd like to, but I know I shouldn't.
I don't think that it bother me if he did it. I'm not a jealous person and truly believe that monogamy is an ideal but not always achievable. To me, there is many worse things than extra-curricular sex. I'm only the second person my DP has ever slept with, so I wouldn't be shocked if he did sleep with someone else at some point iyswim.
I know that sleeping with someone else isn't going to help my relationship with DP, but I don't think I realised how strong the attraction still was until I saw him.
I have never slept with anyone else since being with DP and I wouldn't have slept with anyone other than this person. I know that doesn't excuse what I did, I just don't want anyone to think that I'm a tart or anything.

How do you think your dp would feel? Does he have the same ideas on monogamy?

I have a friend with a relationship like that. One guy, an ex, who comes back to her home town every now and then; they get together and then she goes back to her normal life. I worry that eventually the shit will hit the fan and she'll lose her lovely dh but he seems fairly open minded anyway.

I couldn't do it I know as I would always want the other guy and be dissatisfied with what I have, but it seems to work for her.

If things are that bad between you and your dp is it worth staying together? On the other hand if you are more friends than partners could you envisage an open relationship?

Do you think you will tell your dh what you did? I know I would end up blurting it out after a bottle of wine

I know that he would be p*ed off at me, and that we would probably split up over it. He believes in monogamy and that relationships are exclusive. But he won't marry me or commit to me (we have been together 8 years). I have never done anything like this before.
We have been having huge problems for the last 2 years or so. However, he feels that because he's stubborn, we should stay together.
I know that he is basically a good man, but things are so hard with his job etc. I'm lonely and struggling with the knowledge that this is our life for the next two years.

If this other person wasn't around, I wouldn't even think of sleeping with anyone else.
The likelihood of me doing it again is small, but this is because i know I shouldn't rather than because I don't want to. I know that it would make DP angry and would hurt his pride, I don't want to risk that. But in an ideal world, I'd like to do it again. If there was anyway to keep it a complete secret and no-one was going to get hurt, I know that it would happen again.
It's the fallout that I want to avoid at all costs.
I told you I was a bad person, didn't I?

...quite the contrary IMO.

It's very easy to be drawn into things like that, especially when you are in your situation. I just hope that you used a condom and haven't risked anything else IYSWIM.

What's done is done and you can't undo it, so you just have to decide where to go from here.
Can you get some counselling with your dh - would he go? He must know things aren't great and maybe you could discuss why you feel so down on the relationship. If not, why don't you go? It can help get your thoughts into perspective when you are at crossroads where you're confused about what you want I think.

...sorry dp - just realised what you said .

Why won't he marry you, do you want him to ask you? That could be a huge part of your problems. He expects mutual exclusivity but is unwilling to promise it.

I would never tell DP, it will always be a secret. It has to be for all the reasons I've given.

The other man will never tell either. He would (I think)do whatever I asked him as far as that is concerned.

I'd like to have both of them, I know that is wrong and childish. They are very different men, DP wants me to be something that I'm not, he sees me in a certain way and wants me to conform to that. The other man has known me my whole life (since i was 16!) He accepts me for who I am, warts and all!
They both fulfil a need in me, I would love to be able to have both in my life but DP won't let me see him even in a platonic way. If we were able to see each other platonically, the need would be satisfied in part. I would always have that spark with him, but it probably would be enough just to be friends.
I miss him as a friend as well as a lover. That is probably why I ended up in bed with him. He is just there whenever I need a friend, he doesn't demand anything from me. It felt very natural last night.
What am I going to do?

Dp won't marry me because he doesn't see that marriage is needed. He feels that being together is enough. To him, marriage doesn't work, it leads to divorce.

I have asked him to go to relate before, he won't. He won't discuss our relationship wih me if he can avoid it. There is no way he would discuss it with a stranger.
He is an intensely private person, he would be horrified if he knew I was on here talking about us.

Relate would help me to figure out that my relationship is flawed, I know that, its having the strength to do something about it isn't it?

I used to want him to ask me to marry him, then he took this job and I realised that marriage is not ever going to happen and I've come to terms with that.

I don't know what to do. I'd like to be a good girlfriend and not to want 2 men! I'd like a partner who liked me being me. I'd like to have the other man in my life as well. I'm very confused as you can probably tell!

so , your DP does not beleive in marriage, it leads to divorce. but this relationship is heading for a breakdown. it is not the marriage per se that makes the difference, it is the actual relationship you have. marriage won;t fix a broken one, nor ruin a good one.

sounds like you don;t want your DP , certainly not on the terms he is offering.

nor have you let go of your ex.

you need to think about exactly what you do want, as having both is unlikely to be an option

the fact you feel no guilt speaks volumes

I don't think you're a bad person either, however I do think that infidelity is a symptom of bigger problems in a relationship.

You need to decide which one of these men, if either, you want, and make sure you stay away from your ex until you have worked it out.

Once can be a fuck up and although horrid for your DP if he finds out almost understandable, anymore than that is not right, it becomes an affair and not a mistake.

I know that marriage will not 'fix' a relationship. I always thought that we would get married 'one day'. I have spent 8 years believing that.

Our relationship is not heading for a breakdown as such, for the most part, our relationship works. We have invested time, effort, emotion and money into this. We have always worked well at parenting my sons. I truly believed that this was 'forever'

I don't not want my dp, he is a good man, he is difficult at times and v.stubborn.

The majority of the current problems stem from his job. It is incredibly difficult to conduct a relationship if one person is half the world away for chunks of time.

I have known my ex as a friend since I was 16, he has always been in my life, we blurred the lines by having a sexual relationship, this was a while ago and we have returned to being friends since. I don't want to let go of him, he is very important to me. My dp knows this, but will not tolerate our friendship. We speak and text on a fairly regular basis, but we don't meet up very often out of respect for my dp's feelings.

Last night shouldn't of happened, but it did, feeling guilty is not going to make go away. I am ashamed of myself, I should of had more self-control.

I know that I can't have both. In an ideal world I could, but that isn't going to happen.

I don't know what I want. If I did I wouldn't be on here asking for advice. I want things to be simple but I have made that impossible now. I don't want my dp to be on the other side of the world for the next 2 years but that isn't going to happen.

I've messed up in a big way, I know that I'm wrong. I know that I don't deserve sympathy but I've made a mistake. I never intended to do this, I didn't wake up yesterday and think "i know, I'll sleep with my ex today'

I know that this is all my own doing but it wasn't intentional.

you want to respect your DPs feelings, but you are continuing conducting a friendship he does not like,and i can see why he does not like it

he must be aware of the sexual tension between you and your ex, or why would he not want you to be friends?

also, a lot of people do have to conduct relationships where one person works away a lot, say, in the army.... it is not a reason for an affair.

but you must feel lonely, neglected, that something is lacking, or you would not be willing to risk everything with your DP?

VS
For the most part I do stay away from my ex, we text and speak on the phone quite regularly but we don't see each other more than 3-4 times a year.

I don't know which one I want more. They are very different and meet different needs in me. My dp is demanding and pushes me all the time to be better. My ex accepts me as I am, if I said to my dp that I was going to get another tattoo (for example) he would go mad. The ex would pay for it if I said that to him.

I don't want to be involved in an affair, that is wrong, casual sex is one thing, emotional infidelity is unforgivable imo.

It's bad enough that I stil have a connection with the ex, an affair would hurt everyone. Although the ex would go along with that. He would be happy to have whatever I was willing to give him.

We have been friends for so long, I cannot imagine not having him on the end of a phone.

I'm so confused.

surely he is an ex for a reason? is he in a relationship right now?

it sounds like you prefer his traits and qualities to your DPs.

can you not make a go of it with him, if you are still drawn together?

sorry, it's lulumama, with my muppet name

lulumama

He does not like the friendship because he doesn't like my ex as a person. He cannot see why I would want to be friends wih someone 'like him'

The sexual tension is only obvious when we meet. We don't do that very often.

I'm not using his job as an excuse to have an affair, I'm not having an affair. His job is very new, it wasn't something we ever planned. We are both struggling with it.

I do feel lonely and miserable but I never intended to sleep with my ex, that happened and I am ashamed of myself

I can't change it, I'm not willing to risk everything, I don't think. I didn't mean for this to happen

He's the ex because I wasn't ready for the intensity of our relationship. I had not long come out of a serious damaging relationship.

If we had got together when we first met, we would probably still be together. It was never the right time, one or the other of us was always in a relationship.

He is much 'easier' to be around. He doesn't demand perfection.

He is not in a relationship at the moment. He says that I am the love of his life.

I'm scared of hurting people, thats why I haven't left my dp and gone to him.

Mumof2TB - I don't think that you are a bad person.

Reading this thread thought it seems that you are in such a muddle. I agree that sleeping with your ex is a massive sympton that things are not going well with your DP.

His lack of commitment is an issue for you and I don't think that you really have come to terms with the fact that he will not proclaim his commitment to you to the rest of the world by slipping a ring on your finger.

But life with your ex - would it really be all roses? Remember all men have their faults...as I say to anyone considering an affair - the rubbish still has to be put out. However greener the grass is, there are still the day to day gripes to be dealt with.

I am for you.

I think your ex sounds as though he is able to be so accepting because he's not committed with you. perhaps if he knew you were free he would run a mile...

your dp sounds a wee bit controlling.

hmm. difficult.

Sorry am trying to think, also one finger typing with baby on lap

will write more in a sec

You say you are scared of hurting people if you leave dp and go to ex - but a clean break and fresh start may minimise the hurt in the long run. It sounds as though your dp is not offering you what you need and that your ex could. Surely this is hurting your ex already anyway as he has such strong feelings for you.

The marriage thing is something I have come to accept. It isn't what I wanted but thats life isn't it?

Life with the ex wouldn't be all roses there are thorns everywhere! He loves me for me, he has just sent me a text telling me how much he loves me and wants me to know he always has.

If I was free, we would be together. I'm not naive(sp) enough to think it would be easy, but we would be together.

My dp is a bit controlling, he always has been. He can't help it, its just his nature.

Poor thing, you I mean...
Have now put baby down!

You sound quite angry with your Dp, - rather, you were angry, but since you slept with the ex, you just feel sorry and sad. Perhaps this feeling is easier to manage than the anger.
Perhaps that's why you did it.

I think you need to figure out, without either of them pressuring you, which of them, if either, you love.

I'm not sure how you could do that but it is step one, so try to do that first.

I would feel very angry if my partner refused to make a solid commitment to me, and went off for months at a time so I was left hanging. Unless it was a very strong relationship in other ways.
It does sound like he has all the power. So maybe you need to sit down and speak with him about how you feel. Don't mention the infidelity, it will just hurt him and you have realised it wasn't right and are trying to manage any damage by coming and talking to us!
So don't feel like a bad person, you ain't

Sit down, and say, 'I'm sorry to have to talk about this as I know you hate to, but I a really in trouble here and I am starting to lose the plot a bit. I feel as though you are saying 'no marriage' and 'no talking' and then you bugger off for ages working, and I feel quite alone, and rather upset. I am lonely. I need a bit more than this. Or at least to know that you are as uncomfortable with it as I am, because at the moment I feel I hardly know you or what you are thinking. It doesn't feel like a relationship, and I am missing you'.

That sort of talk.

?

My ex (un)fortunately will wait for me forever if thats what it takes (he says)

He knows my dp and the situation we are in. He accepts that I am unwilling to hurt my dp, I know that I am hurting him as well, I hate hurting him, it not in my nature to hurt anyone.

I'm causing him pain and that is cruel,i know the best thing would be to walk away and let him get on with his life. I can't bear the idea of never seeing him again though.

The more I think about it, the bigger a mess it seems.