What have I gone and done now?

[mumof2teenboys]

I know that I'm going to get told off but I need to tell someone.
My DP works away from home, he's away for 6-8 weeks at a time and then back for 2 weeks.
Last night I slept with an ex who, if I'm being honest, I've never stopped having feelings for.
It was just as good as it always was, but I know that I should be feeling v.guilty and I don't.
My DP and I have been having so many problems over the last couple of years, my eldest son being the main one. I resent the job he does and the fact that I am on my own so much of the time.
I know that doesn't excuse my behaviour last night, but what does it say about me and our relationship?
I'm a bad person, aren't I?

Read this thread back to yourself because from where I'm sitting it's relatively clear that you are no longer in love with your dp and have more chance of it with your ex, who clearly feels a lot for you. Being accepted for who and what we are is a huge part of happiness.

I know there is no quick fix and do understand your predicament; I stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for years because I didn't want to hurt someone.

If you can't talk to him about the most important thing of all, i.e. your relationship with each other, then what's the point of it?

I sent my dp an e-mail last week saying something along the lines of I'm struggling with your job, being at home on my own, worrying about the boys. I also told him that I felt that he had got the easier side of things because all the change is happening to him. I just sit at home and worry about him.

I told him that I felt as though we are drifting apart and that our priorities are slightly different now.

He just got v.cross with me, he said that he has got enough stress to deal with without me piling more onto him.

So, now I feel like a burden to him. I need to learn to deal with things on my own. He is working v.hard to make his job work for him.

He will be back just before christmas. He has said that he doesn't want any stress when he comes back. He just wants to enjoy being home.

I don't know how to help him understand how I feel. If I try and tell him, he just gets cross and frustrated with me.

In which case, it isn't a fair and equal relationship. He needs to hear it that if he doesn't start accepting that there is more than one person with feelings in this relationship, there will just be the one very soon, as you will not stay where you are not allowed to express anything to him.

He just isn't interested in you. He only wants a quiet life, your feelings and opinions and thoughts are irrelevant to him.

Sorry. he is being thoughtless, selfish and cruel and you are right not to put up with it. Sleeping with ex is not the way, but you know that.

Ultimatum time for your DP I think.

Well he is a fool then because he will lose you.

Sorry to be blunt but this is so reminiscent of my xdh; he would not talk, ever and it killed whatever we had.

When he gets back, be lovely, welcoming etc, give it a week or so, then sit him down with a bottle of wine (or two) and spell it out for him. I gave my dh an ultimatum in the end; either he learnt to talk to me or we finished, I gave him 2 years to try it and he still didn't, so I left

You are unhappy, it needs to be dealt with and talking about your relationship (calmly) should not equal stress.

I think it makes it even harder when your dp is not the father of your boys too; if you are anything like me I always feel as though I owe my dp something for 'taking' me on and guilty that he is coping with the stress of having teenage daughters when he hasn't experienced the lovely 'baby years'......

xposts Columbia

x posts Wisty!!

Thats exactly how I feel. He has been so good to me and the boys over the years, but, it has reached a point now where its not enough.
I have had to throw my eldest out recently because of his behaviour.

I feel guilty about the fact that my dp has put up with so much from him.

My dp is not totally uncaring, he struggles with emotions and feelings. He is very uncomfortable with touchy-feely stuff.

If I gave him an ultimatum, he would tell me to go, he doesn't 'do' things like that. He sees it as bribery. He won't be made to do anything that he doesn't want to do.

It doesn't help that its his house either, I would have to find somewhere to live etc, my son has got his gcse's in may/june. I don't really want to uproot him at the moment if I can avoid it.

He says that he loves me and wants to be with me, he just doesn't seem to know how to show that love, iyswim.

I asked him once how would he feel if I wasn't around anymore (an accident etc) he said that the question got his back up because it felt like a threat. It wasn't meant to be, I just wanted him to think about what I really mean to him.

I'm very sad really aren't I?

Sorry.. got to say.. I have an issue with the title. I have read the thread, and I appreciate the diffulties you are having... but as for "what have I gone and done now..".. it sounds as if you did something completely by accident thereby causing an unprecedented problem.

You can't have sex with your ex accidentally. Nor can you not rule out it happening again accidentally. So frankly, you know "what you've done now".

You need to focus on making a decision about the relationship you are in; not having sex with other people to take your mind off it.

When I wrote the title, I meant what have I done in a rhetorical way. I know exactly what I have done. The damage is accidental, I never meant to betray my dp.

I am not having sex with other people to take my mind off my relationship. I have had sex with 1 person, who I have feelings for. It wasn't a one-night stand with a stranger in a pub toilet.

My mind has never been more focussed on my relationship, I know that what I have done is wrong, I know that I shouldn't of done it, but its done. I can't change that.

I was asking for advice, which I need, I have no-one I can talk to about this in rl. Its a mess and its all my doing, I know that.

The sex wasn't accidental, putting both of us in that position was accidental, I did not see him with the intention of sleeping with him. It happened, it was wrong of both of us, we should not of let it happen. One of us should of been strong enough to say no. We didn't, the attraction is still as strong as it always has been. I was lonely and he loves me. It was a betrayal and that is something I have to deal with. I betrayed my dp.

I should not of talked to my ex, I should of stayed away, I didn't, that is unforgivable. I knew how the ex feels about me, I was wrong.

I know how bad I have been. I know that I don't deserve sympathy, I never asked for it. I asked for advice.

Hi

I understand what you are saying (about your relationship) and how you are feeling and I sympathise.

However (please don't jump on me for this) I do think you are putting too much responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment on your DP. I understand how lonely you must feel, especially with him working away for such long periods of time BUT, he is away working, he is working to provide for you and your sons. He isn't complaining about it, he is just doing it and, all he is asking for in return is no grief or heavy conversation when he gets home. (typical of most men)

I wonder if maybe you have got too much time on your hands, too much time to think (over think maybe) Do you work yourself? Do you have hobbies and interests that you persue while DP is away? Maybe if you had more going on in your life, if it was more fullfilled in other areas you would feel differently about your dp.

Just a thought

The thing is.. despite all you have just said, you are saying you don't know whether it will happen again but that you would like it to! Even though, in your OP you are calling youself a "bad person".

I don't think you are a bad person (not that my opinion matters except in that you asked MN in general for their advice/opinions) but I think you need to sort the situation out. I wasn't saying you were sleeping around in toilets.. or sleeping around at all.. I meant "other people" as in people other than your other half. I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to decide whether you want him to BE your other half any more or whether you don't. Then, if you want to sleep with your ex, that's fine and dandy and nobodys business but yours and his (Assuming your ex is single?)

You can't be "never more focussed on your relationship" the morning after sleeping with someone else who you would like to sleep with again.. those are contradictions in terms.

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

In shineys defence, she does have a valid point. I think you are being defensive because you feel guilty for doing what you have done but, I think you did what you did in a weak moment because you are feeling very low, unloved, unattractive and unsupported and the ex made you feel special.

As you already know, thats not the answer. YOU need to make you feel special. I can bet that if your DP was coming home to a happy, smiley partner who was pleased to see him, he in return would be far happier and more giving.

My xdh was the same, a great guy, superb Dad but completely unable to show love or talk about things. The Ostrich variety - I grew up in a house where parents didn't talk or show affection and didn't want that for my children.

WRT your ds - it's not a great time to leave but only you know what is achievable and feasible. I really would go with the 'ultimate' chat anyway regardless of the fact he doesn't like things like that. You don't like the fact he doesn't talk and is away for weeks at a time but you don't always get what you want in life do you?

You need to decide who you want though, it's not fair on your current partner or your friend - he has strong feelings for you and to let him think there may be a future isn't fair.

Sorry to hear about your eldest ds - that must be tough .

I thikn the choice you are giving yourself here is maybe the wrong one.(I think I asked the wrong one myself!)

The confusion shouldn't be about whether you want to be with your ex or not. It should be whether you want to save your relationship with your husband or not.

Your ex shouldn't come into it.

I know it will be hard, but try to forget about him for now, and concentrate on what is going on with you and DP. I'd be inclined to tell him exactly what has happened if he won't talk, and then maybe he'll see how serious it is, he may know how serious it is and be trying to run away from it, he could be hurting already

What I mean is do not end the relationship with your DP, to be with your ex, if you do it will never work. IME a relationship, no matter who with will only work if both people are totally free when it begins, otherwise guilt will get on top of you, it all too easily becomes 'I ended that for you' etc.

Maybe tell DP you want a trial seperation? and stay away from your ex whilst you ahve it. Going from one relationship to another is no way to find out exactly what you're feeling, nor can you really be 100% sure that your ex would be happy for you to be his if you ended it, he could change his mind as soon as he knows you're single and then you'd be left with no-one.

I don't see anything wrong with your thread title mumof2tbs. I don't think you need censure as you obviously realise and have stated that what you did was wrong - I don't think you are bad, just human, in a difficult situation and in need of some good advice.

I just think cheating is wrong. It's uneccessary, always involves consious choice, causes untold hurt and makes less an ideal situations a whole lot worse.

Timeforme

I work full-time (shifts) and have friends, family etc after work.
I do not require my dp to make me happy, I would like him to understand how this job has affected us as a couple.
It's very difficult to be the one in control of everything from putting the bins out to paying the bills and then to be expected to relinquish control for 2 weeks when he's back.

I feel like a single parent most of the time and then he comes back and wants sex, cooked meals etc without asking how I am.

He expects me to do everything for him, including remembering to mot the car (i don't drive) but is not willing to enter into basic conversation about the effect his job is having.

I am trying to be supportive of a job I didn't want him to take. I has all these concerns before he took the job, I told him this and he brushed it under the carpet.

I am here doing all I can to keep things together for him, the least he could do is not to slate my job and my efforts when he is here.

He makes me feel as though I am the housekeeper at times. That is not equal is it? I just want him to acknowledge that I work hard too. He freely admits that he couldn't do his job if I wasn't here to look after the house. Would it kill him to accept me for me?

No, it isn't equal and i am sure that i would feel resentful too if i were in your shoes BUT, you are allowing it to happen. Stop doing all the things you are unhappy with. I wouldn't MOT the car if it made me resentful. I wouldn't be picking up after him or having sex on demand when he came home, not if i didn't want to. If he won't talk you can't force him, you will just get more and more stressed and angry. At times like this it's like banging your head aginst a brick wall.

What you are doing now obviously isn't working but it seems only one person is suffering and that is you. He is refusing to take your feelings on board. If he is not going to think of you then, you have to! You can't change him, thats out of your control but, you can change your own behaviour. Talking, nagging, threatening isn't the answer. Show him you mean business by your actions.

Shinyhappypeople

I am happy that people are offering their opinions, that what I asked for.

With regard to wanting to sleep with him again, I said I would like to in an ideal world, but I also said its not an ideal world. I know that sex with him is wrong, I know its unfair on everyone. I'm not having an affair, I had sex. It's cheating I know that, but I have said I am ashamed of myself.

Vs

I am not going to leave my dp for the other man, I wouldn't do that, that would n't help anything. The op was about the mess we are in, the sex last night is a symptom of that ,not the cause of it.I wouldn't of had sex with him if things were good. It made me realise just how bad things have got. that is how it has focussed my mind. WRT a trial seperation, he's never here anyway! He's only home for 2weeks at a time and away for 6-8 weeks. It's a bit like being seperated anyway!

I don't see the ex very often anyway, we text etc a lot but don't see each other. Staying away is relatively easy, I will just have to stop texting etc for a while.

Seeing him clarified in my mind just how bad things are with dp, you know how when you are in the middle of something its so hard to see things clearly. Last night made it so clear how wrong things have become. That has made me sad, we used to have so much potential.

You still do have lots of potential if you want it. sadly, you have jut lost your way, become bogged down with everything but, it can be revived if you want it to be

I'm glad you realise that it is the relationship with DP that is the issue, it can become so easy to get engrossed in the person that has made you feel special again.
How do you think DP would react if you told him what happened?

timeforme

I understand what you are saying but, if I don't do the things he asks me to do, he gets v.grumpy and it makes for an unhappy home. He thinks that because I'm here all the time, i should be happy to do things for him. There is a certain amount of logic in his argument. I get more time than him.

If I try and talk to him about feeling resentful, he won't listen. What do I tell him? I'm not doing xyz for you because you make me cross? He will not listen to me, it would cause a fight and then the house is even more unhappy.

Life is too short to be fighting. He is only home for 2 weeks. I am not going to spend 2 weeks fighting over the dustbin!

I'm not sure how to make him realise what he is doing, I think that I deserve to be happy. I would love to enjoy having him home.

I always knew that it was my relationship with dp that was the issue. Last night just clarified that for me.
Other man treats me the way I would like dp to treat me. Its a case of right treatment by the wrong bloke.
The spark will always be there with other man, thats something I must deal with.

Dp would be livid if he found out, it would be the end of us as a couple.

He would not see it as anything other than a betrayal, he wouldn't want to listen to why it happened it would be enough to know it had happened. I can understand that, hence the op.

So do you feel it's better for you to be unhappy rather than him be grumpy? I agree, life IS too short to argue over the dustbin. I learnt a long time ago that certain 'talks' don't go down too well and only escalate things. In my relationship, actions speak louder than words!! I used to do a lot of things I resented doing, just for a quiet life but, that just made things worse in the long run, i would go for so long then i would explode!! Now, if i don't want to do something, i don't do it! If he doesn't like it then he either does it himself or he asks me in the same respectful way he would ask anyone else.

I can totally understand where you are coming from but, things are not going to change unless you make changes.

Good luck with it anyway

I don't feel that its better for me to be unhappy, its just easier than having a horrible atmosphere in the house for the sake of doing it first. He's only back for 2 weeks and that not really long enough to merit fights. that doesn't help our relationship at all.

When he's home, its nice to try and have some fun and laughter in the house. Our poor home has been a very sad place over the last couple of years (mainly down to my eldest son). We are all trying very hard to make it a happier place. If that means me doing all of it, then so be it.

We need to work as a couple to make this right, maybe it will never be right but, at least we will of tried.

The other man is not going to suddenly never of happened and like I've already said, I'm not going to pretend that I don't fancy the pants off him. But that is something I have to deal with, its my problem, not dp's.