I slept with my neighbour .. now it’s weird

[Blubellsarehere]

Embarrassed writing this but I know mumsnet is a place I can get honesty from
I am 50 ( and feel very old )

For background have amazing adopted dd 23 who is a little superstar and Ds we tragically lost 2 years ago at 12 . Was single parent . Obviously it has been a tough 2 years , lockdown didn’t help just as it didn’t help many people whatever they were dealing with .

I am financially independent , have a great job I love and find rewarding , amazing freinds and family . The heartache and bereavement over losing ds has been terrible and I am honest and shall say I went to a very dark place . However I am now at a point , thanks to some amazing support and counselling, I feel life is a gift and want to make the most of every day

Haven’t had any kind of date or relationship for years , my kids and career were my focus

During lockdown I got to know my neighbours
Was working from home , self employed
Am now working half in the workplace and half from home on zoom

A neighbour
Single guy
Younger than me by 8 years . Very devoted separated co parent to a lovely little boy .
Started leaving flowers and bottles of nice wine outside my door

Learnt from my next door neighbour who it was and ended up going home at the end of a post restriction easing neighbourhood gathering with said chap

Have been on 4 dates with him since
Really enjoyed his company . Sweetly old fashioned and chivalrous
Great sex

Thing is this
I have no idea how it works anymore as have been alone so long

He doesn’t text me , I text him It seems .
Doesn’t reply very quickly when I text him
It all feels very casual
I want to have an honest conversation with him sort of “ what do you want .. casual or a future “
More sort of so I know

I thought I was being neurotic but spent day with dd today and asked her view .. she said “ no if you are sleeping with him you have a right to ask questions”

It’s just weird suddenly
His garden looks out over mine
I know when he is in or out as it is hot where we live so garden doors open . Communal gardens and swimming pool
I feel like a Stalker
Stupid football is on ( sorry football fans) and i can hear him and next door neighbour shouting at tv

Last night I made a fool of myself in my view and text him to ask why he hadn’t replied to my text ?
I had drunk a couple of glasses

Any advice please mumsnet
??

Sounds like you are more into him than he is you unfortunately

@Stigofthedump40

Sounds like you are more into him than he is you unfortunately

I’m afraid so.

I think you want something serious and he wants a casual hook up.

If you don’t want that, then it’s best to not proceed further op.

Thankyou
I think you are right

Did he reply to you?

Yes he replied but sort of “ sorry was watching football “

Try to think of it as you had a good time and got back on the horse, so to speak. Don't text him again, (and if you're having a drink, put your phone away).

Maybe try some online dating, see what's out there.

Yeah he’s not looking for a anything serious. You are. That never works op. You’re going to get hurt bad. If you can’t accept it as a booty call fun time, and stop chasing, then best to end it,

On a seperate note I’m so so sorry about your son, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been and I wish you all the happiness in the world 💐

He said he loves my company but understands what I have gone through over my son so happy to just be freinds if I prefer

Thing is we live in a very small town
All ex pats here know each other
Ran into his brother and our shared neighbour going out for dinner with dd this evening

Bluntness
Thankyou
It was awful
Now I feel he safe in heaven and my adopted dds mum .. who was my best childhood Freind is looking after him as I hope I do her daughter

Category12

Thankyou for your kind honesty
I have looked at online dating
It doesn’t inspire me to be honest
Sorry but they all look like my grandad

He could just be awful at replying to texts, I personally am shocking, surprised I have any friends left.

You re completely entitled to ask him what he's looking for in a relationship, i'd ask that before giving up on him.

He said he loves my company but understands what I have gone through over my son so happy to just be freinds if I prefer

That sounds very inappropriate of him, unless you have said that your bereavement is making you wary of commitment and relationships?

This is why “don’t shit (or shag) on your own doorstep” is a thing

@AnyFucker

This is why “don’t shit (or shag) on your own doorstep” is a thing

It's no worse than any other way of meeting someone

@Blubellsarehere

Bluntness Thankyou It was awful Now I feel he safe in heaven and my adopted dds mum .. who was my best childhood Freind is looking after him as I hope I do her daughter

I'm also so sorry for your loss. What an amazing thing you did in adopting your friends DD, and imagine you are right about DS.

And DD sounds like a smart girl!

Nice while it lasted, but you're not on the same page.

I think you want something serious and he wants a casual hook up.

Yep, I'm afraid so. But what someone else said about it providing you with a springboard to explore further relationships. Though I do get what you mean about OLD profiles looking like grandads when you're older! I'm sure if I meet these guys they'd be lovely. But just looking at their photos, I just go 'ugh, old'! Presumably if I had a profile they'd had the same reaction

Thankyou
Helpful honest replies
I love mumsnet people
Xx

So very sad to hear about your son,I'm sure he was a wonderful boy.
I think you were great to adopt dd.its great you have each other. Look don't worry about being with the neighbour you had a horrific time and only starting to get back on your feet, so just go with the flow for you

@longcoffeebreak it is a hit different when it's your neighbour though and it makes them possible to avoid when you want to.

I dated a neighbour for a while and I could constantly see when he was coming in, going out, whether he was home from work etc etc. Made me feel like a complete stalker even though I couldn't help it.
Even walking the dog or down the street with my dd I used to think, "oh I can't go out again as if I bump into him AGAIN I'll look like a psycho stalker"

@Blubellsarehere so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. Your son will be watching over and your adopted daughter sounds amazing.

Other than the lack of texting, what gives you the impression you're more interested than him? I wouldn't place too much emphasis on the texting. That's not always an accurate measure of intent/interests. Some guys just suck at texting or don't see why it's so important.

@Blubellsarehere and then you get guys who are players, string women along, lead them on etc but are brilliant texters

I don't think the amount of or speed of texting alone is an accurate indicator of his intentions

Perhaps I'm a romantic but my read of it is - he fancied you, he pursued you with the gifts on the doorstep. I wouldn't conclude that he's not that into you. I think he's playing it casual so he doesn't get hurt.

Plus the football's on.

(And your daughter is correct, if you've been having sex you shouldn't find talking difficult, easier said than done 😁)

Sorry your little boy died, I cannot imagine the pain.

Thankyou all
Especially sincere wishes about our darling boy

I have come up with its best i do nothing
Send no text
He knows where I am after all

Ps bloody football
Never got it

Sorry about your DS, I am glad your DD and you are close and there for each other.

When I was on OLD I had a book "he's just not that into you", or something like that. It was loads of women asking why a man was a bit standoffish, what they were doing wrong. Everytime it was the same... he enjoyed the chase or the easy sex, but was not that into a woman to want more. It's not you, it's him.

When a man wants more there's no second guessing as they say they want more.

I dot know if I'm missing something in the posts.

Why has everyone assumed he's not that into her or that he's not keen? Just because he's not text her back when he was watching the football?
Maybe he's just a rubbish texted but a great guy. I think how a guy treats you more in person says a million times more than what how often he texts.

OP, I'd agree you should not text again and see if he makes a move. Personally if someone text me to ask why I hadn't replied to a previous text a bit off putting but hopefully he overlooks this and makes his next move soon