I slept with my neighbour .. now it’s weird

[Blubellsarehere]

Embarrassed writing this but I know mumsnet is a place I can get honesty from
I am 50 ( and feel very old )

For background have amazing adopted dd 23 who is a little superstar and Ds we tragically lost 2 years ago at 12 . Was single parent . Obviously it has been a tough 2 years , lockdown didn’t help just as it didn’t help many people whatever they were dealing with .

I am financially independent , have a great job I love and find rewarding , amazing freinds and family . The heartache and bereavement over losing ds has been terrible and I am honest and shall say I went to a very dark place . However I am now at a point , thanks to some amazing support and counselling, I feel life is a gift and want to make the most of every day

Haven’t had any kind of date or relationship for years , my kids and career were my focus

During lockdown I got to know my neighbours
Was working from home , self employed
Am now working half in the workplace and half from home on zoom

A neighbour
Single guy
Younger than me by 8 years . Very devoted separated co parent to a lovely little boy .
Started leaving flowers and bottles of nice wine outside my door

Learnt from my next door neighbour who it was and ended up going home at the end of a post restriction easing neighbourhood gathering with said chap

Have been on 4 dates with him since
Really enjoyed his company . Sweetly old fashioned and chivalrous
Great sex

Thing is this
I have no idea how it works anymore as have been alone so long

He doesn’t text me , I text him It seems .
Doesn’t reply very quickly when I text him
It all feels very casual
I want to have an honest conversation with him sort of “ what do you want .. casual or a future “
More sort of so I know

I thought I was being neurotic but spent day with dd today and asked her view .. she said “ no if you are sleeping with him you have a right to ask questions”

It’s just weird suddenly
His garden looks out over mine
I know when he is in or out as it is hot where we live so garden doors open . Communal gardens and swimming pool
I feel like a Stalker
Stupid football is on ( sorry football fans) and i can hear him and next door neighbour shouting at tv

Last night I made a fool of myself in my view and text him to ask why he hadn’t replied to my text ?
I had drunk a couple of glasses

Any advice please mumsnet
??

Also, if you want some lighthearted ideas and tips on dating, I'd watch Matthew Hussey and Amy Young on YouTube. They can be silly, but they do highlight situations that happen a lot.

I am so sorry to read about your son. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through the last couple of years. I think that you will need a lot of kindness moving forward and some support. In short, you deserve the best and he doesn’t sound like he’s looking for anything serious.

On a lighter note, communal gardens sound shit awkward haha!

I am also so sorry to hear about your son.

Just as a slightly different perspective, I had a “thing” with my neighbour which had a bit of an on/off start, and ended up as a two year relationship. Ultimately he wasn’t the right person for me, and it ended when he wanted us to move in together, but no regrets at all. He is married now and I am very happily living with my DP. neither of us live in that same street now but I have very happy memories of that time!

This is why “don’t shit (or shag) on your own doorstep” is a thing

It's no worse than any other way of meeting someone

I have to agree with this too, sorry. Only saying this as I did the same and it's now awkward AF 😅. Fwiw he was the one holding back at first and I'd have wanted more however he was clear it was just to be casual. I decided just to go with it anyway and have a bit of fun as sex on tap on your doorstep (not literally) can be handy. I got used to the casual arrangement but his feelings changed over time which led to a couple of embarrassing moments (him hammering on my door as I'd fallen asleep, once even came in as he was 'worried about me' as I hadn't replied straight away. The damage has been done now (re potentially awkwardness) so you could always just go with the flow for a bit with no expectations and not too much effort and see where it ends up

@mrsstyles

I dot know if I'm missing something in the posts.

Why has everyone assumed he's not that into her or that he's not keen? Just because he's not text her back when he was watching the football?
Maybe he's just a rubbish texted but a great guy. I think how a guy treats you more in person says a million times more than what how often he texts.

OP, I'd agree you should not text again and see if he makes a move. Personally if someone text me to ask why I hadn't replied to a previous text a bit off putting but hopefully he overlooks this and makes his next move soon

He’s politely tried to extricate himself from this, but tried to make her do it. And he didn’t respond for much longer than a match and blokes can text during the football, when a man doesn’t text you back it’s because he doesn’t wish to.

so sorry about your ds

if he is a neighbour with a child it can be complicated.
take it slow op.,
and football argh, seems to be all consuming

So sorry about your son.

I’m going to flip this for you… You’ve had fun, enjoyed the sex and it’s showed you that you can have some fun in your life and are sexy! That’s good. Nothing to feel awkward or bad about whatsoever. It’s okay for people to want to have sex and enjoy the company of someone else. It’s sad it hasn’t gone further or moved into a relationship but that’s okay, sometimes these things don’t. You can and will meet someone else - someone who doesn’t look 90 or like your Grandad - you just need to meet more people and keep wading through online dating (I met dh online but blocked and kissed a lot of frogs first). Don’t give up.

Give the neighbour a wide berth. Go back to being cold and aloof.

I think you should feel positive about this. It’s a step forwards even if it doesn’t feel like it.

The easiest way to avoid feeling like this is to save the sex for AFTER you know they’re keen. What’s happened is you’ve bonded through oxytocin and he hasn’t. Now you’re watching his garden, etc, and he’s watching football. You’re bonded and he’s not.

He is not into you enough. What am arsehole to pursue you then go cold.

Leave him OP. You deserve better.

So very sorry about your son
The idea that DD mum is looking after him... as you look after her DC has made me cry like the 54 year old woman I am 💐

I'd hold your horses ... the football is on
Not everyone lives with their phone in their hand
Not everyone lives for the ping of a text message
He could be respecting your space and privacy

I'd wait for a good time to invite him for a coffee , thank him for being there for you , tell him it was unexpected but very nice ... could we talk about it ... is there any future or was it just one of those things that happened and now we'll just smile knowingly each time we see each other ... let's talk and it feel awkward
Usually the most difficult thing about a difficult conversation is getting it started
I fully agree OLD is totally shite
Good luck lovely , let us know how things go 🤗

See if he makes contact after the football.

Though after your last exchange if he is actually chivalrous he might be thinking he has left the ball in your court.

Are you happy to continue seeing him on a friendly / informal / sexy basis? If so, nothing wrong with that.

4 dates is no time for anyone to make up their mind (unless it is ‘this is not for me’).

He definitely showed interest in you! Putting flowers etc on your doorstep and then dating and sex. But he may realise that he's not that into you or that may have been his plan all along.

However, you had fun but this situation is making you anxious so finish it and it will leave you open to someone who is into you.

I like 66babes advice.
He might be a player, or he might like you (he did start this) and not all men are constantly on their phone.
Don't chase him with demands for clarity. He might not know either.
A conversation where you clear the air would be good. It's possible to have sex and for it not to be awkward (eventually!)
One of my significant relationships has been with a man I met as a neighbour. But it wasn't great when we split! I found it harder for both of us to move on with living so close.

I am also so sorry for your loss OP. I think that you are doing amazingly well and your DD sounds lovely 💐

If the four dates that you have been on with your neighbour have clashed almost totally with the football, it could literally just be that he is so caught up in the football thst he is not thinking about texts or dating, until the football is over. I think that I would just reply to him with a thumbs up and smiley face, and then leave him to make the next contact. I wouldn't start worrying about the lack of contact until at least a couple of days after the football finally finishes.

Thankyou so much everybody . Does anybody know when the football ends by the way.

Yes it’s a bit awkward but I am not planning to be home much next few days.

Shan’t contact him .

Something else to consider…. if he’s being evasive purely because of the football and will then suddenly revert to being keen - is that what you want anyway? Personally I wouldn’t be remotely interested in someone who is so interested in sport they can just switch me on and off again.

Some people can get very immersed in football...
In my 20's I dated a chap for a long time who was very into football. To the extent that if his team were playing on that day I would check the score to see what mood he would be in later! Always good when they won

All you have to do is be COOL as a cucumber. Whatever the outcome.
Harder said than done though.

On a positive, I agree with others! You know you can do it, you can go out and have a bit of fun. It isn’t all negative.

Also the ball is in your court. Do you actually want a relationship with someone who makes you feel anxious? If not then make your own mind up. Don’t wait for him to decide.

@Elisandra

He said he loves my company but understands what I have gone through over my son so happy to just be freinds if I prefer

That sounds very inappropriate of him, unless you have said that your bereavement is making you wary of commitment and relationships?

I’m surprised no one else has picked this up as it jumped out at me. Some men pursue women who they see as vulnerable, for example due to bereavement. They are obviously not nice men.

Just cool things down a bit. Don't text. Let him go back to pursuing you.

I'm feeling a little annoyed on your behalf OP. He knew you were vulnerable after your loss and yet he left you bottles of wine and made it obvious he fancied you.Now he's got into your affections he's being a bit casual which given the circumstances You've lived over the last two years is a bit crap ans insensitive. This tells you a lot about his character but doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. If his casual approach is making you feel not great then walk away.

I just don’t understand this mind set some women have that if a man persues you and you sleep with him then he is in some way duty bound to stay with you for ever more. That’s not how life works. That’s not how relationships work.

Women can chase guys, flirt, see them a few times, habe sex, then decide they don’t want to pursue it further, snd everyone says that’s fine, not she’s an arsehole and should not have come near unless he wanted to marry you.

Elisandra
I don’t think he is this type of man to be honest
I think he is a nice guy

Bluntness
Perhaps
But to be honest I think if you have slept together a few times and are likely to bump
Into each other then probably an air clearing chat if you don’t wish to continue is best / polite . I would if it were the other way round

Really appreciate all replies on here

We had arranged to go out this Saturday evening
I shall wait and see if i hear from him about it
Meanwhile am focusing on the fact he smokes.. which I don’t like .. to put myself off him .

Im still not following this. He pursued you, showed an interest, you slept together a few times, had a date arranged for Saturday....

You text him and he didn't reply cos he was watching the football and now everyone thinks he was using you?

Not everyone who is dating is so focussed on texting, especially if the next date is arranged.

Although if I was dating someone and they text me while i was watching a film that I was concentrating on, I'd text them back after the film had ended and I'd done whatever I had to do.
If I then got a follow up text asking why I had t replied yet I might be a bit put off.

How long was between texts OP?