I slept with my neighbour .. now it’s weird

[Blubellsarehere]

Embarrassed writing this but I know mumsnet is a place I can get honesty from
I am 50 ( and feel very old )

For background have amazing adopted dd 23 who is a little superstar and Ds we tragically lost 2 years ago at 12 . Was single parent . Obviously it has been a tough 2 years , lockdown didn’t help just as it didn’t help many people whatever they were dealing with .

I am financially independent , have a great job I love and find rewarding , amazing freinds and family . The heartache and bereavement over losing ds has been terrible and I am honest and shall say I went to a very dark place . However I am now at a point , thanks to some amazing support and counselling, I feel life is a gift and want to make the most of every day

Haven’t had any kind of date or relationship for years , my kids and career were my focus

During lockdown I got to know my neighbours
Was working from home , self employed
Am now working half in the workplace and half from home on zoom

A neighbour
Single guy
Younger than me by 8 years . Very devoted separated co parent to a lovely little boy .
Started leaving flowers and bottles of nice wine outside my door

Learnt from my next door neighbour who it was and ended up going home at the end of a post restriction easing neighbourhood gathering with said chap

Have been on 4 dates with him since
Really enjoyed his company . Sweetly old fashioned and chivalrous
Great sex

Thing is this
I have no idea how it works anymore as have been alone so long

He doesn’t text me , I text him It seems .
Doesn’t reply very quickly when I text him
It all feels very casual
I want to have an honest conversation with him sort of “ what do you want .. casual or a future “
More sort of so I know

I thought I was being neurotic but spent day with dd today and asked her view .. she said “ no if you are sleeping with him you have a right to ask questions”

It’s just weird suddenly
His garden looks out over mine
I know when he is in or out as it is hot where we live so garden doors open . Communal gardens and swimming pool
I feel like a Stalker
Stupid football is on ( sorry football fans) and i can hear him and next door neighbour shouting at tv

Last night I made a fool of myself in my view and text him to ask why he hadn’t replied to my text ?
I had drunk a couple of glasses

Any advice please mumsnet
??

Mrsstyles
..
Thankyou for your message

No I don’t think he was using me

I think if I am honest he didn’t know the entire story about how we lost ds . When I told him everything when he came over a few nights ago I think he was uncomfortable and perhaps reflected
Afterwards and thought “ can’t deal with this “

It’s difficult to be transparent without outing as my family was in the press but I have heard so much kindness on this thread.

Basically my son had special needs and was vulnerable . He became involved with county lines and gang culture at a young age . Drugs .
I tried to get him away from it by moving out here but it was too late . Everything escalated quickly.
I swear I fought and fought to get him help and be taken seriously . Lockdown saw him in a very isolated situation . We have our own views of the police, juvenile justice and social services in the uk based on our experience.. I encountered some incredibly individuals within the system but without doubt my child was failed .
My choice is to honour him by trying to do something kind for somebody every day
Dd is same . We are involved with some charities and we get a lot of comfort from this . Other family members have done the same and I feel so grateful to them .

I think what I shall do is wait and see if he gets in touch about our arranged date Saturday evening
If he doesn’t I shall Chuck an Olive branch message saying something like “ sorry things got a bit weird between us , hope we can be mates “

good plan op

So sorry OP, it's heartbreaking reading your story but you sound so lovely. The one kind act every day is a beautiful way to honour your son.

I agree, your plan sounds great. If it doesn't work with the neighbour i hope you meet someone lovely who treats you how you deserve to be treated

Op my heart goes out to you. What a horrible and complex thing to deal with.

See how it goes if he contacts you about Saturday. If he doesn’t. Remain breezy and not bothered at all times

@Bluntness100 literally no idea where you are coming from. In no way shape or form is op saying neighbour owes her anything. Maybe try not to be so mean to someone navigating new things. We all know how amazing and successful you are. But honestly sometimes you’re straight up unkind.

You sound so lovely.
Cool and kind and reasonable.
I hope that he's all 3 of those to you.

Here’s an update
I actually did a brave thing and took control of the situation
I feel better for it

I had a cuppa and a chat with him last night , he had messaged and said he couldn’t do this evening as had his ds now .
What I got from the conversation is he isn’t looking for anything serious but if I am happy to go out for dinner some evenings hang out and have sex he is happy . That he isn’t interested in anybody else but work and ds leave him just a few spare evenings . And whatever I decide he really wants to be mates and it not be weird .
I also know he was broken when ds mother left him.

I said I didn’t think that would be the right situation for me and really think it best we knock it on the head now .
Left it nicely with a hug and played with his ds and read a story ( however then went home to empty house and cried for when ds was a little boy and read him stories and was also a little blonde darling in his pyjamas )

I am a bit wistful as actually seriously fancy the arse off of him and it’s hard he is so near . But I know I have made the right decision as I am very aware of my vulnerability.

You’ve done the right thing and I’m really proud of you for doing it. (This is also the best way to make him realise how much he does like you - although I know that’s not your secret motive.)

I’m so sorry about your lovely DS.

I’m giving you the BIGGEST virtual hug.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through

FWIW I think you sound bloody brilliant. Totally in tune with what you want and need, what you can and can't cope with, very emotionally intelligent and a lovely writer, too.

It sounds like you've done the right thing and I'm glad you were both open and honest and kind to each other

You sound like a strong, amazing, level headed woman. You should be so proud of yourself and the way you have handled this. Calm and dignified.
Huge empathy for your loss.
I think you are a hugely special person. One day a man will feel honoured to have you in his life.

So proud of you 💐💐💐💐

Well done! Very grown up. Hope you find another happy shag soon, one who more closely meets your needs.

I would normally be on the op's side on this sort of thread but give the guy a chance! They've only been out four times! I think it is far too soon to ask "where do you see this relationship going?" after only four dates. You don't even know if you like one another yet. And you don't have to sleep with him if you want to get to know him better first.

My dh is much less "available" ATM because of the football and we've been married over 20 years! I don't understand why you are saying he is being casual when you have an arrangement to go out on Saturday. Good luck op. Enjoy your relationship!

So sorry for your loss of your son OP. You sound lovely and I wish you all the best for the future.

I feel if I'm honest your neighbour has not looked after your feelings very well. He definitely should have taken things a lot slower considering what you have recently and are still dealing with.

I don't think he should have slept with you until you had a solid foundation and knew you would have a relationship.

To just sleep with a bereaved neighbour and then pull back in this way is all kind of wrong imo. It comes across as him taking advantage of you.

I would write this off now OP as it is awkward with him living next door.

Op I somehow missed your update. I am glad you have resolved the situation so that you feel more in control of things and wish you all the best for the future.

Oh Bluebells, you are far from old. At 51 you have many more years of potential fun - and maybe love - ahead of you. I was so sorry to read about your son, that must have been a terrible blow, but thank goodness you have a lovely, young adult daughter.

You and your neighbour have had a fling and, hopefully, have a friendship. It sounds perfectly natural. Not all relationships are meant to last or develop into something more committed but if he is a nice, decent chap, you can look at it as a positive experience.

You will meet other men and maybe, eventually, one with whom you really fit, who wants to settle down with you. In the meantime, enjoy your life.

Another who thinks you sound brilliant. So sorry about your boy - I love your outlook though in doing something positive each day. Sending love to you and your DD.

Ah OP also missed your update. You handled that so well. All the best, you really are lovely.

I think you are smashing, Bluebellsarehere, and you will find happiness eventually. The guy (neighbour) sounds like a decent chap, nobody could blame him for being cautious after the hurt of his break up, he is also a father, but he's been honest and your friendship is intact.

Good luck.

You lot are lovely too
I have had a few “ good” tears over such kind replies today .

💐