Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be annoyed or upset if

61 replies

Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 09:58

Would you be annoyed/upset if your husband of 30 years gave away a family asset that wasn't being used (lets say an everyday ladies bike, - it wasn't a bike, but something of equal value to give you an idea) to another woman without telling you?
The woman being an acquaintance of his, not of yours.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 23/06/2021 10:11

If I bought it or if it came from my side of the family then yes. If he bought it then no.

Although, I suppose if he bought it as a gift for me (presumably if it was a 'ladies' item) and then gave it to someone else then I would be pretty hurt. Maybe he figured you didnt use it. But he could have at least asked.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/06/2021 10:14

I would be annoyed and upset. This sort of thing needs discussing first - even if that discussion takes five seconds because you are both in agreement.

And it doesn't matter whether it is to a female friend of his and he's trying to impress her or to some bloke down the road. Same rules apply Sad.

pinkyredrose · 23/06/2021 10:18

I'd be pissed off. Why on earth didn't he mention it?

Original poster
Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:20

Exactly my thoughts @Chamomileteaplease.

We don't have assets which were bought by him/bought by me. We've always shared everything and been open with finances and purchases (or so I thought).

OP posts:
EmergencyHydrangea · 23/06/2021 10:24

Nope. If we are not using it some one else might as well

Original poster
Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:24

When I asked why he hadn't told me, he said he didn't think to mention it.

That is not a reasonable response because it was an asset of which he would have been aware on a regular basis (not like he gave it to her and never saw it again).

At least he didn't use the 'I didn't think you'd like it' excuse which some men seem to use. But then he couldn't logically have used that one with me because I've never stopped him from doing anything.

I'm really quite enraged, putting it mildly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:25

@EmergencyHydrangea

Nope. If we are not using it some one else might as well
You say 'we' so that implies some sort of mutual agreement between husband and wife.
OP posts:
Ourlady · 23/06/2021 10:26

Yes I would be pissed off. It's just common courtesy to discuss these types of things. Are you concerned about the woman OP?

ravenmum · 23/06/2021 10:29

When I asked why he hadn't told me, he said he didn't think to mention it.
Did he apologise?

You bought it together, but it was for you, not for him? I'd be annoyed.

Original poster
Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:35

@Ourlady

Yes I would be pissed off. It's just common courtesy to discuss these types of things. Are you concerned about the woman OP?
I was concerned initially that he had feelings for her otherwise why not just be upfront about giving her the 'bike'. I would have checked with him before giving a male acquaintance of mine something of value. It was totally unnecessary to give her the 'bike' so I demanded that it be returned immediately. Incredibly unlike me and I resent the fact that I had to be like that.
OP posts:
Flippittyflopperty · 23/06/2021 10:36

Yes I’d be pretty annoyed. Was this item bought for you? I’d be even more bloody annoyed if it was bought by or for me as I might want to use it again at some point.
I’d want to know why he thought it was ok and why he gave it to this woman.
Didn’t think is not an excuse.

thisplaceisweird · 23/06/2021 10:37

Just strange really. We just wouldn't do anything like that without a quick 'oh I'm planning to give X..., That alright?' even via text

EmergencyHydrangea · 23/06/2021 10:37

"You say 'we' so that implies some sort of mutual agreement between husband and wife."

No it doesn't it just implies that neither of you were using it. Which you weren't

ravenmum · 23/06/2021 10:38

"Didn't think" means "acted inconsiderately towards you", so is the opposite of an excuse!

Original poster
Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:42

He apologised eventually. Not immediately though. His immediate response seemed to imply that he thought I was an annoying shrew for wanting it back. It took more than a few days for him to understand my point of view.
I've married either a spineless buffoon or a cheating wnker. Can't decide which yet.

OP posts:
spagbog5 · 23/06/2021 10:44

Dh or I would always check with each other, it's just thoughtfulness surely.
Your dh has been very thoughtless !!

Spandrel · 23/06/2021 10:47

I don’t think I’d think twice unless I’d had plans to use it in future, or had been planning to donate it. I’m not sure I understand the stress on the sex of the recipient, either? Unless it’s something that could only be used by one sex rather than another? Isn’t the fact that he gave it away the key issue?

ravenmum · 23/06/2021 10:47

If he's a cheat, then he is a spineless buffoon.

Neither respectful nor considerate, whatever he is. Has he been like that long?

Umberellatheweatha · 23/06/2021 10:48

I think I would be concerned there was something going on there too.

Thinking to give the item away to a random aquaintance in the first place is suspicious. The fact that's it's a pricey item, more suspicious. Not telling you about it, suspicious.

Has he form for flirting with other women?

LindaEllen · 23/06/2021 11:02

Yeah, if it's a shared asset it's polite to check, even if you'd most likely say yes that's fine.

Shelddd · 23/06/2021 11:09

I give things away often. I'm not a fan of selling things in general so this wouldn't be that unusual for me. I would have mentioned it but we talk about literally everything and our lives are so intertwined but I know that not everyone is like that. If something was going on it seems like he's not doing a good job of hiding it.

Sorehandsandfeet · 23/06/2021 11:12

OK, I would think it inconsiderate not too run it by you though I wouldn't jump to them cheating unless there is more to this than you've said. I would think that she said she needed a 'bike' he said you have one you don't use and therefore he would give it to her. My husband would do this sort of thing and I would never jump to the conclusion that he was cheating on me.

SixesAndEights · 23/06/2021 11:26

If this was an item like a ladies bicycle that had been hanging around unused for ages without anyone having any intention of using it again I'd give it away without a second thought.

Were you going to suddenly start using it? If not I don't see the issue.

The problem seems to be that your husband has given an unwanted item to a female he knows. Is there some history here of something, otherwise your emphasis on the sex of his acqaintance is odd. If it was an item that was for a woman specifically, even more odd. Why wouldn't he offload it if no one was using it?

Bumzoo · 23/06/2021 11:27

I think it depends what it was tbh. My DH is pretty kind and would help someone out if he could.

SixesAndEights · 23/06/2021 11:29

@Starjumpermum

When I asked why he hadn't told me, he said he didn't think to mention it.

That is not a reasonable response because it was an asset of which he would have been aware on a regular basis (not like he gave it to her and never saw it again).

At least he didn't use the 'I didn't think you'd like it' excuse which some men seem to use. But then he couldn't logically have used that one with me because I've never stopped him from doing anything.

I'm really quite enraged, putting it mildly.

Being enraged feels very OTT unless he has history. I can get why you'd be a bit annoyed if you'd rather he ran it by you first, but 'enraged' ???