Would you be annoyed or upset if

[Starjumpermum]

Would you be annoyed/upset if your husband of 30 years gave away a family asset that wasn't being used (lets say an everyday ladies bike, - it wasn't a bike, but something of equal value to give you an idea) to another woman without telling you?
The woman being an acquaintance of his, not of yours.

If it wasn’t used, when was the last time it was used and were you planning to use it again?

I might be slightly annoyed he didn’t mention it, or annoyed if I was planning to use it, but I can’t think more than that,

Is it becayse it’s a woman?

I would be annoyed. And I can’t imagine doing something like this myself without asking my DH opinion.

Isn't the point about it being a ladies' "bike" that if it was a woman's "whatever", it would be rude not to ask the woman in the family whether it was OK to give it away? It might have been bought with family money, but it was basically hers.

I'd be pissed off it wasn't discussed. Don't think I'd be demanding it back though unless I wanted to use it or sell it.

Yes, I'd be very pissed off that he didn't ask.

If it was specifically yours (which I assume is the case, as it's a women's item) then you shouid be consulted first. As you're not actually using it, it would be a bit dog-in-the-manger for you not to agree, but that's no reason to avoid asking.

It's not the giving away of the bloody thing that's the issue.
It's the giving away of the thing and then not telling me, and failing to tell me for some time until I discover it by chance.
It just makes it that much more shady than if he'd mentioned it before doing it, or immediately after he'd done it, or at some time soon after he'd done it (if he'd forgotten to tell me before).
Secrecy implies guilt of some sort.
The crazy thing is, we've always both been generous with things like this. It would not at all have been out of the ordinary. That's why his secrecy has made me angry.

Has he offered to replace it?

My DH has, in the past, given away/broken things that are mine. He never used to understand why I got upset, but now he sees that I get much more emotionally attached to things than him, so he now asks.
You need to teach him what he needs to do, and he should never give away anything of yours.

@Bluntness100

If it wasn’t used, when was the last time it was used and were you planning to use it again?

I might be slightly annoyed he didn’t mention it, or annoyed if I was planning to use it, but I can’t think more than that,

Is it becayse it’s a woman?

Asking is it because it's a woman is a useful question. Initially I would have said yes, because of the secrecy, it implies that at the very least he wanted to be the knight in shining armour. But actually, had he given this away to even one of his male relatives whilst never mentioning it to me, I would still be very, very concerned about why he never mentioned it.

So he would normally say, "Hey, OP, you know that bike that's taking up so much space? A woman at work could really use that - shall I ask her if she wants it?" but now he's just secreted it from the house without a word?

I believe that resentment is the end. Try and let this go so you don’t end up there, then tell him what you expect moving forward.

@HollowTalk

So he would normally say, "Hey, OP, you know that bike that's taking up so much space? A woman at work could really use that - shall I ask her if she wants it?" but now he's just secreted it from the house without a word?

This is exactly it. This is why I can't understand it and why it made me upset and now angry.

If it’s not used and taken up some space it’s only natural to pass it to someone. Tbh we often do this and it doesn’t matter male or female we are just trying to pass things to someone who could use them. So I understand that by not asking you your DH has actually made a big issue out of nothing.

The only reason not to mention it is because he was aware of, and uncomfortable with, his motives behind the act. The motive might be something fairly innocent, but it has to be something he is uncomfortable with his DW knowing.

Erm I think for me it would depend on the context.

If I had no concern about this particularly woman or reason to think there was a need for his secrecy then I wouldn’t care if my husband gave something away that we never used without telling me.

Also though it depends on your relationship? My husband doesn’t tell me small/minor things that happen in his day (eg he won’t let me know he spoke to his mum on the phone unless there was something significant that came from it). However I guess if you’re in a relationship where you mention small things to each other it might seem weird for this not to have been mentioned.

It's not an asset. It's a bike purchased with family money because you thought it would be a good way to loose weight. Only it's been sat in the garage all this time. He gave it away and you're upset because you're still fat!

@LunaLula83

It's not an asset. It's a bike purchased with family money because you thought it would be a good way to loose weight. Only it's been sat in the garage all this time. He gave it away and you're upset because you're still fat!

What a vivid imagination. But it's not even a bike?

I think this is only making you angry because you suspect he is attracted to this woman and you are annoyed that he acted on it. I think the real reason he didn't tell was because he knows how he feels about her and wanted to do this for her but didn't want you to suspect his motives. That backfired massively didn't it.

Has it been returned?

I'd be annoyed if it was something I still wanted / used or if it was something only I used, yes. If it was something we've had for years that was gathering dust, I'd wouldn't mind......in fact, I'd be delighted if my DH could bring himself to get rid of some of the items HE has insisted on keeping for the last few aeons.....! (But be annoyed if I thought he 'like liked' the woman.)

@WallaceinAnderland

I think this is only making you angry because you suspect he is attracted to this woman and you are annoyed that he acted on it. I think the real reason he didn't tell was because he knows how he feels about her and wanted to do this for her but didn't want you to suspect his motives. That backfired massively didn't it.

That's the only reason I can think of for keeping it from me. But isn't that rather stupid because I might eventually find out anyway. Perhaps it was one of those situations where he digs himself into a hole, and finds it keeps getting deeper and he can't then get out.

@Nicolastuffedone

Has it been returned?

Yes

My husband would totally gift someone something that we were no longer using. He might well tell me after. I don’t think I would be upset about it in the way you are though. But it might depend on my assumption of his motives. Being kind at my expense, frustrating but ok. Giving gifts to another woman - not ok.

There must have been something about the 'gift' to make him think that I wouldn't like her having it.

I think you should actually explain what the asset actually is as unless you do that , we can't get a sense of proportion about it.