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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's having an affair isn't he

71 replies

DancingLady · 23/06/2021 09:57

I don't check my husband's phone but this morning his alarm was beeping so I went to swipe it off. And saw a WhatsApp from a pretty, youngish woman. The message read, in its entirety, 'That makes sense. Am really sad not to be seeing you. Have had a migraine today so will confirm that week tmrw xxx (Really sad)'

It was sent at nearly midnight last night. I don't know who this woman is. I feel oddly calm as our marriage (nearly 13y) has been in trouble for years. We have 2 DC, 11 and 5, so this might be a good thing for us.

OP posts:

VodselForDinner · 23/06/2021 09:59

this might be a good thing for us

In what way, OP? In the sense that it’s a final nail in the coffin and you’re glad it’ll bring things to a conclusion?

Before you tell him what you’ve found, take some time to get your affairs in order. Don’t give him an inkling until you have copies of all financial and asset documents.

ineedanewnameplease · 23/06/2021 10:00

He might be but as already advised, sit on the info and get your ducks in a row first.

Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:01

Couldn't you see the conversation before this message?

Shelddd · 23/06/2021 10:02

Yeah definitely is.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 23/06/2021 10:03

That could be a flirty colleague? Sounds like whatever this is it’s crystallised for you that the marriage is over? Would counselling help you to either restore the relationship or exit with a conscious uncoupling (as it were!)

Original poster

DancingLady · 23/06/2021 10:03

Yep will get finances sorted. No I couldn't see the prev convo as his phone was locked. He's always been v secretive with his phone- DD goes on mine all the time but is not allowed on his.

And yes, could be a good thing as it means I'm not the bad guy if I end things...

OP posts:

Original poster

DancingLady · 23/06/2021 10:05

I mean is this message totally innocent? I don't sign messages to male friends xxx and also he's never mentioned this woman before. Don't know if she's a colleague?

OP posts:

Starjumpermum · 23/06/2021 10:07

Saying she's really sad (twice) about not seeing him; mentioning the migraine to get sympathy from him; signing off with three kisses. Not automatically an affair but definitely someone who either really, really likes him, or is after something from him.

Sporranrummager · 23/06/2021 10:09

Not 'being the bad guy' is irrelevant, if the marriage is over then it is fairer on everyone to end it.

friedeggsandchips · 23/06/2021 10:16

Sounds worrying.
Depends how you look at it because if you just wanted confirmation then this may give you clarity on what you want to do now if you weren't sure about how your marriage was going anyway.
Sad for you if he has been cheating though.

MMmomDD · 23/06/2021 10:20

If your marriage isn’t in a good place - maybe this - whatever this is is a nudge you need. To at least decide as a couple what you want - break up or get some counselling and try to fix things?

As to the message - it doesn’t read too personal or emotional, in my opinion. More tongue in cheek - the ‘very sad’ in brackets is to me a very slightly flirty bantering.
And many people use Xxxx very liberally

Original poster

DancingLady · 23/06/2021 10:22

Thanks for all the replies, I am reading them but at work rn so can't do detailed responses. Yes our marriage has been over for a while I think.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 23/06/2021 10:29

Maybe your marriage problems are a direct result of him turning his attentions elsewhere.

Only you know if he knows other women platonically enough to be so open, context is everything.

Take care x

WatieKatie · 23/06/2021 10:34

Do you have the ability to unlock his phone OP? If so that might give you more information. It’s very easy to jump to conclusions.

I have an ex who I am still very close to. We just didn’t work as a couple but are great friends and share a history. We always sign off with lots of kisses however it is purely platonic just something we’ve always done.

Ohmygoshandfolly · 23/06/2021 10:35

Maybe just an overly flirty colleague but yeah, it doesn’t look good. If you’ve been in trouble for some time anyway, this may be the proverbial straw.

MarshmallowAra · 23/06/2021 10:35

It certainly sounds like a very familiar, affectionate and emotional message for someone who's not involved with him.

I'd put money on there being a romantic etc. involvement.

His secrecy/control with his phone is significant too.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2021 10:37

Other than the kisses this doesn’t look like some romantic sexually charged message to me.

thisplaceisweird · 23/06/2021 10:39

Ask him about it. It doesn't sound like you want to be together so why stay

VodselForDinner · 23/06/2021 10:42

I’m really good friends with a male colleague. We’re both happily married and have no romantic interest in each other, but speak frequently on work issues but would always check to see how we’re each getting on outside of work with families etc.

I was just thinking about some of the texts we send each other and was wondering if they would be interpreted as suspicious if viewed by someone else out of context, and I really don’t think so.

For example, if we were due to be at the same meeting today and then I had to withdraw because I was unwell, I could see myself saying something like “it’s a shame we won’t get a chance to catch up today as it’s been ages”, there wouldn’t be kisses or talk of sadness etc.

I don’t know. Like, maybe it is a message from a colleague, but I’d be highly suspicious.

Bluesheep8 · 23/06/2021 10:44

And yes, could be a good thing as it means I'm not the bad guy if I end things...

Genuine question - why would ending a marriage that's over be such a bad thing?
It seems you've been waiting for something to happen so that it's his fault

Popetthetreehugger · 23/06/2021 10:48

Totally get you not wanting to be bad guy , you do get some Pius people on here 🤦‍♀️ . Who in here right mind would rock there children’s world without a cast iron reason . As you know the drill , gather evidence , get financial stuff organised. Get a plan of how you see best case outcome for you and DC . Keep your eye on where you want to be and go for it 💐 every good luck x

Looubylou · 23/06/2021 10:59

It does read as very suspicious, Infact I would be feeling quite certain if I saw that on my partner's phone. I hope things turn out well for you all, whatever turn things take.

Jonjojobs123 · 23/06/2021 11:19

I felt the same sense of calm when my husbands ons came out. Like you our marriage had been had not been great for as long as i remember but never bad enough to call it quits...great family life but shit life as a couple. I remember thinking I've got my out. So completely get where your coming from. X

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/06/2021 11:27

could be a good thing as it means I'm not the bad guy if I end things

Jesus christ, have a bit of respect for yourself.

You say your marriage has been over for a while. So do something about it.

Original poster

DancingLady · 23/06/2021 12:50

Knowing my husband, he's pretty reserved and wouldn't message a friend with three kisses etc. Maybe nothing physical has happened but seems like emotional involvement. Also he talks about most most his female friends and colleagues and he's never mentioned this woman.

OP posts:

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