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Relationships

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Original poster

Another sexless marriage one

92 replies

dryasaboner · 22/06/2021 22:08

Boring topic but I really feel like crying at this point. We've argued about this so many times. He started ADs in February as he was acting so depressed. Then came the oh I've got no sex drive on these tablets. But tbh since we had second child it's been sexless save for maybe special occasions. I nearly fell for another man, we split for a short while and he came back saying he would do what it takes. He sleeps on the sofa and always has an excuse for this. I'm gutted he just won't do anything to change . I would just walk but our five year old would be so heartbroken o can't put him through it.
Any ideas please- would love to go to therapy but it's so expensive

OP posts:

quickisticki · 29/06/2021 11:03

It's staggering to me that people will give up their entire relationship/person they love, for sex, it's as if there's nothing there unless they're in bed.

My ex did it, but it still makes me wonder if he ever truly loved me if it was so easy to leave and be with someone else - for the sake of sex.

Flexibleowl · 29/06/2021 11:16

But if you’re not having sex - ever - that’s a lot to give up. For some people maybe it’s not but I don’t think dismissing it as ‘just sex’ is helpful either.

JustAnotherOldMan · 29/06/2021 11:41

@quickisticki

It's staggering to me that people will give up their entire relationship/person they love, for sex, it's as if there's nothing there unless they're in bed.

My ex did it, but it still makes me wonder if he ever truly loved me if it was so easy to leave and be with someone else - for the sake of sex.

It’s not quite as simple as that, I left my due to this, the lack sex was a symptom of a dead relationship, I didn’t get married to become celibate In my 30’s or just live with someone who doesn’t really care about my needs or wants, screw that (pun intended).

I know each couple will be different, but for me the ending of the sexual part of the relationship was the signal that the relationship has finished and we’re just 2 people living in the same house

Threewheeler1 · 29/06/2021 12:19

Oh OP, it's a slow death to your confidence and sense of self if you do actually want sex with the person you married and they don't.
Been together 21 years, 2 dc and an otherwise loving relationship but he's barely touched me since dc 2 was born (15 years nearly).
In that space of time we've probably had sex 10 times. I've tried everything but am fairly certain he's asexual. That's what I have to tell myself to stay sane. He has absolutely no sexual side to him at all.
Looking back, it wasn't exactly dynamic in the beginning but we were both busy so I didn't notice the infrequency.
Things just got worse every year. My sister has the same problem with her DH. Bizarre because we both have healthy sex drives but have ended up with men who won't touch us. We often laugh/cry about it. I think it's far more common than we know.
I've come to accept that I'm never going to feel attractive or wanted by DH & it's like that part of me has gone now anyway. I love him too much to leave but I feel tricked into a life of monogamy and that causes resentment
If there's a way out for you, if you feel that this can't be fixed, then I'd urge you to take it!
Like other's have said, you might end up with someone who makes you feel so good and wonder how you lived without it! x

Femme99 · 29/06/2021 13:25

@quickisticki

It's staggering to me that people will give up their entire relationship/person they love, for sex, it's as if there's nothing there unless they're in bed.

My ex did it, but it still makes me wonder if he ever truly loved me if it was so easy to leave and be with someone else - for the sake of sex.

Off course he loved you. He clearly decided he couldn’t live a life without sex and that’s understandable.

Flexibleowl · 29/06/2021 13:29

And it’s fine if it’s not important to you but I don’t think we should make people feel ashamed if it is important to them and they don’t want to be celibate forever.

Femme99 · 29/06/2021 13:29

I agree with @JustAnotherOldMan, when you enter a relationship or get married, you shouldn’t have to accept a life of celibacy, for many this is a very valuable part of a relationship. If my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for months/years then it would mark the end of our marriage.

InkieNecro · 29/06/2021 14:05

@quickisticki

It's staggering to me that people will give up their entire relationship/person they love, for sex, it's as if there's nothing there unless they're in bed.

My ex did it, but it still makes me wonder if he ever truly loved me if it was so easy to leave and be with someone else - for the sake of sex.

Sex is a biological drive, I would only live without it for medical reasons, and even then I would expect my partner to still want to be physically intimate even if we couldn't have sex.

MissBridgetJones · 29/06/2021 14:49

@R0SEMARY

I disgree. I think they CBA with sex with a RL woman anymore, it’s too much effort . They just want a quick wank to porn then back to gaming.

Of course they also want someone to wash their pants, cook their dinner and look after their kids. They know they would have to do all this for themselves if they left.

So its easier to keep things as they are.

It’s not about them going off you, it’s about their laziness. Lazy lover, lazy father, lazy around the house.

This 100%

Original poster

dryasaboner · 29/06/2021 15:36

@quickisticki

It's staggering to me that people will give up their entire relationship/person they love, for sex, it's as if there's nothing there unless they're in bed.

My ex did it, but it still makes me wonder if he ever truly loved me if it was so easy to leave and be with someone else - for the sake of sex.

But you could ask if you truly loved him? If you were so unwilling to be sexual with him and do something that is very normal and healthy in a marriage ?

OP posts:

Lookingoutside · 29/06/2021 16:35

All I can do is share from my own perspective and experience. Also I don’t have children and I wasn’t financially dependent on my husband. I still think the issues around leaving in those circumstances can be overcome but it is the case that I didn’t have to overcome them so again it was easier for me.

For years though, I stayed because he seemed to be such a special person in other ways, we laughed and had great times. We virtually had our own language we were so close. I couldn’t imagine a world where we each didn’t know where the other was, whether he was ok or needed something. Going through something hard or getting home after a tough day without him being there.

When I look back I see everything differently. A lot of that closeness and all the laughing and “other forms of intimacy” were actually a form of manipulation. He knew how much pain I was in because he wouldn’t touch me. He saw me cry and cry and explain again and again how I felt, and he took no action at all to either make a change or let me go.

Special people don’t take from their partner like that. They don’t watch the person they claim to love eventually become a shadow of themselves with all of the associated problems which come about as a result of sexual neglect.

In the end it even affected my confidence at work and I had started to doubt whether family and friends liked or wanted to be around me. I was diagnosed with depression and even believed that I was disgusting to look at. I think those in this situation may continue to quietly make their peace with it while focusing on the benefits of the relationship but it may affect you in ways that you’re not aware of until you start struggling to cope.

goody2shooz · 29/06/2021 16:55

Your child might be upset for a while, but she isn’t losing her father unless he chooses to absent himself from her life. Plenty of children grow up just fine after their parents marriage breaks down. After all, it’s a pretty miserable one she’s watching and assuming as her ‘normal’ now isn’t it? I don’t personally think a parent should sacrifice their happiness to give a child a two parent home. Sex in a marriage should be more than just basic sex - it should be part of the warmth and intimacy between a loving couple. That warmth and intimacy seems to be long gone from your marriage, leaving it something of an empty husk. You deserve much better - would you want your adult child to have a relationship like yours?

Shallysally · 29/06/2021 16:55

@Lookingoutside, this has really resonated with me. I do wonder if this is how the situation will affect me eventually.

I’m sorry that you were so affected by your ex’s actions

Although I honestly don’t think he’s either clever or unkind enough to manipulate me, but some men clearly are.

Lookingoutside · 29/06/2021 17:30

@Shallysally

‘I’m sorry that you were so affected by your ex’s actions’

Thank you. I’m better now ❤️

I don’t think my husband was intentionally unkind or being clever about it. I believe it was a subconscious manipulation and in the end, a twisted and complicated dynamic between us.

He knew every detail of how I felt and so was at pains to give me fun and laughs and great times. Showcasing the things he could offer and trying to hang on to the relationship in his own way. But at the same time it was an unkind thing to do. I don’t know if I’m being clear there.

Shallysally · 29/06/2021 17:56

Glad you are ok now.

Yes you are being clear. And I agree, they do know how we feel. I think my partner just gets on with life, I choose to stay, he’s happy in his world. He’s happy as long as I stay.

We don’t live together, if we did I don’t think we would still be together.

Original poster

dryasaboner · 11/07/2021 10:36

Me again
I'm feeling very depressed currently about the marriage and the thought of staying is bad but also the thought of ending it and the upheaval it will cause I just dont know what to do or where to go
Has anyone done therapy and how did that work?

OP posts:

Lookingoutside · 12/07/2021 01:20

Hi OP. So sorry to hear you’re feeling depressed.

Eventually I went to therapy by myself for reasons unrelated to my sexless marriage. It did come up though. My therapist never told me to leave but the path of our conversations lead me to my own realisation.

Have you asked your partner to go for therapy with you? It may help him to make changes but equally it may motivate you to choose yourself.

If the only thing keeping you there is the thought of the upheaval of leaving then I would say that you should trust yourself. Trust your ability to get through it and to get your family through it too. It is possible to end your marriage if that is what you want.

Take your time, think hard, treat yourself, talk to friends if you can. There’s no rush and you will eventually get to where you need to be.

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