Another sexless marriage one

[dryasaboner]

Boring topic but I really feel like crying at this point. We've argued about this so many times. He started ADs in February as he was acting so depressed. Then came the oh I've got no sex drive on these tablets. But tbh since we had second child it's been sexless save for maybe special occasions. I nearly fell for another man, we split for a short while and he came back saying he would do what it takes. He sleeps on the sofa and always has an excuse for this. I'm gutted he just won't do anything to change . I would just walk but our five year old would be so heartbroken o can't put him through it.
Any ideas please- would love to go to therapy but it's so expensive

I disgree. I think they CBA with sex with a RL woman anymore, it’s too much effort . They just want a quick wank to porn then back to gaming.

Of course they also want someone to wash their pants, cook their dinner and look after their kids. They know they would have to do all this for themselves if they left.

So its easier to keep things as they are.

It’s not about them going off you, it’s about their laziness. Lazy lover, lazy father, lazy around the house.

Do not stay for the sake of the children, it teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie. It’s a terribly heavy burden to place upon them, the knowledge that you stayed because of them. Do not do this to yourself.

Do not be afraid to move on with your life.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

Would you want your now 5 year old growing up with this relationship template being his norm?. No you would not and you would not want him as an adult to be in a loveless marriage either.

@R0SEMARY

I disgree. I think they CBA with sex with a RL woman anymore, it’s too much effort . They just want a quick wank to porn then back to gaming.

Of course they also want someone to wash their pants, cook their dinner and look after their kids. They know they would have to do all this for themselves if they left.

So its easier to keep things as they are.

It’s not about them going off you, it’s about their laziness. Lazy lover, lazy father, lazy around the house.

Very true- or why they don't leave unless they have someone else you jump straight into bed with

I hear you. My husband sleeps in the spare room often. Sometimes he gets up in the middle of the night - citing my snoring as the reason, although a few times I've been lying awake and he's got up - other times he goes straight there. No sex since honeymoon in 2019. I think he's asexual.

None since the honeymoon 2 years ago?

First year is meant to be a high point

Imagine leaving and have a good look at what that would be like. As far as I know, any studies that were done on the way divorce “damages” children have been debunked on the grounds that it was living in poverty (not resulting from divorce) which actually did the damage.

I know it must be very hard to imagine the initial impact on your children. I don’t have any so I was able to walk away from my sexless marriage. Although I did stay for a long time, trusting him when he promised about twice a year for 15 years that things would change. Wasting myself and my time like that is my only regret in life but it’s a BIG one.

There is a whole new life for you if you want it. People who want to spend time with you, have sex with you and love you (if that’s what you want) are waiting.

I'd push the open marriage thing to be honest I couldn't and wouldn't live without sex - maybe if he realises you will stray he might be promoted to act

[quote Sillawithans]@JustAnotherOldMan cheating on me with a Flymo I've no idea. It baffles me really. I might go out later and see if I can sweet talk the Flymo into shagging me [/quote]
Just spat my G and T out at this. Thank you for the howling laugh. Sadly, this is a serious subject and people think men want sex all the time at whatever age. How wrong they can be. A while ago I had to finish a relationship as the sex had stopped very quickly from the beginning of the relationship. He cited he had a low libido....I thought, how ridiculous all men want sex....wrong....I tried it all, sexy lingerie, quiet nights in, sex texting.... the lot. I managed 18 months and quit. I am in my mid to late 50s and still have a healthy sex drive. This was the first and only relationship I had to leave because of lack of sex. I actually felt quite weird about it but MN always comes in with the goods. I have a right to a great sex life whatever age and its part of a healthy relationship. So, OP, you have a right to a sex life. It is an integral part of a healthy and fun relationship, unless both in the relationship are happy to not have sex again. Your child is 5, if you plan to leave I would do it now as he wont ever remember you were together when he is older. Unless he has an epiphany and suddenly discovers his penis again this will get worse and worse.

@litterbird you're welcome! Flymo turned me down by the way

Well op any action last night? I could've sworn that the cucumber in my fridge was looking at me with come to bed eyes last night

I've gone off my man a bit now, it would be weird to shag him now I think plus he's left me wondering wtf is wrong with me, fucker, how dare he, I'm pretty hot stuff you know.
I'm actually planning my exit from this relationship. I've distanced myself from him and just do my own thing now. I got a second job so I don't have to rely on him and can look after myself and my children when it's over. I have a crush too and this actually helps. He invited me over to his to join him in a shared hobby we both like and I'm gonna go.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 @Sillawithans

I snapped today told my Gp god love her she’s backing me, told her dh has no interest never really has so I have crushes and masturbate, she said “don’t blame you” my mood lately has been so low today he’s just done my head in. A thousand wasted, he’s not taking the tablets, so today I snapped.

It’s six years since DH and slept together.
I think he wants to, I don’t know. We don’t talk about it. I don’t want to. The reasons are numerous but our sex life has always been poor. In my 20s I only had sex about 5 times in total, despite being married since 19.
For various reasons I want sex, but not with DH. However I have two dc (miraculously), and I feel it’s too selfish for me to break up their home over.

Group hug I cried last night in anger sadness I didn’t want to look at him last night, I’ll get over this, today I having my belly button redone and a nose piercing and I’m having time out for me. And yes I’m having a birthday loads of dvds .

I also think with many men it's that they can't be arsed to emotionally connect, marriage isn't for them.

They distance themselves from you in all sorts of other ways too it's just that sex is the most noticeable. (More time spent at work and on hobbies, don't cuddle in the sofa and enjoy the same TV programmes, no effort for date nights or walks together, less effort put into birthday gifts and surprises etc.)

These all start breaking the bonds of connection....that go unnoticed as they are easily explained away 'he's a good dad, he provides for the family, he's a bloke he's not cuddly or chatty, we have different interests in tv and hobbies, he needs his 'wind down' time, we are all frazzled with family life'

But essentially he isn't that into you, can't be bothered to connect with you, is bored of marriage, selfish and lazy and probably not in touch with his emotions at all (this is often when some sexy work colleague or similar wanders into their life and steals their heart - their guard is down they don't even realise how unhappy they are until that point)

Why would he want to connect in the such intimate way with you when he's already checked out. Your needs are not being met at all!

When you confront him and stamp your feet with indignation he will comply for a while (for an easy life) but things still slip back.

You need to be very firm and clear, get counselling and both make changes to save your marriage and reconnect or you need to leave - both parents unhappy and not living their best life is a poor example for your DC.

Left a total waste of space ExH who did this. 9 years he gave bullshit excuses as to why he didn't want intimacy ranging from, his health, my health, his weight, my weight, his tiredness, his work, kids overhearing etc. It went on and on and I gave up begging for the crumbs in the end. However by that point I was a husk of my normal self. Turns out he'd been screwing everything and everyone else - Male, Female and was obsessed with escorts. Best thing I ever did was to finally leave because what was I teaching the DC by staying?!

Now in a loving relationship with a phenomenal man who cannot keep his hands off me!

Life is too short for a life without sex. Not only that, sex is good for us in many ways.

@litterbird.
I think Your 100% correct, there is a general assumption that all men want sex all the time and that’s just not the case, mens sex drive have ups and downs (no pun intended), just as women do, when I was made redundant, we ( exwife & I )had just bought a house and the worry of not being able to afford the mortgage really affected me (we needed both incomes) and killed my sex drive for quite a while, even after getting a new job as it really stuck with me.

The same happened when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, once it was clear he was terminally ill, it really affected me and killed my sex drive stone dead (at the time I was with a lady with a strong sex drive), plus I had to travel 100 + miles to see him, and my partner left me due to this lack of sex (which I thought was pretty shitty of her TBH ),
Anyhow, those days are gone now and I feel that the drive has returned and am looking fwd to getting back ‘into action’ soon, it certainly won’t be with a flymo, but my new fancy pants pressure washer is looking pretty alluring these days …
Btw I’m early 50’s

@cupcakecourageous you have nailed my situation perfectly. We are a month into trying to work it out, but its a shitty time.
OP sorry you are going through this - if he’s willing to spend more time with you go out for meals or do things you enjoy, try and relax, be kind to each other and treat it like dating - get to know each other again and hopefully reconnect emotionally. That’s what we’re trying to do, making progress but it’s tough, one day at a time x

I cried a bit in bed last night. He'd gone straight to the spare room. He's autistic and I just think once he'd married me in his mind that was it. No need to try anymore, with sex or anything else. It's never been good or enthusiastic (apart from at the very start).

I recently looked at pics of local-ish guys on a random dating site (one you don't need to sign up for) to see what's on offer these days and ugh, the same weirdos and old looking unattractive men, nothing has changed. Not exactly inspiring.

Husband can be nice, generous and thoughtful sometimes (usually in relation to buying tech stuff, which I don't really care about) but he spends most of his spare time on his own, away from me. It gets very lonely. I went out walking with a friend last night, when I came back he was watching random stuff on YouTube, later on he was lying in the spare bedroom reading stuff on his kindle. We do nothing together unless it's me driving him somewhere for a day out at the weekend (he doesn't have a UK license yet) but even then he'll be walking ahead of me or behind, not together.

I miss flirting and innuendo, everything is so boring now, can't even joke about sex stuff but he gets huffy. It's supposed to be fun.

I have said I'll arrange counselling for us but not sure what difference it would make, might just be money down the drain (he said he'd pay but even so).

OP how do you feel about just living life for yourself as much as possible if you can’t face leaving yet? By that I mean telling your husband that you are now very likely to sleep
with someone else and then do so.

I find it amazing that people think they can just shut down the sex in a relationship consequence free.

Several friends of mine are refusing to sleep with their husbands currently (now they’ve got their children) and genuinely seem to believe that they will remain in a monogamous happy relationship. I just don’t get it.

@Sunnidayz

That sounds utterly miserable. You deserve so much more.

@Lookingoutside - It is those exact husbands that end up on the hook-up sites. Sex doesn’t have to be every day, even once a week, fortnightly is something but to deny your partner of sex for years isn’t what most partners want and will ultimately lead to one of the partners eventually straying elsewhere, I’m not saying it’s right but that desire and need will eventually override any moral choices.

@SparklingStars10

Of course they’ll end up on the hook up sites. Or involved with someone at work.

I’ve witnessed it and the genuine shock on the part of the “cheated on” partner is hard to understand.