Another sexless marriage one

[dryasaboner]

Boring topic but I really feel like crying at this point. We've argued about this so many times. He started ADs in February as he was acting so depressed. Then came the oh I've got no sex drive on these tablets. But tbh since we had second child it's been sexless save for maybe special occasions. I nearly fell for another man, we split for a short while and he came back saying he would do what it takes. He sleeps on the sofa and always has an excuse for this. I'm gutted he just won't do anything to change . I would just walk but our five year old would be so heartbroken o can't put him through it.
Any ideas please- would love to go to therapy but it's so expensive

@cupcakecourageous, I read your post and it strongly reminded we why my marriage failed, all the points are pretty much spot on, but I wouldn’t say all men can be lazy and selfish, just that some men ( and women ), don’t see the emotional connection and being so important, or they don’t realise the level of importance, the other person puts on it, and ignore this part of the relationship

It’s just how some people see having a big house, designer labels or a fancy car as really important as it exudes personal success and others not so much

But that’s just what I think 🤷🏼‍♂️

Several friends of mine are refusing to sleep with their husbands currently (now they’ve got their children) and genuinely seem to believe that they will remain in a monogamous happy relationship. I just don’t get it.

This exactly is what happened with me and my ExW, she decided that she didn’t want sex (with me at least) we limped along for about 2 years but, she was quite surprised when I told her we were getting divorced !.

@JustAnotherOldMan you are spot on, in some instances this can work if both spouses are on the same page, raise their children together but lose their emotional connection but both enjoy freedom and have their own hobbies, life & friends etc.

But if one spouse craves that closeness and the other isn't bothered then this cause much unhappiness and resentment.

Not all men are like this (sometimes could be the woman withdrawing) but...in the case of 'sex less' marriages I think this scenario is common.

At least I can look at him without screaming now,

@Sillawithans of course I didn't get lucky last night 😂I did get a bouquet of flowers though but I can't exactly hump them

I agree with a pp. they probably don't fancy you any longer but like the lifestyle you afford them, wife and kids at home, someone to share the chores and responsibilities with, someone to go on holiday with, but without having to have sex with.

He's shown you he won't change - life is way too short to have a shitty relationship.

Your dc will use your relationship as the blueprint for any relationship they have. You are teaching your dc that this is what a 'normal' relationship looks like, no affection, no kissing or cuddling, and Dsd sleeps on the sofa. Is that what you want for your dc?

@dryasaboner were they an apology for not shagging you

[quote Sillawithans]@dryasaboner were they an apology for not shagging you [/quote]
Ha ha yeah probably something to take the heat off him fulfilling that aspect

Another dry night tonight....manflu is the reason for him being on the sofa tonight

Mine is still in the shed it used to really bother me but not anymore really. This lack of sex has ruined what was once a wonderful relationship which is sad really.

Sex is vital and life without it is a slow death. Life is too short as it as - find someone better to share your life with

Oh 8 get plenty in my mind believe me I do, I’m not suffering because he’s not interested.

Sunnydayz
I miss flirting and innuendo, everything is so boring now, can't even joke about sex stuff but he gets huffy. It's supposed to be fun.

Me too.

Also, it’s the total disregard for my feelings. If these men are wanking to porn then they clearly have the urge. I know there is a difference between this and having sex. But it’s just selfish.

There’s been times when my partner has been with me for the weekend, I’ve had to pop out, and he will have watched porn whilst I was out. Yes, I am that person who looks at his internet history, although I can’t be bothered to do that now.

I just think that the rest of the relationship is good, but actually, is it?

‘I just think that the rest of the relationship is good, but actually, is it?’

No. It isn’t. None of these relationships are.

At the end of your lives will you be glad you stayed?

I think part of why I choose to stay is that, apart from the sex issue, he is basically a decent guy. We have a good life, we have intimacy in other ways. We are each other’s life partner, we laugh, have fun, he and my daughter get on well.

I know that it’s pretty dire out there single men wise, and given the amount of similar posts on here and other forums whats to say I’ll end up with a similar chap but with added issues, infidelity/abusive etc?

That’s true @Shallysally

I’m speaking from my single not celibate perspective so if being in a relationship is very important to someone then it is more complicated I guess.

Yes I guess so @Lookingoutside. And your comment saying at the end of life will I be glad I stayed, honestly, I don’t know. When I was single I always said that I wouldn’t settle for something that was mediocre, but obviously we don’t know about issues such as low sex drive until we are in a committed relationship, generally at least.

I guess it’s about balancing the elements of a relationship that you value the most. So if sex is very important, then do I end current relationship to go seek a partner that may not bring much else to the table other than sex?

It’s just so difficult to know. This week that voice has been very loud. Today it’s quieter, but it is there almost constantly.

Exactly after seeing what happens with other people dating and that I just couldn't be arsed to even try with another man so I'd be having no more sex if I left him

Well, I’m sending love to all and I hope it works out for you one way or another. 💐💐💐 Not easy is it? X

@Shallysally

It’s why so many stay. Familiarity and routine.

Why do people go to the same hotel every year when there are so many places to explore? Why do some people buy the same car they had last time? Stay in the same jobs all their lives when they don’t really like it?

Familiarity and routine are important to some people, hence why people stay.

It’s a big risk seeking a new relationship, particularly when you read how shit dating is on here on the Dating thread. Giving up all you have for the chance of a shag and “happiness” - I prefer to seek my happiness in other ways. It’s a big issue to lots of people though. I no longer place much importance on sex. A connection of the mind and common interests/friendship is more important now although I don’t commit to any one serious relationship so perhaps easier for me.

I think I must be the only person who doesn't put so much importance on sex.. To me, being truly intimate comes in so many different ways, not just through sex.

My sex drive disappears as soon as a partner lies, causes a row, picks and finds fault - cause there's no way in hell i am having sex with a partner who makes me feel like shit and the more they are putting pressure on me doing it, the less I want it... Stop being an arsehole and i might do it........

That's why real intimacy comes from being kind, supportive, honesty, loving, considerate, being thoughtful... they're things that make me feel good to then be physical but definitely don't expect to act like a dick and get what you want.....

@quickisticki, I agree with you. And for me, sex isn’t the most important factor in a relationship. I’d have ended present relationship a long time ago if it was!

For me, it’s about the things that you mention, kindness, consideration.

The ties that bind us to each other. As long as they are there, along with the love then I’ll choose to stay.

@quickisticki

I think I must be the only person who doesn't put so much importance on sex.. To me, being truly intimate comes in so many different ways, not just through sex.

My sex drive disappears as soon as a partner lies, causes a row, picks and finds fault - cause there's no way in hell i am having sex with a partner who makes me feel like shit and the more they are putting pressure on me doing it, the less I want it... Stop being an arsehole and i might do it........

That's why real intimacy comes from being kind, supportive, honesty, loving, considerate, being thoughtful... they're things that make me feel good to then be physical but definitely don't expect to act like a dick and get what you want.....

I don't know who that's aimed at but I certainly don't act like a dick - I pull my weight speak with respect and am kind and thoughtful. I am however still in a sexless marriage and do feel like I'm missing out

@dryasaboner

So leave. If the lack of sex is bothering you that much, leave! My ex had no issues leaving our relationship due to lack of sex....he wanted it so he left.....and good for him, glad he's happy now :)

Your partner is on ADs which either kill the libido or heighten it.... both have happened to me, first time I was on the them I wanted sex 24/7 the second time time I went on them, I definitely didn't ....... and nothing can force it back, I loved and fancied my ex but it didn't make me want to have sex.

[quote quickisticki]@dryasaboner

So leave. If the lack of sex is bothering you that much, leave! My ex had no issues leaving our relationship due to lack of sex....he wanted it so he left.....and good for him, glad he's happy now :)

Your partner is on ADs which either kill the libido or heighten it.... both have happened to me, first time I was on the them I wanted sex 24/7 the second time time I went on them, I definitely didn't ....... and nothing can force it back, I loved and fancied my ex but it didn't make me want to have sex.[/quote]
It's been a long time before the anti depressants. In the past 15 years sex has been so infrequent I doubt we've had it 50 times

OP this is awful. I know there are dreadful stories on here about men and dating but there are a lot of happy and fulfilling scenarios that we don’t hear about.

Is it that you think it isn’t possible to have a good sex life and the positive aspects of your current relationship with someone else?

Obviously it’s something of a gamble but what if it worked out well?

Is your partner aware of how the lack of sex makes you feel? Because a good guy wouldn’t be ok with that.