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Original poster

My partner just doesn’t help me!

58 replies

MissPS · 22/06/2021 20:10

Hi I’m looking for some advice about what to do. I’ve been with my DP for 4 years and I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house, bar doing the dishwasher/emptying the bins. We’ve both got a child from previous relationships and a baby due in a few weeks. He’s still not pulling his weight though!
He works hard and has two days off a week but he spends these on the golf course, along with some evenings. We’ve recently moved house, got a million jobs to still do before baby arrives but he’s just not helping me. I feel awful even writing this as I really do love him so much, and he’s amazing with the children, as well as being kind in everyday life.
I’ve just reached the end of my tether with being left to lift boxes up the stairs, unpack them, tidy up and do the everyday housework. I’ve started maternity leave but just feel done in. I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this. Any advice would be really welcome. I want to be with him as I love him but can I really carry on my life living like this?! He’s currently sat watching the football whilst I carry things up the stairs, although he has cooked tea for the children and himself - nothing for me though! Help!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 22/06/2021 20:13

It will be worse when the baby comes, and you're on maternity leave. I'm not saying he cannot change, what would have to happen to make him want to though?

Sparklfairy · 22/06/2021 20:15

Why didn't he cook for you?

Why are you lugging things when heavily pregnant?

PacifyLulu · 22/06/2021 20:17

He’s not an amazing dad. He’s not kind In everyday life. I wouldn’t sit on my arse and let (pregnant) you carry boxes upstairs and I’ve never bloody met you!!

BillMasheen · 22/06/2021 20:20

How can he possibly be kind if he’s happy to let you struggle.

He’s buying his leisure with hours of YOUR life.

Taliskerskye · 22/06/2021 20:22

Just be resigned to it. Nothing else you can do really. It’s never going to change. He doesn’t really care enough

YeokensYegg · 22/06/2021 20:23

Have you said, get off your arse and help me now?

Backthewaywecame · 22/06/2021 20:23

How can you say he is kind?

Clickbait · 22/06/2021 20:24

I can't believe he cooked nothing for you?!

SGChome20 · 22/06/2021 20:24

He cooked himself dinner and not you? Is there any legitimate reason for this like allergies etc?

IsThePopeCatholic · 22/06/2021 20:26

He sounds like a selfish prick.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2021 20:26

What is there to love about this man?. How is he kind if indeed he is prepared to see you lug boxes about and or otherwise struggle? Your relationship bar is so very low here if you think he is kind. Amazing dad he is not, he is a poor example. You already knew he was useless around the house aka thinking of the chores as your job primarily because you are female.

I would seriously consider giving your baby your surname rather than his.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 22/06/2021 20:30

Wtf are you doing running around while he's sat watching football?
Go and sit down, turn the football off and loose your temper tell him he needs to do the heavy lifting.

Honestly, sort this out now. It's only going to get worse with a baby in the mix.

HotPenguin · 22/06/2021 20:30

WTF why are you carrying boxes when heavily pregnant? I would read him the riot act, in fact I would consider ringing his mum and asking her to have a word. Tell him to get his act together or leave. You'll resent it a lot more when you have a newborn

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2021 20:34

I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this.

What did he say?

You're trapped now and you think it's your job anyway because you refer to him 'helping' rather than doing his share.

He's one of these men. Had a kid, wanted a housekeeper after the relationship broke down (probably because he did the same) and you stepped in. You did stuff and he settled into laziness. Now you're pregnant he will never change. You'll either put up with this and do everything or leave.

And then he'll find another house elf with a vagina.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/06/2021 20:34

"He’s not an amazing dad. He’s not kind In everyday life. I wouldn’t sit on my arse and let (pregnant) you carry boxes upstairs and I’ve never bloody met you!!"

I was going to say exactly this. What's kind about cooking for the family excluding one person and sitting on your arse while they slog away?

You've already told him that you wouldn't have had a baby with him if you'd have known what he was like, and he hasn't changed. That would be a wake up call for most people.

I'd suggest leaving but it sounds like you're not mentally there yet, in the mean time I'd prioritise yourself and your child, unpack your own things, do nothing for him, and see if he would do counselling with you or something. Eventually the resentment will kill this relationship

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 22/06/2021 20:50

This is why the mother of his 1st child left him.

When you (hopefully) leave him too, he'll get another woman pregnant and treat her the same way.

A good man worships the mother of his children, especially when she's pregnant and makes her life as easy as possible.
Pregnancy is a huge amount of work, and he can't even be bothered to cook you a bit of food or lift a few boxes.

If this is him on his best behaviour, I'd hate to see him at his worst.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/06/2021 20:55

He’s a dick. He’s not a good dad or a kind person. He’s a lazy, entitled arse.

Livandme · 22/06/2021 20:57

@Bagelsandbrie

He’s a dick. He’s not a good dad or a kind person. He’s a lazy, entitled arse.
This
Melitza · 22/06/2021 20:58

Well if he's watching the England match you won't move him.
I would hide his golf clubs until the jobs are done.

Echobelly · 22/06/2021 21:01

My DH did do more than nothing but not really enough when the kids were little and I wish I had asked a bit more of him, but I lacked the confidence because I was too worried about seeming 'naggy'. I think the way guys are socialised, a lot of them are just used to seeing women bustling away around them without thinking to ask if they can help - they, I dunno, assume women just do a lot because we have boundless energy while they are 'tired out' and they've always seen men allowed to just do that. I only really realised this once the kids were older and I needed much less help with them after work!

This cartoon on the 'mental load' could be a good discussion point to show him why you need him to be proactive. You can, if you want, be clear this is not 'aimed at him', as it says, it's a lot of guys in general: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I discussed it with my DH and initially he was a bit dismissive and a little angry, but then he understood after thinking about it some more.

When the kids were younger, I wish I had said to DH 'When you come in from work, I need you to ask what I need help with before you crash out as there's a lot to do in the evening' and I'm sure he would have if I'd asked, but I think sometimes there are just these 'bloke blinkers' where they don't clock the effort women put in, even when they're well intentioned.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2021 21:02

You love him? Really? What's to love? He's a shit father who doesn't give a fuck about you or anything else except himself. Do you not fully comprehend how bad it is that he didn't even bother to make you anything to eat? Honestly, it's unbelievable.

This is why the mother of his 1st child left him.

Exactly, and if you have any sense you will avoid wasting even more of your life on him and leave now.

lfYouSaySo · 22/06/2021 21:03

Stop referring to it as "helping" you. That suggests that it is your responsibility and he would be doing you a favour which isn't true. You need to change that mindset before the baby arrives otherwise you'll be upset that he doesn't "help" there either.
The house and the baby are equally his responsibility and he should feel equally as obliged to put the work in.

Aria999 · 22/06/2021 21:51

You should not have to ask him to contribute (I'm not going to say 'help' as that buys into the myth it is mainly your job, as pp said).

But what does he say if you do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2021 21:56

How is he kind? You’re heavily pregnant with his baby and you’re risking injury by moving heavy boxes, probably hungry and achy, while he lounges around on his lazy selfish arse.

You say you wouldn’t have had a baby with him if you’d known he was like this, but you did know what he was like before as it sounds like he’s always been a dead weight around the house.

So you know he’s not going to change. Because he thinks you’re there to make his life easier and he doesn’t have to lift a finger. That’s basic contempt, not kindness.

You deserve a lot better but you won’t get it from him.

BornIn78 · 22/06/2021 22:00

I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house, bar doing the dishwasher/emptying the bins

But you thought that might magically change once you were pregnant?

This is your life now, you either accept it or leave, there is no mystical solution that you don’t know about but we do. Put up or shut up.