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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner just doesn’t help me!

58 replies

MissPS · 22/06/2021 20:10

Hi I’m looking for some advice about what to do. I’ve been with my DP for 4 years and I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house, bar doing the dishwasher/emptying the bins. We’ve both got a child from previous relationships and a baby due in a few weeks. He’s still not pulling his weight though!
He works hard and has two days off a week but he spends these on the golf course, along with some evenings. We’ve recently moved house, got a million jobs to still do before baby arrives but he’s just not helping me. I feel awful even writing this as I really do love him so much, and he’s amazing with the children, as well as being kind in everyday life.
I’ve just reached the end of my tether with being left to lift boxes up the stairs, unpack them, tidy up and do the everyday housework. I’ve started maternity leave but just feel done in. I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this. Any advice would be really welcome. I want to be with him as I love him but can I really carry on my life living like this?! He’s currently sat watching the football whilst I carry things up the stairs, although he has cooked tea for the children and himself - nothing for me though! Help!

OP posts:
Handoverthechocollate · 22/06/2021 22:15

That was a bit harsh @Bornin78. I think the op gets the message. Let's not rub salt in the wound as she is about to have a baby with this guy. She needs to have a serious conversation with him, so he know it's completely unacceptable behaviour. HE is the one who needs to shut UP, step up and start being a proper spouse.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 22:47

How is he kind? You’re heavily pregnant with his baby and you’re risking injury by moving heavy boxes, probably hungry and achy, while he lounges around on his lazy selfish arse.

This. Great dads don't model behaviour to their kids that tells them women are for cooking, cleaning, childcare and often work too while men are for work and whatever else they want to do. That men get the final say in a home and are 'helping' their wife or partner rather than actually just doing their share of household tasks because men and women are equal.

He's letting you lug around boxes when you're heavily pregnant with his child. I don't know any men (or women) in my life who would let a heavily pregnant woman do this and not ask if they could grab the box off them and do it instead. Let alone someone heavily pregnant with their own child!!

He's not kind. He's not nice. He's exceptionally cruel and lazy to watch you do so much especially at this stage in your pregnant.

Unusually, especially lazy and selfish - not even run of the mill arsehole level.

There are so many good men out there who you could have an equal and caring relationship with. Who are actually kind. Actually nice.

Don't waste your romantic life on this wanker just because you share a child. Coparent. He won't pull his weight but at least he won't be being so shit right in front of you.

BornIn78 · 22/06/2021 22:52

Oh come on @handoverthechocollate he hasn’t undergone some change of personality and become a lazy selfish twat in the last 9 months, he’s always been like this.

And now he’s sat on his arse while she’s lugging boxes around and he didn’t even make her any food but made sure he did some for himself.

There’s no reasoning to be done with someone with that level of selfishness.

There’s a million threads like this and we all know how it goes. Sure have a chat, whatever, see if you can make him see that his behaviour is unreasonable, he might step up for a bit until you ‘stop moaning’, but he’ll soon slip back into the way he’s always been, and we’ll see you on here in 6 months time with a small baby, absolutely on your knees knackered, complaining that he still does fuck all.

Rinse and repeat until you eventually do get sick of it and leave him.

TiltTopTable · 22/06/2021 23:00

I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this. but you did know, you said it yourself I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house. He's never going to change so get used to it or kick him out.

Treacletoots · 22/06/2021 23:02

I'm sorry but @bornin78 has it nailed. Men only treat women like this because we tolerate it

Sure, some men do actually turn abusive during pregnancy but the vast majority were useless dicks before you decided to add a baby into the mix, why did you think they'd change?

The only thing you can change is you. By removing yourself from this relationship. Harsh, but realistic.

CallMeNutribullet · 22/06/2021 23:10

He thinks women are there to skivvy after him and he won't change

Guavafish · 23/06/2021 03:13

Can you afford to get a cleaner?

Sparklfairy · 23/06/2021 06:00

@Guavafish

Can you afford to get a cleaner?
Yeah, great. Just get another woman in to compensate for his lazy arse Hmm
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/06/2021 13:31

Look, you've been targeted.

He was looking for a female that he could live with and get all his domestic needs met, care for him and his kid and you stepped up and provided this. Then, to make sure you stayed a bit longer once you began to see what he was really like, he persuaded you to have a baby, so that he could continue to be a lazy bastard for longer.

Where was he living when you met?

Branleuse · 23/06/2021 13:34

its not about "helping you". Hes refusing to do HIS share expecting you do do his chores for him.

SilverRoe · 23/06/2021 13:42

@TiltTopTable

I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this. but you did know, you said it yourself I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house. He's never going to change so get used to it or kick him out.
I’m sorry but this is what I was going to say. He’s always been this way and pregnancy clearly isn’t changing it - but why would it if there were already two kids in your household and he didn’t step up then?

I think you have three options. Accept it and that he will always be selfish and leave you to (literally!) do the heavy lifting for family stuff. Try and change him by a number of methods - explaining your pov, demanding, going ‘on strike’ or any number of ways people advise, or lastly - plan to be a single mother of you prefer to just deal with yourself and your kids rather than also an extra man sized one.

None of those are good options obviously but they are your options. If he won’t even help before the baby comes realistically this is the reality - he’s not going to be that supportive father and husband.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 23/06/2021 13:54

He is not kind, he is a cunt. A child of 12 would not watch a pregnant woman struggle with heavy stuff - not cooking you a meal - what a fucking prince. Look after yourself and your DC and do absolutely nothing for him, then get your ducks in a row and kick his golfing arse to the kerb

Naunet · 23/06/2021 13:57

He’s currently sat watching the football whilst I carry things up the stairs, although he has cooked tea for the children and himself - nothing for me though!

WTF?!! Does he even like you? What did you say about this?

OrchestraOfWankery · 23/06/2021 14:10

@BornIn78

I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house, bar doing the dishwasher/emptying the bins

But you thought that might magically change once you were pregnant?

This is your life now, you either accept it or leave, there is no mystical solution that you don’t know about but we do. Put up or shut up.

Indeed.

Years of thread after thread on these entitled manbrats yet women still continue to breed with them.

RubyGoat · 23/06/2021 14:15

Stop unpacking anything. Whose name is the house in, is it rent or do you/own it? Stop doing anything for him. Prepare to move back out, TBH.

SarahDarah · 23/06/2021 14:24

@Taliskerskye

Just be resigned to it. Nothing else you can do really. It’s never going to change. He doesn’t really care enough
This. You made the choice to continue dating him OP despite seeing his selfish habits.
whoknew23 · 23/06/2021 14:24

What a bloody arse!!

My DH won't let me carry anything, I had a heavy job before maternity leave and he's done everything around the house . I try help out where I can but more often than not I'm told to go sit down and he'll do it .

fallfallfall · 23/06/2021 14:36

So why are you doing so much? Sit down and watch the game? Eat. Your only pushing yourself, reframe, there’s a million things you’d like to be done but there is probably only one or two things that need to be done.
Direct him, once the game is over these are the five things I’d like done. Stop being a martyr.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/06/2021 17:02

If he doesn't want to cook for you then don't do his washing cleaning or ironing. Dont have sex with him either. Its ultimatum time.

Guavafish · 23/06/2021 17:03

Hire a male cleaner if gender bothers you so much!

I think he should pay for the cleaner too.. as he is not maintaining his share of cleaning.

category12 · 23/06/2021 17:13

You might as well be single and get CMS off him when the baby is born as live with him. It would be less work and less frustrating.

gamerchick · 23/06/2021 17:18

Why hasn't he cooked for you OP?

inmyslippers · 23/06/2021 17:21

What does he do that makes him kind and a nice partner?

AgentJohnson · 23/06/2021 17:44

I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this.

But you did know he was going to be like this but you chose to ignore the real him, in favour of some future fantasy that sadly but predictably, hasn’t been realised.

What to do? Start by acknowledging the real him and go from there.

Your preamble about him being a good dad and everyday kindness is at odds with latter description of his behaviour.

Your acceptance

casade13 · 23/06/2021 17:50

Hey - I’m in a similar situation but not as pregnant (32 weeks). I’ve tried the talking, getting annoyed about it and nagging! Now I just say I’m going upstairs as don’t feel great/ need a rest and xyz needs sorting! I work a demanding job, am pregnant, have a son, 2 step sons - I’m not stressing myself out and thinking for everyone else!