My partner just doesn’t help me!

[MissPS]

Hi I’m looking for some advice about what to do. I’ve been with my DP for 4 years and I’ve always known he’s a bit useless around the house, bar doing the dishwasher/emptying the bins. We’ve both got a child from previous relationships and a baby due in a few weeks. He’s still not pulling his weight though!
He works hard and has two days off a week but he spends these on the golf course, along with some evenings. We’ve recently moved house, got a million jobs to still do before baby arrives but he’s just not helping me. I feel awful even writing this as I really do love him so much, and he’s amazing with the children, as well as being kind in everyday life.
I’ve just reached the end of my tether with being left to lift boxes up the stairs, unpack them, tidy up and do the everyday housework. I’ve started maternity leave but just feel done in. I’ve told him I would never have had a child with him if I’d known it was going to be like this. Any advice would be really welcome. I want to be with him as I love him but can I really carry on my life living like this?! He’s currently sat watching the football whilst I carry things up the stairs, although he has cooked tea for the children and himself - nothing for me though! Help!

@casade13

Hey - I’m in a similar situation but not as pregnant (32 weeks). I’ve tried the talking, getting annoyed about it and nagging! Now I just say I’m going upstairs as don’t feel great/ need a rest and xyz needs sorting! I work a demanding job, am pregnant, have a son, 2 step sons - I’m not stressing myself out and thinking for everyone else!

How can you bear to be with someone who is so unsupportive? Who presumably will continue to be unsupportive when you have a newborn shortly?

Wouldn't you rather tackle life with your son and new baby without having to live with an utter arsehole who won't help you even when you ask him, when you're in late pregnancy?

I assume he expects you to do the lions share of cooking, cleaning and childcare as well as you working?

Honestly this is awful OP but please don't put up with this lazy inconsiderate behaviour. He's cooked for everyone but you? You're lugging boxes up the stair? You are carrying his child. He sounds so selfish and probably abusive. I mean this in general but it also applies to you - don't put up with it. Women are too soft on these fellas nowadays no wonder they are getting away with so much.

Yet another one of these threads with a lazy entitled manchild. It's always exactly the same:

He does the bins and dishwasher Tick
He's an amazing Dad Tick
He's kind in everyday life Tick
He works hard Tick
On his days off he has a time-consuming hobby Tick
He's always been like this Tick

Why oh why do women choose to have children with lazy fuckers like this? They are not going to change in any way at all because a baby comes along.

I'd just stop doing anything for him at all. No washing of his clothes, no cooking for him, no cleaning of any areas of the house which are mainly used by him, no lugging of boxes and stuff - just leave them.

He won’t change. You need to decide whether this is the life you want. He’s certainly not kind or loving. He’s not a great dad. He’s a terrible role model to the children. Personally, I couldn’t live like that but to each their own.

I had this. It won’t get any better. That’s it. If he won’t help and support you now, when you are pregnant and vulnerable and in need of support, he won’t change. There is no incentive for him to help you in the drudgery of doing the household duties as this would eat into his rest and recreation time.

I’ve been there, done that, and got the postcard. I couldn’t l put up with it, and resentment grew and festered and I was exhausted and broken by having to pick up near 100% of our home life. In the end I left.

Is this good enough for you? Do you want your children growing up and thinking it’s ok?

I'm sorry OP, but the reason why he's like this is because it's worked for him, so far, hasn't it? I mean it's worked so well that you've decided to stay with him for years and have even have a child with him. He has no real incentive to change, and many partners won't change until you are half way out of the door and often by then it's too late. If he wanted to help, he would have by now.

I'm not sure if he thinks of you as an unit the same way as you do. He's out of the house most weekends - that sounds very much like a man who thought nothing would change when he became a Dad. When he prepares meals without you, it's not necessarily because of some animosity - it's probably because he thinks of himself first and there's not much headspace for anyone else. How exactly do you intend on spending time as a family when he's out weekends? It doesn't sound to me like he has any intention to change that.

He's not useless around the house OP. In framing him in this way you infantalise him and become his quasi-mother. A lot of men, most men actually, as pretty fucking competent. It's just when they see a woman they think 'Great - she'll do all of that now'. Their well meaning wives frame their husbands as uselss at this or that, fuss around them, not realising the damage they do to themselves. I mean, it's ridiculous, don't you think? How were the bins emptied before you came along?? Unless he lived in total squalor, he probably did it when he lived alone, and once he had a wife, she magically stepped in and did it for him because he saw it as an opportunity to put his feet up. Women are often manovered into this position without realising what's going on. They, like you, think their husbands are useless around the house, because framing it that was is more palatable than thinking the person you love is being lazy or taking you for a ride. It sort of gives women a false sense of authority too, to call someone useless - whereas actually it is they who are in a subordinate position.

However, I'm also going to try to take a different view of this - has he told/asked you to take it easy? Has he said something like 'Look, I know you want the house just right, but please try to relax'? Has there been any input at all like that from him? What are these million jobs you've got to do, exactly? Have you ever allocated tasks for you both to do and agreed on them? Is he generally forgetful (which means it might take longer for a new pattern to set in)?

When you said he's amazing with children.......well you know, children's entertainers are amazing with children, but it doesn't mean they make good parents. What have you seen (except him playing, being a Disney Dad, and doing very basic parenting tasks) that makes you think he's 'amazing' with children?

because framing it like that is more palatable*

@MissPS

He's an ignorant, selfish, self absorbed prick, who is perfectly happy to leave his heavily pregnant partner to carry heavy boxes up stairs, unpack and organize everything, while he cooks for himself and DC's only !!!!

You don't need help, you need a PARTNER !!

Get him to read this, and see what 'excuses' he has for NOT stepping up and being a MAN (instead of a spoiled bloody child/brat).......

Why I Don't Help My Wife
Recently, I invited a friend over. Sipping coffee in my living room, the conversation turned from movies and sports to life. We are both about the same age, and both have been married for about the same amount of time. As we talked, I heard the loud clamoring of the dishwasher stop as it finished its final cycle. Excusing myself, I told my friend I must put away the dishes.My friend shot me a glance: a shock of disbelief, almost defensive in posture. He told me that it's great that I help out my wife, but that he doesn't bother. “Every time I do chores,” he said, “she doesn't have an ounce of gratitude. If she's not gonna thank me for helping her out, why should I even bother?” This startled me. I'm normally not a confrontational kind of guy. I don't like to talk about politics, and I usually keep my comments to myself. But this was too much. I couldn't contain myself.“Look man, I said, I'm not 'helping her out. My wife doesn't need 'help.' She needs a partner. The two of us are a team.” He started to reply, trying to explain what he meant by the comment, but I stopped him, continuing:I don't “help” my wife clean the house. We keep our house clean because we both live here and want the house to be clean. I clean the house because it's where I live, and my wife isn't a maid, but a partner.I don't “help” my wife cook because it's not her job to cook and my job to eat. We both live here, we both need to eat, and in order for us to eat, the cooking needs to be done.I don't “help” my wife do the dishes because they're my dishes, too. I eat off them, just like her, and it's in both of our interests to have them be cleaned.I don't “help” my wife with her children because they're my children, too. They need a mother and they need a father, and raising them is both of our jobs.I don't “help” my wife clean, fold clothes, do laundry, or any other chores because they aren't only “hers,” but mine.I'm not only a “help,” a hired hand that helps my wife out on occasion in exchange for a “thank you,” a kiss, or sex. I am a part of the house.Then, I turned back to my friend, his face tense with embarrassment. I was now in my full preacher mode, and it was time to charge my audience with conviction. I asked him “do you thank your wife every time she cleans the house?” He clamored to defend himself, but I continued: “I'm not talking about a half-baked “thanks” that you mutter from across the room, but actually looking her in her eye and saying that you appreciate that she worked all day to help you take care of your home!” “Do you look her in the eye and tell her she's fantastic, beautiful, the best thing that ever happened to you and that she means the world to you?” “Do you tell her how much you love that she keeps your house clean?”You should not “help” your wife with the chores in exchange for some kind of prize. What prize does she get for helping you out? You need to get out of this “Leave it to Beaver” mentality, step out of TV Land, and step up and be a real husband.My friend stood speechless, flabbergasted, fumbling to find an excuse. I shrunk in slight embarrassment for a moment, even though I knew it had to be said.I spoke again to break the silence: “I'm just saying man, your wife doesn't owe you anything. She's not your “help,” and you should treat her like an equal partner.”Many of us were raised in home with mothers who waited on us hand in foot. We took their help for granted, because they had to raise us and take care of us. But your wife is not your mother. She's not raising you, and you're not a child. Marriage is an equal partnership. Your wife is not your mother, and she's not there to take care of you.You are there to take care of each other, to have a house together, raise children together, and form an equal partnership. That means each of you carrying your share of the load, and thanking each other for help. Macho culture would make you think that everything is your wife's job, but there's nothing macho about this. It's the behavior of a child who needs to be taken care of, not an adult who can provide in a partnership.Imagine a child who constantly demands help from his mother, constantly makes messes, and never thanks her for anything. That's basically how you act towards your wife. That might be acceptable for a young infant, but not for an adult. So thank your wife for what she does, and make sure that you carry an equal share of the load, helping her in any way possible.When you make a mess, you shouldn't expect your wife to clean it up. It's your job to clean up your own messes. You both live there, you're not “helping” her with anything because it's your home.Likewise, it's not her job to constantly cook. In my home, I always do the cooking, because I'm good at it.These “traditional” roles were sold to us by fictional television. They say nothing about the reality of marriage. If you step all over your wife like Homer Simpson, you are on a one-way street to a divorce.So to everyone out there who is concerned about their own masculinity, if you want to be a macho man, stop acting like a child and making your wife do all the work and chores. Thank her, and do your part to contribute.

It's actually tedious how many times I have posted this to help women see what should be happening in a partnership/marriage.