Would you be hurt by this, or am I being over sensitive?

[lavenderandwisteria]

I probably should name change, but here goes.

DP is working from home and has been for over a year now. Because of this I do feel pressured to be out and about during the day with baby ds.

Today one of ds classes had been cancelled, so while he had a nap I was watching a TV show. DP asked if I was going out. I could be being a bit over sensitive but it did feel a bit like I was being hinted at quite heavily. I did try to take ds out in the pram when he woke up but it was raining quite heavily.

At around 6 ds was getting restless so I asked dp if he was planning on going to the supermarket. He said he ‘could’, and took ds. This was for about 45 minutes. I then did ds bath and bed, while dp went back to work on his laptop. He’s still there now.

I understand he’s busy but its really hurtful, is it too much to expect a quick ‘I’m really sorry, there’s loads on at the moment, I’ll make it up to you’?

I get you OP. My DH can be a bit like this, I sometimes have to remind him to communicate with me and it drives me bonkers. His issue (as I see it) is that he can only focus on one thing so when in work mode, he focusses on that. When in family mode, he focusses on that.. He can't seem to chat when in the middle of stuff whereby I can and do. I'm a SAHM and many a time I've felt like a domestic slave too and it has definitely affected my confidence. As others have said I think its a good idea to discuss this with him. I often tell my DH to stop talking, that's me being sarcastic that he needs to get back into communication mode with me. It breaks the silence, the ice and my frustration about his ability to communicate more but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to it being a bloody annoying trait.

That’s actually very perspective fluffy and I think you may well be onto something there.

As I’ve said I don’t think he expects me to be out of the house but I do feel like what should be a family home has become an office which is sad.

I also misunderstood your original post, I expect your DH also hasn’t got a clue that you are upset or why, Particularly if you bottle it up and then release venum. Get a good night sleep (well as good as baby allows) and try to chat to him when you are calmer to explain your expectations. I think you sound tired and overwhelmed but also a bit too on the edge tonight to discuss it further. Communication is a two way street, you need to say what you’re thinking, not get upset when he doesn’t read your mind.

I'm so confused here!!

I actually agree with your original point. It's a bit rude to keep working past his normal finish time without asking if you mind continuing to solo parent your joint DC.

However, I'm firstly confused at what any PPs have said to make you feel ugly and lower your self esteem? 🤯

I mean this in a nice way but it genuinely seems like you should seek some help for your low mood & low self esteem. And talk to your DP, I agree he's being rude but he's a man so prob hasn't thought and he's not a mindreader

I want to add OP that you do sound stressed and upset in your post. I genuinely hope you are ok. I wasn't and recognise some of the upset in your post. Felt incredibly low after having both kids, mainly because I felt pretty useless being a SAHM (after having a senior role that I was pretty good at). DH's ability to try and connect with me during those low periods resulted in alot of rage towards him which we are still unpicking now. Not wishing to take over your post but just wanted to tell you my experience in case you can relate and it helps you. In hindsight I was depressed but just didn't allow myself to recognise it. Hope you are ok

This sound rubbish. I wouldn't be going out all the time though just so he can work at home. It's your home!

OP,
You have my full sympathy.
This whole working from home is an absolute disaster for so many people.

Not everyone lives in a large spacious house with a couple of spare rooms for office space.

You are on Mat leave and are being made to feel guilty for being in your home and being forced out with a baby.

I wonder how your husband would feel if you ask him on Saturday and sunday to leave the house for hours both days to give you the house?

I appreciate he is working but this is a simply huge imposition in your home as it is for many people.

So after a long day with the baby, he has to work late and hasn't the basic courtesy to let you know that he will not be clocking off but will in fact be on duty for the entire evening as well.

I don't blame you feeling pissed off.

So he has had control of the house all day or his employer has and you have to leave and just manage it all.

I think the imposition is huge and I think a lot of employers are complete CF's thinking it can continue.

My friend is in recruitment and she said she believes this is going to be a huge issue on both sides.

Some people desperately wantingbto remain at home but others, wanting to return to the office.

Offices cost money, some companies will be happy to save the considerable cost.

OP, I think you are understandable finding the days long and hard.

You need to speak to your husband and you definitely need to spell it out how hard it is HAVING to leave your home with a baby every day.
Him THEN working late is too much.

He needs to experience HAVING to leave the house for hours to see what its like.

OP have you been able to have a chat with your partner? I have discovered that even the most basic behaviours that would come naturally to me, really don't occur to other people. They're different, they think differently. Everyone is different. They probably think the same of me!
It is no good assuming he knows how you feel or what he ought to do. But you can certainly explain why you're feeling upset. And it sounds like you need a break from time to time - he needs to know this.

I don't think you're PA or martyrish.

It's not too much to expect for your DH to interact with you every now and again. When he's at the office does he ignore all his colleagues? I doubt it.

Some of the posters here seem determined to tear you down. MN isn't always a forgiving place when you're feeling vulnerable.

In my old job I worked 3 days a week (mon-weds) and all of those days I was WFH. My DP worked 7am-4pm as a lorry driver whilst I worked 8-5:30. Sometimes I would be working late but I would always call down to him to let him know, and I would NEVER work past 6:30 as it impacted DS bedtime and dinner.
I think you just need to ask him to communicate more if he is planning on working late. But I do agree with others that if he has upset you then you need to tell him. I personally wouldn’t be upset with what you have described, but that’s just me. If you’re upset, talk to him.

I was pretty upset about it last night but it’s okay really. Wfh is always going to be a bit tricky. I’m struggling with my maternity leave coming to an end - I’m starting back two days a week as from next week - and I don’t want us to be in a situation where home is actually dps office. But still. Something and nothing in the scheme of things. I do object to the ‘poor lonely OP wanting a man to keep her company’ narrative being pushed by some though. To me it was just about having enough respect for me to communicate but I think fluffys analysis was correct.