Would you be hurt by this, or am I being over sensitive?

[lavenderandwisteria]

I probably should name change, but here goes.

DP is working from home and has been for over a year now. Because of this I do feel pressured to be out and about during the day with baby ds.

Today one of ds classes had been cancelled, so while he had a nap I was watching a TV show. DP asked if I was going out. I could be being a bit over sensitive but it did feel a bit like I was being hinted at quite heavily. I did try to take ds out in the pram when he woke up but it was raining quite heavily.

At around 6 ds was getting restless so I asked dp if he was planning on going to the supermarket. He said he ‘could’, and took ds. This was for about 45 minutes. I then did ds bath and bed, while dp went back to work on his laptop. He’s still there now.

I understand he’s busy but its really hurtful, is it too much to expect a quick ‘I’m really sorry, there’s loads on at the moment, I’ll make it up to you’?

Your post is very PA and doesn't really explain the issue well. Talk to your DH about how you are feeling.

And when I am back at work I guess it’s reasonable for me to work all day and then all evening too, right?
Depends on your job.

You've clearly got a whole background to this scenario that you haven't explained.

@lavenderandwisteria

I don’t mean to sound short, but I can’t make it any clearer than being upset at the fact I and ds have been ignored all day apart from one ‘when are you going out’ question.

I don’t mind him working, but I think it’s reasonable to communicate with me about this.

I can’t make it clearer than this. I can only think everyone thinks it’s totally reasonable to not speak to your partner at all all evening, not even to say sorry you have to work!

No, there isn’t a background at all. I am obviously expecting too much. I don’t mean that PA either, everyone is so incredulous that it’s obviously me who is unreasonable!

Have you spoken to him?

Or are you PA martyring yourself?

@lavenderandwisteria

No I’m not lonely, I just feel like a slave, but obviously I’m just a lonely sad woman.

I was actually trying to be nice. I recently returned back to work from mat leave and could understand your feelings.

You come across as wanting company or chat. However your responses on here are very rude. I wanted to see if I could help but for some reason you are being really passive ag.

Please stop being so unpleasant. I have conceded I’m unreasonable. As I’ve repeatedly said we haven’t spoken all day apart from him asking when I’m going out.

I’m really not being PA.

You're not coming across well online. If this is how you are IRL I can imagine some communication difficulties.

Mat leave is a lonely place. Particularly now when not all groups are running and it's hard to meet other parents. Do you have a support network?

OP I've noticed MN often seems to be populated by women in the most awful relationships who can't understand your reasonable question because the amount of attention you're getting is already so much more than they're used to. They often respond in a snarky fashion as some of the above. IMO.

I understand your question and no, yanbu to expect your life partner and father of your child to interact with you a little bit more than a couple of sentences all day.

You're not sure whether he's annoyed with you for not taking your child out in the pissing rain, and your confusion over why he thinks he can be annoyed about that is making you doubt yourself.

I think the answer lies in how your relationship normally is. If this is atypical then give him the benefit of the doubt but maybe while snuggling him in bed tonight tell him you missed him and you'd appreciate a couple of minutes of attention every other hour, especially an explanation and an ETA when he's working late.

If however this is not an isolated incident and you're worried he's beginning to see you as the nanny then you need to ensure he doesn't slip into complacency and stop seeing and treating you as a wife and equal. Only you know whether that's a losing battle or not.

If it's looking hopeless, ltb sooner rather than later. It won't be any easier in a year or five.

Yes no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to this piece of shit really

OP, you’re coming across PA and martyrish.

I wouldn’t be impressed with my DH working all the hours and not speaking to me apart from asking if I was going out. Then again I wouldn’t sit back and suck it up and suffer in silence. I would communicate with him and resolve the issue instead of pouting / sulking over it - which is how you sound..

Thanks map

The thing is if I had work to do in the evening I would say so. It doesn’t have to be a huge drama. Just ‘I’m sorry, I’m snowed under. Are you okay with everything?’ It wouldn’t occur to me to let DP deal single handedly with a shouting, grumpy baby.

@Cockenspiel

OP, you’re coming across PA and martyrish.

I wouldn’t be impressed with my DH working all the hours and not speaking to me apart from asking if I was going out. Then again I wouldn’t sit back and suck it up and suffer in silence. I would communicate with him and resolve the issue instead of pouting / sulking over it - which is how you sound..

Yes we’ve established I am a PA bitch. I’m also ugly so I don’t blame him really. What else would you like to know? I couldn’t breastfeed out baby so I’m a bit shit at motherhood too. Anything else?

Oh and I’m overweight

@lavenderandwisteria

I probably should name change, but here goes.

DP is working from home and has been for over a year now. Because of this I do feel pressured to be out and about during the day with baby ds.

Today one of ds classes had been cancelled, so while he had a nap I was watching a TV show. DP asked if I was going out. I could be being a bit over sensitive but it did feel a bit like I was being hinted at quite heavily. I did try to take ds out in the pram when he woke up but it was raining quite heavily.

At around 6 ds was getting restless so I asked dp if he was planning on going to the supermarket. He said he ‘could’, and took ds. This was for about 45 minutes. I then did ds bath and bed, while dp went back to work on his laptop. He’s still there now.

I understand he’s busy but its really hurtful, is it too much to expect a quick ‘I’m really sorry, there’s loads on at the moment, I’ll make it up to you’?

I would just communicate how you feel and see what he says, there's no other way.

no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to this piece of shit really

You're reading more and more like you're really struggling. Is this an isolated incident or a behaviour pattern?

Have you spoken to a health professional about how you are feeling?

No.

Going by the way you are responding on here, I can conclude you’re are too sensitive in general.

Not everything is a personal attack OP. Your personality seems very unpleasant and ‘woe me’.

@lavenderandwisteria

I think if you feel this way (based on your subsequent posts rather than specifically your original one really) it could be helpful for you to have a chat with your doctor. You're feeling incredibly personally attacked by people who don't know you and who can only go by what you say, then share their reading of the situation. Which may be bang on or absolute bollocks - so no point taking so personally.

But you've been very sarcastic and PA with people and while I know you'll probably say something sarcy or PA back, feeling so defensive and quick to assume people are thinking the worst of you means you might need some additional support at the moment mental health wise. I would have reacted just like you before I had some support whereas now I can see how unproductive and disproportionate the reactions are.

Hope some of that made sense! You sound down on yourself, sad and in need of validation and emotional awareness of your husband - all of those things you should be able to speak to your husband about without worrying about his response. Is he not very receptive to chats about emotions etc?

What the hell? Nobody has come anywhere near calling you any of the insults you just hurled out and accused people of leveling at you. Not even close.

The only unpleasant behaviour on this thread is coming from you. People are trying to help and understand; in response you've kicked off, been rude and aggressive.

If you have a midwife or HV appointment coming up, I'd recommend speaking to them about how you are feeling. You are clearly having negative thoughts about yourself, possibly linked to PND.

I haven’t ‘kicked off’ at all, but it’s unbelievably tiresome having to say over and over ‘look, this is the issue, this is why I am upset.’

Being ignored is worse than being confronted in some ways. If he’d started an argument with me that would obviously be horrible and I am not saying I want that at all. However, when you are just ignored - when he can just do exactly what he wants, when he wants, because someone else will feed, and bath the baby and get him to bed, that suggests indifference, which in a way is more hurtful than anything.

And that does make me feel ugly, and horrible, and unpleasant (thanks to whoever said that, did my already zero self esteem the world of good!)

But I have conceded I’m unreasonable, but in doing so I am apparently being PA. I’m not sure what I can say here that is ‘right’, to be honest.

To answer your question, yes I'd be annoyed in your situation but it'd never happen as I'd have raised it instead of ruminating all day/night. You've bottled it up all day instead of just saying something.

Just communicate with him

What happens if you ask him to help?

Is this his standard behaviour? Or a one off?

It's really difficult to judge here who is being unreasonable. The more you post about your feelings, the less rational you appear.

Having a baby is tough. Lack of sleep can contribute to overwhelming and intrusive thoughts.