Would you be hurt by this, or am I being over sensitive?

[lavenderandwisteria]

I probably should name change, but here goes.

DP is working from home and has been for over a year now. Because of this I do feel pressured to be out and about during the day with baby ds.

Today one of ds classes had been cancelled, so while he had a nap I was watching a TV show. DP asked if I was going out. I could be being a bit over sensitive but it did feel a bit like I was being hinted at quite heavily. I did try to take ds out in the pram when he woke up but it was raining quite heavily.

At around 6 ds was getting restless so I asked dp if he was planning on going to the supermarket. He said he ‘could’, and took ds. This was for about 45 minutes. I then did ds bath and bed, while dp went back to work on his laptop. He’s still there now.

I understand he’s busy but its really hurtful, is it too much to expect a quick ‘I’m really sorry, there’s loads on at the moment, I’ll make it up to you’?

You are being a big reasonable if your partner is usually engaged, friendly etc but today has been a one off where he's been dismissive.

If this is the norm, not speaking for 12+ hours a day then it wouldn't be for me personally. Or a lot of people I know.

That's my answer to your original post. I was trying to be constructive and ask some more questions in my last one but you seem determined to think everyone is having a go at you. I wasn't.

You need to talk to your partner. And if you can't have an open and honest chat with him about how you're feeling, it's not a sustainable relationship IMO.

It’s not that simple though tct

He’s obviously at work during the day so I can’t just walk in when he’s in a meeting or a call.

Then I was dealing with a fractious, shouting, angry baby.

Now he is in bed, so I could raise it now, but I’m tired and to be honest cross so I don’t think it’s a good time. It’s very easy to say ‘I would do this. Less easy when you have sole responsibility for a baby while someone is working. And in any case I’m not saying I have a problem with him working but it’s the fact that I’m not even worth mentioning this to.

To put it another way, if I was at work and normally finish at 430 but decide to stay there until 730, would DP not be justified in being upset and annoyed I didn’t contact him? Okay it’s not quite the same comparison, I understand that, but it’s along those lines.

When someone says how irrational I appear, I start to feel irrational, namechanged

You’re really not helping me. Just making me hate myself.

Where in the house does he work? Does he have an office or is he taking over the living room/kitchen? If he's taking up the main living space, he needs to set up a desk space in a bedroom or something instead.

It shouldn't be the case that you need to go out for him to work comfortably.

If the set-up of your house makes it completely impossible for him to have a separate office space, he needs to go back to the office at least some of the week. Or work from a cafe or library or some other space, some of the time.

It's not on that you feel you can't be in your own home.

Suggest that he works from somewhere else on alternate days or he works elsewhere in the mornings and you go out afternoons or something.

He should go into his "office" work-mode for normal working hours and finish at a normal time - is he getting paid for working on into the evenings? If he's not able to cope with his workload in his set hours, there's something wrong.

I'm trying to help you.

Regardless of your DH behaviour today, your thoughts are very negative about yourself. Whether or not you keep DH, you need to sort your mental health. He may be a huge contributing factor, we cannot judge on one issue.

@lavenderandwisteria

Yes no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to this piece of shit really

Please don't talk about yourself this way. I totally get it. I would also like to at least have DH check in with me at some point especially if he planned on working all evening.

OP I get you, I don’t have the solution but just wanted to say I don’t think you are being what you have been accused of on here.

Another night this could have gone a completely different way, mumsnet can be so strange sometimes.

Hope you are ok and that tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you.

I am asking for so little. That’s what hurts.

I didn't actually understand your post at first OP as I thought the problem was that he'd asked if you were going out (as in, can you get out from under my feet or whatever). But the problem is the fact that's all he's said to you all day, is that right?

If it is then no, yanbu to expect more in terms of communication. Even if he was in the office then I'd expect more than that. Fact is, he isn't and presumably he's breaking off to at least get food/use the bathroom. Like you said, it takes seconds to check in but makes you feel "thought of".

This is/will turn into a bit if a pile on but I would also agree with pp that you're not being very kind to yourself on here- do cut yourself some slack, and speak to someone if this is the tip of the iceberg

@lavenderandwisteria I understand completely where you are coming from! I had baby seven months ago husband also working from home! It’s HARD! He’s here but he’s not really here to help me and feel the pressure to keep baby busy/quiet for him to work. I’d also be annoyed if he was working at this time especially if he ignored me and didn’t tell me! It’s hard having baby all day and like you say he can do what he wants when he wants because we are here already with baby! I don’t really have any advice other than try and talk to him tell him how you feel I have and had a good cry that I just feel alone and like I’ve sacrificed everything and his life hasn’t really changed but I just wanted to let you know that I understand and I don’t thing you are being unreasonable at all!

Maybe you should ask for a whole bunch more.

He sounds like he's being pretty selfish to be honest.

I am asking for so little. That’s what hurts.

I mean this kindly, but you haven't asked him for anything. You have expectations in your head that he doesn't know and hasn't "achieved". Babies change things. It didn't matter if he worked all evening with no warning before. It does now, but he doesn't understand that yet. Talk to him about how you are feeling. If he cares he will want to understand and help.

@lavenderandwisteria

Thank you.

I am asking for so little. That’s what hurts.

Yes like you're an afterthought. I get it. Maybe if it happens again you could text him so you wouldn't be walking in in the middle of a meeting or anything and ask him to pop down when he has a second, or similar.

Is baby asleep now? Could you relax for a while, maybe have a nice treat/bath?

Whatever else you are being namechanged you’re not being kind. At all.

Thanks for the gentler tone of some of these replies. I’ll just go to sleep, baby will be up soon.

I think he’s being unreasonable for expecting you to be out of the house all day when you’re on mat leave. It’s your home and not being able to feel like you can relax there, especially when you’re looking after a baby, really really sucks.

And yeh I would also be upset at being ignored and not talked to/ treated like a slave. So YANBU. I don’t really have any useful advice though, sorry.

To be fair I don’t think that’s how he meant it, but it did come across that way: it feels as if I am working in his office and am at best an afterthought and at worst an inconvenience/ nuisance.

Try to have a chat with him in the morning and try to sort out something fairer about the practicalities of him WFH, and about him managing his time better and engaging with you & the baby.

It might also be worth speaking to your GP or HV about possible PND. This is not to say that how you're feeling isn't valid, btw, it just might be a factor as well.

I'm really trying to be kind. If you were a friend in this situation, I'd advise them to seek mental health support. You can't make any life changing decisions in the state you are in now.

Being an afterthought isn't nice. Feeling like an inconvenience in your own home is awful. Talk to him, if you carry on bottling things up it will get worse.

@category12

Try to have a chat with him in the morning and try to sort out something fairer about the practicalities of him WFH, and about him managing his time better and engaging with you & the baby.

It might also be worth speaking to your GP or HV about possible PND. This is not to say that how you're feeling isn't valid, btw, it just might be a factor as well.

Just wanted to echo this post

@lavenderandwisteria

I haven’t ‘kicked off’ at all, but it’s unbelievably tiresome having to say over and over ‘look, this is the issue, this is why I am upset.’

Being ignored is worse than being confronted in some ways. If he’d started an argument with me that would obviously be horrible and I am not saying I want that at all. However, when you are just ignored - when he can just do exactly what he wants, when he wants, because someone else will feed, and bath the baby and get him to bed, that suggests indifference, which in a way is more hurtful than anything.

And that does make me feel ugly, and horrible, and unpleasant (thanks to whoever said that, did my already zero self esteem the world of good!)

But I have conceded I’m unreasonable, but in doing so I am apparently being PA. I’m not sure what I can say here that is ‘right’, to be honest.

Op this post has made me rather worried for you, I don't see anywhere that pp have done anything to make you feel ugly, and horrible, and unpleasant (thanks to whoever said that, did my already zero self esteem the world of good!)

When do you see your hv next?

Oh for goodness sake.

The problem with WFH is that the place you live becomes your place of work and there is no way to shut off.

I think he is unreasonable expecting you to be out of the house all day. Other people manage without evicting their families.

The difficulty is that he seems to be in the work zone today and it probably hasn't entered his head that he needs to communicate with you.

I think a chat about work space and time is called for and then you can plan ahead.

Does he respond if you talk to him? How is he with you if you were to strike up conversation like when he's come down for food?

I think your husband is working very long hours ans you are being unreasonable but it does sound like maybe you have PND or something? It's not really normal to be upset to this extent about this or to be stewing on it and not just say something to him. Why does that make you feel fat and ugly. I think you have low self esteem and are blowing this out of proportion. I really think you should talk to someone

Anyhooo, you're not unreasonable in feeling the way you do, and I hope things go better tomorrow.