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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving dp but starting to think I should stay

58 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 21/06/2021 11:00

I have posted a number of times over the years about my relationship with my partner. He has been physically and emotionally abusive over the years but I am not blameless either. I have lashed out at him when I have felt threatened and I am very ashamed by that.

I have been placed on the strategic list for urgent housing so shouldn't have too long to wait. We have 2 dcs together aged 17 and 14. My 14 yo ds is currently being assessed for autism with the high likelihood that he will receive a diagnosis. He also suffers from severe anxiety, school refusal, social communication problems etc. I haven't told him we are separating as I want to make sure that everything is in place first.

But, I'm starting to think that I should just stay. My partner has violent outbursts when we have an arguement, not every time but at least once a month. He has punched/kicked walls, thrown things, threatened to punch me, admits that he likes to wind me up and messes with my head. His latest was to hold a lighter to the bottom of my cardigan and when I asked him what he was doing he said (I'm setting you alight) he did this in front of my 17 year old dd! He later said there was no flame in the lighter and that he was trying to burn a loose thread from my cardigan. We had had an arguement a short while before the incident.

I think that because things are calm atm that maybe I'm just overreacting.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 21/06/2021 11:01

You're not.
Being between acts of abuse does not mean things are ok.
Your sons would benefit hugely from not being held in an abusive home.

Twilow · 21/06/2021 11:04

If you stay you could end up dead. Things are calm but you KNOW there will a next time.

Well done for getting you and your kids out of there.

Umberellatheweatha · 21/06/2021 11:08

No. Leave. The faster the better.
And be very careful in the mean time.

Even if things are calm atm, even if it were remotely possible he suddenly became a complete angel, why the fuck would you stay with someone who has abused you? He hates you. I couldn't sleep under the sane roof as someone who hates me. Let alone a dangerous person. Because make no mistake, he is dangerous.

And even if there was not abuse, you are still miserable there. Do you want to stay miserable forever? Dont you think the world can offer you so much more? Freedom for a start!

You also really need to show your daughter that she should not stay with a man like this. You're her role model. How would you feel if her partner treated her like this and you ask her why she stayed and she said that you did so she thought this shit was normal.

Go.

bluejelly · 21/06/2021 11:09

Please leave OP. He is deranged and dangerous. Life will be sooooo much better without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2021 11:09

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

You are overreacting because things are calm at present. You are also trauma bonded.

You have never been to blame for his abuses of you even though he likely told you that you set him off; that is all on him.

There is NO reason at all to stay with this man; he will end up putting you in either a hospital or a morgue. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you is a continuous one and he enjoys your discomfort. Infact he has stated as much directly to you.

Toddlerteaplease · 21/06/2021 11:11

Get out as soon as possible. Your life may depend on it.

FizzyPink · 21/06/2021 11:15

From what you’ve written there, I can’t see a single reason why you shouldn’t leave straight away

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/06/2021 11:37

You're just experiencing the calm before the abusers storm, its building up, and the longer the calm the worse the storm. Also known as the cycle of abuse. Get out as soon as you can.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 21/06/2021 17:46

I know I need to go but I can't stop thinking that I'm partly to blame. I have awful health anxiety and periods of depression, I do nag at him and sometimes keep an argument going. Maybe I've made him like that. He's told me that he doesn't get that angry with other people.

OP posts:
Twilow · 21/06/2021 18:00

Yes, because he's abusive! If he did wouldn't hold down a job etc.

You KNOW you need to get out.

FlowerArranger · 21/06/2021 18:03

Maybe I've made him like that

No, you haven't!

LEAVE

CatalinaCasesolver · 21/06/2021 18:05

Please leave, it's not you, it's him, he's an abusive dangerous arsehole.

Of course you're not perfect, but no one is. You've also been in an abusive environment for a long long time.

Leave.

Umberellatheweatha · 21/06/2021 18:09

OP if that was actually the case then you would be doing him a favour to leave. People in your life are supposed to bring out what is good in you.

But no, you do not make him abusive. There is no excuse for abuse anyway. As pp said, he abuses you because if he did it to a man he would get beaten up and if he did it to his boss he would get fired and if he did it to his friends they would see what an asshole he really is. He can control it. He just chooses to abuse you because you are his victim.

Abuse aside, as I said before, why would you stay with someone who you are not happy with? People leave relationships because they are just a bit 'meh'. And 'meh' isnt good enough. But this guy is a full on asshole to you and makes your life miserable. Fuck that shit. Get out of there!

Orgasmagorical · 21/06/2021 18:10

Maybe I've made him like that

No, you haven't.

He's told me that he doesn't get that angry with other people

He wouldn't get away with it with other people so he saves his anger for you.

You are in no way to blame - he is choosing to abuse you, in front of your children. He has already told you he doesn't do it with other people, therefore it's his choice to abuse you.

No matter how you behave with him or what you do, he will find a 'reason' (in his eyes) to abuse you so you are in no way to blame. Can you see that?

Things may be calm just now but it's not going to last, is it? You absolutely should not stay, you and your children are at risk from this 'man'.

Flowers
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/06/2021 18:11

This is all on him, you are in no way to blame for his abuses of you. Abuse is all about power and control and he wants absolute here over you and any children unfortunate enough to be witness to all this.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 21/06/2021 18:11

I don't think he means to be abusive as in I don't think he plans it. He just gets angry very easily.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/06/2021 18:14

OK let's assume for your sake that you are equally to blame.

In that case you two are very bad for each other. You moan about things and he sets you on fire.

Now can you see that his reaction is slightly more over the top than yours?

All of you would be better off not living with him. If it makes you feel better, then maybe he'd be better off not living with you, though no doubt he'll soon find someone else to set fire to.

Leave. Keep yourself and your children safe.

Umberellatheweatha · 21/06/2021 18:15

@Kaylasmum49

I don't think he means to be abusive as in I don't think he plans it. He just gets angry very easily.
He uses anger to intimidate you. And to keep you in line. He jumps to anger quickly because he knows it works.

Most children can control their anger. Because they know it isn't an acceptable way to behave. He can control it but he chooses not to because it serves him.

He is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive.

category12 · 21/06/2021 18:16

But can't you see how damaging it is for your children to live in this situation where they are seeing him threaten to set fire to you and is violent?

They're growing up with this as their normal, so they are likely to end up in similar relationships themselves. Do you want that for them?

Show them it's not OK to live like this.

However annoying or hard work you might think yourself, no-one deserves to be threatened or scared or to live with violence in the home.

Umberellatheweatha · 21/06/2021 18:19

Also 'he likes to wind me up and messing with my head' it doesnt get any more planned than that shit. The guy is a sadist and sociopathic. Get.out.of.there.

LIZS · 21/06/2021 18:21

Do you not think that your ds may be suffering more by living in such a volatile environment?

Umberellatheweatha · 21/06/2021 18:24

Watch it right through when you have time.
He worked with violent abusers for many years.
Dont let your partner see you watching this though.

Embracelife · 21/06/2021 18:31

@Kaylasmum49

I know I need to go but I can't stop thinking that I'm partly to blame. I have awful health anxiety and periods of depression, I do nag at him and sometimes keep an argument going. Maybe I've made him like that. He's told me that he doesn't get that angry with other people.
All the more reasons to leave. If this was true you need to leave

But it s him
Go
Now

Boonlark · 21/06/2021 18:40

It doesn't matter if he plans it or not. He's able to not do it in front of other people; other people where he could lose something important to him (reputation, job etc). That means he still chooses to behave like that with you.

Also, he's spent time training you to think you're overreacting, when you're actually underreacting to his abuse.

And finally, I think your mental health will improve a lot once you're free of him. It won't happen straight away, as it takes some time to feel mentally and emotionally free of an abuser. But there is an old saying: Before you question your mental state, make sure you're not just living with an arsehole.

category12 · 21/06/2021 18:41

Yes, even if you have made him like this (you haven't) - logically it's still better for all of you to split up. If you make him a worse person, then it's wisest for you to be apart, so he can be a better man without you.