@Kaylasmum49
lilyofthewasteland I understand what you are saying but I disagree. My ds hasn't really been exposed to his father's behaviour to any great extent. Most of the behaviour is around me only. My ds has sensory processing difficulties, social communication difficulties, unable to make friends, is very literal in his thinking along with a number of other autistic traits. I'm not saying that he won't have picked up on our arguments at all but I have done my best to protect my dcs from their father's behaviour. I would contribute some of his anxiety to our relationship but only to an extent.
Are you disagreeing based on any knowledge of what developmental trauma even is or how it arises? Because you're not displaying any comprehension of what developmental trauma is. It's not "anxiety" .
Living in an abusive environment damages children whether they directly witness abuse or not. That's what the evidence base shows. Even when the abused parent claims they "protected" the child, that child is still damaged.
That's the evidence. Not my opinion. The evidence shows it is impossible to protect a child living in an abusive home from being affected and damaged by that abuse.
"I have protected them" is the lie you tell yourself to make it all bearable. I'm sure you have done your best, but the fact remains that the abuser will still have damaged them both. That's why it's so important that you leave to prevent further harm.
The abuse changes your behaviour, it changes the atmosphere, it affects the safety, it is frightening listening to violence, living in a home where holes have been punched/kicked in doors, where communication is about power and control, where everyone is walking on eggshells, where your mother makes excuses for the abuse and thinks threatening to set her on fire is acceptable, etc.
And frankly given your op describes violent behaviour, including threats to kill you in front of your kids, I question your sense of perspective. For goodness sake, you posted on here proposing to keep your children in this abusive, volatile environment. They're not protected and you haven't protected them. Because it was impossible to protect them.
I am aware of what autistic traits are. They are the same as developmental trauma. That was my point. Again, evidence. Disagree all you like if denial makes you feel better but it doesn't change the facts or evidence on the subject.