Leaving dp but starting to think I should stay

[Kaylasmum49]

I have posted a number of times over the years about my relationship with my partner. He has been physically and emotionally abusive over the years but I am not blameless either. I have lashed out at him when I have felt threatened and I am very ashamed by that.

I have been placed on the strategic list for urgent housing so shouldn't have too long to wait. We have 2 dcs together aged 17 and 14. My 14 yo ds is currently being assessed for autism with the high likelihood that he will receive a diagnosis. He also suffers from severe anxiety, school refusal, social communication problems etc. I haven't told him we are separating as I want to make sure that everything is in place first.

But, I'm starting to think that I should just stay. My partner has violent outbursts when we have an arguement, not every time but at least once a month. He has punched/kicked walls, thrown things, threatened to punch me, admits that he likes to wind me up and messes with my head. His latest was to hold a lighter to the bottom of my cardigan and when I asked him what he was doing he said (I'm setting you alight) he did this in front of my 17 year old dd! He later said there was no flame in the lighter and that he was trying to burn a loose thread from my cardigan. We had had an arguement a short while before the incident.

I think that because things are calm atm that maybe I'm just overreacting.

No you're not over-reacting. As everyone else has said, continue with your plans to leave. It's just being afraid of change which is making you anxious about leaving. I hope somewhere is found for you very soon. Remember not to tell him your plans.

You have done really really well so far OP, it took a lot of guts to contact women's aid and set everything in motion. It doesn't help when you feel judged by some of the other people on here, but try not to feel attacked here too. Keep on going now, you will see everything so clearly when you are away from this man.

@Kaylasmum49

I agree that you do not need anyone 'condemning' you, but if you read back what you have written, can you not see why some PP's have been 'harsh' in their comments ?

You say in your OP that you're ''I'm starting to think that I should just stay'', and in the same post, detailing frankly horrific examples of your P's latest abuse............

You are also trying to 'justify' thinking about staying by saying your children are 'unaffected' or 'unaware' of most of it, but totally ignoring the fact that there's no way you can be sure of that (kids, particularly ASD kids, are often hyper-intuned to 'atmospheres' and 'micro expressions', glances, fear, anxiety etc) and that both DC will be very aware of these things, but will not want to add to your stress etc by admitting it. It's also possible that, for now, they've taken the option that you have shown them, to pretend it's not happening, and 'hope' it will all 'go away'............................

It's very possible that it is only once your DC's are removed/safe from your home, that they will feel 'able to express' their true feelings/ issues etc. This is something you need to be prepared for.

I, along with other PP's, are truly struggling to find the words, and to express them adequately in a way you'll be able to recognize, how your post just shocks us. We cannot understand why anyone would stay in that house/relationship a second longer !

There truly is no 'rationalization/reason/excuse for choosing to remain with someone who threatens to set you on fire !!

I understand the 'fear of the unknown' aspect of leaving, but surely anything and anywhere would be better than staying under the same roof as someone who wants to kill you ?? (What would your poor DC have then, if he kills you ? Orphans, with the knowledge that their Mother could've left, but chose NOT to ??)

Please, please, put all your 'doubts' and 'what if's' to rest. You know you must leave for both yours and your DC's safety, anything less would be (quite honestly) an act of insanity.

How many times do I have to say that I am leaving!! If i had somewhere to go right now i would go, but i have nowhere.

Maybe I'm stupid but i am not afraid of him physically and i honestly don't think he would try to kill me. There was one incident of physical abuse 8 years ago and never again since. The thing with the lighter wasn't an attempt to kill me it was his being an arsehole! There was no flame from the lighter as it's an electric lighter and needed charged. I'm absolutely not making excuses but I wasn't in danger, it was the fact that he did that in front of my dd and what he said that upset me.

My partner had a head injury 30 years ago after being knocked down which left him with long lasting issues, one of which is his quick temper. He acts impulsively a lot and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions. By no means am I using that as an excuse for him, I used to but I know that no matter what he can't treat me the way he does.

I am not an imbecile and I know my dcs will have affected by his behaviour without a doubt and I know I should have left a long time ago but I am now.

No one can say their abusive partner won't try to kill them
You won't know until it happens
The risk is there

quick temper. He acts impulsively a lot and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions

So easily can kill you even by impulsive action
A flying object
A pretend setting you on fire
Can all go wrong

Great post updown , I’m one of the victims of a mother who refused to keep me safe as a kid, it’s destroyed my mental and physical health. Posts like this one make me so fuckin angry, knowing there’s more damaged people every single day across the country, forced to live in abusive houses :(

Again I will say it, I am leaving!!! Where do you expect me to go? I have to wait until the council find me somewhere to go.

It's not been as straightforward as it might seem to everyone else, my mental health has been in shreds over the last 10 years or so. I am a carer for my 35 to ds who has severe mental health issues, bpd, psychosis, narcissistic traits and he has been mutilating his body through self harm since he was 16. He is also dependant on prescription drugs. I have been trying to my best for everyone and it's been bloody hard. You don't know me so don't judge me.

I don't need to hear that I'm a shit parent, I can't change the past. I'm trying to break away, doing everything I possibly can. I only work 13 hours a week as I need to be around for my 14 year old ds. I am desperate to have a happy stress free home for my dcs.