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Original poster

Father's Day for exes

73 replies

TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 08:16

Sent my darling child off to their Dad's with the Father's Day card from nursery. Split 6ish mths ago.

I don't think it's now my responsibility to buy presents for Father's Day for my ex. Our child is 4.

I did think about it but figured a home made card was something and also personal.

Ex not happy....i was getting messages over a 90 min period listing everything he ever bought me.

Triggered a load of memories and put me back against my mental healing as it wasn't fun and very controlling.

Father's Day ain't mine to do now. Am I being mean or just having sensible boundaries against someone who had already stopped presents in our relationship? :)

OP posts:

RamonaLark · 21/06/2021 08:21

I have two DC aged 7 and 8. I get presents for their dad from them and he does the same for me.

I did also write a Father’s Day card from me this year, we parent 50:50 and he’s a great dad. Perhaps it all depends on circumstances?

RamonaLark · 21/06/2021 08:22

If your ex had already stopped presents it makes more sense. I never spend a fortune.

Natty13 · 21/06/2021 08:23

What did he get you for Mothers' Day?

QuentinBunbury · 21/06/2021 08:25

I don't get presents for my ex and I don't want presents from "the children" that he bought. YANBU.

Dyrne · 21/06/2021 08:25

I think all you’re doing is harming the child in cases like this. I know DC that are aware that the norm is to get their dad presents and get upset that they have nothing to give them.

Set a small budget, involve your DC in the process, take them to the chocolate aisle of the local supermarket and get them to “choose something for Daddy”. Job done. As they get older just give them a fiver and remind them they need to pop to the shop.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 08:26

He was still living here for Mother's Day. A small card and a £1 bar of Dairy Milk. Was living here for close to free though.

It's been my bday since he left and not so much as a card so I figured he'd started the trend. He was awful over latter years - taken counselling and The Freedom Programme to start to get me right.

OP posts:

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 21/06/2021 08:27

You’re under no obligation especially if he didn’t bother in your relationship and your child is too young to know about presents or choose things

Dyrne · 21/06/2021 08:28

Oh, just seen that ex has stopped doing Mother’s Day etc. Then if DC wasn’t upset and it was just Ex kicking off; I’d say he is a twat for being annoyed at you doing exactly what he did.

Dyrne · 21/06/2021 08:29

Crosspost - if he did do something from the DC for Mother’s Day I’d say YABU - father’s/mother’s day is more about the DC and they are more likely to be upset about the lack of present, than for bdays.

Lan2020 · 21/06/2021 09:35

I have always bought my ex husband gifts from our son for birthdays/Xmas/father's day. My DS has always loved choosing and giving gifts, so it's for his benefit. Also, he's a good dad so I feel he deserves it.
He's always done the same for me bar one year for my birthday (he had not long got with his gf and she hates him buying me gifts- my son has overhead her telling his dad he shouldn't get me anything).
However, I suppose it depends on your relationship, how much your children are bothered and whether or not he does the same for you.
If my ex stopped buying for me, I would probably still give my DS money to get gifts for his dad, just because he enjoys doing it and it's for his benefit not mine or my ex husband's.

OP if he hasn't bought gifts for you and if your child is not bothered then I can see why you didn't. Even your child gets excited about the prospect of giving a gift, then I would get something.

Lan2020 · 21/06/2021 09:37

That meant to say 'although if your child gets excited at the prospect of giving a gift then I would get something'.

MrsMaizel · 21/06/2021 09:39

You are being mean like the cold hearted ex of my H. You are setting them up to be thoughtless .

Honeyroar · 21/06/2021 09:45

My husband and his ex never did father/Mother’s Day for each other. Initially when they split and my DSS was very young the grandmothers helped him choose something. When I came along later I’d help him choose a Father’s Day present and I’d check someone had helped him with Mother’s Day. As he got older I’d just remind him to get something himself as it was coming up.

RightOnTheEdge · 21/06/2021 09:45

My ex was useless with presents for me.
My dc got very upset one day when it was my birthday because she didn't have anything to give me.
They had been worrying and feeling sad about it.
Of course I told them it didn't matter and that a homemade card was my favourite thing but they wanted to treat me and do something special.

It broke my heart a bit so I always buy my ex father's day, birthday and Christmas present and cards from the dc even when I've felt like I hated him.

I don't do it for him, I do it for them.

MsSquiz · 21/06/2021 09:48

@MrsMaizel

You are being mean like the cold hearted ex of my H. You are setting them up to be thoughtless .

@MrsMaizel are you just ignoring the fact the her ex didn't even get her a card from their child for her birthday?!

Quite frankly, he got a lovely homemade card, when his child is older, they can choose to buy a gift if they wish.

You don't get to go in a huff and list every gift ever bought during a relationship when you've broken up! It's ridiculous!

vivainsomnia · 21/06/2021 09:53

You are being mean like the cold hearted ex of my H. You are setting them up to be thoughtless
Utterly ridiculous. She insured the child has a nice home made card. What immature parent also expect a present from a child much to young to think or it?

I was delighted to get cards from my kids. If I wanted a chocolate bar or deodorant, I went and got it for myself!

LittleRa · 21/06/2021 09:53

I help my 7yo DD get something small for her Dad for Father’s Day, his birthday and Christmas but I see it as more for her than for him- she loves to give gifts and gets excited to give it to him, I think it teaches her to be generous and considerate and that once she’s old enough she can pick it up herself. I steer her towards “consumables” that are generic, like chocolate or beers- as opposed to “best dad” teddies etc which he’d hate, or more “personal” items (eg something to do with the football team he follows) which seem too intimate a choice.

However in your case I’d say it sounds like you can’t do right, and no matter what you did or chose he would have something to say about it. Probably best to have a discussion, either face to face or text/email- “now that we have properly separated, we should agree expectations for helping DC get gifts for each other, so that there is no disappointment on either side. Shall we agree on a card and a small consumable gift to the value of £5?” Or if you prefer say “I don’t feel we should be getting each other any gifts at all”- so that there are no crossed wires. Although as I say, for our family it’s more about DD than it is about the adult receiving the gift. I think she’d feel a bit sad and embarrassed to realise it was Father’s Day and she had nothing for him.

Original poster

TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 10:00

Thanks all. I did think about it on Saturday and then i thought.....well he has a card....

He hasn't been nice over recent years so leave it.

It just spooked me getting 10s and 10s of WhatsApps over a couple of hour period...listing every present ever. Eeek!

OP posts:

bounce89 · 21/06/2021 10:01

My ds stole something from school when he was 6 as he was upset that he hadn't got me a card or present for my birthday, he was running out of school panicking and it broke my heart that he felt like that because of a parent that should have listened and understood but instead preferred to ignore his ds feelings because he hates me.

I make sure we plan something for every occasion now for xh and for my dsc mum, they never return the favour and thats fine! When they're older they'll see that I did what was best for them and prioritised their feelings over mine.

It doesn't make you a mug, it makes you a parent that respects your children's feelings and encourages them to see you as the stable one that will support them through anything.

Herja · 21/06/2021 10:10

I remind the DC that it's fathers day soon and offer to take them to the shops. I will pay for cards. If they want to get gifts, it's from their own money (this is all gifts, not just for ex. They are given too much pocket money by my grandparents, so far from skint). This year they chose to get him a metre high card rather than a gift...

If exH made an effort for mothers day etc, or if it troubled the children, I would try a bit harder. I'm not going out of my way to treat someone I have no respect for (and who actively dislikes me), when no one else is fussed either though!

Personally, I am very happy with the cards I am given by my children. I don't need or want more and I choose to presume my exH feels the same - which he may well do.

baileys6904 · 21/06/2021 10:23

Actually this isn't about you and the ex, it's about the children
So when they go to school, and their friends are talking about what they gave or did for fathers day, or even are aware that's what other family's do but they don't.

I cannot stand my ex. However every year my child and I decide on a present and card and he gives it him. I can't count on one hand how many years I've had nothing, however my child knows that I have done everything I could to do things ' right'. I have always sworn to make the decisions based on my child and when they're adults I cna look them in the eye and say I did everything I could.

Be the better person for the sake of your child

HelenHywater · 21/06/2021 10:43

I kind of think that you should have got a present for him - been the bigger person and done it for your ds as he's still so young.

I really dislike my ex, but I did used to do this for my children (they're older now, so I do nothing, and he gets nothing!).

The what's app messages are of course just twattish and unacceptable.

Lachimolala · 21/06/2021 10:47

I always take the kids to buy a card and they usually make one in nursery too. We didn’t do gifts when together so don’t bother now.

He didn’t even get me a card for Mother’s Day this year, I was pretty upset about it in all honesty. Especially seeing as I do literally everything for our children, I’ll always get him one though because I think at least a card is the right thing to do.

SilenceOfTheNaans · 21/06/2021 10:49

My Mum used to pay for my cards and a gift from DD for me on mothers day. ExH in fairness chose to not be involved all that much and now not at all so no I don't buy him anything and never did. Appreciate it's a different set of circumstances though.

A card is fine. If your child asks to buy a gift in future I wouldn't say no but would definitely make it a small token gift.

LindaEllen · 21/06/2021 11:03

I think you need to see it as you're doing something for your child (they will want to give their parent a present) and if they don't get money/can't get to the shops on their own, it's hardly fair that they can't get their parent a gift.

You don't have to spend very much. Just a card and a small gift until the child is old enough to sort it out themselves.

There's no need to make your child feel like shit about not having a present to give just because you're bitter about it going to your ex. After all, it's down to YOU that he is their father.

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