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Original poster

Father's Day for exes

73 replies

TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 08:16

Sent my darling child off to their Dad's with the Father's Day card from nursery. Split 6ish mths ago.

I don't think it's now my responsibility to buy presents for Father's Day for my ex. Our child is 4.

I did think about it but figured a home made card was something and also personal.

Ex not happy....i was getting messages over a 90 min period listing everything he ever bought me.

Triggered a load of memories and put me back against my mental healing as it wasn't fun and very controlling.

Father's Day ain't mine to do now. Am I being mean or just having sensible boundaries against someone who had already stopped presents in our relationship? :)

OP posts:
SilenceOfTheNaans · 21/06/2021 11:25

Why is everyone so certain this child will feel like shit? He is the one annoyed not the child Confused he didn't do a birthday gift for the OP so I'm sure DC will just accept that they do cards instead.

Given OP has had to actively seek counselling to recover from the damage this man has done to her mental health throughout their relationship a card is fine. It's not her responsibility to pander to his feeling of entitlement to receive a gift.

It baffles me that so many of you have jumped to the DC feeling bad about not giving a gift when it's been mentioned nowhere by the OP. Taking the post at face value the only one with the issue is the ex Confused

SilenceOfTheNaans · 21/06/2021 11:34

And also his response to not receiving a gift is outrageous. Let's not try to normalise his response by insisting the OP hasn't done enough

Hen2018 · 21/06/2021 11:38

Any chance of deleting him off WhatsApp and asking him to email you, only regarding important issues solely to do with your child?

That should slow the torrent of messages.

vivainsomnia · 21/06/2021 11:43

It's also our responsibility as parents not to put pressure on our kids. I've always told my kids from the time they were in reception that I didn't expect a present for mothers day or my birthday and that a nice handmade card or drawing was better than anything they could buy. I've had amazing, well thought through cards which I've kept. So much more valuable than any crap they could have got me.

They've started to get be flowers and some personal presents when they started to earn their own money. It's lovely.

It's terrible that kids think they have to get something to parents when they have no control over the funds to do so.

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 11:46

This is interesting as my ex actually told me NOT to get him anything for Father’s Day one year, I always got him a card and a small gift from the kids but he told me not to. Never have since then and never will. So not all men want something for those saying how mean it is not to buy things.

LittleRa · 21/06/2021 11:49

@LoopTheLoops

This is interesting as my ex actually told me NOT to get him anything for Father’s Day one year, I always got him a card and a small gift from the kids but he told me not to. Never have since then and never will. So not all men want something for those saying how mean it is not to buy things.
It’s definitely not, I think the important thing is communication and managing expectations so that everyone knows where they stand.
LittleRa · 21/06/2021 11:50

When I said “it’s definitely not” above, I meant it’s definitely not all men that want a gift.

Ohmygoshandfolly · 21/06/2021 11:53

Not your responsibility at all. A homemade card is definitely enough and the best present anyway.

CallmeHendricks · 21/06/2021 12:13

You could always send him a list back of all the gifts he has given you "since you split up"
The sum total of zero.

Tuberoses · 21/06/2021 12:22

Imo you should give your DC a small amount of money and assist them in choosing and wrapping a gift for Fathers Day, birthday and Christmas. The same as you would if they went to a friend’s birthday party. It’s not about you, it’s about enabling your child to give a gift.

SpaceRaiders · 21/06/2021 12:45

Ex doesn’t bother and neither do I. He could barely remember important dates whilst married, it would be rather foolish of me to expect gifts or cards post split.

My approach is similar to @vivainsomnia in that I dc know a homemade card and a cup of lukewarm tea in bed makes me very happy. Some years in the run up to my birthday, I take them to my favourite shop and give them a budget and let them run riot with my card, whilst I wait outside. It has lead to some rather unexpected lovely gifts from them.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/06/2021 13:36

It is a tough one. My ex has never helped the children buy gifts for me. I did it for 2 years. He also didn't pay child support. So I felt my money. Time and effort was better spent on the kids.

He had a new partner who helped with gift buying then.

Although this year he is with someone new. I debated long and hard about it and decided it was in dc best interest to get a card and chocolate. £2.50 now is no skin off my nose. Now I've paid off the debt I was left with.

Dc left here happy to have something to give him so feel I made the right choice. Although I do not expect it will be reciprocated because of course I am evil and twisted 🙄

MrsMaizel · 21/06/2021 13:41

@MsSquiz I read that he had done something small for Mother's Day . i would class birthdays as a separate thing - but Father and Mother ? I think it is important to try with this for the children's sake.

Whydidimarryhim · 21/06/2021 14:26

Hi Titanium - I’d really block him if you can and communicate by email.
He’s still abusing you.
He made no effort on your birthday or Mother’s Day really. What does the moron expect. You obviously got to him!!!! 😀 entitled pig.

OneForTheRoadThen · 21/06/2021 14:34

I think ideally you both should be considering what your child would want to do and then do that. Would your child want to get you and their dad a card or present for Mother's/Father's Day? If so then you just have to suck it up and facilitate it. I've just had to do with with my very recent ex and it sucks, I do understand how awful it is but you just have to do it for your child.

It's hard when he doesn't do anything for you but I'd still do it I think. And as your child gets older then will need less and less help with it. Just don't engage with any of his texts. I only answer ones about the children now. I hope it gets easier for you soon Thanks

Pesimistic · 21/06/2021 17:20

I don't get my ex anything for fathers day, I took my son out to sainsburies to get cards for father's day he chose to get his step dad a card and didn't mention getting his dad a card so I didn't push it. Exs wife got him something for fathers day, its not my responsibility. As its also not his responsibility to get me anything for mothers day

Gilda152 · 21/06/2021 17:47

I definitely think it's kinder to the child to do this on their behalf and set your own feelings aside, even if he's a complete dick, he's the complete dick you chose as the father of your son and that's a lifelong bind whether you now like it or not. Any feasible and small gesture greasing of the wheels helps (and this is a very small gesture for your son's sake)

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 21/06/2021 17:51

YABU. It shouldn’t be tit for tat, well he only got me a bar of chocolate and a card so I won’t bother. That just seems immature. It’s about your shared child together, and imo even if you’ve split up the onus is on you to organise a small gift and card from the child to the other parent.

Whether he does it back or not isn’t the point (though he did get you a card and chocolate for Mother’s Day). Birthdays are different, and no longer your responsibility, but Mother and Father’s Day is, you’re each other’s co parent regardless of what went on between the two of you.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 21/06/2021 18:59

I’d say it’s for the children not for your ex but if he’s not doing Mother’s Day or your birthday then fair is fair! We buy for my DHs ex and her partner and they buy for us, but it’s all very amicable.

bigbaggyeyes · 21/06/2021 19:04

I think you did the right thing op. The first Father's Day after I split from my ex he said the same thing. I told him to bog off, the kids used to make him something at school, they are now teenagers, if they ask my for a lift to the shops for a Father's Day card I'll often buy it for them, but only if they ask me. My dd didn't do anything this year as she was with me this weekend. Not my place to buy for him now.

StoneColdBitch · 21/06/2021 19:06

I think YABU, as your child is only 4. A child of that age has no way of arranging a gift if you don't facilitate it and pay for it. When my stepkids were young we would give them £10 so they could get their mum a card and present for her birthday and similar for Mother's Day and Christmas.

An older child can make their own decision, and can save their own money if they want, but for a child this young I think it's appropriate for you to facilitate a gift, unless there is a new partner or relative on the scene who you know has it covered.

BigfatJ · 21/06/2021 19:08

I think yabu but it’s weird he has kept track of everything he’s ever bought you

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 19:08

Just out of interest but why does he need a gift on top of a card? Why isn’t a card enough? Like I said my ex asked me not to buy him stuff so not something I do, so I’m just trying to understand why a card isn’t sufficient?

Midnightballerina · 21/06/2021 19:16

He got a card made by his son. That's what you get for mother's/ fathers day. Homemade stuff from your kids that you keep in a precious box. I don't understand the buying of gifts from partners /ex's. I don't my my kids dad anything because he's not MY dad, same on mother's day. Ignore him.

Glitterandmud · 21/06/2021 19:27

Well I am on my own just now with nobody to facilitate child-gift giving for me. Ny DC is 4, he wanted to buy me a birthday present, I gave him some money, took him to the shop and he picked something, he did the transaction with me at a safe distance, we went home, he put it in a gift bag and gave it to me on my birthday. No reason your ex couldn't have done that if your son wanted to get him a present, sounds like he just wanted an excuse to have a go at you.

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