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Original poster

Father's Day for exes

73 replies

TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 08:16

Sent my darling child off to their Dad's with the Father's Day card from nursery. Split 6ish mths ago.

I don't think it's now my responsibility to buy presents for Father's Day for my ex. Our child is 4.

I did think about it but figured a home made card was something and also personal.

Ex not happy....i was getting messages over a 90 min period listing everything he ever bought me.

Triggered a load of memories and put me back against my mental healing as it wasn't fun and very controlling.

Father's Day ain't mine to do now. Am I being mean or just having sensible boundaries against someone who had already stopped presents in our relationship? :)

OP posts:
Naunet · 21/06/2021 21:13

My mum used to buy us gifts for my dad and his side of the family. He never did the same. When I grew up and realised this, I wish she hadn’t bothered.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/06/2021 21:36

He got a perfectly good home made card - from the child, whose father he is (sorry that’s sounds a bit Yoda!)

Nothing to moan about.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 21/06/2021 21:59

Hi all, thanks for the views.

My child wasn't bothered about not taking a present. He was as proud as punch about the card. If he was bothered, i would have gone with it and got him something.

His Dad was lovely until I was pregnant then the game changed. A slow insidious number of years of being accused of having affairs I wasn't having and paper bags being checked before they went for recycling. Being woken to be shouted at...so it went on.

I was accused of hiding things when I'd eaten a chocolate orange I had bought. The evidence was the recycling where I had put the box. 'All secrets and lies with you.' Grown woman buys and binge eats own chocolate shocker. :)

At one point, I was putting rubbish in the bin at Tesco, like I was in a John Grisham novel, rather than at home. I look back now and think what lunacy.

The list of presents eventually stopped this am, probably 12 hours after the list started

I like the idea of using a different media to converse with him, as I speak to friends through WhatsApp so him also appearing starts me worrying especially late at night when he starts.

Thanks for all of the advice.
Xxxxx

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 21/06/2021 22:13

If you'd said at the start your child wasn't bothered about getting a present this would have been a 1 page thread 😁

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 22:17

TBF the child is 4 of course they weren’t bothered! Can’t see many 4 year olds desperate to buy their father a present! Most are 4 year olds are all about themselves

SilenceOfTheNaans · 21/06/2021 22:24

But she never said the child was. That's just what other posters decided to make up Confused

Gilda152 · 21/06/2021 22:43

@LoopTheLoops exactly.

CassandraTrotter · 21/06/2021 22:54

So much projecting on this thread! People are nuts saying you have to buy gifts for an abuser! Shat’s wrong with you all?! What message does that send to the child?

OP, id have blocked him after the second message. Or do as the pp who said to reply with the list of what he has got you since you split . Then block.

Or, if you're feeling super generous, give ds £2 and tell him to choose a chocolate bar for his dad at the shop.

Ebee19 · 22/06/2021 00:15

Even in really messy divorces, most people still get the mothers/Father’s Day presents from children who are too young and pay as they get older. My parents even sat down and baked cakes. My BIL does the same. Hell, I'm 28 and my mum went out and got a plant for my dad (divorced 22 years) because I was sick. As they get older you can give your child money and ask him to pick something, but for now - I think a box of chocolates / bar and a home made made painting would be enough. What you would want on Mother’s Day x

Ebee19 · 22/06/2021 00:16

Ps I’m meaning £1-£2 btw. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Also the texts and him getting angry is not ok. Hope you’re doing ok ❤️

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 22/06/2021 00:25

Do the kids have grandparents? If so they can sort it. Not your job anymore

Anordinarymum · 22/06/2021 02:12

My partner is a nice man. He has a daughter from his marriage - divorced. He always provided for her. She has had a great life and has never wanted for anything. He paid for university, and holidays and cars and insurance, white goods for the flats she lived in and more.
When she had a baby he bought things - in fact anything she wants he never says no.
They are not fallen out. They speak regularly on the phone and he has seen her recently.
Father's day came and went
My daughter bought him something because he is a support for all of us and she knows he will always be there.
His daughter ?
She sent a message at about 10pm. He was so grateful. I felt very sad.
He worships the ground she walks on and she manipulates him and trades on his guilt for the divorce.
His marriage broke down. There was no other woman. When he met me she was fine and friendly for a while. Then she blanked me for reasons best known to herself.
It's the same every year. Most years she does not even send a message. She does not remember his birthday either. Father's Day is just a tool for her to hurt his feelings

SilenceOfTheNaans · 22/06/2021 08:54

So much projecting on this thread! People are nuts saying you have to buy gifts for an abuser! Shat’s wrong with you all?! What message does that send to the child?

This x 100. The responses on here are mind-boggling, trying to compare a bog standard divorce with one that has involved abuse to a man who is using the lack of gift to continue the cycle of abuse is beyond absurd.

Gilda152 · 22/06/2021 13:14

@SilenceOfTheNaans not really. Getting divorced because of abuse = normal, mature, emotionally intelligent and sensible.

realising that your child and it's father have a relationship that now doesn't include your married experience = normal, mature, emotionally intelligent and sensible.

In any event that poster said at the end of her post that op could take child to spend a couple of pounds.

KOKOagainandagain · 22/06/2021 17:31

Yeah and realising that your child's mother and resident parent and f/t carer to boot have an independent relationship would also be mature. Maybe on your EOW access remind them and help them buy a card/present for Mother's Day. If you don't, what do you expect? I made my own Mother's Day. It was up to him to make his own Father's Day. Not my job.

Mumoftwo2021 · 22/06/2021 17:43

I’m with @Dyrne on this one, regardless of what’s gone on DC maybe upset that they haven’t been able to give their dad a present.

Regardless of what he did to you DC loves him. X

Gilda152 · 22/06/2021 17:56

@KOKOagainandagain absolutely agree. But if the father is not emotionally mature enough to do that and you are, so be it. It's not a race to the bottom.

KOKOagainandagain · 22/06/2021 18:45

My DC are older - 20 and 15. They are not going to be upset they didn't get a card or present. They know why H no longer lives with us. They would think WTF if I went out of my way though - that I was prioritising his feelings. That I was paving the way for his return. And gaslighting them. Making them feel obligated.

Not all fathers are good fathers. Father's Day is the least of our concerns. But a good opportunity for the bad father to play the victim and guilt trip.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 22/06/2021 21:39

When my ex was with his girlfriend, she would sort out Mother's Day, Father's Day and his birthday on behalf of my kids. Once I knew she had it planned out (I sorted those types of occasions before they moved in together) I retreated on this point. Now they are no longer together (might have been something to do with emotional labour who knows... 😂), I have stepped up again. My son was so excited to plan Father's day presents weeks in advance this year. I want him to stay that way and not be weird about presents. It's not actually about their father, who I didn't part on good terms with, it's about my children.

Annasgirl · 22/06/2021 21:47

@CassandraTrotter

So much projecting on this thread! People are nuts saying you have to buy gifts for an abuser! Shat’s wrong with you all?! What message does that send to the child?

OP, id have blocked him after the second message. Or do as the pp who said to reply with the list of what he has got you since you split . Then block.

Or, if you're feeling super generous, give ds £2 and tell him to choose a chocolate bar for his dad at the shop.

I concur.

Totally Hmm at the enablers on this thread.

OP, you did nothing wrong. He is still abusing you.

CuteOrangeElephant · 22/06/2021 21:53

Hmm at the insistence from posters here that a gift needs to be bought. What's wrong with a home made card?

CassandraTrotter · 22/06/2021 23:06

[quote Gilda152]@SilenceOfTheNaans not really. Getting divorced because of abuse = normal, mature, emotionally intelligent and sensible.

realising that your child and it's father have a relationship that now doesn't include your married experience = normal, mature, emotionally intelligent and sensible.

In any event that poster said at the end of her post that op could take child to spend a couple of pounds.[/quote]
If she was feeling super generous. because it isn't to be expected. because he is an abusive selfish wanker.

WatieKatie · 23/06/2021 10:23

My EH left when our DC was a baby eight years ago now. Each year I buy a Birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day card for him but never a present. He gets me absolutely nothing! I think a card is absolutely fine.

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