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Relationships

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Original poster

Experience getting DH to discuss family planning

76 replies

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 10:10

I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience to me. We’ve got 2 DC and ever since the second one was born I’ve been really broody. But also flip-flopping on whether I want a third due to practicalities. DH refused to express an opinion, saying that I don’t know what I want so he doesn’t want to get into it.

A couple of weeks ago, on a long car ride which was just the two of us so no distractions etc, I said I’d like a third and to start trying in the next few months. He again refused to engage. I’m bringing it up often as I want a discussion and conclusion, even if that’s “no bloody way, end of story”. He’s very relaxed but has used the phrase “taking by the throat”. Not good. Probably IABU.

However I’m now not using contraception because my latest attempt was giving me 12 day cycles, and no sex works better for me than bleeding more than 1 week in 2! Which means that we’ve graduated to using the pull-out method, which as we all know... is not a method.

Works for me, as I’ll probably get my baby. And I made it clear to him that it was his choice to carry on knowingly. But this seems like a very silly situation. The advice I would give myself is pretty obvious (insist on condoms, wait for him to be ready to talk), but I’m wondering if anyone has had experience of getting their partner to engage in a discussion under similar circumstances?

OP posts:

Dozer · 20/06/2021 10:12

Follow your own advice!

Seems unwise to ttc DC3 (which is essentially what you’re doing) when you have relationship problems.

Dozer · 20/06/2021 10:14

As for ‘getting him to engage’ if he really refuses to talk to you about it you could suggest counselling.

Unless DC2 is a small baby, in which case YABU to push the matter now.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 10:15

I wouldn’t say we have problems though. That’s what’s so odd! It’s almost the opposite, things have stabilised - children sleep through, we’re affectionate, sex life picking up again post-babies, work is good, we joke, share the same values. We both feel we came out of the stress of the pandemic as a really happy and resilient couple. This seems to be the only sticking point!

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 10:17

No, DC2 is 1.5ys old and we have a small gap, which DH was happier about than I was.

I wonder whether he’s adamant he doesn’t want another but scared to tell me (I’m sure I’d be disappointed for a bit but would count my blessings and move on!). But not pushing to use contraception doesn’t make sense, in that case.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 20/06/2021 10:24

If he wanted another one, it'd be a heck yeah.
The evasiveness is a no.

Has he ever pushed for contraception before or just expected you to take care of it?

baileys6904 · 20/06/2021 10:25

How absolutely dare you!!!

If this was a man putting holes in a condom and having sex with his wife after being told no to more kids, there would be absolute uproar

I'd suggest going back on birth control and either having a final conversation about how you feel and either leaving the relationship or continuing with agreement.

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 10:25

Previously he got to hide behind your indecision and say it was you who couldn't make her mind up, so he didn't have to decide one way or the other.

Suddenly he has to get off the fence and make a decision for two separate reasons (you've made a call and the contraception thing) and it sounds like he hasn't quite caught up yet. That's fair enough IMO - it's a big decision and this has all only happened in the last couple of weeks. If he still doesn't want to discuss it in a couple of months time, that would start to be a problem.

It would be better to have him fully onboard before getting pregnant so I would take the advice you give in the OP, word for word.

lilyofthewasteland · 20/06/2021 10:30

I'd have thought it's pretty clear he doesn't want another and is happy with the life and family you've got, hence not wanting to discuss a third. He doesn't want one, there's nothing to discuss.

If this were reversed, it would be unacceptable for him to keep badgering you to try and get you to have a child you don't want. I don't consider it any more acceptable for you to do that to him.

Don't just assume you can get pregnant and he'll be fine. More likely for that to be the trigger for the relationship to break down.

Missreginafalange · 20/06/2021 10:33

@baileys6904

How absolutely dare you!!!

If this was a man putting holes in a condom and having sex with his wife after being told no to more kids, there would be absolute uproar

I'd suggest going back on birth control and either having a final conversation about how you feel and either leaving the relationship or continuing with agreement.

Bit extreme, OP has done nothing underhand her DH is well aware she is not on birth control and happy to continue having unprotected sex knowing the risks and knowing OP would like another baby.

OP, if it was me I would have another convo with him and may be say tell me now if you don't want a third as it's better to sort this now rather than if/when I get pregnant which could happen given we aren't using protection...

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 10:33

All the posters saying it's clear he doesn't want another baby, in that case why doesn't he just say so? Instead of sending mixed messages by refusing to discuss it and failing to take any responsibility for contraception.

ChinaMug · 20/06/2021 10:35

@baileys6904

How absolutely dare you!!!

If this was a man putting holes in a condom and having sex with his wife after being told no to more kids, there would be absolute uproar

I'd suggest going back on birth control and either having a final conversation about how you feel and either leaving the relationship or continuing with agreement.

He knows she is not taking the pill. They have talked about that. It's nothing like putting holes in a condom when the woman doesn't know!

baileys6904 · 20/06/2021 10:35

@missreginafalange. Where does it say he knows she's not taking contraception???? If thats the case, then yes I agree, not so bad, but certainly read to me he wasn't aware

spotcheck · 20/06/2021 10:36

Have you point blank asked if he wants a third baby?

What is ' taking by the throat'
?

Missreginafalange · 20/06/2021 10:37

[quote baileys6904]@missreginafalange. Where does it say he knows she's not taking contraception???? If thats the case, then yes I agree, not so bad, but certainly read to me he wasn't aware[/quote]
4th paragraph of OPs opening post

And I made it clear to him that it was his choice to carry on knowingly

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 10:40

Sorry, to be very clear, DH 100% knows I’m not taking anything. He knows generally because the pill has caused issues since DC2, and I reminded him at the start of sex... In the past he has refused to continue, which is totally fine with me- obviously. I don’t want him to have a child he doesn’t want. I just want him to tell me his thoughts on the subject. Any thoughts would do, at this point!!

OP posts:

baileys6904 · 20/06/2021 10:42

I apologise, I read it completely differently.

I do think this needs to be an active decision from both of you, it's a recipe for resentment in the future for one of you

trevthecat · 20/06/2021 10:43

@Baileys6904 seriously? If he was concerned about pregnancy he could put a condom on himself. He hasn't said yes or no. Op isn't deceiving him

fizzybootlace · 20/06/2021 10:54

Surely the person that doesn't want a baby should be starting the conversation about contraception. If he doesn't use anything then he'll have another child. Why doesn't he wear a condom?

I don't see why OP has to use anything, particularly as she has complications with the pill, unless it's discussed and agreed between them.

Redwinestillfine · 20/06/2021 10:54

Buy condoms, let him know that you got them and why. If he doesn't want to talk make him wearone next time they are required. If he won't put them on say that sex without contraception isn't working for you and that you need to talk. Explain he can take control if he is still up in the air about having a baby, or you can knowingly start trying or he can tell you he doesn't want another and you can look into vasectomies/ the coil or something more long term. That should focus him.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 20/06/2021 10:57

This is the equivalent of "oh but i emailed them" sometimes you just need to send 3 follow ups AND cc their line manager AND stand over their desk while they eventually do it...

I think you need to seriously consider that actions have consequences for you and your children.

Yes he is being a bit crap and avoiding but if you press on there will be consequences.

So i would say if you want a third child and are happy/okay with that fact you may well blow up your marriage and be a single mother to 3 - crack on...

If you have any interest in staying in the marriage/not being a single parent (either for you or your existing children) you need to try again and get your husband on board.

Because he sounds like he does not want a third.

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 11:22

Instead of sending mixed messages by refusing to discuss it and failing to take any responsibility for contraception.

This is precisely it. He has talked about the coil, but I’m unkeen for various reasons and have countered by suggesting a vasectomy. But apparently men “our age” (v early 30s) don’t get them.

Anyway regardless of the specifics, it’s the lack of communication that’s bothering me- hence posting on this board instead of Conception, for example.

OP posts:

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 11:26

What about condoms? Free from side effects for you, and much more reliable than the pull out method you're currently using!

Original poster

HappyGoLuckyGo · 20/06/2021 11:29

Yeah, and I’m happy to use them but he doesn’t like them! He also knows I wouldn’t entertain the idea of an abortion, so I’m surprised that he’s being so blasé. I wonder whether he wants to just “see what happens” and then I’m the “fall-guy” if I get pregnant. But he dotes on our DC and is probably a better parent than I am! And his communication is usually excellent. So it’s all rather confusing.

OP posts:

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 11:37

Yes that is confusing! I would insist on condoms for the moment in any case. Whether it's because he genuinely hasn't thought through the implications or he wants a baby but for some reason seems unable to admit it (neither sounds likely, but I can't think of another explanation!), it would be better to get him properly on board. So condoms until he's ready for that conversation.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/06/2021 11:42

No way would I be sleeping with him without condoms. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you op. A decent man wouldnt carry on having sex with you whilst actively avoiding the topic of babies and refusing to take any responsibility for potentially making one. Sorry op but he sounds a bit of a pig.

Dont have another child when your relationship isnt particularly stable and the communication is poor. Work things out first.

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