Experience getting DH to discuss family planning

[HappyGoLuckyGo]

I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience to me. We’ve got 2 DC and ever since the second one was born I’ve been really broody. But also flip-flopping on whether I want a third due to practicalities. DH refused to express an opinion, saying that I don’t know what I want so he doesn’t want to get into it.

A couple of weeks ago, on a long car ride which was just the two of us so no distractions etc, I said I’d like a third and to start trying in the next few months. He again refused to engage. I’m bringing it up often as I want a discussion and conclusion, even if that’s “no bloody way, end of story”. He’s very relaxed but has used the phrase “taking by the throat”. Not good. Probably IABU.

However I’m now not using contraception because my latest attempt was giving me 12 day cycles, and no sex works better for me than bleeding more than 1 week in 2! Which means that we’ve graduated to using the pull-out method, which as we all know... is not a method.

Works for me, as I’ll probably get my baby. And I made it clear to him that it was his choice to carry on knowingly. But this seems like a very silly situation. The advice I would give myself is pretty obvious (insist on condoms, wait for him to be ready to talk), but I’m wondering if anyone has had experience of getting their partner to engage in a discussion under similar circumstances?

@Clickbait

What about condoms? Free from side effects for you, and much more reliable than the pull out method you're currently using!

This actually isn't true - when done properly withdrawal is about as effective as condoms when put on and removed properly, various peer-reviewed studies have shown. "Withdrawal, also known as pulling out or coitus interruptus, is about as effective as condoms at preventing pregnancy. The perfect-use failure rate for withdrawal is 4% compared to 3% for condoms; similarly, within the first year of use, 18% of couples relying on withdrawal will experience a pregnancy, comparable to the 17% of couples using male condoms. Still, withdrawal is often perceived to be ineffective at preventing pregnancy" www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4254803/#R1

Also if you are struggling to get through to the sexual health clinic, just chose another option. Select whatever it takes to get you to speak to an actual person. We are totally here and talking to people and providing actually face to face care and contraception. You just need to advocate for yourself and be a bit proactive.

@Rarah Sorry to hear you had a similar experience and it remains unresolved- and about your miscarriage. Like you say, it’s disappointing. My DH has never shut down an area of conversation like this before, and typically wants me to share my thoughts even when tbh I just want to have some quiet time to myself and think about whatever is on my mind. I have no idea how he would react if I got pregnant, because he won’t tell me what he’s thinking!

I think a pp may be right, I should stop mentioning it. But for various reasons I’d like to either ttc soon or accept it’s not happening and make other decisions (primarily my job, which is v intense and high pressure) accordingly. Feels unfair to be kept out in the cold like this.

@HappyGoLuckyGo I completely understand the feeling of wanting to know what to plan for. I wanted to focus on other things if we’re not going to have another. On the other hand, I knew that spelling it out to him might mean he took decisive action to avoid a pregnancy and my wish to have another would sadly not happen, so I didn’t push. I should have pushed at the time, because the pregnancy was a really dark few months and I think it’s damaged our relationship. I don’t feel the same respect for him now.

I don’t think you should have to stop talking to him about what’s going to happen. It’s crazy that it needs to be spelled out to him but “We’re not using contraception and I need to know how you’re going to react to another baby. If you don’t want one, then you need to sort contraception asap” isn’t unreasonable at all.
It’s not nagging him. He’s risking a pregnancy with you every time you sleep together. You have every right to keep asking!

Dsis is in the same situation. Father of her kids knows she's not on birth control. Using the pull out method. She's desperate for another one and he doesn't want one for at least another year. For several reasons it's not good timing for her to get pregnant again but he won't do more to prevent. I'll give you the same advice I've given her, take a big step back and think clearly. Iron out that discussion and take all appropriate steps. It's too easy to be blinded by day to day. Long term needs sorting out.

Have you told him that if he said no, you'd be disappointed but would accept it?

The way he's behaving it seems like he doesn't really want a third but is afraid if he says so it'll provoke a crisis.

I think you should stop having sex until he voices what he wants - that should quickly crystallise his thoughts.

This might be a bit of a simplistic viewpoint but is it not just that he's indifferent to whether you have another DC? Ie. he's happy with 2 but also would be happy to go for number 3, hence he's leaving it upto you to decide? I've got 3 DC and I'm pretty sure when I started thinking of number 3 my DH would have given similar responses...

OP, I totally understand your wish to know one way or the other so that start making plans for the future. At the moment you feel like you're in limbo - no one likes uncertainty.

But remember, you said yourself that it wasn't an easy decision for you and you kept flip flopping between yes and no. Now you've made your decision you want DH to make his, but he's not ready to make it yet. I think you need to respect his feelings of uncertainty and back off a little. There may be good reasons to decide on way or another (eg your job), but surely a few weeks won't make a huge difference? It's more important that he takes a little time and makes the right decision.

He’s choosing to have unprotected sex with you, surely that means he wants a baby? Either that or he has a smaller IQ than an orange.

@Naunet

He’s choosing to have unprotected sex with you, surely that means he wants a baby? Either that or he has a smaller IQ than an orange.

I think the basic standard should be explicit agreement when ttc.

Yes, he would be a dick if op got pregnant and then he was shitty about it, but it doesn't mean it would be any less of a crap start to a pregnancy. It's far from unknown for someone to play the ostrich and then be unwilling to deal with the consequences or to blame others.

Best to get it openly established what both parties want.

I think the basic standard should be explicit agreement when ttc

Yes, he would be a dick if op got pregnant and then he was shitty about it, but it doesn't mean it would be any less of a crap start to a pregnancy. It's far from unknown for someone to play the ostrich and then be unwilling to deal with the consequences or to blame others

Saying that you don’t want kids, is not a form of contraception. If you have unprotected sex, a baby is almost inevitable eventually. It’s idiotic to simply say “I don’t want children” and then have unprotected sex. Women can’t just magically not get pregnant if a man says those words. He has to take responsibility for himself. A woman can’t get pregnant without a man ejaculating inside of her, so it’s very easy if men don’t want children, they keep their sperm away from a woman’s vagina.

I don't have kids with my DP (although he has a DC12 from a previous relationship and 50/50 custody).

I have faced MONTHS of non-response on the subject of children ("not now, but not never"). I have a coil that will need to be replaced/removed within 6 months, and I am not broody, I just wanted to know what his position is.

I have always been open about contraception (I believe it should be an equal decision, even if I will likely end up with the damn thing in my body) and told him 1 full year before d-day that the coil would need to be replaced/removed. My aim was to make him aware, find out his position, include him in the decision to try (or not try) for kids, leave us both plenty of time to discuss our relationship and set up in general... you get the idea.

Long story short, whenever I brought it up it was never the right time, but whenever I left it alone he never took the initiaive himself. Cue much frustration on my part, and eventually I said "fuck it, I am never having kids with anyone who's attitude to parenting with me is "meh, maybe"."

Honestly, my opinon of him has decreased, not helped by his about face the day after I booked myself in for a coil replacement (still going ahead). My point being that you may want another child, but do you really want another child with all that represents (nappies, sleepless nights, sexless months, impact on your existing 2 DC, impact on finances) with someone who is not enthusiastically on board?

He’s choosing to have unprotected sex with you, surely that means he wants a baby?

Well, this is sort of my logic. There’s no deception here, we both know where we stand ie a baby is not that unlikely and I’d not be upset about it. He’s a smart guy, he loves our existing kids, we have a good and happy relationship. Maybe the pp who said he’s happy to just roll the dice (but leaning towards no, otherwise he wouldn’t be pulling out!) is on to something.

I also note the point made about him taking time to decide. Previously he’s insisted on condoms, but doesn’t like the feel of them and then also said he didn’t trust them(?? Pretty effective in my view!). So, to now graduate to being happy with pulling out indicates to me that maybe he’s taking time to get his head around the idea but slowly leaning towards “yes”?

Honestly, I wish he’d just say instead of me wasting my time guessing!!

@Naunet

I think the basic standard should be explicit agreement when ttc

Yes, he would be a dick if op got pregnant and then he was shitty about it, but it doesn't mean it would be any less of a crap start to a pregnancy. It's far from unknown for someone to play the ostrich and then be unwilling to deal with the consequences or to blame others

Saying that you don’t want kids, is not a form of contraception. If you have unprotected sex, a baby is almost inevitable eventually. It’s idiotic to simply say “I don’t want children” and then have unprotected sex. Women can’t just magically not get pregnant if a man says those words. He has to take responsibility for himself. A woman can’t get pregnant without a man ejaculating inside of her, so it’s very easy if men don’t want children, they keep their sperm away from a woman’s vagina.

I am aware of this .

The point is, he's playing ostrich - OP knows he's playing ostrich - he knows he is.

Rationally it would be ridiculous for him to be shocked or upset or angry if OP gets pregnant.

But people are not always rational and he's demonstrating he's not thinking/behaving rationally by refusing to have the conversation with OP explicitly.

And it would be a shitty outcome if OP gets pregnant and he turns round and says I didn't agree to this, I don't want this, etc etc. All very well saying yeah but sex makes babies, but it'll still make it a shit start to any pregnancy.

OP, I think you should stop playing russian roulette and just refuse to have sex until he tells you one way or another.

But tbh, I think you won't force the issue because it quite suits you this way and you're afraid his answer would actually be no.

Hmmm, yes and no. It sort of suits me but there are many reasons to stop at 2, and if he said no, in way that would put it to rest and I could move on. I feel like we’re going to end up with a third by stealth, and that’s not ideal.

Have you actually told him that?

Yes, last night I said “we need to talk about contraception, we’re going to end up with a baby.”

And he said, “nah we don’t have sex that often. Although admittedly it’s always when you’re fertile!” (Because we’ve realised that my sex drive is really clearly linked to ovulation, although tbh now that I’m off the pill my sex drive is much higher generally). And then he laughed and went off to the bathroom!

What am I meant to do, follow him and barricade myself in with him til he talks?!

Hence I’m increasingly thinking he does want a third?

No, next time you're about to have sex, say - do you want a baby or not cos I'm tired of taking chances not knowing if I fall pregnant whether you'll be OK with it or not - and if he won't give an answer, don't have sex.

Hmm. You may be onto something...

I’m in a fairly similar situation. Got 2 DC neither were planned. I would like a third, DH would happily stick with 2 but won’t get the snip or wear condoms. He is fully aware sex = baby. Currently not having sex which does affect our relationship but I don’t want another yet. DH would love some sex. If/when I tell him I’m pregnant he won’t be angry or shout or suggest we shouldn’t have it.

Is he usually a man who thinks he can have his cake and eat it too?

Or someone who is ok with decisions that are made for him, for all practical purposes?

Someone who won't make a drastic decision - on a vasectomy, on whether to ha e another baby...

I may be in the minority here, but I suspect he would be fine with another baby.

You need to get a yes or a no out of him. Ask him if you flipped a coin and proceeded with the result of the coin toss, would that be ok or does he have any strong feelings.

Hmm. Well it seems that gentle “we should think about not being irresponsible like this” comments in a drip-drip fashion are proving more successful than tackling it head-on, based on another brief exchange last night. I get the feeling he’s dipping his toes in the waters of imagining another baby. Time will tell, but this thread has been very cathartic for me at least!

We have a conclusion!

There are fundamental issues with our set up (house, my job) which would not work with a third. DH is open to a third but not desperate for one- but is adamant we’d need to sort out the “structural” issues first. Therefore the ball is in my court to decide and make moves (change job, free up time for house sale- really the job is the main one) towards a sustainable lifestyle with 3 if that is what I want.

So... kind of helpful, and kind of not. But at least we’ve finally spoken!

Good to hear OP good luck with your decisions!