Experience getting DH to discuss family planning

[HappyGoLuckyGo]

I’m wondering whether anyone has had a similar experience to me. We’ve got 2 DC and ever since the second one was born I’ve been really broody. But also flip-flopping on whether I want a third due to practicalities. DH refused to express an opinion, saying that I don’t know what I want so he doesn’t want to get into it.

A couple of weeks ago, on a long car ride which was just the two of us so no distractions etc, I said I’d like a third and to start trying in the next few months. He again refused to engage. I’m bringing it up often as I want a discussion and conclusion, even if that’s “no bloody way, end of story”. He’s very relaxed but has used the phrase “taking by the throat”. Not good. Probably IABU.

However I’m now not using contraception because my latest attempt was giving me 12 day cycles, and no sex works better for me than bleeding more than 1 week in 2! Which means that we’ve graduated to using the pull-out method, which as we all know... is not a method.

Works for me, as I’ll probably get my baby. And I made it clear to him that it was his choice to carry on knowingly. But this seems like a very silly situation. The advice I would give myself is pretty obvious (insist on condoms, wait for him to be ready to talk), but I’m wondering if anyone has had experience of getting their partner to engage in a discussion under similar circumstances?

Other posters are right to tell him you're insisting on condoms. The consequences are mostly on you with a pregnancy.

Any man can get a vasectomy if they're done having children.

He could at least make an appointment to have a discussion with his GP to get the information.

What on earth is ' taking by the throat '?
I wouldn't continue having unprotected sex when he won't have a conversation about it.

Sorry, someone else asked upthread. Taking by the throat, like... harassing? Forcing the issue? It’s a translation from another language we use in the house, so maybe it doesn’t make sense in English. Like “you won’t let it go, stop taking me by the throat [on this issue]”. Badgering someone. That’s the gist.

So to be clear, he says you are badgering him about it?

Yes. Which in fairness I probably am, but I want to hear his thoughts- even if those are “I’m not sure, I want time to think, can we talk about it at the start of September?”.

Maybe back off for a few weeks OP in terms of trying to discuss it. There's no massive rush is there?

But definitely insist on condoms in the meantime.

Ok well I think in your position I would say no sex until it’s been discussed. I would also suggest couples counselling as a space in which you can both have that discussion in a somewhat structured way. He’s basically just shutting down the conversation and that’s not a healthy way to communicate. Does he do this with any other issues?

He’s very relaxed but has used the phrase “taking by the throat”.

This saying means to seize the day right now. As in 'grab life by the throat' idioms.thefreedictionary.com/grab+by+the+throat#:~:text=If%20you%20grab%20someone%20or,grab%20life%20by%20the%20throat. So I would see it as him saying you should actively go for it, and not be passive about it. What else would it mean? Presumably not kill an unborn baby by throttling it or something.

But if it's a translation from another language, does it not have the same implication in that language?

OP, I thinonthatnifnot is this difficult to get him to talk about it then you must know, realise and accept that he is not going to he on the same page as you.

Otherwise, why would he be kicking the cam down the road on this? He is avoiding the conversation because he knows he isn't going to say what you want to hear and fears starting a walk down that road.

You’ve got your answer though really haven’t you? He’s not saying no and he’s not saying yes, he’s avoiding it. That’s a no freaky isn’t it.

Either he’s not sure, he is sure it’s a no but can’t break it to you or he’s disengaged and doesn’t care.... hopefully not.

Have you asked how he’ll feel when you conceive a third baby? Does he know you wouldn’t abort as you want another one? Is he aware that pulling out is basically ttc?

It’s one thing discussing another child in the abstract and it’s annoying he’s refusing to engage on it but I think that ship has sailed anyway as you’re having regular unprotected sex and that has consequences.

Tell him, or send him a message or an email that you're having another baby if you conceive from him having unprotected sex and therefore you assume he’s on board with it. If he’s not it’s his responsibility to sort contraception because you’d rather not be celibate in your early 30s.

If that doesn’t force a frank chat then you do have bigger problems because you’ll have a husband who can’t/won’t communicate with you.

But if it's a no, how come he's being so irresponsible with contraception? OP says he knows she wouldn't have an abortion.

OP have you asked him how he would feel if you had a surprise 3rd pregnancy? Maybe he wants a third but doesn’t think it’s practical but still wants it. If you see what I mean. So he doesn’t want to actively try for another baby or talk about actively trying but he does want it to ´accidentally’ happen? Although I agree with you that the pull out method as contraception is not really effective enough to call it a ´surprise’ if it happens. I agree with you that he’s been unreasonable by refusing to have a conversation about this though.

I think I’ve done a bad job of explaining the “by the throat” point- we definitely use it to mean “badgering someone” although I’m aware of Carpe Jugulum ie “seize the day”.

I did say to DH as I headed out earlier: “we need to talk about this morning (ie contraception) because there’s going to be a consequence and you’re going to be angry” (not that angry is quite the right word but the kids were around so I was trying to be brief and cryptic!), and he said “why would I be angry?”. Although he clearly knew what I was referring to. Baffling!

Some good advice on this thread though, so thank you. Am taking it all in and thinking what to do next! I’d be happy with another baby but it would require new car/new house(!) and other changes, so I’d really rather we discussed it than gambled without a conversation. And DH is perfectly fine saying no to me about things, so I don’t think it’s that I’m a terrifying monster and he’s paralysed with fear at my potential reaction to him saying no...

You are not in mutual agreement about DC3.
He does not want to take responsibility for either the decision or contraception.
You have to take responsibility for contraception until a final decision has been made.
It isn't right but it's probably for the best.
Is the diaphragm still an option?

Funny you should mention that; I looked into it but I’ve not managed to get anywhere. Sexual health clinics near me seem to cater for everybody except an average mum who wants a non-long-acting solution...

That's ridiculous
Family planning clinics are there for all women
There are multiple pills, patches ,injections, several options of coil, diaphragm, implant
Make sterilisation is a 20 minute procedure done under local anaesthetic to any male who can articulate that his desire to have more children is over
Please don't leave these things to chance ... this is why I am so busy in my job

Agreed- but I can’t get through on the phone, and when I choose the option to not get the pill online but discuss other methods... it takes me to a message about getting the pill online, and then hangs up on me

But anyway, that’s not the point. I can sort out contraception, but I don’t want to- and I’m not clear on whether DH actually wants me to!

I think like many men .Hes not keen on Condoms ,but less keen on no sex! He is playing Russian Roulette here with you .On the one hand hes getting what he wants ,on the other hes risking his arm .If you do get pregnant will he be pleased secretly maybe ? I would ask him again what he feels .If you do get pregnant you dont want the poo to hit the fan!

But apparently men “our age” (v early 30s) don’t get them.

Rubbish.
My DH had the snip at 27

I suppose the challenge I have is, why should I be “taking responsibility” with respect to contraception, when I’m the one who wants the baby and have made my views blindingly obvious? By stating them directly and proposing a concrete timeline for TTC, with my reasoning exposing. It’s a bit frustrating.

From his actions it’s obvious he isn’t interested in trying for another baby however he hasn’t the balls to tell you explicitly, I assume as he knows you’d be upset or it would start an argument.

You need to take time to decide whether not having a third child is a dealbreaker for you and your timeline. I’d then have a very frank discussion and lay your requirements out i.e, the long term plan with having more children and contraception. If he fails to discuss this simply insist on condoms.

It would frustrate me no end not being able to have an adult discussion with my partner about something so important.

Agreed! I am very frustrated and am desperately trying not to show it as I’m sure it won’t help, if he is in fact just taking some time to come to terms with my suggestion. I think I’m failing

The child isn’t a dealbreaker, at all. I would not leave DH over it, and if he said a firm “no”, then that would be that. The person who wants the fewest gets their way. It’s the lack of a clear plan that’s frustrating me- for example, I’m thinking about changing job but if we want another baby then I’ll stay at my company, where I’m established, for the foreseeable. Either option is fine, and exciting- I just want to know which we’re aiming for! (Appreciating that either we could have fertility issues or we could have a genuine contraceptive failure.)

I was in your position, with me open to having another child and my partner not keen. He kept putting off arranging the snip and relying on pull-out until, inevitably we conceived.

He was self-blaming but also very down and distant from me for the first 3 months, which was hard when I needed his support. I then miscarried and he was very supportive, but I he still hasn’t made an effort to arrange a vasectomy and our sex-life is almost non-existent now. I made it clear that if he attempts to have sex with me without a condom, we are effectively TTC, which has put paid to his attempts. I don’t know why saying this out loud to him is somehow ‘making it real’; in all other areas of his life he is a decisive, capable person.
I’m finding this behaviour so disappointing and confusing.

So I would say, you need to have a frank discussion somehow, if you think there’s a chance he could act the way my partner did, as it will ruin your pregnancy and potentially the early days of having a young baby. He would almost certainly learn to love any child the same as your others, but it’s very unfair of him to passively leave things to chance when he actually has a preference and a choice.

I think you just need to say no sex until you've had a frank conversation. If refusing sex is a big issue, you have more serious things to discuss than whether or not you want a 3rd child. Just lay off it for a month or two. Let him ponder things. Surely, he'll have to figure out a solution if he wants to continue to have a sexual relationship with you.

That said, there are lots of other options for yourself. I work in sexual health and I didn't find it hard at all to go back on the pill or get the coil when I wanted during COVID. My local clinic couldn't get me in fast enough to discuss contraception (some of which needs to be done remotely, but things like a coil, can easily be schedule, I had my coil done in less than a week). There definitely are options, including, of course, abstinence, which many of us have to do when we are deciding whether we are finished having children.