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Original poster

What a mess, advice needed please

96 replies

Anon2000 · 19/06/2021 23:42

Hi All
So been on mumsnet a while, but dont often ask for advice.
I was married for around 20 years, was with xh from 16 and now divorced. Have been with MM 2.5 years and really need help to let go and move on. I know I'll get flamed for this but I love him and really need help to move on. He's only the second person I've ever let close and it's so hard to let go. No chance of NC either Sad

OP posts:
Ciaobaby92 · 20/06/2021 01:40

I am close to someone that this happened to, except in her case the affair lasted 7 years. She still had to work with the guy, so it was awkward but she managed it. Over time, the feelings went away and he became like any other colleague.

It might be that you are suffering with some sadness from your divorce, and are with the MM to subconsciously keep yourself unavailable for healthy relationships, for fear of being hurt again.

You are obviously unhappy with this choice you have made. I am hoping you are able to stay away from him, and focus on yourself. Make new friends, find new hobbies, exercise, whatever. I think you will have a different perspective of this relationship, once you really start taking care of yourself. Best wishes OP 🌻

FetchezLaVache · 20/06/2021 03:21

Why is there no chance of NC? (Because that is the obvious way forward for you...)

Sillawithans · 20/06/2021 07:55

Keep reminding yourself of how shitty the pair of you are being. Read threads on here from devastated wives who's lives have been turned upside down by affairs.

If you want honest opinions from other posters then post as a man as women involved in affairs nearly always get a pat on the back or a there there.

MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 07:59

How would you feel if you were his wife?

He's not a decent guy to do that to his wife.
No if's, buts, ands or maybes. He's not.

You won't find happiness while you're involving yourself with people who have no basic integrity.

RealisticSketch · 20/06/2021 08:03

You don't know yourself as someone who is not in a relationship. They're is a while version of you that lies unearthed and that's a big change but would be very worth it because your next partner could come into your life from a place of you knowing exactly what the real whole you is about.
What you are doing is very damaging and hurtful, I'm sure he has told you enough of a justification why he can be married but with you for it to be somehow acceptable but ultimately this is doing your self esteem no good at all which undermines your ability to step away from him it's a negative cycle which isn't going to get easier to break.
Picture someone you love and respect and imagine telling them what you are involved in, imagine trying to justify it and what they would say/think. Get some perspective to try to cool these feelings, or at least make it easier to turn away from them.
In the long run this relationship will do you more harm than good.

Original poster
Anon2000 · 20/06/2021 08:54

I remind myself all the time how shitty it is. Neither of us had ever done anything like it before, but yes it has really affected my self esteem and I'm now in a really low place which feels like a kind of grief, which makes it harder to let go, but I know I need to.
I don't mind the replies saying how awful I am, I know it and I've been on MN long enough to have read them all, it's just amazingly hard to get yourself out of when you've got yourself into something you never expected to and let yourself fall in love with someone who you'll never be with.
NC is because of work, I would be the one who would have to leave. I've spent years working towards where I am now and there aren't any similar jobs even remotely local. I can't move away because of kids and I cant afford to take a drop in salary as a single parent. I also love my job, so I just have to find a way to deal with seeing him regularly and working together Sad
Hes just started seeing a counsellor to try and understand it all, I would go back to the one I had at the end of my marriage, but I cant afford it just now as a good couple of years on, exh (who was emotionally abusive an sexually coercive) still wont move out and sell the marital home, so I'm stuck in limbo until it goes to court this year (everything takes so long!).
I am trying to minimise contact as much as possible to get my head clear, but it's really really difficult.
Thank you all for your honest and considered responses.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 09:14

Hes just started seeing a counsellor to try and understand it all

Are they going to counsel him into having basic integrity?

MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 09:17

You keep talking about being in love, having fallen in love ... It reminds me of a line from the crappily titled but otherwise surprisingly excellent "he's just not that into you" ... it's something to the effect of "no matter how special or epic or exceptional you feel a connection is, no matter how much you think it's "love", if both people are not truly free to form that connection; it's not really love".

Bagelsandbrie · 20/06/2021 09:18

You’ll never get over him whilst you still work together. Yes it will be a pain in the arse leaving and finding something else but in years to come you’ll be pleased you did. Better than feeling like this. Cut all ties and block him.

HaplotypeK · 20/06/2021 09:21

Advice? Stop being a desperate bit on the side for some wanker in your office who's married to someone else. It's degrading and immoral and stupid.

jelly79 · 20/06/2021 09:41

You have a lot of choices but you are choosing not to take them

He's got his cake. Keeps his wife. Gets the counselling, stays in his job. What's he doing for you?

MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 09:45

You went from one type of abuser to another subtler type.

There's a real predatory, exploitative side to married men who shag vulnerable women (and you are following your abusive relationship), no matter what confused good guy act he bullshits you and himself with.

BootsieBarns · 20/06/2021 10:10

How do you honestly know he hasn't done it before? genuine question. Because really all you have is his word to go on, you can't get a feel from interacting with his family and friends because you are a secret. This is why a lot of men go for affairs because they can create the narrative to be what they want without it going unchallenged.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 20/06/2021 10:14

Why won't he leave his wife?

RantyAnty · 20/06/2021 10:34

It does sound like you have several problems here.
One is being forced to live with your ex.
The affair with someone you work with. Is he your boss?
Being in an area with limited work opportunities.

How old are you DC?

MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 10:34

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Why won't he leave his wife?
Because op has been shagging him for two and half years without him having done so?
MandalaYogaTapestry · 20/06/2021 10:52

That's not an answer

Original poster
Anon2000 · 20/06/2021 10:58

To answer a few questions. I'm not living with exh, I left the home and rented to get away from his escalating behaviour. I'm also paying all joint debt which is all in my name as he wont agree a settlement so I'm struggling financially at the moment.
Hes my boss and he definitely hasn't done this before, I have no reason to doubt it. But I don't think that really changes anything.
Why wont he leave his wife? Hmm
I guess he just doesn't want to, ultimately.

OP posts:
Audo · 20/06/2021 10:58

I had one of these. I wish I hadn't.

HaplotypeK · 20/06/2021 11:00

Hes my boss and he definitely hasn't done this before, I have no reason to doubt it.

It genuinely boggles my mind that you are so naive. Literally what you know about him is he's a lying cheat. And yet you 'have no reason to doubt him'. So stupid.

MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 11:03

@MandalaYogaTapestry

That's not an answer
It so is.
MarshmallowAra · 20/06/2021 11:04

I guess he just doesn't want to, ultimately.

The op is in the middle of the situation and yet actually has more cop on than you.

Original poster
Anon2000 · 20/06/2021 11:14

@HaplotypeK
I don't blame you for thinking that or calling me stupid, but I've known him for a long time. And I'm still not sure it would make a difference other than to view him as a 'player', which there would be no point to because he just isn't. Which is not to justify anything.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 20/06/2021 11:14

OP, the reason he won’t leave his wife is because he doesn’t love you enough to do so. It really is that simple.

You say you love him but he’s currently the man in your life. Whereas you’re just his bit on the side, his shag he turns to when he doesn’t want to shag his wife. And he will still be sleeping with his wife, no question.

He doesn’t actually love you. You’re just convenient for him to sleep with. If he loved you he would want to be with you, and he doesn’t.

Affairs happen, I’m not going to pretend that I think they’re ok because I don’t, but they do happen and in some instances they signify the end of one relationship and the beginning of another. But in this case that’s not what’s happening. And given he’s not given you any reason to believe he wants to be with you you are the one who will never move forward.

You need to be strong here. Tell him it’s over and that you’ve signed up to a dating app. Even if you haven’t, he doesn’t need to know that. He needs to realise that he’s as unimportant to you as you are to him. Right now he can keep you where he has you because he believes that you want him and only him, and he is using that to his advantage.

You can do better, and while you continue to sleep with him you are complicit in what he is doing. You say you know what an awful person that makes you, but do you really? Is that how you want to be seen by the rest of the world? By his children? His family? Your colleagues when they find out?

affor · 20/06/2021 11:16

OP I get it. Been there, got the t-shirt.

Thinking about his wife, thinking what an awful person he must be, thinking he must be a liar and you're naive is all bullshit. It doesn't help, but goady posters on here love to tell you you're a fool and just a shag.

The reality is people just don't often risk everything for just a shag. And if they do, it's one night stands or quick dalliances. They don't maintain the affair for months or years unless feelings are involved.

Does it make it better? No. Does it make it easier? Hell no. But the idea that everyone who has an affair is a serial liar and cheat is just stupid. And proved wrong on this site daily.

I was 1000% convinced mine would work out right because I knew him. And none of my reasons proved wrong, but I was living in a fantasy world where we could just be a happy family after the fact. In the end, the guilt of what it would do to his wife and children was too much and we broke up. He spiralled from a mixture of guilt and being unhappy without me and is now severely depressed which is impacting on the family he tried to protect (albeit late).

I did the same, came very very low, and though better am still not over it. We also can't go NC due to work though thankfully I have moved jobs but we still cross paths.

We were together a year and broke up
4months ago, and I don't see myself getting over it anytime soon. People talk of limerence and fantasy but I fell in love with this man and still have to grieve for it all.