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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a mess, advice needed please

96 replies

Anon2000 · 19/06/2021 23:42

Hi All
So been on mumsnet a while, but dont often ask for advice.
I was married for around 20 years, was with xh from 16 and now divorced. Have been with MM 2.5 years and really need help to let go and move on. I know I'll get flamed for this but I love him and really need help to move on. He's only the second person I've ever let close and it's so hard to let go. No chance of NC either

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 21/06/2021 21:33

2.5 years you have been having a relationship with this man whilst knowing he was with another woman, a woman he has married and had children with.

I personally think it is pointless advising you, if you still work with him and your boundaries initially were so weak then I don't think you have the strength to stop now that you state you love him.
You even have the ordacity to keep quiet only for the reason of loosing your job, you are a wife's worst nightmare.

I also think he doesn't love his wife, not real love anyway. It's a money thing, he wants to keep the money, probably more than his children.
It wouldn't bother me if you told the wife and you ended up with the 'prize, why not?

In my eyes you are both as bad as one another and probably much more suited than his wife who is just a unsuspecting mug in this horrible scenario.
Why after 2.5 years are you suddenly questioning your morals, is he becoming bored of you, treating you with even more contempt than he openly has done by having you as his second bit of wool.

Good god, why do you not have more respect for yourself, never sleep with a man who is openly telling you he sleeps with another, thats basic relationship info you should have learnt by the time you were 5.

Stop laughing at this woman behind her back, if she ever find's out she will hate herself for feeling like the biggest fool on earth.

Well done, you have ruined someone's life.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 21:37

Has he ended it then op?

Onthedunes · 21/06/2021 21:40

@Bluntness100

I thought that too, him going to counselling indicates, wife could have found out.

Original poster

Anon2000 · 21/06/2021 21:53

No he hasn't, it's me who is trying to. For all the reasons everyone has said. The counselling is for his own reasons, nobody knows (to my knowledge). I never expected to be in this situation and if you'd have asked me before I would say 100% that wouldn't be me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 21:59

What do you mean trying to? You either end it or you don’t. It’s like being pregnant, you either are or you aren’t,

Onthedunes · 21/06/2021 22:06

Do you actually know why he's at councelling. ?

Many men do not willingly go to councelling due to guilt over a continuing affair unless they have been found out, or his relationship has broken down so much at home and he's been advised to go to anger management due to domestic abuse.

Do you think his behaviour towards his wife is becoming worse as he tries to juggle you and her in his life?

johnd2 · 21/06/2021 22:09

I feel like some of the posters on this thread have more emotional issues and baggage about the ops problem then the op has themself!
To everyone else, if the ops problem is triggering for you, get off the thread! You're not her mum and she is not a naughty toddler.
To the op, sorry i don't have any advice although of course your feelings are valid and real, hope you can get to a place where you can deal with them and move on.

Original poster

Anon2000 · 21/06/2021 22:45

I appreciate all the comments, the harsh ones are totally deserved, and I am trying to find a way forward. Some of the practical advice has been really helpful. I do know why he's going to counselling, he hasn't been found out and he doesn't have anger issues, a long way from it, and god knows I would recognise it. As laughable as it will seem to say he is a genuinely nice person, apart from this truly awful thing, which makes it harder. Believe me I know it sounds a bizarre thing to say in the circumstances, but it's the truth of it.

OP posts:

Elisandra · 21/06/2021 23:01

It doesn’t sound bizarre at all, OP. Most people who post on here about affair partners say something along the lines of ‘honestly, he’s a genuinely nice guy’. It’s par for the course. But with the rose-tinted glasses off, his actions in pursing an affair undermine any other nice behaviour. He is not a nice man. Nice men do not behave like this.

Onthedunes · 21/06/2021 23:04

No disrespect op, but you are not seeing the real him.

Of course he presents himself as lovely, I'm sure he is, but behind closed doors he has been investing his time and emotional energy on you. That will definitely have had an effect on his marriage and if he is the type of person to lie and decieve his wife for 2.5 years he is the type to conceal how he treats his wife to others.

You are niave to think you know this man as his wife does.

Also @johnd2, I'm sure the op appreciates your defence of her but by her own admission it seems she is searching for reasons to end this relationship and if others can point out harsh realities then maybe that is of more use to her than some bleeding heart liberal who makes excuses for affairs.

Affairs are devastating for the hurt party, real suicidal feelings that should not be minimised by society.
If all the posters who had been affected by affairs left this thread for the good of the op, there would be about 3 answers.
But if you wish to patronise posters for not understanding and empathising with adulterers, do so.

Elisandra · 21/06/2021 23:05

However, as long as you continue to believe that “he’s a genuinely nice person... that’s the truth of it” you are going to struggle to end it.

It’s like your insistence that you know you are his first affair - it’s a belief to protect yourself from the grotty full reality of your situation.

Original poster

Anon2000 · 21/06/2021 23:27

The problem with people saying that I'm naive in thinking I'm his first affair or that he must be some sort of secret wife beater is that they dont add anything to the the reality. I know they're not true so I cant just trick myself that they are to make myself hate him. You may ask how I know, but I have very good reasons for knowing this.
I'm going to focus on the many more realistic points made by many of you to keep trying to reinforce my mindset.

OP posts:

johnd2 · 22/06/2021 00:05

@onthedunes consider that a professional therapist is trained to help with exactly this kind of problem using scientifically proven effective techniques. It's always illustrative to consider how close my own and others' interventions are to proven effective ones.

Onthedunes · 22/06/2021 00:17

@johnd2

Oh, you're not the famed John the therapist of the StonedRoses thread are you ?

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 22/06/2021 06:47

I’m not getting why you are so hung up on weather he has cheated before, or that you are the first one or not.
How does that make it better. He’s still a morally bankrupt,lying cheat. He’s his own top priority, not you nor his family.
Even if you are the first person he’s cheated with it doesn’t mean you are special and he loves you, if that were the case he’d have left his wife and now be with you, but he doesn’t want that. You are focusing on the wrong thing here, focus on ways that you are going to be able to continue working where you are, whilst bringing this pointless situation to a close.

Lex345 · 22/06/2021 07:09

Nice people do not humiliate their spouse for 2 and a half years by cheating on them OP. He is not a nice person. He may be nice to you, but have a think about why that is. If you truly want to get over him and move on you need to open your eyes and see him for what he is: a liar, a cheat and selfish.

Original poster

Anon2000 · 22/06/2021 08:00

@Hopingforabagofbuttons
Sorry if you got the wrong impression, I'm not focussing on that as I've said in my previous posts I dont think it matters and I don't think it makes it any better and i don't think its hugely relevant. I was just making the point that theres no point in posters saying he's surely done it before and using that as a reason to hate him as a serial cheat. And that I need to focus on the real reasons why I need to bring it to an end, so essentially we are in agreement.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 08:57

This, can you see this OP? Even if she thinks he's treating her well, the fact is that he isn't.

Every time he spends time with you, shares confidences with you, continues emotionally investing in you, kisses you, touches you, has sex with you - every time he does those things he is lying to her, betraying her and creating a moment that will devastate her if she finds out.

Her mental health will be taking a battering now if he's pulled away and become distant, or will take a battering if she finds out. You must have met her. How cruel to know what you've done and face her. Probably smiling - she probably thinks you're lovely.

You may well both be nice and lovely at other times but at the moment through your actions you are bringing out the worst in each other - a side in each other capable of lying and cheating. Everyone thinks their AP is different, the exception to the rule. But the rule exists for a reason.

You are naive to think you know this man as his wife does.

Also this. You know the bits of him he's chosen to show you. She has known him first thing in the morning to last thing in the evening in real, everyday life.

They have in jokes. Countless memories. A family. She knows his parents, siblings, oldest friends. They have kissed, snuggled, had sex - he has been besotted with her and said the things he says to you. And is either playing you by now pretending he only does / feels those things with you or he does only feel those things for you and is too cowardly to end it with her and too cruel to stop having an affair.

Anon1974 · 22/06/2021 09:03

He doesn’t love you.
There is no future.
You are not respecting yourself.
He may be as confused as you - but he will not leave his wife and children. There are many reasons - kids, mortgage, lives so entwined that pulling them apart is too difficult.
Maybe he does love you. But he doesn’t love you ENOUGH.
Just remember - if he really wanted you, he would have left his wife.
If you end things and he really loves you - he will come and find you. At the moment he just gets to have the best of both worlds. And one day he will end it with you and you will have nothing. His wife and kids, his image of himself, he will not sacrifice that for you. You are a bit on the side and he doesn’t respect you.

You deserve better than this. There are lovely men out there. You need to start taking steps to meet them and start living your life.

He is someone else’s problem. Be thankful for that.

Livinglearning · 22/06/2021 09:53

I would see it as fighting a powerful addiction - it is that. It’s a dopamine habit. Very hard to kick it. He will move on and find someone else. It’s hard to hear…but if he is not willing to leave his wife he will find a new hanit, chasing that fix and thrill.
You need someone who loves you honestly and you are worth it.
Trust me - I’ve been there.

Chocolate123 · 22/06/2021 10:01

Does it really matter if it's his first affair or his 5th at the end of the day he's cheating on his wife and you are enabling him. But if it wasn't you it would be someone else. Of course he's not going to leave his wife unless she finds out and kicks him out then he'll come running to you until someone else comes along. You are the only one who can change this situation and it sounds like you don't as you are putting obstacles in the way.

Original poster

Anon2000 · 22/06/2021 10:19

@Chocolate123
No, it doesn't, im in agreement as per all of my posts. I'm not putting obstacles in the way, but this is not something I need to focus on when there are much more relevant ones.

OP posts:

Chocolate123 · 22/06/2021 10:31

But you are putting obstacles in the way fair enough you can't leave your job for reasons mentioned but you can finish it and just deal with him on a professional manner only. It's your choice at the end of the day he's not going to finish it as he's having his cake and eating it

CraftyYankee · 22/06/2021 10:35

OP until you value yourself and your integrity more than this man you will struggle to end it. How can you improve your self worth?

CorVoisier · 22/06/2021 10:44

It's not about him being a 'secret wife beater' or other affairs he may or may not have had.

He has been cheating on his wife with you for over two years. That is enough.

He is a nasty, degraded, amoral, repugnant weasel. Nothing about this situation is unusual or special. It's tawdry, tired old bullshit.

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