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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New to OLD

60 replies

GinTonicIce · 19/06/2021 20:27

Hello, I’ve been chatting to a few lovely men via a OLD app. 2 asked me out for a drink quite quickly - within 24 hours. But the one I really like still hasn’t asked me. How long of pen palling do you do before writing it off? We’ve swapped numbers (my suggestion) and he has instigated all whatsapp convos so I think he’s interested.

I know I could ask him but in my last relationships I’ve been the boss/mother & that resulted in resentment. I’m looking for someone who will take the initiative this time.

OP posts:
Imjustsootired · 19/06/2021 21:23

Always the one you like that doesnt ask Grin
From my experience, just suggest it. Some men are worried about being too forward.

Just say 'we should grab a coffee next week if you fancy it...' nothing heavy and see what he says
X

Original poster
GinTonicIce · 19/06/2021 21:27

@Imjustsootired

Always the one you like that doesnt ask Grin From my experience, just suggest it. Some men are worried about being too forward.

Just say 'we should grab a coffee next week if you fancy it...' nothing heavy and see what he says
X

My friend who is also OLD just said the same! The ones you like never ask. He just seems so warm and lovely. The others are fine but he has something…

I really don’t want to ask. I think he will say yes but, and I know I sound like a terrible feminist… I want the man to be a man Blush

OP posts:
DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 19/06/2021 22:11

The problem is the guys who stand out on OLD get lots of interest and therefore expect you to do all the running (in my experience)

JustAnotherOldMan · 19/06/2021 22:13

I really don’t want to ask. I think he will say yes but, and I know I sound like a terrible feminist… I want the man to be a man

Just to Chuck it out there, he might well be chatting to other ladies as well, so if you ask him, out it might push up your interest level so to speak

Original poster
GinTonicIce · 19/06/2021 22:36

Good points. I might give him another day and then hint at something. He’s messaging me all the time but it’s just chit chat. Maybe it’s filling a void for him and he’s happy with pen pals. Oh well… the other 2 are great too.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 19/06/2021 22:50

If it’s chit chat, he might a few chats on the go at once,
Don’t make your hint too subtle as us guys tend to miss that kinda stuff
Try something along the lines of
“chat chat chat etc etc, do let me know if it you want to catch up some time etc”, but in your own words.

todaysdilemma · 19/06/2021 23:29

Tbh I don't ever ask them out. Because it shows me who's genuinely interested vs who's hanging around because I'm making it easy for them.

If he can message you, he can ask you out. And if he isn't, he isn't that keen. I can understand a man not taking initiative because he isn't sure if you'd interest, but on a dating app, he KNOWS you're keen. If he can't make an effort even with it being this easy to judge your interest, he just isn't that into you. It's harsh but will save you wasting effort on men hanging out with you till they meet someone they're really keen for.

Mermaidwaves · 19/06/2021 23:54

I agree with @todaysdilemma, you're both on a dating app, you're chatting, it's obvious you're interested. From my time OLD if a man doesn't ask you out he's not bothered enough. If he's keen he will want to meet you before someone else does!

Lampan · 19/06/2021 23:58

I think you should ask him rather than hint. Or just be prepared that someone else might ask him first. Try not to waste time having endless text conversations, I think there are lots of people on OLD who don’t have any real intentions of meeting up with anyone, best to weed these out early on.

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 00:04

Tbh in my experience 24hrs is a bit quick to decide if you want a date unless they are over keen. On the other hand I wouldn't chat for over a week without meeting up.

It's personal tho. I'm a single mum working FT so couldn't go on a date with everyone I chatted to for 24hrs. I prefer to try and get to know them a little bit first as I find it saves wasting time on actual dates. Often 2-3 days into chatting the vibe changes or something comes up that puts me off or makes me realise we wouldn't be compatible.

I definitely wouldn't be put off by him not asking in 24hrs as I don't think it means he's not keen

Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 07:54

Thanks everyone. It’s only been four days of chatting so not long & I don’t think I’d be questioning if if it wasn’t for the other men being so quick.

I want someone assertive & confident so if he doesn’t ask me out before the week is up that is that. I have two other dates in the week so getting on with this regardless.

OP posts:
kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 09:20

Yip assertive and confident is my type too.

What I've found in reality is guys that I've met too quickly have been the over keen clingy type that come of a bit desperate and it really turns me off.

Appreciate that's a complete generalisation tho.

Also, the reason I prefer to chat for a few days is that I only have 2 free evenings a week and I prefer to spend one of them with friends so I'm quite picky about who I'll go on a date with

Lweji · 20/06/2021 09:24

I'd probably say something about preferring to meet someone earlier rather than later and see if he suggests something.

Godmothered · 20/06/2021 09:43

Honestly just ask him. Met my husband OLD and It took him 4 weeks of chatting and phone calls to pluck up the courage to ask me on a real date. Neither of us were chatting to anyone else but I was getting fed up of waiting.

Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 11:28

@kiddo5467

Yip assertive and confident is my type too.

What I've found in reality is guys that I've met too quickly have been the over keen clingy type that come of a bit desperate and it really turns me off.

Appreciate that's a complete generalisation tho.

Also, the reason I prefer to chat for a few days is that I only have 2 free evenings a week and I prefer to spend one of them with friends so I'm quite picky about who I'll go on a date with

Good point! I’ve never dabbled with dating at all so this is really helpful.

The other two are quite a bit older & I guess used to this malarkey. I’m only going out with one of them. Dating 2 or 3 in one go just seems like hard work!

OP posts:
Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 11:29

@Godmothered

Honestly just ask him. Met my husband OLD and It took him 4 weeks of chatting and phone calls to pluck up the courage to ask me on a real date. Neither of us were chatting to anyone else but I was getting fed up of waiting.
Oh lord! But does he step up in everyday life? My worry is I end up in the same old relationship. They never make a decision and I’m the one pushing things forward whether that’s big or small things.
OP posts:
confused1974 · 20/06/2021 12:57

I'm OLD (but I'm older I don't know if that makes a difference). I follow Female Dating Strategy. If they don't ask me out within 48 hours, I delete them. I only chat on the app until I get asked out. I don't take any crap from them and it seems to be going well. I've had quite a few dates and I now have a shortlist of 4 which I will reduce (I promised them an answer by September as I might be going away and don't want to make rush decisions). I am obviously not slewing with any of them.

I would absolutely not ask him out

coronaway · 20/06/2021 13:06

Which app are you using out of interest? I really struggle to find anyone I like the look of Confused

confused1974 · 20/06/2021 13:24

@coronaway all are fine if you're good at selecting the right people. I'm on hinge, tinder and bumble

coronaway · 20/06/2021 13:30

Thanks but I didn't have any luck on those. I just don't think the apps suit me personally.

IdaArnold · 20/06/2021 13:49

Amazed you can find anyone decent OP! You’re doing well. I’m on Tinder, Bumble and Happn and there’s barely anyone I’d look twice at.

Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 13:59

@confused1974

I'm OLD (but I'm older I don't know if that makes a difference). I follow Female Dating Strategy. If they don't ask me out within 48 hours, I delete them. I only chat on the app until I get asked out. I don't take any crap from them and it seems to be going well. I've had quite a few dates and I now have a shortlist of 4 which I will reduce (I promised them an answer by September as I might be going away and don't want to make rush decisions). I am obviously not slewing with any of them.

I would absolutely not ask him out

You’re a total queen. Love this attitude!
OP posts:
Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 13:59

@coronaway

Which app are you using out of interest? I really struggle to find anyone I like the look of Confused
Hinge. I briefly tried Bumble but Hinge seems like a far more natural way to start a conversation.
OP posts:
Original poster
GinTonicIce · 20/06/2021 14:01

@IdaArnold

Amazed you can find anyone decent OP! You’re doing well. I’m on Tinder, Bumble and Happn and there’s barely anyone I’d look twice at.
I felt the same about Bumble. So many men with the same pose & just awful bios. Why list what you don’t want? These three from Hinge just seem like normal lovely men. Of course I might change my mind after meeting them!
OP posts:
coronaway · 20/06/2021 14:11

@IdaArnold

Amazed you can find anyone decent OP! You’re doing well. I’m on Tinder, Bumble and Happn and there’s barely anyone I’d look twice at.
I hear you!!