New to OLD

[GinTonicIce]

Hello, I’ve been chatting to a few lovely men via a OLD app. 2 asked me out for a drink quite quickly - within 24 hours. But the one I really like still hasn’t asked me. How long of pen palling do you do before writing it off? We’ve swapped numbers (my suggestion) and he has instigated all whatsapp convos so I think he’s interested.

I know I could ask him but in my last relationships I’ve been the boss/mother & that resulted in resentment. I’m looking for someone who will take the initiative this time.

@todaysdilemma

Tbh I don't ever ask them out. Because it shows me who's genuinely interested vs who's hanging around because I'm making it easy for them.

If he can message you, he can ask you out. And if he isn't, he isn't that keen. I can understand a man not taking initiative because he isn't sure if you'd interest, but on a dating app, he KNOWS you're keen. If he can't make an effort even with it being this easy to judge your interest, he just isn't that into you. It's harsh but will save you wasting effort on men hanging out with you till they meet someone they're really keen for.

100 % this

@GinTonicIce thanks and sorry for the spelling mistakes. Rash decisions and sleeping with them (not sleeping with them).

Update - We messaged a bit more yesterday and he sent me a very generic ‘hope you’re having a good day’ message & I haven’t responded. Not heard a peep since. Bit disappointed but I still have a date lined up with one of the others this week.

I’ll be more cut throat next time!

Keep dating that’s good. I found these guys that kept messaging and never arranged dates so odd! My friend reckoned they weren’t single. Who knows, just time wasters.

I once dated a guy that took a month to meet me, I almost gave up and wished I did, turns out he was homeless and living out of hotels, couldn't drive, always quitting jobs, may not always be to that extreme but if you feel they are interested but won't meet, they have something to hide like in bad circumstances or in a relationship.
You're not missing much if you get boring generic messages, they may look good in photos but if there is no thought or personality into the messages it won't get any better.

@seensome

I once dated a guy that took a month to meet me, I almost gave up and wished I did, turns out he was homeless and living out of hotels, couldn't drive, always quitting jobs, may not always be to that extreme but if you feel they are interested but won't meet, they have something to hide like in bad circumstances or in a relationship. You're not missing much if you get boring generic messages, they may look good in photos but if there is no thought or personality into the messages it won't get any better.

So true. Nothing lost if he’s this boring a few days in. Speaking to a few friends this kind of pen pal situation is common. Totally bizarre! It’s not even sexy chat so I don’t know why they bother.

It’s not even sexy chat so I don’t know why they bother.

Those guys are doing exactly the same as you, will have 2 or 3 chats on the go at the same time, they will probably have move ‘invested’, in other chats / people,

I spoke too soon & he messaged last night. Had a chat about our day (today) and we’re meeting for a coffee in an hour.

That’s left me no time to get dolled up & fake tan but I guess it’s a more honest date!

@JustAnotherOldMan

It’s not even sexy chat so I don’t know why they bother.

Those guys are doing exactly the same as you, will have 2 or 3 chats on the go at the same time, they will probably have move ‘invested’, in other chats / people,

Yes and I’m the same. 5 convos running at one time but he’s been sending long messages, asking questions etc. I don’t see the point if it’s a.) not going anywhere or b.) not sex chat or exchanging photos..?

Anyway I might have got this chap all wrong. Will find out during the date. 2 in 2 days… yikes.

I was going to write that some guys might take longer to ask you out so as not to seem like a "player" who asks everyone out quickly without bothering to get to know them. Don't know whether that's the case with this guy but it sounds like you're about to start finding out - hope you'll let us all know how it goes! And good luck!

I do think accepting dates last minute is a bit meh. He should be planning them in advance not just when he’s got nothing on and is bored that day. I hope he picks up his game. Well done fr not asking him out though, he needs a rocket up his butt going forward!

I had an appt & he asked if I wanted to meet afterwards. I don’t think finding a negative in every situation is going to get me far!

How did it go?

Date done! I ended up being so late because my appt over ran.

Oh god he’s really lovely & we laughed a lot. Said he wants to do it again but not sure if he was just being polite. Time will tell.

sending long messages, asking questions etc. I don’t see the point if it’s a.) not going anywhere or b.) not sex chat or exchanging photos..?

Reading this makes me feel about a million years old

@JustAnotherOldMan me too- but also feel very sad that text "sexy chat and exchanging pics" is seen as the norm and a good foundation for a relationship
I could scream ..
Know your worth and respect yourselves ... please !

@66babe what ever happened to buying a girl a couple of Babycham’s and some Pork Scratchings on Friday night, when did all this “sexy chat” become the norm…I think I must have been living in a cave for the last 30 years…

I'm only very late 40s, but sex chat with people you've never met? Or that you've met... I don't really see the point. Just do it, or don't do it, but talk is cheap and I find it cringe (apparently that's how you say it these days, according to my teen).

Any sexy chat with me before even meeting, would result in an instant block. Have standards !

@JustAnotherOldMan I'm waiting for someone to say we are showing our age lol
But as other posters have said .. OLD .. new contact ... first bit of smut and I'm out ..

[quote 66babe]@JustAnotherOldMan me too- but also feel very sad that text "sexy chat and exchanging pics" is seen as the norm and a good foundation for a relationship
I could scream ..
Know your worth and respect yourselves ... please ! [/quote]
Oh lord, I’ve been misunderstood. It’s certainly not what I want or accept. I meant I didn’t understand why men or women want a faux friend and spend all this time messaging back and forth with no upside. If they were getting their rocks off I could understand it.

Glad you have met him now OP. However, if he doesn't ask you out on another date within the next few days, I would give up on him. I would have been a bit put out by the last minute attitude to a date - anything that leaves me feeling rushed and stressed is not very considerate of them. So, he should now put effort into scheduling a proper date in advance. And not just reaching out when other plans fall through or he's a bit bored. Dating still requires people to impress and bring their best selves. If he isn't doing it now, he certain won't further down the line.

Lots of men and women keep messaging going as (a) they have a bench of dates they'll pick up should their front runners not work (b) they're just a bit bored/lonely and like the low effort attention you get from messaging. You deserve effort and lovely dates!

Thank you! We have date 2 lined up after the weekend (we’re both away this weekend). He’s a good soul I think.

I did say I wondered if he was ever going to ask me out & he was surprised thought he wasn’t interested. I guess messaging works well for some but I’d rather just meet up & see if there’s chemistry. Basically… waste as little time as possible!

Perhaps you backing off a bit has stirred him into action! Now he knows you didn’t even think he liked you he may avoid being so laid back going forward. Glad you have the next date set up

Yeah, could have been & it did the job

Went on a date with someone else last night and it was too intense going out for a meal and cocktails. Never doing that again. Casual coffee or walking dates are the way forward for me.

With the meal I was stuck all evening & I was working so hard to keep the convo going. I was exhausted. He’s asked me on a second date which is surprising because we have nothing in common & zero spark. Dating is a minefield for everyone.

Just supports meeting people early. Done and dusted!