How to handle a chronic sulker?

[FridaMo]

I've been with my OH for 7 years now and we are getting married next year. We are generally peaceful and happy but he has a very bad flaw of sulking when he's annoyed. Sometimes it's justified annoyance at me, sometimes less so. He's definitely quick to grumpiness.

My natural urge is to make peace. I want upsets dealt with quickly, including my own, but after so many occasions where my attempt to mend fences was rejected ive become humiliation-averse and i really get annoyed at the sulking now so sometimes i join him and we end up in a deathly silence for days on end. Til he's finally ready to move on. It makes me desperately unhappy. My tolerance for grumpiness and sullenness is very low, i find the protracted punishment painful and unnecessary, and i feel so dispensable. But despite several long, calm conversations about how we handle conflict/how i feel about sulking, and even after regretting missing out on fun plans because he's keeping us in Coventry.. He still defaults to this horrible mode.

I am feeling a bit hopeless and upset.

Any advice.

Gosh OP, my stomach churned just reading your posts. I have been where you are, it's nearly identical and I married him after 9 years anyway... But I can't say my wedding day was the happiest day of my life as it should be. He even sulked about most of the wedding arrangements and went into a huff for days about potatoes.... But I couldn't back out as all the arrangements were done, what would my family think etc etc. 20 years later we divorced, after I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital as he fucked up my head so badly. The divorce was as your can expect, tough.

Rol on a few years later and I go into a realtionship. I had taken my dd to an extra mural activity and exdp was at home. I intended to drop her off, go home and go back for her later. In the end I stayed as the coach asked me to assist, no problem for me. I messaged exdp to say this. When we did get home, he was not speaking to me. We didn't live together and by the next night he was still in a huff about this, so I asked him to leave. He didn't speak to me for days. He ssxually assaulted me and I was obviously upset and did speak to him about it. But his upset was more than mine clearly, and after him assaulting me, he then gave me the silent treatment for a whole week! I ended it then, but he didn't go cold on me for ending it, he harassed me and did the very opposite of the silent treatment I'd be treated to previously . So it's not a 'I am so upset' reaction imo.

I have been through this twice.

Maybe have a think about why a complete stranger would have the reaction I did to your post. You know there is an issue. It isn't going to go away. Don't marry him unless he takes the steps he needs to get to why he is doing this.

All the best OP. 💐

Why are you getting married? Would you want this for a friend, sibling or your own child? This will be your life. Forever!

Not sure if you're still reading these replies, OP, but I hope you are and that you'll come back to the thread.

You said this in your first post -

'We are generally peaceful and happy but he has a very bad flaw of sulking when he's annoyed. Sometimes it's justified annoyance at me, sometimes less so. He's definitely quick to grumpiness.'

What are the situations that make him annoyed? When you say sometimes it's justified annoyance at you, what does he think you've done wrong?

You're being incredibly naive here.

Does he sulk at work when things don't go his way? Thought not. He isn't doing it because he is immature at handling his emotions. It's a deliberate method of showing you he is unhappy, it's designed to manipulate you. Basically a form of punishment to keep you in line.

It's a massive red flag and would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.

It's soul destroying watching one parent run around like a blue arse fly trying to improve the atmosphere caused by the sulking and gradually become less and less themselves because they walk constantly on eggshells.

Well if you don't want DCs you can marry him and work around the consequences but if you DO have DCs what you want for them is a happy home life and loving parents - so you do realise your parenting will have to make up for his silences/ anger/ unpleasant atmospheres, spoilt partys, strained Xmases etc
It will wear you to a frazzle and the DCs will not understand your behaviour as you are so busy hiding his from them. They might think it's their neurotic Mum not their selfish Dad.

@FridaMo

That's really interesting from the perspective of a reformed sulker! I do think his sulking is an emotionally immature way of distancing himself from the hurt feelings.. As well as partly a way to send a message to me (an attempt to be controlling but not intentionally so) I wonder if he feels i dismiss his feelings by wanting to make up so quickly

Surely if he felt like that, he'd be adult enough to actually talk to you about how he feels? I wouldn't bother psychoanalysing him - do you think he writes as much about your feelings??

You're ignoring all the posts here that say to leave him, and latching on to the few that make excuses for him. I understand that you're not going to leave him because some Mumsnet posters say to, but also consider their experience too. Sulking is a form of abuse. Especially when the sulker doesn't sulk with anyone else. And it doesn't get any better.

Here is my rule of thumb for living your best life. Avoid any adult whose moods are bad enough to require your input to manage them.

The only person who can possibly change this behaviour is the sulker themselves. They are choosing not to change it. Why should you even try to dance around them ?

It's just a form of control. Don't join in, don't play the game. Whatever you do, don't marry them.

Why on earth would you even want to marry them?

Blowing up a happy healthy relationship for human flaw and frailty cannot be the first option

Once you see that it's very deliberate behaviour designed to control you and keep you in your place , I really hope that you can see this differently. The onus is not on you to fix his human frailty, it is for him to stop this cowardly behaviour.

You can quite straightforwardly explain that you won't put up with it. The way to avoid blowing up the relationship is for him to stop it.

He is very unlikely to stop because it is behaviour which is really working for him. It's you that feel uncomfortable. You are are trying to work out how to fix it. He is doing fine with it

That l's why I suggest that you put the wedding plans on hold while you work out together whether you truly will accept his control in this way. Let's face it, it isn't going to get better while it's so useful for him.

I wonder if he feels i dismiss his feelings by wanting to make up so quickly

Oh, this is so sad. You have had seven years of being dragged down so that you jump to the conclusion that somehow his behaviour is somehow your fault?

My earnest wish for you is that you get to see an example of a healthy relationship where differences can be examined and explored and a compromise reached.

That is a million miles away from one partner sulking and the other dancing round them trying to make it better.

You can't. You really, really cannot. Only he can make the change. He would need some reason to change his behaviour because it is working out so well for him.

Even to the extend that you are questioning yourself, wondering what you are doing wrong or not doing. Even if he doesn't do it deliberately or consciously, the effect is still that you are trying to solve something that he and only he can do.

I know it seems like mumsnet is so very quick to jump to LB. I think part of the reason for that is that people don't bring their problems here at the first sign of them, but when it's got really bad. Naturally and like an emotionally mature adult, you have tried talking to him about how it makes you feel, and trying to come up with some ways to work together to prevent/manage the situation, and you've only come here to ask that after this strategy has failed. Bless you because nobody can say you haven't tried, you've been trying repeatedly for 7 years!

The thing is as others have said, that it's not your problem to solve it is firmly his and only his, and you can't solve it for him. If after 7 years of him being witness to and and being outright told how it affects you and you trying to come up with a better way to resolve conflict it still happens, it's pretty damming evidence that he does not want to and has no intention to change.

It's totally normal to not want to throw 7 years of relationship away just because mumsnet told you so. You're showing a high level of emotional maturity - ironically your partner is showing the opposite. So here are some questions it might be helpful for you to consider in private.

Not thinking about him and your relationship with him, can you imagine yourself wanting to punish your life partner as your go to strategy when they do something that displeases you? In the full knowledge that it gives them emotional pain and distress. If the answer is no, why wouldn't you? Have a think in depth about why your own strategy does not involve this method.

Imagine if you were a man who did sulk, in the full knowledge that it hurt and distressed your female partner. What other beliefs would you have around relationships, your rights and responsibilities, theirs, and men and women in general.

Imagine that you are a sulker whose partner has just instigated a full and lengthy conversation around your behaviour and you have just been given the information that you had somehow managed to ignore not realised; how it it makes them feel when you do. You now for the first time know that when you do sulking, they feel distressed/powerless/[whatever you have previously told him you feel]. What would you do about your own behaviour? Would you want to change it? Would you do anything to get help to change it? What underlying beliefs would you have to have about your partner and male-female relationships in order to continue to repeat the behaviour?

My suggestion to you is to sit and think through those questions for yourself, thoroughly. After you've done that, have a think about the fact that this hasn't stopped or improved in seven whole years; the best years of your relationship. This will not improve, you have more than enough evidence to prove this. It may well get worse - there are plenty of examples on this thread and on mumsnet in general to show you that the trajectory is often downwards, particularly after marriage, and particularly around children arriving. Given that this won't improve, do you want this for your future self? Do you want this for your future children?

How some handles conflict resolution is important, amongst other things. You have been with him for 7 years. He's been given PLENTY of time to change but doesn't want to. There's just nothing in it for him I'm afraid. In his brain, all he sees is 'My actions = being in a longterm, stable relationship'. It's been working for him pretty well so far, don't you think?

Getting genuinely upset and sulking are a bit different I think. If he's sulking to punish you, it's cruel, childish, and ultimately performative. If he lived alone, who on earth would he sulk in front of then eh? No one, because he wouldn't have an audience.

Sulking is a punishment that is designed for someone just like you. Someone who wants a peaceful house, a good atmosphere, who probably likes talking through problems and feelings and who doesn't get thrills from the drama of arguing (I presume).

The reason why sulking is so cruel is because sulkers often enjoy dishing this punishment. They enjoy seeing you suffer, enjoy seeing how important they are in your life, enjoy you fawning over them, trying to smooth things over. The enjoy watching you struggle. Beware people like that because they are often nasty, manipulative pieces of work. Sulking can become an incredibly effective tool for controlling people too. Often, they won't even tell you what you've done wrong and you end up apologising for all sorts of things because it gives the sulker their little high. It will put you in a subordinate position without them having to even shout at you or even tell you why you have displeased them. Often it's a total power play, which is why they will keep up their sulking for days on end. They want you to buckle and assume a submissive stance whilst they feel like they've won. Don't stay with someone like this. Unfortunately, they have already shown you how massively immature or twisted they are.

If you are determined to stay, just know that it's likely to get worse, not better. Do not fawn over him. Do not apologise unless you genuienly think you've done wrong. Do not be witness to this pathetic show. Leave the house if you have to so he doesn't have an audience to this performance.

Sadly, he had no incentive to change because he's pretty confident you are loyal to him, and once you are out of the door, the relationship will be in such disrepair and trust lost that you might never be able to go back (unless you want to enter a merry-go-round of temporary changes before he starts sulking again).

Good advice from @FinallyHere

Are you a fixer?

Do you think you can change him?

Spin it around, he's training you not to challenge him so often, if they are now infrequent but notable events.

My dh sulks. We are getting divorced. It started after I had ds, if it happened before then there is no way I would have stayed, but once you have kids it gets a lot harder to escape. It started with a day of sulking. In the end each episode would last for several months at a time. He told me it was my fault, I felt that if only I did things right he wouldn’t do it. I walked eggshells and became a hollow shell of my old self. Always trying to understand him and fix things. I’m seeing a counsellor now and realised I was overly responsible for making the relationship work, now I recognise I can only do my 50%.

Look at the list of what makes a healthy relationship you can see that sulking ( not communicating) is in the unhealthy category.

mobile.twitter.com/soundsfakepod/status/1107800736090464258

This is his problem to fix op. It’s not your fault and you can’t fix it. If he is not prepared to change or seek professional help then he won’t change.

But You do have a choice about whether you stay with him though.

@FridaMo....... I've only read pages 1 and 5, but I see that you are getting some very insightful advice, most recently from @FinallyHere, @IAmAWomanNotACis and @EarthSight.

can you imagine yourself wanting to punish your life partner as your go to strategy when they do something that displeases you? In the full knowledge that it gives them emotional pain and distress. If the answer is no, why wouldn't you?

I hope you are still reading and taking this on board. Because there is nothing YOU can do to stop him from 'sulking' (a word that minimises what is actually emotional abuse...) - and this will only get worse. Trust me on this - I speak from decades of very painful experience.

@Veryhungrycaterpillar84

My dh sulks. We are getting divorced. It started after I had ds, if it happened before then there is no way I would have stayed, but once you have kids it gets a lot harder to escape

The amount of times I've read or heard women say 'It was fine or I didn't see any of this behaviour until our first child' is fucking awful. As soon as you're vulnerable, these men take the piss and some become abusive. Parenthood is harder on some than others, but it seems to me that some men basically wait until they've had their child (to pass on their genes), and then all pressure is off. They can act however they want because they think the woman is vulnerable. It's horrible.

It's never wise to marry someone if you have doubts, and you obviously do. Any "flaw" becomes more difficult to live with over time, not less, and it's far harder to leave a relationship once married, especially when you have children. But even without, there could be feelings of failure, fear of what will people think, whether it's your fault etc.

What everyone says is true - he has to want to change and seek help to change AND actually change before you go ahead.

My ex was like this - wouldn't speak to me for days after a minor argument. However he would also be building the argument in his mind to something that it wasn't. So when we finally spoke he would claim I had said things that I hadn't and demand apologies, shout at me etc... I left him.

Yours isn't quite doing that. Is he open to discussing this with a couple's therapist perhaps?

@FridaMo, I married my sulker, and have just divorced him 20 years and 3 kids later. PLEASE don't marry him. I understand how insurmountable it must feel when you contemplate calling things off after 7 years together - the 'sunk cost' fallacy. It is by far the lesser of the two hurdles, though, compared with untangling decades of two lives entwined and co-parenting to consider (this last part is a bloody nightmare). At present, you can choose to walk away and never see him again if that's what you want. Because I didn't leave much sooner (blinded to all the red flags by a dysfunctional upbringing with a sulking and emotionally volatile parent), I get to be re-traumatized on a weekly basis by a controlling abuser who doesn't give a shiny shit about his own children's best interests, only about how he can serve his own agenda.

I feel like the word 'sulking' has a lot to answer for in terms of how it minimizes the abuse that is actually taking place when this behaviour is employed as a tactic to control and punish.

@everythingbackbutyou

I feel like the word 'sulking' has a lot to answer for in terms of how it minimizes the abuse that is actually taking place when this behaviour is employed as a tactic to control and punish.

I agree. It makes it sound like a trivial spat between small children.

Are you completely out of your mind OP, characterising your relationship as happy and healthy.

You have days of being ignored?

Getting married?

Bringing a poor baby into this toxic dynamic?

Dear God, you are a bit miserable now.

Wait till you have the pressure of children/ illness/ career problems and you are utterly stuck with this sulker.

Children raised in a house with a shit atmosphere and you trying to cover it up.

Kindly, you need to give your head a wobble and grow up because you are on a path of utter misery and planning to put a ring on it.

Madness.

Growing up with a sulking parent, is awful. Even when things are okay, you can't relax and enjoy it, because you always know that the slightest thing you do wrong could lead to days of silence. And as a child it's really easy to accidentally say something that sets it off.

I was a very reserved child. Because it wasn't just walking on eggshells, it was living on eggshells.

Silent treatment is abusive. It's a power tactic and it obviously seems to be working on you. I bet if you took a harder look there would be other abusive traits. How to solve this, leave him and whatever you do, don't marry him

@FridaMo

I've seen a lot of queries on here get an overwhelming 'leave him' response but in reality how someone handles their negative emotions within a relationship is something to work on surely. Blowing up a happy healthy relationship for human flaw and frailty cannot be the first option. These aren't daily or weekly rows im talking about. Im talking about much more seldom. But it is a real issue i agree. Which is why im here looking for thoughts

You know what he is doing is a form of control OP. Why does one person want to control another when they are supposed to love them ?

Dont marry him. This is not going to get better. Think about what you want and how you want to be treated.

My ex could go for two weeks without talking to me. I usually ended up apologising to him for something he did in the first place which put him in the mood.

Looking back I cant believe I always apologised to him for what he had done to me. If that makes sense.

I am still unpicking the abuse and control and trauma from my life. He still tries his best to be controlling and still is abusive. Still in contact as we have DC.