How to handle a chronic sulker?

[FridaMo]

I've been with my OH for 7 years now and we are getting married next year. We are generally peaceful and happy but he has a very bad flaw of sulking when he's annoyed. Sometimes it's justified annoyance at me, sometimes less so. He's definitely quick to grumpiness.

My natural urge is to make peace. I want upsets dealt with quickly, including my own, but after so many occasions where my attempt to mend fences was rejected ive become humiliation-averse and i really get annoyed at the sulking now so sometimes i join him and we end up in a deathly silence for days on end. Til he's finally ready to move on. It makes me desperately unhappy. My tolerance for grumpiness and sullenness is very low, i find the protracted punishment painful and unnecessary, and i feel so dispensable. But despite several long, calm conversations about how we handle conflict/how i feel about sulking, and even after regretting missing out on fun plans because he's keeping us in Coventry.. He still defaults to this horrible mode.

I am feeling a bit hopeless and upset.

Any advice.

@scaredsadandstuck

I'd say if you don't want to end it, absolutely 100% insist on counseling for him on his own and both together. It won't get better otherwise.

The only other thing I would say, as someone who was a bit of a sulker in the past (not proud of it), is I don't ever feel like I was doing it to punish or control, but because I felt my hurt/sadness/anger /opinion/whatever it was had not been heard or listened to or discussed, and because I felt there was no point in discussing it as I would never be heard. I sulked as a way of showing that. It's obviously not ok, but it wasn't about control or punishment - but rather communicating (very badly) my feelings. Anyway, I did do a lot of therapy, about a lot of things not this particular issue, and I don't do it anymore, so it can be resolved but with a lot of work on his part.

This is really interesting - I think my DH is like this, but he's only ever done one bad sulk which I pulled him up on, and he got his shit together and apologised for his part in our argument the next time we were in the same room (I sent him an angry but rational text as he was basically ignoring me and I knew it'd be the best way to get through to him).

I suspect he's had more minor sulks in the past but he denied it, but I do think it's happened when he doesn't feel heard / thinks I won't listen.

Does this sound similar to your OH OP? He really does need to grow up. Does he realise how damaging it is to your relationship and that every time he does it he alienates you and pushes you a little further away each time? That ultimately he's breaking up with you slowly, even if he doesn't realise it, because no one should stick around to be treated like that. He needs to know (and really absorb) that when he acts like that he's opting out of your relationship, and one day he won't have a relationship to come back to.

But despite several long, calm conversations about how we handle conflict/how i feel about sulking, and even after regretting missing out on fun plans because he's keeping us in Coventry.. He still defaults to this horrible mode

There's still time not to marry him. He's no prize. Do the ongoing sulks not bore you? Why do his sulks spoil your fun plans, can you not go out and get on with it, without him?

What a married life to "look forward" to...

I wonder if there are t-shirts saying "Sulking. Is. Not. Sexy".

Northernsoullover
I bet he doesn't sulk at work

Quite.

Please, please, please don't marry a man whose default mode is 'horrible.'

Please.

Don't marry him. I spent 20 years with a sulker and it never improved. He didn't learn to communicate like an adult. I know why he was like it, crap childhood, but it didn't help. I once didn't make moves to make friends/pacify him and we didn't speak for 2 weeks. I forgot what he was sulking about
It's an awful life and terrible for any children you may have. If I ever meet another man I like I'm off at the first sulk

This makes me so sad. My father is like this and it was a horrible environment to grow up in. My mum lived in hope of him changing for so many years (because he said he would and was always “so sad” he had upset her). He got worse with age and now she is as bad as him, they have no friends as they have lost them all as they became more and more grumpy and unpleasant.
My mum even says herself that had she left him back when I was a kid and begged her to do so, her life would be so much better.
A relationship with someone like this is not healthy and great the rest of the time, it’s constantly being on edge waiting on his mods to change, the great sulk to appear. I know we can fool ourselves into believing it’s blissful when they are behaving themselves but it’s only with space and distance you see the internal anguish that was caused

Sulking is manipulative behaviour, used to make you feel guilty and placate him. Placating him doesn't work so then you try pleading with him. Please don't do that, please be nice.
That doesn't work so you try ignoring him.
And that doesn't work so you try asking other people how to change him.
You've been together for 7 years and he hasn't changed. Ask yourself how you will leave if you have children and he still does it; if you cant leave him now.

I cannot bear sulking, it's such pathetic childish behaviour. I was in a relationship with a sulker for a while in my early 20s. I eventually ended it.

I've been married for a very long time now to a man who never sulks. It has much to recommend it.

OMG PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM.

Like a previous poster my dad is like this.
Growing up we always had to be careful not to do anything to set him off.
As he’s got older the sulks have got worse, they have lasted months, my mum gets the brunt of it but he’s like it with us too.
Over the years they have missed so many events, days out, dinners with friends, even holidays because he is sulking. My mum is always the one who has to phone & make their excuses.
My parents have been married 47 years, I have lost count of the number of times I have told my mum to leave him. I know she feels she’s too old to leave now & start again without him, I also know she wishes she had done it years ago.
I have grown to really dislike my dad because of his behaviour.

Please think seriously before you go ahead with the wedding, do you really want to spend your life missing out & making excuses because your husband is sulking?

"how someone handles their negative emotions within a relationship is something to work on surely?“
But you have been with him for 7 years!
If he hasn't changed his behaviour by now then he never will.

Are you planning children? Imagine dragging them into this if you are. How they would feel growing up on this atmosphere. How long until they are walking on eggshells around him and having plans spoilt by their horrible, sulking father.

Like ‘me4real’ commented, please don’t marry him. YOU DESERVE BETTER! This will never work out well. No self respecting person would want the life he is offering and only you can make that decision!

Yes, but he's not here looking for thoughts, is he?

Only he can work on this - and does he have any interest or motivation in doing so? If not, you're SOL

it's a strategy that works for him - he throws a strop and you rush around try to smooth things over and are desperate to sort things out. He, on the other hand, is perfectly content to freeze you out and hurt you

All of the above

The seven years of long meaningful conversations about it clearly made no difference did they.

IMHO you should think very long and hard before going through with that wedding OP.

Read up on stonewalling.

I wonder if he feels i dismiss his feelings by wanting to make up so quickly?

There's no point trying to psychoanalyse him, or try and work out 'what you are doing wrong' (aka nothing.)

Your needs are as important as his, you don't have to spend your life catering/pandering to him.

It's 2021, some feminism happened and those days should be gone.

It's fine to put effort into a relationship, but the problems shouldn't be so unpleasant they preoccupy you repeatedly. Also, the other person should be putting an equal amount of effort into the relationship/making you happy. He's not putting the same amount of effort in, or he wouldn't do this (or he'd get help I suppose, but changing behaviour is actually quite hard.)

You actually made me laugh "blowing up a happy,healthy relationship" Are we talking about the dysfunctional relationship you described in your first post,OP? What you have is manipulative and maladaptive behavior from your partner. You'd be crazy af to stay, much less wed yourself with him.

He will NEVER change.

You are imagining things if you think you are intellegent enough to change him.
No ammount of intellegence will make him realise his behaviour is abusive.

Use your intellegence to understand his behaviour is highly manipulative and abusive.
Do yourself a favour and stop, if you think it's bad after 7 years, try 27 years of stonewalling, it will send you crazy.

That's really interesting from the perspective of a reformed sulker! I do think his sulking is an emotionally immature way of distancing himself from the hurt feelings.. As well as partly a way to send a message to me (an attempt to be controlling but not intentionally so) I wonder if he feels i dismiss his feelings by wanting to make up so quickly?
Whatever the reason you can’t fix him, only he can and he hasn’t tried. Tell him that, and that next sulk he stays somewhere else, and you expect him to make progress on his own on how he can stop this behaviour. You can work with him but only with him leading the charge. You are not responsible for his sulks. You have got the 7 year itch - where after 7 years you are not bloody putting up with it and his sulks never spend another night under your roof. Absolutely no wedding while there is this deal breaker behaviour going on.

Sulking isn’t a human frailty like say depression. In adults it is a delightfully satisfying, manipulative punishment where the sulker gets to act hard done by while being really fucking annoying. I’ve sulked. I enjoyed it. I was still angry and it was satisfying. I knew I was being an arsehole though and our relationship was stuffed. Somewhere, deep down, he does too and doesn’t care.

It’s just another stage of a fight, and a really unfair and unequal one. If he chose to fight by smashing things, would you stay for that?

You are in for a lifetime of misery if this crap continues unchallenged. He's already undermined your self esteem and you put more and more of your own needs aside each day. Because you know what'll happen when diddums gets annoyed. You have started actually thinking he's 'justified' in his annoyance. You have to call him out on this. If a friend who cared about you saw his treatment of you, you would be embarrassed, isn't that right? What does that tell you? You sitting there quietly pleading with him. Asking him a civil question 3 times and getting no answer. Trying to judge his mood, checking his face to see are you 'allowed' to feel happy or are you in for a tedious evening.

My dad was a sulker and my mum was a peacemaker. She lasted 46 years....then left him at 71 years of age!!!
As a child of a sulker, I would say DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.
It's soul destroying watching one parent run around like a blue arse fly trying to improve the atmosphere caused by the sulking and gradually become less and less themselves because they walk constantly on eggshells.
It's shit. It's abusive.

Eurgh my husband did / does this, it drives me round the bend. Like you, I hate dragging out arguments and just want to move on and enjoy the day / week without the sour atmosphere. It’s something we’re working on and after several discussions I’ve found that my husband doesn’t do this to punish me, he’s just not very good at communicating his emotions and he needs time to calm down / think / re-group before responding. The more I ‘push it’ the more he retreats and clams up ..but the more he retreats the more annoyed or upset it makes me so it spirals from there.

What we have agreed is that instead of giving me the silent treatment and just ignoring me he will say ‘I need some space / time to calm down, can we agree to talk about this tonight or tomorrow morning?’. This way it shows respect on his part by acknowledging me but I also give him his space. It’s a case of a massive clash in communication styles. It’s still a work in progress for him and we both still need remind each other

@FunTimes2020

Fast forward a few years and imagine him giving your beloved child the silent treatment or ruining a DC's birthday because of one of his moods. You will be treading on egg shells and kicking yourself for not ending the relationship back in June 2021. You deserve better.

My mum was a sulker. She could go for days without speaking to any of us. And half the time we didn't even know why is which of us had 'caused' it.

One year Christmas didn't happen because of her sulking. My brother and I were maybe 10 and 6 years old.
Think about that.

@FridaMo

I've seen a lot of queries on here get an overwhelming 'leave him' response but in reality how someone handles their negative emotions within a relationship is something to work on surely. Blowing up a happy healthy relationship for human flaw and frailty cannot be the first option. These aren't daily or weekly rows im talking about. Im talking about much more seldom. But it is a real issue i agree. Which is why im here looking for thoughts

It's not a flaw, it's abuse. Go and look it up if you don't believe it.

My ex used to do this sometimes. I told him to fuck off out my face until he was over himself.

It's soul destroying watching one parent run around like a blue arse fly trying to improve the atmosphere caused by the sulking and gradually become less and less themselves because they walk constantly on eggshells.

Yes

And just to add to it, my mum is now 75. She's got her own flat in a little complex, she can decorate it how she likes, she can go out with friends, go and see her family, go on holiday all without worrying about setting off a sulk.
She STILL has a physical reaction (starts to shake and cry) if she thinks she's done something "wrong" and worries constantly that she's going to upset people.....that's what 46 years of conditioning does to you!