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Original poster

Fiancé won’t get married until all the restrictions are lifted

76 replies

KitKatLife101 · 19/06/2021 09:54

My OH proposed two years ago now, we was hoping to get married last year. I fell pregnant and hoped that we would get married just with the minimum amount of people allowed due to covid so that our child can be born to married parents. My OH categorically said no he’s not marrying me until he can have the day he wants with ALL the people he want there. It’s really hurtful as to me it seems like the party part of the wedding means more to him than the actual reason for getting married being the legal part. AIBU or would you feel the same …? I don’t care for the white dress or the dancing I just wanted to feel secure knowing I was married and bringing a child into the world to married parents. The child has been born now and due to finances and the day HE wants we may be looking at getting in married in 2023 which to me seems incredibly frustrating.

OP posts:
DrNo007 · 19/06/2021 09:58

You are not being unreasonable in my view. Why not do as DH and I did—quick reg office covid wedding with just two witnesses and then when things open up we will have a full church wedding with all the relatives etc. It’s important for me too to have the security of the legal marriage and I feel happy that we have done it.

Clickbait · 19/06/2021 10:00

YANBU OP. I agree with the compromise suggested above.

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 10:03

Yanbu. You actually want to be married.
He either wants a party or an excuse.

I would tell him that if you are not married you will register the child without him and not put him on the birth certificate.

Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 19/06/2021 10:04

I would absolutely love anything more than that but wait for it he says he wants that moment that we become legally man and wife to be witnessed by his friends as family. I mean generally as far as I thought men were never this sentimental 😂

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2021 10:05

I am wondering if he is using that as an excuse not to marry, or at least to marry you. Given what he has stated to you above I do not think he would be at all amenable to a registry office wedding ceremony.

LittleBlackCat22 · 19/06/2021 10:05

I’m with him I’m afraid. We’re not compromising our day for anything and if the restrictions are back in place next year then we will postpone. It’s not the 1950’s, you’re not going to hell for having a child out of wedlock.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/06/2021 10:06

@HaplotypeK I fear that ship may already have sailed.

Are you financially secure @KitKatLife101

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2021 10:07

Have you registered your child's birth yet?. If not I would seriously consider giving this child your surname rather than his.

Re he wanting all his family/friends there in 2023 it all seems like an excuse to me to spin this out and string you along.

LouHotel · 19/06/2021 10:08

Have you given up or reduced yours at work OP?

Clickbait · 19/06/2021 10:09

LittleBlackCat it's not about going to hell, it's about being financially protected if the OP plans to give up work or go part time to care for her child.

GloriousMystery · 19/06/2021 10:11

@LittleBlackCat22

I’m with him I’m afraid. We’re not compromising our day for anything and if the restrictions are back in place next year then we will postpone. It’s not the 1950’s, you’re not going to hell for having a child out of wedlock.
Congratulations for completely missing the point, which the posters below asking about the OP’s finances and work have grasped.
Babdoc · 19/06/2021 10:11

You have said you wanted your child to be born within marriage.
Your “D”P has shown you that he doesn’t give a shit what you want. It’s all about him.

LittleBlackCat22 · 19/06/2021 10:13

@GloriousMystery “our child would be born to married parents” is a very odd way of wording it if it’s financial security she’s worried about. Sounds more like the idea of having a child born to unmarried parents is what’s bothering her.

Original poster
KitKatLife101 · 19/06/2021 10:23

I already have a child from a relationship I had as a teen and I was very keen to have my second child within a marriage unlike the first time. I’m absolutely financially stable and actually earn considerably more than him.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 19/06/2021 10:24

You're asking the wrong person here. If cv had been around 35 years ago I would have been delighted with a wedding of 5 - the officiant, 2 witnesses, my husband and me.

I don't mind other people's weddings too much, although they can drag, but hated being the centre of attention on my "big day".

Iwonder08 · 19/06/2021 10:25

There is a simple solution to your problem. Sign the paperwork at a registry office so you are happy and have a wedding party he wants in 2023.
Please don't use the advice above suggesting threats and manipulation. Any normal human would react very badly to that.

MaybeCrazy2 · 19/06/2021 10:26

Funny that. My friends boyfriend of 16 years gave the same reason, didn’t want to get married until can invite everyone. They then bought a place, had kids, 16 years later still not married. All because of the party being more important. TBH I don’t think it is the party, he just doesn’t want to marry her.

knittingaddict · 19/06/2021 10:26

[quote LittleBlackCat22]@GloriousMystery “our child would be born to married parents” is a very odd way of wording it if it’s financial security she’s worried about. Sounds more like the idea of having a child born to unmarried parents is what’s bothering her.[/quote]
Some people do care about that. It's allowed.

PanamaPattie · 19/06/2021 10:33

You were hoping to get married. You can get married. He doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry OP.

diddl · 19/06/2021 10:35

@DrNo007

You are not being unreasonable in my view. Why not do as DH and I did—quick reg office covid wedding with just two witnesses and then when things open up we will have a full church wedding with all the relatives etc. It’s important for me too to have the security of the legal marriage and I feel happy that we have done it.
How can you have a church wedding when you're already married?
EarthSight · 19/06/2021 10:37

I agree with @DrNo007 .

The child has been born now and due to finances and the day HE wants we may be looking at getting in married in 2023 which to me seems incredibly frustrating

I hadn't even got to the above quote when I started thinking 'Un-oh, I hope for your sake he's not deliberately stalling, and when covid is over he's not going to be going 'Well we'll get married when I get a promotion, because we'll have more money then' or 'When we get a house/bigger hour we'll get married'.

It seems like he's already using finances as an excuse. Then it will be various family members not being able to attend, or various guests that are getting married at the same time, kids are going through events or exams. Basically it has to be right for everyone else except for you. He's got you pregnant, managed to dodge getting married during that pregnancy, you've given birth and now he feels like he's in no hurry.

He proposed to you two years ago, but did he propose because he genuinely wanted to or because you'd been mentioning it a lot? Could he have done it whilst feeling infatuated? Before you got pregnant, things were more on your terms, but now you've got pregnant and had the baby, they are very much on his it seems. It wouldn't surprise me if this is going to drag on for years or that soon he'll be coming out with 'But we're practically married anyway, do we really need a piece of paper?'.

diddl · 19/06/2021 10:38

I can see his point if there are particular people that he wants to witness the ceremony.

But circumstances change & I think if you had wanted to marry before your baby was born he should have respected that.

It is sounding as if he doesn't want to marry!

knittingaddict · 19/06/2021 10:39

Depends on the Church. I've known loads of Christian friends have a register office marriage and then have a religious wedding with no restrictions on where or how it had to be conducted. No idea if the C of E would do this, but lots of other denominations and non-denominations will.

knittingaddict · 19/06/2021 10:40

Sorry that was to diddl

How can you have a church wedding when you're already married?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 19/06/2021 10:40

I am assuming they mean a blessing diddl. We plan to do one for our 10th anniversary.

I worry that he is finding reasons to not marry you.