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Original poster

Fiancé won’t get married until all the restrictions are lifted

76 replies

KitKatLife101 · 19/06/2021 09:54

My OH proposed two years ago now, we was hoping to get married last year. I fell pregnant and hoped that we would get married just with the minimum amount of people allowed due to covid so that our child can be born to married parents. My OH categorically said no he’s not marrying me until he can have the day he wants with ALL the people he want there. It’s really hurtful as to me it seems like the party part of the wedding means more to him than the actual reason for getting married being the legal part. AIBU or would you feel the same …? I don’t care for the white dress or the dancing I just wanted to feel secure knowing I was married and bringing a child into the world to married parents. The child has been born now and due to finances and the day HE wants we may be looking at getting in married in 2023 which to me seems incredibly frustrating.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/06/2021 10:45

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I am assuming they mean a blessing diddl. We plan to do one for our 10th anniversary.

I worry that he is finding reasons to not marry you.

I would have thought so as I didn't think that you could take your vows twice.

Could be wrong though!

Farwest · 19/06/2021 10:46

Well, if you are working and childcare is sorted and finances okay... I think he has a point. In your particular situation, there is no reason to marry and you gain nothing tangible from it, nor does your youngest dc.

Why not wait? I see your point of view, but I also think his position is reasonable.

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 11:14

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@HaplotypeK I fear that ship may already have sailed.

Are you financially secure @KitKatLife101[/quote]
You're right, I missed where she said the child has already been born.

Did you give the child his surname by any chance?

DrNo007 · 19/06/2021 11:17

@diddl. Yes as has been confirmed by another PP, many churches will do church wedding if you have already done the legal bit and in the case of Greek and Russian orthodox you must do it this way or invite registrar to church wedding as just the church wedding is not legally binding. Sorry OP but your DP is being selfish or using excuses not to marry.

Cavagirl · 19/06/2021 11:18

@diddl the UK is unusual in that the civil ceremony to register the marriage can also take place in the same location as the religious ceremony in the case of churches.
In many other countries you'd go to the registry office and do the paperwork separately to the religious ceremony. Same if you want to eg get married in a synagogue here.
So if OP & F wanted to do this it would be fine, no saying vows twice (you can't have a religious ceremony at a registry office). When they later get married at the church for the big wedding (married in the eyes of God rather than the state!) they would just skip the bit most couples do of going round the back to sign the register while the congregation sits in awkward silence listening to cousin Gary play Paulo Nutini badly on his acoustic guitar/whatever.

OP it's a tough one this as I do really sympathise with him assuming he's not stalling.

Will he book stuff now? Will he send invites out, put deposits down, actively plan? If it's a yes, given your financial position too, I'd probably be ok with it.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2021 11:25

Tbh I feel exactly the same as your DP and have made the same decision, so I don't think he is being unreasonable. I want the wedding I want and it doesn't make that much difference to me whether it's this year or next year.

SarahDarah · 19/06/2021 11:27

@EarthSight

I agree with *@DrNo007* .

The child has been born now and due to finances and the day HE wants we may be looking at getting in married in 2023 which to me seems incredibly frustrating

I hadn't even got to the above quote when I started thinking 'Un-oh, I hope for your sake he's not deliberately stalling, and when covid is over he's not going to be going 'Well we'll get married when I get a promotion, because we'll have more money then' or 'When we get a house/bigger hour we'll get married'.

It seems like he's already using finances as an excuse. Then it will be various family members not being able to attend, or various guests that are getting married at the same time, kids are going through events or exams. Basically it has to be right for everyone else except for you. He's got you pregnant, managed to dodge getting married during that pregnancy, you've given birth and now he feels like he's in no hurry.

He proposed to you two years ago, but did he propose because he genuinely wanted to or because you'd been mentioning it a lot? Could he have done it whilst feeling infatuated? Before you got pregnant, things were more on your terms, but now you've got pregnant and had the baby, they are very much on his it seems. It wouldn't surprise me if this is going to drag on for years or that soon he'll be coming out with 'But we're practically married anyway, do we really need a piece of paper?'.

Was just going to say this. He's got everything he wants now: you're living with him and you've had his baby. All the power lies with him and he knows it. You should have insisted on marriage earlier than this. The early years of babies are also testing for any relationship so he may now be thinking of holding off so he's free to bail down the line without the commitment of marriage. Sorry OP Flowers

This is why women really need to insist on marriage before letting a man have all the benefits of marriage without proper commitment on their part. If a guy truly wants you and is committed, he will want marriage on the same timeliness as you. If he doesn't, women need to dump and move on. Stop moving in with boyfriends without commitment.

IndiaMay · 19/06/2021 11:30

I feel exactly the same as your DP and so does my fiance. It's not about a party, it's about having everyone we love in one room for the only time in our lives

litterbird · 19/06/2021 11:32

I am unsure about the reasons you fell pregnant out of wedlock if it really was that important OP? Thankfully you are the main earner, still employed and financially stable. As you have already had the baby it’s put you right on the back foot already. If you can see his point of view and wait then that would be great. If he makes more excuses as time goes on then sadly, you will never be married. Lots of stories on MN testify to this.

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 11:32

@aSofaNearYou

Tbh I feel exactly the same as your DP and have made the same decision, so I don't think he is being unreasonable. I want the wedding I want and it doesn't make that much difference to me whether it's this year or next year.
I think perhaps all the people who want "weddings" should get together with others who feel the same. Then the people who actually want to be married can avoid all that.
Goingplacestogether · 19/06/2021 11:34

generally as far as I thought men were never this sentimental

I don’t think they are OP so I concur with others that he doesn’t want to get married. Given your update re financial security and earnings however, I’d be questioning whether it was the right thing for you anyway.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2021 11:38

Was just going to say this. He's got everything he wants now: you're living with him and you've had his baby. All the power lies with him and he knows it. You should have insisted on marriage earlier than this. The early years of babies are also testing for any relationship so he may now be thinking of holding off so he's free to bail down the line without the commitment of marriage. Sorry OP  This is why women really need to insist on marriage before letting a man have all the benefits of marriage without proper commitment on their part. If a guy truly wants you and is committed, he will want marriage on the same timeliness as you. If he doesn't, women need to dump and move on. Stop moving in with boyfriends without commitment.

Sorry, but I think this is a really unnecessarily cynical and pessimistic reading of things. Loads of people want their wedding to be the magical, emotional day they imagined, many of us on this thread have said we feel the same as OPs partner.

There is a very real argument that he's being naive about the practical side of it, and OPs need for security when giving up work etc. But it's highly unlikely that he's deliberately hoarding power, hedging his bets for an easy exit, and also just not true that if he was truly committed he would want to be married ASAP above all other considerations. If he's truly committed, he may see it as not making any difference when they make it official, however naive that may or may not be.

It's far more likely that, just as he says, he actually does just want to have his wedding with his loved one's present, for the sake of waiting a little bit.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2021 11:38

I think perhaps all the people who want "weddings" should get together with others who feel the same. Then the people who actually want to be married can avoid all that.

Is it really that shocking to want both?

HalzTangz · 19/06/2021 11:46

I'm with him I'm afraid.
A marriage is a big thing and it's normal to want friends and family to witness it.
It's really no big deal nowdays that a child is born out of wedlock.

Men dream about their wedding day in the same way as women do, why shouldn't he wat the whole shabang.

I disagree with an earlier poster saying he's avoiding marrying you. If restrictions hadn't have been in place I'm sure you woul have been married by now with the family and friends present.

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 11:50

@aSofaNearYou

I think perhaps all the people who want "weddings" should get together with others who feel the same. Then the people who actually want to be married can avoid all that.

Is it really that shocking to want both?

Right now it's a straight choice, as it's not currently possible to have both. It's one or the other.

So it's really shed light on those who prioritise the wedding day over actually being married.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/06/2021 11:50

Has this got anything to do with the house being in his name only?

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 11:51

@HalzTangz

Men dream about their wedding day in the same way as women do, why shouldn't he wat the whole shabang.

A vanishingly tiny number of men have bought into the absolute bollocks that is the modern wedding industry.

It is peddled almost exclusively to women.

Lazypuppy · 19/06/2021 11:53

Me and my fiance have postponed our wedding until we can have the full day. Yea we want to be married but the qhole is important to us to. People saying just get married then have a party, i don't think many people will actually want to spend 1000s just for a party at a later date.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2021 11:58

Right now it's a straight choice, as it's not currently possible to have both. It's one or the other. So it's really shed light on those who prioritise the wedding day over actually being married.

I've prioritised the wedding day over being married RIGHT NOW. If the new restrictions were permanent I would obviously let go of that idea. I don't think it automatically says anything negative about a person that they would rather wait a couple of years to have the experience they want, rather than rush to begin what will presumably be a marriage of many decades right this second. I understand the practical, financial counter arguments but from an emotional POV regarding how committed they are as individuals, I don't think it "sheds light" on anything negative.

diddl · 19/06/2021 12:01

It's fine for people to want to postpone so that they can have who they want there.

I also didn't want to have kids before being married-neither did my husband though so we would have married and had as many as possible there.

HaplotypeK · 19/06/2021 12:06

@aSofaNearYou

Right now it's a straight choice, as it's not currently possible to have both. It's one or the other. So it's really shed light on those who prioritise the wedding day over actually being married.

I've prioritised the wedding day over being married RIGHT NOW. If the new restrictions were permanent I would obviously let go of that idea. I don't think it automatically says anything negative about a person that they would rather wait a couple of years to have the experience they want, rather than rush to begin what will presumably be a marriage of many decades right this second. I understand the practical, financial counter arguments but from an emotional POV regarding how committed they are as individuals, I don't think it "sheds light" on anything negative.

I have friends who were due to get married in april 2020 and had to postpone at the last minute due to covid. It will be at least two years' delay for them, maybe more. That is non-trivial. It's not just about "getting married right this second".

I asked if they had considered a registry office marriage and a big party later but they are open about the fact that it is the party they want. But they are honest about it and it's what is important to them.

It is, in fact, a straight choice. It was always the case that a lot of women wanted the BIG DAY more than anything else; covid has just starkly exposed that.

Farwest · 19/06/2021 12:19

He's got everything he wants now: you're living with him and you've had his baby. All the power lies with him and he knows it. You should have insisted on marriage earlier than this.

What power? She is working and earns more money. If he bailed down the line, she will be no more or less heartbroken, married or unmarried. And if she earns more, she will be financially and emotionally better off if unmarried - no need to split her savings and pension, no need to negotiate a divorce.

The OP is really not in a vulnerable position. Marriage is often better for women, but not always. Not for her.

Still, OP, I hope you and dp can reach a compromise and a happy marriage. Good luck!

Sandra15 · 19/06/2021 12:23

@SarahDarah Stop moving in with boyfriends without commitment.

I agree with this wholeheartedly but the times I have been called judgemental, old fashioned, told to get with it and that it isn't 1950, well I wish I had a fiver for each time.

aSofaNearYou · 19/06/2021 12:27

I have friends who were due to get married in april 2020 and had to postpone at the last minute due to covid. It will be at least two years' delay for them, maybe more. That is non-trivial. It's not just about "getting married right this second". I asked if they had considered a registry office marriage and a big party later but they are open about the fact that it is the party they want. But they are honest about it and it's what is important to them. It is, in fact, a straight choice. It was always the case that a lot of women wanted the BIG DAY more than anything else; covid has just starkly exposed that.

Yes I'm aware it's two years, as I said, two years is not that big a deal to me compared to the decades of marriage that we intend to follow them. It's a straight just between the wedding, and being married within the next couple of years, yes, but not between the wedding and the marriage in general.

I don't want the big day MORE than marriage. I just want both and am prepared to wait a couple of years to facilitate both. There's an implied judgment behind you saying people "just want a party". I don't want a generic piss up for the sake of it but yes, I want a celebration with my loved ones. Why is that unacceptable or somehow shallow?

SarahDarah · 19/06/2021 12:29

@Farwest

He's got everything he wants now: you're living with him and you've had his baby. All the power lies with him and he knows it. You should have insisted on marriage earlier than this.

What power? She is working and earns more money. If he bailed down the line, she will be no more or less heartbroken, married or unmarried. And if she earns more, she will be financially and emotionally better off if unmarried - no need to split her savings and pension, no need to negotiate a divorce.

The OP is really not in a vulnerable position. Marriage is often better for women, but not always. Not for her.

Still, OP, I hope you and dp can reach a compromise and a happy marriage. Good luck!

Read the OP'S post Confused She's keen to get married, he's stalling. She's concerned enough about it that she's posting a thread. Of course he has the power
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