Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I told him I had another date and he’s upset

99 replies

Confusedandhot · 19/06/2021 08:56

So a guy I’ve been seeing for a while. Told me he was ready for a relationship. Blah blah blah. We carried on seeing each other. He’s expressed a few times about being jealous T the thought of me being with other men. But always jokingly so I always brushed it off.

I’ve got another date and he asked me to at least be honest with him so I told him. He reacted badly and said “he’s hurt at the thought, he knows in his mind that I’m entitled to find someone who is a better fit for me. He really really likes me, has a lot of love for me, it hurts his heart but he would like to know how it goes as it will change us.”

I told him to be honest I thought we were a dead end because he shut down the idea of a relationship. He said he works on his own timeline, he needs to work on himself because I deserve the best pf him. I can appreciate what he’s saying but he’s really still upset about me going on a date. I told him I’m single so I will, regardless of his feelings.

He’s having me on isn’t he. He doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me

OP posts:
DENNYCRANE · 19/06/2021 09:17

He’s expressed a few times about being jealous T the thought of me being with other men

To be fair, it should have been bloody obvious that this one was trouble.

Your wanker-radar needs recalibrating.

Lottielovescake · 19/06/2021 09:18

Sack him off and go on more dates. He’s messing you around, I can’t stand selfish boring pricks like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/06/2021 09:18

So you've told each other you love each other but you're dating and potentially having sex with other men. I'm not surprised he's upset tbh.

Doesn't sound like he's up for something open and even if he doesn't want to label it, he wants to be exclusive. You don't, that's ok, but I'd break it off with him if he's going to get upset you're dating other men and you want to date other men.

CloudySerar · 19/06/2021 09:18

@Confusedandhot I think you want this date to make him suddenly commit. Maybe? I’ve been there.

I think you’d be better off not saying you’re dating anyone, and simply saying you’re going to get on with life as a single person and tell him how much he means to you. Don’t play games about dating. The implication will be there. That said, he sounds tricky, how old is he?

Standrewsschool · 19/06/2021 09:19

So you were dating man A, and then told him that you’ve fixed up a date with man B, whilst still seeing man A. No wonder he was annoyed,

In my day, you only saw one person at a time, or ‘exclusive’ to use the modern term. There was no ambiguity.

Umberellatheweatha · 19/06/2021 09:19

@Confusedandhot

He said he’s hurt I never considered him. The fact I said yes told him everything he needed to know.
What a cheeky git! See, about the manipulation! *Tells you he doesnt want a relationship. *Then later, imples that it's your fault! Has the cheek to make out that you are disloyal somehow!

You dont owe him loyalty.
I would have asked him why the fuck I owed him consideration when he had insisted he didn't want a relationship!

He is trying to manipulate you into not dating anyone else. He wants you to fall in love with him whilst he continues to mess you around. All about his EGO not feelings.

category12 · 19/06/2021 09:20

[quote CloudySerar]@Confusedandhot I think you want this date to make him suddenly commit. Maybe? I’ve been there.

I think you’d be better off not saying you’re dating anyone, and simply saying you’re going to get on with life as a single person and tell him how much he means to you. Don’t play games about dating. The implication will be there. That said, he sounds tricky, how old is he?[/quote]
He's not tricky or complex - he's a gameplaying asshat.

NakedNugget · 19/06/2021 09:21

@Standrewsschool

So you were dating man A, and then told him that you’ve fixed up a date with man B, whilst still seeing man A. No wonder he was annoyed,

In my day, you only saw one person at a time, or ‘exclusive’ to use the modern term. There was no ambiguity.

Unfortunately with so many piss taking men out there (we can use the ops one who doesn't want a relationship but does want sex as an example) who string women along, why shouldn't women date more than one until they find one that isn't absolutely useless?
paniniswapx3 · 19/06/2021 09:22

Gameplaying asshat sounds about right to me too!

CatalinaCasesolver · 19/06/2021 09:22

I had this with a guy once for a whole YEAR!

Like you I thought if we are having this much fun and seeing each other twice a week and not seeing anyone else (he actually was but was lying) then we MUST be in a relationship even though he told me he didn't want a relationship.

Turns out he really didn't want a relationship and I was kidding myself the whole time.

What a learning experience that was, if he wants a relationship with you he will make that quite clear to you. It looks like this is a case of 'I don't want you but I don't want you to want/have anyone else'.

He wants the FWB with girlfriend 'experience' but without the commitment.

Don't be like I was, walk away.

Original poster
Confusedandhot · 19/06/2021 09:22

He told me this date isn’t going to make him suddenly turn around and say he wants a relationship. I usually do only see one guy at a time but he’s made himself clear many times. Even when he said he loved me I didn’t take it like he’s in love. Because his actions are not at all like that.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 19/06/2021 09:30

Lol he told me this date isnt going to suddenly make him turn around and say he wants a relationship. Facepalm 'Yeah mate, because everything's all about you' 😄🙄

So heres the thing op, he wont give you a relationship and he clearly can't do friends with benefits. So what use is he to your life? Being single in your own company is better than being single with an asshole in tow.

category12 · 19/06/2021 09:31

@Standrewsschool

So you were dating man A, and then told him that you’ve fixed up a date with man B, whilst still seeing man A. No wonder he was annoyed,

In my day, you only saw one person at a time, or ‘exclusive’ to use the modern term. There was no ambiguity.

No, op and man A were dating.

He then told her he doesn't want a relationship.

So she's going on a date with man B.

The only thing she's doing wrong is still seeing man A at all.

Ruminating2020 · 19/06/2021 09:36

@Confusedandhot
Too much drama with man A. Neither of you seem that keen on each other, and he's being controlling.

pinkb · 19/06/2021 09:41

Don't feel bad, he won't commit so it's his tough luck if he loses you to someone that does really want you.

Unsure33 · 19/06/2021 09:44

OMG a modern dating is so complicated .

In our day if you were having sex you were dating .

Divebar2021 · 19/06/2021 09:51

In our day if you were having sex you were dating

In our day you didn’t tell someone you loved them while simultaneously telling them you didn’t want a relationship.

kiddo5467 · 19/06/2021 09:55

@Confusedandhot

He told me this date isn’t going to make him suddenly turn around and say he wants a relationship. I usually do only see one guy at a time but he’s made himself clear many times. Even when he said he loved me I didn’t take it like he’s in love. Because his actions are not at all like that.
No but it might make you suddenly turn round and realise you want a relationship with man B.....

He wants things exactly as there are with you. Not willing to make the effort required for a relationship but happy to use you for sex. His only worry about you dating others is that you might realise there are better men out there willing to commit and he'll miss out on the easy decision he's been getting for minimal effort

kiddo5467 · 19/06/2021 09:56
  • easy sex he's getting for minimal effort
MrsWooster · 19/06/2021 10:06

@Divebar2021

In our day if you were having sex you were dating

In our day you didn’t tell someone you loved them while simultaneously telling them you didn’t want a relationship.

Both of these things. The modern ‘rules of dating’ are a steaming pile of shite. Step out of the ‘rules’, op, and tell A that it’s great having a casual shag now and then but you’re looking for a relationship (assuming that you are looking for a relationship). If you find someone with whom you click then it’s sayonara, A. If A decides he IS ready for a relationship, then he should let you know and you will consider his application on its merits, alongside any and all other appropriate candidates. To quote the great JC, he wants his cake AND to eat it, AND make trifle out of it.
FinallyHere · 19/06/2021 10:10

We spoke for about an hour about this and it left me feeling like I did something wrong.

For this alone ^ , I'd bin him off.

To much hassle, it won't get any better.

EarthSight · 19/06/2021 10:11

I understand why he might be emotionally confused but -

he said he’s not ready for a relationship

You're his experiment, I'm afraid. He wants to see how it goes with you because he's wondering if he'll feel anything more towards you, which he might never will. He wants to keep you at a convenient number 2 as he waits for 'the one' to appear. Meanwhile you might spend months, maybe years wasting your time in limbo (as quite a few women here do). He's now upset that he won't have you as an option anymore because so far, he's the one who's been calling the shots, hasn't he? That all changed when you started dating other men.

Seems like you've been awfully convenient for him - sex and some companionship and a few drinks in the pub. Brill isn't it? He gets to have some aspect of a relationship without actually being in one, without actually committing. I understand and sympathise that he might be emotionally confused, but I'm afraid he can't keep you hanging around with no expiry date in sight for this arrangement. That's not fair on you.

MarianneUnfaithful · 19/06/2021 10:15

He said he isn’t ready for a relationship.

If you are looking for a relationship stop seeing him and date other people.

You are just using him as an insurance policy if you are dating others.

Do you actually love him? Confused After a ‘while’?

It sounds messy and going-nowhere.

OnlyMsLonely · 19/06/2021 10:15

OP if he's making you feel like this when you're not in a relationship imagine what would be on the cards if you were.

I think you know that it's time to move on from him.

Looneytune253 · 19/06/2021 10:18

He wants his cake and eating it. He just wants to have sex and dates without the relationship. Just tell him to get in touch when he's ready for a relationship and your life won't be on hold because of him

Swipe left for the next trending thread