Husband admitted watching gay porn - someone talk to me

[Wife2018]

Not really sure where to start.

A week ago I found out my husband had subscribed to a women we know on only fans. I was so upset, I’m usually quite an angry feisty person but instead I was just upset and in disbelief - I actually laughed about it at one point.
Husband came home from work and we spoke about it, we haven’t argued but he was so embarrassed and was using my social media to access hers. I told him he has cheated on me. He said he had only paid for the subscription once and he has been addicted to porn so at the time couldn’t see anything wrong with it.
When we were discussing it he was so embarrassed he said he could clearly see what he had done wrong. We went to sleep that night not really speaking as I was upset that he’d paid and made an account.

The next morning I said I want to go through his bank statements to confirm he hasn’t done anything else. He agreed, was sat on his phone in bed. Came downstairs after 10 mins and confessed he’d paid for a ticket show of a cam girl. He was then upset as he thought our relationship was over.

When I got home from work I looked through the bank statements and in the last 5 years of our 10+ year relationship/marriage, there was only one payment to a cam girl (last year) and another subscription to an only fans page (Feb) only one month payment.
We were talking about everything and he’s since admitted to watching shemale porn and gay porn. He says this happened a couple of years ago when he was curious but that he hasn’t done that recently. He’s only told me in the interests of being open and honest about everything. He’s since told me he’s straight and he has not looked at any sort of porn since I’ve found out, his priority is me and kids (we have 2).

The problem is part of me is worried about trusting him with porn use, he says he feels it’s an addiction where he can’t watch it at all because the obsession for him gets out of hand. I also worry that maybe he’s secretly gay or bi, I’ve told him that if he’s honest I wouldn’t kick him out the house or anything. But he’s adamant he’s straight. But he consistently watched gay and shemale porn for at least a good year or 2.

I guess I’m just feeling a little lost and need some advise. We’ve always had good sex, up until the last month before I found out which is what made me suspicious. I have cried and told him how much it hurt that he chose porn over me in the last month. But he hasn’t watched it in and week and is now waking up with morning wood again - something that hasn’t happened in years. I just don’t know what to make of it all.

None of that makes sense from a trust pov.

He has a longstanding and persistent porn use problem but is 'confident' - without doing any work on the problem, without ever submitting himself to the serious scrutiny of a therapist and without any real accountability to anyone whose judgement of him means something - that he'll never watch it again? On any device or phone?

He is trying to fob you off. I know you may be feeling relief that the problem is out in the open, but his refusal to do counseling here and his hope that you will be ok keeping this thing just between yourselves means that he hopes it will be swept under the rug. He is taking you for granted.

...he says he feels it’s an addiction where he can’t watch it at all because the obsession for him gets out of hand. I also worry that maybe he’s secretly gay or bi, I’ve told him that if he’s honest I wouldn’t kick him out the house or anything. But he’s adamant he’s straight. But he consistently watched gay and shemale porn for at least a good year or 2.

All of this needs to be sorted out with a therapist.

Op this is not your problem it's his, Paying for only fans and cams girls Is definitely an issue, Especially someone who yous know...Reguarding your Internet you can get child locks on your router and this will block any device in your home being able to access inappropriate websites.
Remember to put yourself first and don't feel sorry for him when he is claiming to be addict

Just got back to this thread, I can see my earlier comment was widely criticised.

I’ve recently watched a documentary where it gave the account of women who were married to pedophiles and their descent into downloading child abuse images. Two of the men fell down the rabbit hole of watching massive amounts of porn and over time the content changed from your standard M/F sex to more extreme content that culminated in child abuse videos.

Now perhaps that was always their interest but it also seemed to me to be a progression of chasing a thrill. Going from genre to genre. More taboo sex often has an illicit thrill attached to it. I could see the walk through and how the finale could be the ultimate taboo.

I’m not saying that watching porn is a terrible sin. I think anything legal in moderation is generally okay. But it’s when it starts to look like an addiction it’s going to throw up red flags. If I were with someone who had a rabid interest in porn I would genuinely be concerned as to where that could lead.

I'm married to a man and only watch lesbian porn.

The gay porn wouldn't bother me.

The cam girls would.

@Wife2018. Expect now to see next to nothing going through the router and very high figures on his mobile bills data useage- sorry— that’s what usually happens— I bet you he’s already worked out in his head he’s going to use data!

@justanotherneighinparadise

Just got back to this thread, I can see my earlier comment was widely criticised.

I’ve recently watched a documentary where it gave the account of women who were married to pedophiles and their descent into downloading child abuse images. Two of the men fell down the rabbit hole of watching massive amounts of porn and over time the content changed from your standard M/F sex to more extreme content that culminated in child abuse videos.

Now perhaps that was always their interest but it also seemed to me to be a progression of chasing a thrill. Going from genre to genre. More taboo sex often has an illicit thrill attached to it. I could see the walk through and how the finale could be the ultimate taboo.

I’m not saying that watching porn is a terrible sin. I think anything legal in moderation is generally okay. But it’s when it starts to look like an addiction it’s going to throw up red flags. If I were with someone who had a rabid interest in porn I would genuinely be concerned as to where that could lead.

Paedophilia isn’t found ‘down a rabbit hole’! Men caught with illegal porn will always tell a story to attempt minimise what they have been doing. Paedophiles are paedophiles. People who have no sexual interest in children, don’t develop one through watching porn. Adult porn is not gateway porn and suggesting this to the OP as you and other posters is nonsense. Nothing in her account suggests that her husband is a paedophile or is on the cusp of becoming one. She has enough to worry about and work out without throwing that in!

I think the addiction aspect is much more worrying than watching gay porn if he's sure he's not gay and you believe him. He could just be curious/interested but doesn't actually mean he's gay. But yes, he needs help for the addiction side of things and whether you want to be part of that journey for him is your choice. The burden shouldn't be on you for him to address his issues. Tricky situation OP 💐

@Crikeyalmighty funnily enough I said there was no point in blocking in router because of data but he showed me he already had a block on his data. His mobile network provider put a lock of it when he first got the contract and he was told if he wanted it unblocked he’d have to contact them.

@Wife2018. Well that’s good- I genuinely hope he sticks to it and doesn’t try the buy a cheap second pay as you go phone with data.

There is nothing to stop him getting another phone.

He can’t have it both ways though @Wife2018 either he has an addiction and accepts he needs help despite the embarrassment (and tbh as a counsellor I wasn’t ever shocked by this kind of discussion- it’s sadly so very common nowadays) or he isn’t an addict but made those choices to lie and deceive you and disrespect you. So either way couple counselling would be a non negotiable demand for me to take him seriously ever again.

I think when men watch a lot of porn they get bored with it and search for different aspects of it crossing boundaries in the hope finding of something exciting and erotic.
Watching gay porn when you are straight is just another turn on because it feels wrong and fills a void until they become bored and find something else.

It does not necessarily mean your husband is gay.

However, paying cam girls is another thing altogether.

He must be joking - he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

If he says he is an addict, he needs to also acknowledge he will need professional support to stop. Even if it's embarrassing, his priority should be to stop and make things right with you.

OR he isn't an addict and his reluctance to get professional help due to potential embarrassment outweighs his desire to fix your relationship.

The latter seems much, much more likely.

Bless you, any update on how this turned out. I know it’s an old post.

He doesn’t watch it anymore. - sounds a bit like I’ve just believed a liar. But he went to therapy and ended up explaining how addictive it felt. He said it wasn’t just gay porn, it was granny’s, anything ‘not the societal norm’. He said it was something that just escalated as a higher dopamine hit.

Since then our sex life has improved massively, he now likes sensual sex because he gets a bit triggered if it’s a bit rough - I think he still feels a bit of shame that he’d watched that kind of stuff. He’s 100% present with me having sex.

Its definitely been hard and I’ve definitely thrown it in his face a couple of times. I’m sure I will at some point in the future too because being angry in an argument it happens. But we’ve always spoke about it openly as I think that was the only way we’d ever move past it. I think it took a good 2 years to feel like there was trust there and to stop questioning whether I should have left at the time.

I’m also glad I didn’t leave.
The negative comments on here sure made me question myself, but I don’t think every scenario is a stereotypical Mumsnet LTB story.