Husband admitted watching gay porn - someone talk to me

[Wife2018]

Not really sure where to start.

A week ago I found out my husband had subscribed to a women we know on only fans. I was so upset, I’m usually quite an angry feisty person but instead I was just upset and in disbelief - I actually laughed about it at one point.
Husband came home from work and we spoke about it, we haven’t argued but he was so embarrassed and was using my social media to access hers. I told him he has cheated on me. He said he had only paid for the subscription once and he has been addicted to porn so at the time couldn’t see anything wrong with it.
When we were discussing it he was so embarrassed he said he could clearly see what he had done wrong. We went to sleep that night not really speaking as I was upset that he’d paid and made an account.

The next morning I said I want to go through his bank statements to confirm he hasn’t done anything else. He agreed, was sat on his phone in bed. Came downstairs after 10 mins and confessed he’d paid for a ticket show of a cam girl. He was then upset as he thought our relationship was over.

When I got home from work I looked through the bank statements and in the last 5 years of our 10+ year relationship/marriage, there was only one payment to a cam girl (last year) and another subscription to an only fans page (Feb) only one month payment.
We were talking about everything and he’s since admitted to watching shemale porn and gay porn. He says this happened a couple of years ago when he was curious but that he hasn’t done that recently. He’s only told me in the interests of being open and honest about everything. He’s since told me he’s straight and he has not looked at any sort of porn since I’ve found out, his priority is me and kids (we have 2).

The problem is part of me is worried about trusting him with porn use, he says he feels it’s an addiction where he can’t watch it at all because the obsession for him gets out of hand. I also worry that maybe he’s secretly gay or bi, I’ve told him that if he’s honest I wouldn’t kick him out the house or anything. But he’s adamant he’s straight. But he consistently watched gay and shemale porn for at least a good year or 2.

I guess I’m just feeling a little lost and need some advise. We’ve always had good sex, up until the last month before I found out which is what made me suspicious. I have cried and told him how much it hurt that he chose porn over me in the last month. But he hasn’t watched it in and week and is now waking up with morning wood again - something that hasn’t happened in years. I just don’t know what to make of it all.

Man here, I wouldn't be too worried about the gay porn, watch it myself sometimes and I've been with my DW for 30 years and never had or wanted sex with a man. But interacting with others on cam sites is a red flag, needs to be dealt with. It sounds as though he is genuinely tackling the issues so I agree with those who have said you should give him time. All LTRs hit problems eventually, the ones that survive are those in which problems are acknowledged, confronted and dealt with and from what you say it sounds like you are doing that.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Do you know my worry? He’s upping the anti. He’s searching for more wide ranging porn than your standard man/woman sex and some of these people get sucked into child porn eventually, such is their addiction.

For that reason I think I’d want out.

This is a hell of a leap. Men who enjoy sex with adults and adult porn do not generally develop in peadophilia!

As for the suggestion to just end the relationship. Again, quite a leap at this stage. It sounds like there is a lot that’s good in your relationship and you are parents to two children. The internet and social media has transformed the landscape of pornography. It’s so easy to access that psychology services are seeing increasing numbers of men (often young men) with addiction to porn. If he is really struggling with this and wants to change and if you love each other, consider giving him a chance to change this and start afresh. I recommend couples counselling. Even couples who are likely to end a relationship (and surely you’re not there yet in your relationship) often benefit from couples counselling.

I watch lesbian and gay porn. Im straight.

However paying for only fans and nudes of woman he knows? Good riddance

@Anothernick

Man here, I wouldn't be too worried about the gay porn, watch it myself sometimes and I've been with my DW for 30 years and never had or wanted sex with a man. But interacting with others on cam sites is a red flag, needs to be dealt with. It sounds as though he is genuinely tackling the issues so I agree with those who have said you should give him time. All LTRs hit problems eventually, the ones that survive are those in which problems are acknowledged, confronted and dealt with and from what you say it sounds like you are doing that.

Out of curiosity what is it about watching gay porn that excites you if you are not gay or bi . I’m not a porn watcher either get to or lesbian porn so am curious as to what a hetero man gets out of watching two men have sex Perhaps this would help OP understand also ?

So he claims he has an addiction - but he is to embarrassed to talk to a counselor about it.

Instead of that, he drip feeds admissions to you and gives you the impression that he is horrified that he has ruined his marriage.

He is horrified that you have found out what he is doing, and imo (and ime) there is very likely more to be discovered.

Sounds like he has accepted he is totally in the wrong and is doing all he can to make up for it.
@CliftonGreenYork
He is doing nothing of the sort here.

I would agree with @ForgottenWhyImHere's post - having come across gay porn myself after 16 years of marriage and five children, I would absolutely not rule out the idea that he might be gay.

In terms of what he’s doing to not look at porn anymore he’s contacted our broadband company who have said they cannot put blocks on websites - he showed me the emails so I know this isn’t a lie. And he’s going to buy an app which means I can monitor his phone. We don’t have a laptop so he hasn’t been using that. He’s also stopped walking around the house with his phone i.e taking it upstairs or to the toilet like he was previously.

He is taking no responsibility at all for his choices.

You are now to be his porn police.

Tell him to go to counseling. Tell him you won't accept any more bullshit, and he needs to figure out what he wants.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Do you know my worry? He’s upping the anti. He’s searching for more wide ranging porn than your standard man/woman sex and some of these people get sucked into child porn eventually, such is their addiction.

For that reason I think I’d want out.

Big leap to suggest he is into or could get into child porn!

@justanotherneighinparadise

Do you know my worry? He’s upping the anti. He’s searching for more wide ranging porn than your standard man/woman sex and some of these people get sucked into child porn eventually, such is their addiction.

For that reason I think I’d want out.

Seriously!? So watching gay porn leads to child abuse does it… Honestly thought these views were left in the 80s but nope now we just use porn as the justification for seeing homosexuality as deviant and wrong. So reductive and wrong

Seriously!? So watching gay porn leads to child abuse does it… Honestly thought these views were left in the 80s but nope now we just use porn as the justification for seeing homosexuality as deviant and wrong. So reductive and wrong

FFS, that's not what was said at all, by any stretch of the imagination.

Having to police my husband would kill the love and attraction for me.

@TheVanguardSix

TheVanguardSix you say he’s a wet blanket but that’s how I feel about myself. I’ve read loads of posts on here where I’m thinking LTB but I don’t feel like I can make that decision yet.

Oh love, of course you’re not a wet blanket. You’re in bloody shock. Take your time. This is a huge lion in the den you’re facing. Take your time to gather the stamina you need to face it. It’s an incredibly abrupt life changer. One minute, all was seemingly happy and stable and now, you’re staring at the aftermath of a grenade that’s been hurled by your husband, a person of great trust, into the heart of the family- his family that he ought to be fighting for… putting all embarrassment aside. And if he can’t fight for you because he is embarrassed, he’s a lost cause. If he can’t fight for you because he’s gay, well that’s not brilliant but it sheds a slightly more sympathetic light on the matter… only slightly though. My feeling is that he’s not gay… just another dickhead taking his porn viewing beyond the pale. It’s endemic, if that’s some cold comfort, OP, absolutely endemic. Porn is very damaging to the fundamental structure of family and relationships.

What kind of life do you want with him and how does his ‘big reveal’ (and the way he is facing the reality of what he’s done) impact the life you want with him?
Don’t answer me or anyone here. These are questions for you to ponder privately over the next few days.

And even if wiseone is so wise and 100% correct (and that’s an enormous IF), does that mean we women just have to shut our pretty little mouths, dry our tears, and let our men be men and fulfill their needs at the expense of our own sense of self worth? The more women like wise spout their tolerance and acceptance, as if they’re the liberal, open-minded, exploratory women the world needs, the more we’re frogmarched into a collective corner of shame, where our voice, our confidence, and our sense of self worth goes to fall on the sword of men’s ‘needs’. We’re supposed to just be ok with this shit because all guys do it. That’s the message. Every. Fucking. Time. It’s not ok because you’re not ok with it, OP and that matters a great deal. How you feel counts! You shouldn’t have to be ok with this! And no, not all guys are watching porn- certainly not at the rate your husband is. True, there are worse out there. But this isn’t a race to the bottom up for debate here. You’ll hear: He’s the normal one here. You are the intolerant one… the one with the issues.
Your response to that is: Pull the other one. Fuck this shit. I want respect. I don’t want porn in my marriage, and I want my children to have a better example as a parent.

Very wise words vanguard. I'd be showing that comment to your husband OP. Good luck.

@washingtofold - it's just curiosity I think, porn is so ubiquitous these days that it's easy to end up on a gay site unintentionally. I actually find it quite repellent but watchable at the same time, like a violent film I suppose. My porn use is different to many people I think in that I very rarely masturbate whilst watching it, I keep some of the images in mind and recall them later when required.

Using webcam performers and paying to interact with sex workers on line is a lot different to watching porn, regardless of the content.
By discussing your own use of gay porn and whether or not that's normal you are minimising what's actually upsetting OP.

Also noone cares what you get your kicks from

Does the only fans girl girl her husband has paid to see her page or can you do it anonymously?
How bloody embarrassing if she knew it was him, for her and you.

know he has paid to see her page

I don’t know if anothernicksxwife knows he posts on here and it seems mainly when it’s about porn use— but I personally would find it bloody odd if my husband was posting on here and pretty much solely relating to the subject of porn. We get that you and your partner are cool about it , we get you think it’s all very fluid these days, thing is plenty of us don’t feel quite so liberal (and I’m a very liberal person in many other ways) I’m glad it doesn’t cause a problem in your marriage but it does many many others- please don’t post trying to make those of us on here who aren’t comfortable with porn in our daily lives forcwhatevercreasons ‘get with the programme’ .

@Crikeyalmighty

I don’t know if anothernicksxwife knows he posts on here and it seems mainly when it’s about porn use— but I personally would find it bloody odd if my husband was posting on here and pretty much solely relating to the subject of porn. We get that you and your partner are cool about it , we get you think it’s all very fluid these days, thing is plenty of us don’t feel quite so liberal (and I’m a very liberal person in many other ways) I’m glad it doesn’t cause a problem in your marriage but it does many many others- please don’t post trying to make those of us on here who aren’t comfortable with porn in our daily lives forcwhatevercreasons ‘get with the programme’ .

I'm flattered you have found the time to read all my old posts, I generally go for issues arising in LTRs, as you will know if you have read my stuff I have been with my DW 31 years, married 29, so I hope that I can use that experience to help others in LTRs who hit problems, as we all do from time to time. As for whether my DW knows, the answer to that is probably not, she knows my phone password and I leave it in the same place downstairs every night when I go to bed so she could look at it but I doubt she does. I know her password as well but I don't look at her browsing history, it's probably all facebook and YouTube with her sisters and anyway I don't feel the need to look into her personal stuff and I hope she doesn't feel the need to look into mine.

@Crikeyalmighty I don”t really get why a man would choose to monitor and post on mumsnet anyway. Yes @Anothernick I’m looking at you! After all, it’s obviously a female space 🤷‍♀️ I find it slightly creepy when men pop ip on threads about sex or porn. It smacks of voyeurism, with the occasional irresistible interjection!

In terms of what he’s doing to not look at porn anymore he’s contacted our broadband company who have said they cannot put blocks on websites - he showed me the emails so I know this isn’t a lie. And he’s going to buy an app which means I can monitor his phone. We don’t have a laptop so he hasn’t been using that. He’s also stopped walking around the house with his phone i.e taking it upstairs or to the toilet like he was previously.

So, he won't go and address his out-of-control porn use with a therapist 'cos 'embarrassed' but he instead wants his WIFE to monitor him and keep him away from porn?

Nothing, NOTHING will change until he takes responsibility for his own actions. You do not have to get roped into solving this for him.

Wow he's managed to make his problem entirely your responsibility.

Your job to monitor because... why?! He can't possibly be expected to help himself.

The broadband company's job to block because... why?! He can't possibly be expected to help himself.

Is he usually this good at shirking accountability and delegating responsibility?

@justanotherneighinparadise

Do you know my worry? He’s upping the anti. He’s searching for more wide ranging porn than your standard man/woman sex and some of these people get sucked into child porn eventually, such is their addiction.

For that reason I think I’d want out.

That would be my worry, too. If he hasn’t already used child porn, he needs to get help urgently before he does.

Just a reminder that it's ideal to call child abuse images or footage just that, rather than calling them child porn. This helps ensure language centres the crime taking place - a child being assaulted.

I really feel for you OP, this must have been a shock and I completely understand why you feel a sense of betrayal. I want to echo what PPs have said that it is not your responsibility to police his behaviour or monitor his porn use. Some people are OK with their partner accessing porn, but if you are not-and this is a perfectly acceptable stance-then he has crossed a boundary. To recover from this and to rebuild trust, he needs to take ownership of what he has done and independantly choose to make different choices. Be firm and assertive with what your boundaries are-he can choose to respect them and you-or he can choose to continue in behaviours that are destructive to the relationship and disrespectful to you. If he chooses the latter, then you have your answer. You deserve better.

The compulsion element to access porn is something he-and he alone-needs to address. Porn can rewire the pleasure circuits in the brain-there have been numerous studies on this-and it can lead to other problems, such as disengagement from intimacy, erectile dysfunction and escalating porn use. Similarly, repeated porn use often leads to a need to seek variety to get the same positive feedback in the brain-which may explain why he has been looking at the types of porn you mentioned-but has now moved on to another type.

Do not allow him to project his problem on to you. He is an adult in control of his behaviour.

Oh Christ OP just get rid of him!

He’s riddled with a grotesque and spiralling attachment to porn and it’s eaten into him, in the sense that the struggle with this (to either give in and let it snowball further, or try to withstand it and control it and obsess about not doing it) has become a massive part of who he is. You didn’t sign up for that and, had you known this on day one, you would have dumped and run.

You don’t want this, you don’t want this version of him (and this version of him is who he is, it’s the only one available), you don’t want only fans and porn addiction and the fear of what next, what worse exploitative or abusive shit he’s lost in, to be a theme in your life, a central problem in your central relationship. This isn’t you, and it isn’t yours and just leave him and leave him to it.

It will consume you and your one life otherwise.

Just thought I’d clarify for those saying that he’s put the responsibility on me for his porn usage. I wouldn’t say that’s the case. He has said he’s confident he’ll never look at it again. I’d said several times that I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Although he’s adamant he wouldn’t look at any of it again his solution was me being able to see what he has looked at would prove he wasn’t actively looking. So the app or internet blocker wasn’t to ‘help him control himself’ if that makes sense?