Husband admitted watching gay porn - someone talk to me

[Wife2018]

Not really sure where to start.

A week ago I found out my husband had subscribed to a women we know on only fans. I was so upset, I’m usually quite an angry feisty person but instead I was just upset and in disbelief - I actually laughed about it at one point.
Husband came home from work and we spoke about it, we haven’t argued but he was so embarrassed and was using my social media to access hers. I told him he has cheated on me. He said he had only paid for the subscription once and he has been addicted to porn so at the time couldn’t see anything wrong with it.
When we were discussing it he was so embarrassed he said he could clearly see what he had done wrong. We went to sleep that night not really speaking as I was upset that he’d paid and made an account.

The next morning I said I want to go through his bank statements to confirm he hasn’t done anything else. He agreed, was sat on his phone in bed. Came downstairs after 10 mins and confessed he’d paid for a ticket show of a cam girl. He was then upset as he thought our relationship was over.

When I got home from work I looked through the bank statements and in the last 5 years of our 10+ year relationship/marriage, there was only one payment to a cam girl (last year) and another subscription to an only fans page (Feb) only one month payment.
We were talking about everything and he’s since admitted to watching shemale porn and gay porn. He says this happened a couple of years ago when he was curious but that he hasn’t done that recently. He’s only told me in the interests of being open and honest about everything. He’s since told me he’s straight and he has not looked at any sort of porn since I’ve found out, his priority is me and kids (we have 2).

The problem is part of me is worried about trusting him with porn use, he says he feels it’s an addiction where he can’t watch it at all because the obsession for him gets out of hand. I also worry that maybe he’s secretly gay or bi, I’ve told him that if he’s honest I wouldn’t kick him out the house or anything. But he’s adamant he’s straight. But he consistently watched gay and shemale porn for at least a good year or 2.

I guess I’m just feeling a little lost and need some advise. We’ve always had good sex, up until the last month before I found out which is what made me suspicious. I have cried and told him how much it hurt that he chose porn over me in the last month. But he hasn’t watched it in and week and is now waking up with morning wood again - something that hasn’t happened in years. I just don’t know what to make of it all.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about this.

My ex is gay. He initially told me he was bi, and up until that point I would have said sex was fine and regular. When he came out to me as bi, it emerged that he'd been watching gay porn for around ten years. At the time, I was more upset about the porn than him being bi. But it turned out (in his case) to be a stepping stone to admitting that he was gay. It took a long time, though.

It's not uncommon for closeted gay men to watch 'normal' porn or even have affairs with other women in an attempt to convince themselves they're straight.

I can totally understand why PPs have said that they don't think the gay porn is necessarily a concern, but I wouldn't ignore it either. It's taken my ex three years to come out and it's been Hell.

If he does start talking about questioning his sexuality, support is available through Straight Partners Anonymous. See attached poster.

I do, however, agree that it all sounds fairly dodgy. I don't think that means that you throw him out on the spot, but do go carefully and slowly. Think about what you want and need and get counselling for yourself if he refuses to go.

Good luck with dealing with this.

"Shemale" is someone born male but now presenting as female, without genital surgery. Its a very offensive term towards transgender women in normal circumstances, but seems to be actively used and promoted by transgender sex workers. Hope this helps - I'm trying to be clear but not offend

Firstly, shemale is an offensive term. Please don't use it.

Secondly, sexuality is very fluid these days and many 'straight' men experiment with gay and transgender porn. I'm a bisexual female and often watch gay porn, I actually prefer it to straight porn. Similarly I know gay men who prefer straight porn.

Of course you don't have to stay with anyone if you don't want to for whatever reason, including porn or bicuriosity.

Webcams and only fans is more than porn. It's using sex workers. Most people aren't OK with that in relationships.

Didn’t mean any offence with the ‘shemale’ comment. I wrote it as that what it says on porn websites.
The worst thing about it all for me is definitely the onlyfans, like people have said it’s online sex workers - in my opinion. Secondly the upset is there because of the outright lying that he’s done.

Ignore it wife you'll get all sorts of weird porn apologists on a thread like this, scroll past them

Only fans and cam "girls" cross the line for me - it's interactive and personal.(and they're spending family money on it to boot).

The she male thing - that's exactly how it's described in porn so stop with the 'correct terminology pc Ness FFS -personally I find a massive massive turn off in a bloke in a hetero relationship. Id doubt their heterosexuality.

What hetero bloke wants to see a man with implant's meat and two veg bouncing up and down while "she" (!) is having anal sex.

Having a penis is more lucrative/a niche in porn for transgender women, which is part of why a lot of trans who are sex workers keep it. Without it they'd have no 'unique' selling point. A lot of men have fantasies about such women. But he's into gay stuff too. Bi people are a thing so he may well be bi, if he's sometimes been ok in the bedroom.

@Wife2018 The problem is you can't trust a word he says. He's already lied/changed his story several times.

Porn or sex 'addiction' is what a lot of men claim when they get caught. Maybe he does have a habit, but framing it as a pychological problem rather than a problem of being an arsehole means that you're more likely to give him another chance. It's manipulative.

I've got a similar thread on here (porn hound). While the gay aspect is even worse than my husband's fetish, we're in the same boat

From your update, he seems to have found a way to place the responsibility for what he’s doing on everyone else…
His broadband provider, you to monitor his phone.

He’d change your access settings on your router, or his device. An app for you to monitor his usage is just going to fuel the fire - and put the mental load on you to be constantly checking.

And he’s rejected counselling as “embarrassing”… what does he think this is for you?

I don’t think I could get passed the Onlyfans to someone you both knew… it sounds like he’s pushed the boundaries over the time you’ve been together. Normal porn, then transgenders, then gay porn, then live shows that take requests, then someone you know…

And now he's done precisely fuck all to fix it, other than claim it’s an addiction and cry.

I don’t think I could reconcile that with staying, in my head… if you can, I think you need to insist that he actually DOES things, lots of them, to repay the massive amount of faith and trust that you’re going to put in him.

I forgot about the only fans woman actually being known to you, fk that's on an even worse level.

Scum baggy.

Honestly OP, most men watch porn. Let me say that again, MOST MEN WATCH PORN. Even the ladies posting on here who will swear blind their OHs don’t will probably be surprised to find out they most likely are watching porn. It’s a part of life, yes it’s not great but it’s certainly not the worst thing he could be doing.

Shemale porn is a straight guys thing so I wouldn’t worry too much, it’s such an alien concept to many straight males that they are intrigued by it, especially as many of the girls are beautiful, they just happen to have male anatomy. It’s an enormous segment of the porn industry.

Onlyfans is also a new concept that many guys will be curious of especially with its prevalence in the media nowadays. Think of it as him giving a charity donation to someone in need. It’s socially acceptable to have an OF so it’s not some poor girl being trafficked to work on a webcam, it’s a successful business enterprise for most of the performers.

Porn is far better than lurking on backstreets looking for hookers which again, many husbands and bfs do, in secret of course 🤫

@thewiseoneincognito oh thank you soooo much for your insights. If most men need to wank daily to online sex workers despite having a real partner, they should be binned as they'll be be chuffed to have more spare time for their favourite hobby.

Penis needs are far more important than faithful marriages, or avoiding being complicit in abuse

Your husband is disgusting and you'll never be able to trust him again, never mind respect him. I would be ending this marriage ASAP.

Think that's worse than cheating. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through .I couldn't go back on that

@Wife2018 Another thought- if he's into watching sex acts of someone you know, I imagine he might well be up for shagging her if she was up for it.

I think he would be open to affairs with people if opportunities presented themselves.

I think you definitely need professional advice here. I would suggest couples counseling. If he doesn't want to go by himself because he's embarrassed then suggest you go as a couple....after all it's the fact that it's having a detrimental effect on your marriage that's the problem here. You'll be there to support him and the counselor will hopefully make it clear that it's confidential and not a place for judgement. Just to add my personal opinion on the porn thing....often with porn addiction (as with any addiction) the person is constantly looking for the next high (or sexual gratification) and each time they will look for something more and more outrageous or dangerous....sometimes leading to exploring other sexualities and genders and something things as unsavoury as child pornography. His exploration of gay porn could be just related to the addiction rather than his sexuality. That being said I believe us all to be on a spectrum in terms of sexuality and don't think it's uncommon for people to enjoy porn involving people that are any gender or sexuality tbh. I don't think that's the issue here, it's more the betrayal you feel and the lack of respect for your boundaries and whether he actually is able to control his actions here. Couple counseling can help of you aren't ready to throw in the towel yet.

TheVanguardSix you say he’s a wet blanket but that’s how I feel about myself. I’ve read loads of posts on here where I’m thinking LTB but I don’t feel like I can make that decision yet.

Oh love, of course you’re not a wet blanket. You’re in bloody shock. Take your time. This is a huge lion in the den you’re facing. Take your time to gather the stamina you need to face it. It’s an incredibly abrupt life changer. One minute, all was seemingly happy and stable and now, you’re staring at the aftermath of a grenade that’s been hurled by your husband, a person of great trust, into the heart of the family- his family that he ought to be fighting for… putting all embarrassment aside. And if he can’t fight for you because he is embarrassed, he’s a lost cause. If he can’t fight for you because he’s gay, well that’s not brilliant but it sheds a slightly more sympathetic light on the matter… only slightly though. My feeling is that he’s not gay… just another dickhead taking his porn viewing beyond the pale. It’s endemic, if that’s some cold comfort, OP, absolutely endemic. Porn is very damaging to the fundamental structure of family and relationships.

What kind of life do you want with him and how does his ‘big reveal’ (and the way he is facing the reality of what he’s done) impact the life you want with him?
Don’t answer me or anyone here. These are questions for you to ponder privately over the next few days.

And even if wiseone is so wise and 100% correct (and that’s an enormous IF), does that mean we women just have to shut our pretty little mouths, dry our tears, and let our men be men and fulfill their needs at the expense of our own sense of self worth? The more women like wise spout their tolerance and acceptance, as if they’re the liberal, open-minded, exploratory women the world needs, the more we’re frogmarched into a collective corner of shame, where our voice, our confidence, and our sense of self worth goes to fall on the sword of men’s ‘needs’. We’re supposed to just be ok with this shit because all guys do it. That’s the message. Every. Fucking. Time. It’s not ok because you’re not ok with it, OP and that matters a great deal. How you feel counts! You shouldn’t have to be ok with this! And no, not all guys are watching porn- certainly not at the rate your husband is. True, there are worse out there. But this isn’t a race to the bottom up for debate here. You’ll hear: He’s the normal one here. You are the intolerant one… the one with the issues.
Your response to that is: Pull the other one. Fuck this shit. I want respect. I don’t want porn in my marriage, and I want my children to have a better example as a parent.

@ninamaccisagoddess

Firstly, shemale is an offensive term. Please don't use it.

Secondly, sexuality is very fluid these days and many 'straight' men experiment with gay and transgender porn. I'm a bisexual female and often watch gay porn, I actually prefer it to straight porn. Similarly I know gay men who prefer straight porn.

Of course you don't have to stay with anyone if you don't want to for whatever reason, including porn or bicuriosity.

If 'shemale' is an offensive term, is it okay to call it as it is and say 'bloke with fake tits'?

Yeah, about that whole shemale is an offensive term thing…
What’s offensive is the kids walking in on daddy when he’s sitting in his own hot mess he made over some fucked up bloke with fake tits.
Oh but thanks to online porn viewing, men no longer have to parade the streets looking for a hooker. Phew! Problem solved. Those unruly boys, eh?
Again…

Oh but thanks to online porn viewing, men no longer have to parade the streets looking for a hooker.

@TheVanguardSix And of course I bet it doesn't really stop them really. If a bloke is really crazily into porn/sex, some of them are probably up for that as well.

My ex was a sleazeball and he often mentioned the idea of us hiring a sex worker for a threesome etc. He would put on his trans porn while I was in the room.

My best friends husband was given this ultimatum. He didn’t. They broke up. They are both miserable and their family is broken. It is so short sighted to not get the help when it’s needed. Sit him down and tell him that the relationship is worth fighting for and you need him to fight.

Your friend’s family is broken because the husband fucked up and carelessly took a wrecking ball to his family. The family is not miserable because a) they didn’t go to counselling and b) the wife didn’t fix things. The family is miserable ENTIRELY because of his actions. If he doesn’t heed and respect the ultimatum and understand that the root of the ultimatum comes from a place of her pain and humiliation, then why should she be flogging that dead horse called counselling for an unwilling partner who has ignored her wishes in the first place? Your friend tried. Your friend’s husband did not.

@DinosaurDiana

I wouldn’t stay married to him, he has betrayed you and he won’t stop. I would be on the phone to a solicitor right now and I’d be asking him to move out and give you some space.

Why do so many people always jump straight to the "He is bastard, divorce him and get his pension" stage. Sounds like he has accepted he is totally in the wrong and is doing all he can to make up for it. Perhaps they love each other and will make this work and have a long and happy marriage. Good luck to them both.