Who makes the "big decisions" in your house?

[ohsodit]

Curious after a convo with dh last night

Apparently I do

This means for eg that

• I am the one who spends hours (days even!) trawling the internet for a house to rent for the summer (only for him to say "that's no good I don't like the pool" or "oh that one looks like it's near a road I don't want it) so I keep searching til I find something we both agree on

so - JOINT DECISION with me doing all the work

• I am the one who spends hours trawling the internet for a new mortgage deal every 2 or 3 years - he has NO interest in this sort of thing - I find the best 3 options and present them to him and we agree on one

so - JOINT DECISION with me doing all the work

I could carry on....

but I can't be bothered

So do I just let him do it? And treat him how he treats me (reject all holidays, have minimal interest in mortgage). He is not the type to spend ages comparing all the options I know.

What do you do?

dh never does the "for you" thing that I can think of

Why do most men seem to think that doing everyday tasks is something that we should be grateful for? I mean they live in the house, they contribute to the mess etc. It seems illogical. Do you ever hears your dh say "oh thanks for doing the washing" or "gosh the floor looks clean well done you mopping it"

(this doesn't really apply to me as I am a slattern, all I do is cook and dh always says thank you)

Same result for me bossykate!!

have done quiz.

I have achieved the perfect balance between control and letting go.

Dp would disagree quite strongly with this result.

yes will have to change my name to "perfectbalancebetweencontrolandlettinggokate"

I do a lot of the day-to-day admin stuff, banking etc and i prefer it that way - DH is crap with money!

Household chores are mainly his domain, but I do help out as much as I can being 39+2 pg!

I would say sometimes I just get on and do, and dont allow him input, but he also knows all he has to do is ask/offer and Im sure we can come to a joint decision.

Regarding buying anything - always joint decisions. I wouldnt go out and spend over £20 on something without his agreement.

Mutual respect.

I am 40% control freak

Puddle yes!!!!

The "I've put the washing out FOR YOU " thing drives me spare!!!

It's for all of us you twit or we'd be knickerless & shirtless by Tuesday!!!

It was one of my first rows with DH when we got married. (I row - he does an impression of a brick wall, will NOT argue soooo frusrating)

He was great at doing stuff when asked but would never do anything off his own bat. 15 years later he will do certain things by rote but STILL asks "what's for tea" when we've BOTH been out at work, & will happily ignore a ton of dirty pots to read the paper or go off with his mate for a bike ride. I tend to do chores & reward myself or else nothing gets done.

Major stuff like holidays & mortgage is initiated by me for the same reasons you've all said.

My results from the quiz

There's no way you're a control freak. You're totally laid back - and able to take life as it comes.
While you definitely have a healthy mental attitude, don't get suckered into letting someone control you.

24% on the quiz-

"You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go.
You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent. "

mmmmmn got me on a good day methinks!!

Me. It takes too much time and effort to get DH to make any.

I think I am quite lucky. dh will readily do chores and is very houseproud.He never looks for thanks though I do say 'thanks for doing that' as I do appreciate it especially as I am 39 weeks pg!

I think we make rods for own backs.I insist on organising everything then moan when it all gets too much

56% for me

84% OMG!!!!!

was mrsembarrased before this, now the name is very relevant!

oh right
so it surfs the net for days and draws up shortlists of villas?

DH and I are both quite bossy/responsible (both eldest children and it shows!). I tend to do the finance and household admin stuff, but I see that as my job since I only do paid work 2 days a week. He is very good at sorting out holidays, finding resturants, organising days out. This thread has made me realise how much I take that for granted!

I've noticed that my sister who is still very laid back/inclined to let other people do all the work when we are all together as a family does actually do a hugely organised job, running a business and bringing up two children when I'm not there so I do wonder how much is just the roles that we slip into with other people!

ahh yes
I am eldest
dh is not

I wonder if that has something to do with it

He makes all the decisions - not because I'm not interested or too lazy to do the research work but because if I ever come up with an idea he poopoos it and tells me (not in so many words) that because I am not paying I do not have a say. I am not paying for those things becuase I only work part time and the money I do earn goes on household bills /childcare etc etc.

I woudn't even dream of looking up holidays as I would get such a flea in the ear for being so selfish that we never go on any - other than a couple of 'free' weeks at my Mums cottage in Kent by the seaside.

House decorating - any kind of building work - it never gets done - we are living in a building site as DH won't chase up quotes, won't make decisions - If I ever 'nag' about it and suggest we get chase up quotes etc - flea in the ear about money again! We are looking at Christmas with no radiators or fireplace - half done plaster on the walls - dust everywhere. My Mum nags me to nag him but I am scared to!

Both of us. We talk about it, argue about it try to convince each other of our rightness if we happen to disagree, just go with it if we both agree.

But there have been times when we have been totally unable to agree, no matter how long we debate it. Those times we, well, it kind of falls into place. Sometimes he 'puts his foot down' sometimes I say things like "Do what you like but remember that if it all turns to shit I will go on and on and on about it forever." and he changes his mind

Also, if it (whatever it is) affects one person more than the other, then the person most affected by it, gets the final decision, iyswim.

On the whole thought, it's very arbitrary, but we get there in the end.

I think we are pretty balanced. I'd make decisions about house stuff (which builders to employ, buying appliances and furniture, moving house etc), and do all the day today domestic admin stuff. He has neither the time nor inclination to bother with it, and trusts my judgement.

He makes decisions abut savings, investments, mortgages, legal stuff etc, because he knows more about it and I can't be bothered to learn more.

We always run big ideas past the other one before going ahead.

The only sticking point in our decison making is holiday plans. He comes up with imaginative ludicrous ideas and I veto them. Then we reach an impasse.

Oh. and I am 84% control freak according to that test linked to above.

And dh is 52% control freak.

But I did his test for him because I felt I'd put the correct answers.

I am 16%

DH is the control freak

72%. and proud of it (see how my therapy is working in allowing me to accept who I am? See.. See!) Marina, bk - you lied on your answers I'm sure.

Tbh the fact I have to control everything doesn't bother me anymore - but I know that if I was working as well it would bother me tremendously - just another reason I am better of as a SAHM. And dh has jsut enough say in the decision making process (we agree parameters, I find things that fit, we jointly agree on final one, though I usually get my way as I am in charge of pitching the alternatives to him and the silly man trusts me