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Original poster

Groom wedding nerves

73 replies

WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:48

So my partner was away for a few days and sent a message saying how nervous he is about the wedding and not sure if he can go through with it, he loves me but he is terrified.
I said I understand and if he wants me to cancel the wedding I will do as he wants.
His reply was 'no don't cancel it' 'I just wanted you to know how I'm feeling' I understand he's nervous but we have only our parents and children coming to the ceremony so he doesn't have to talk in-front of loads of people.
It was also his idea in the first place, he kept asking me to start wedding planning and arranging things as we had been engaged for a long time.
Now I don't know what to do? He hasn't said much else and the wedding is in 8 weeks!

Back story - 3 children, nearly ten years together.

OP posts:
cauliflowerkorma · 16/06/2021 18:53

Can he articulate what it is he is nervous about? Is he nervous about the wedding or about being married?

randomkey123 · 16/06/2021 18:54

10 years and 3 kids and he's not sure?

That's a slap in the face. How on earth are you supposed to respond to that?

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:55

@cauliflowerkorma

Can he articulate what it is he is nervous about? Is he nervous about the wedding or about being married?
He said it's speaking infront of people, literally my parents, his parents & our children. I'm starting to wonder if it's something else Hmm
OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:56

@randomkey123

10 years and 3 kids and he's not sure?

That's a slap in the face. How on earth are you supposed to respond to that?

Right Confused I just put a shocked face emoji at first as I wasn't sure where it all came from!
OP posts:
baldafrique · 16/06/2021 18:58

So its social anxiety regarding his speech? Does he have to do a speech? Maybe he would enjoy the day more if he didnt do one?

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:59

@baldafrique

So its social anxiety regarding his speech? Does he have to do a speech? Maybe he would enjoy the day more if he didnt do one?
No speech, just the vows (the repeating of what the registrar says)
OP posts:
YarnOver · 16/06/2021 19:00

Wow
I'm not sure how the vows in front of only nearest and dearest is a problem. I would want to know exactly what was wrong before I married him tbh.

baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:01

Oh gosh, that is quite extreme then! Does he generally hate being the centre of attention? He needs a glass of wine and to suck it up really!

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:02

@YarnOver

Wow I'm not sure how the vows in front of only nearest and dearest is a problem. I would want to know exactly what was wrong before I married him tbh.
Yeah I definitely need to figure out if something else is up. I did ask after our initial conversation but he said it's nothing else Hmm
OP posts:
Wanttocry · 16/06/2021 19:03

He said it's speaking infront of people, literally my parents, his parents & our children. I'm starting to wonder if it's something else

If this is the only issue (ie you have no other reason to be concerned about his commitment) and it fits with his character, then just tell him he doesn’t have to make a speech? Or does he mean the actual vows?
My DH was nervous about the vows, purely because any situation where he is the centre of attention makes him deeply uncomfortable. But that has always been the case, so his nerves about the vows didn’t worry or surprise me (and we also had a very small wedding).

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2021 19:03

Together 10 years and you have 3 kids? Nope. Would not be having any of this "terrified" nonsense and would not be marrying him.

cauliflowerkorma · 16/06/2021 19:03

Does he generally suffer massively with
Social anxiety and even with
Close family?

Dontbeme · 16/06/2021 19:04

OP do you want to go ahead with the wedding? I don't mean for the kids, or family, or financial comfort or any reasons to hold life together but do you actually want to go ahead with a wedding to a man that would send you a text like this eight weeks before your wedding and not say much else? Do you think it might be an idea to postpone and have some couples counseling to help you communicate with each other? It's not right for him to send that message and then not say much else, I would be filled with doubt if I received that message and be very hurt.

BluebellsGreenbells · 16/06/2021 19:04

Can you practice the vows? Like any speech the more you practice the more natural it becomes

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:04

@baldafrique

Oh gosh, that is quite extreme then! Does he generally hate being the centre of attention? He needs a glass of wine and to suck it up really!
He does have anxiety and is on medication but he is a loud type and always the centre of attention IMO. Not a shy person at all.
OP posts:
baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:04

Social phobia can be that severe easily. My DF didnt even come to his golden wedding anniversary party as he didnt want to be looked at - no speaking required at all in front of anyone!

baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:05

I personally think your partner needs to get a grip and get on with it tho!

litterbird · 16/06/2021 19:05

I think this is akin to stage fright. Something I have had in the past. He is worrying himself sick with standing up in front of people (doesn't matter how many and who they are) with them focusing on him and him only when he speaks. Its a real fear and I believe this is what he is talking about, not the fact he is worried about marrying you. Talk to him and acknowledge with him that he has this fear of speaking in front of people. It is a terrifying feeling and he will feel anxious, terrified, fretful and it may get worse the closer you get to the date. Try and work with him through these fears by practising vows with people you trust. If he rehearses the vows many times it will take the fear away from him. Once again, this is not about marrying you, its just the fear of being focused on whilst repeating vows.

baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:06

He better not bail at the last minute! (As my DF did at his party)

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:07

@Wanttocry

He said it's speaking infront of people, literally my parents, his parents & our children. I'm starting to wonder if it's something else

If this is the only issue (ie you have no other reason to be concerned about his commitment) and it fits with his character, then just tell him he doesn’t have to make a speech? Or does he mean the actual vows?
My DH was nervous about the vows, purely because any situation where he is the centre of attention makes him deeply uncomfortable. But that has always been the case, so his nerves about the vows didn’t worry or surprise me (and we also had a very small wedding).

I don't have any other concerns this just seems kind of out of the blue and I don't think it's something not to get married over. Everyone has nerves but it's not something I would say 'i don't think I can do it' over
OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:07

@cauliflowerkorma

Does he generally suffer massively with Social anxiety and even with Close family?
No he's very close with his parents and mine
OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:08

@BluebellsGreenbells

Can you practice the vows? Like any speech the more you practice the more natural it becomes
I did send what he will have to repeat to him to practice
OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:09

@baldafrique

He better not bail at the last minute! (As my DF did at his party)
Let's hope not Blush
OP posts:
Dontbeme · 16/06/2021 19:12

This is shit, you should be enjoying the lead up to the wedding and be feeling excited, not this. So sorry OP I hope he comes to his senses and deals with this.

NinaMimi · 16/06/2021 19:12

I wouldn’t be worried about this. It just sounds like nerves about going through with the ceremony rather than being married. I’m sure I’ll feel nervous at my wedding but it doesn’t mean nerves about the marriage. He maybe should have kept his feelings to himself and not worried you but maybe he just wanted to voice how he felt.

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