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Original poster

Groom wedding nerves

73 replies

WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:48

So my partner was away for a few days and sent a message saying how nervous he is about the wedding and not sure if he can go through with it, he loves me but he is terrified.
I said I understand and if he wants me to cancel the wedding I will do as he wants.
His reply was 'no don't cancel it' 'I just wanted you to know how I'm feeling' I understand he's nervous but we have only our parents and children coming to the ceremony so he doesn't have to talk in-front of loads of people.
It was also his idea in the first place, he kept asking me to start wedding planning and arranging things as we had been engaged for a long time.
Now I don't know what to do? He hasn't said much else and the wedding is in 8 weeks!

Back story - 3 children, nearly ten years together.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 16/06/2021 22:40

Get your ducks in a row.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/06/2021 23:01

Get your ducks in a row

This ^^

Sometimes when folk get together and have DCs very young, one of them gets cold feet and decides "there's more to life than this"
It's just a pity he didn't think of that before fathering the children ...

Peach01 · 17/06/2021 00:03

You have 3 kids and now he's having second thoughts about commitment? You don't deserve that thrown in your face.

Pantsomime · 17/06/2021 00:11

If it’s nerves get him to record his speech. He can play it at the wedding on full blast- preamble I’m nervous so recorded what I really wan to convey …If you think he’s going to dump you- get him married then at least if he does you have some legal rights as you have 3 children & I think will have more protection as a wife than gf

honeylulu · 17/06/2021 08:21

I came on here to say that I have friends who both hated the idea of saying vows. When mixed sex civil partnerships became legal they booked straight away (no vows just signing in front of witnesses). That's what I was going to suggest.

But his first message is really off. "Too much committment"? For what? For who? As opposed to three children and a house you share? That's really quite worrying.

I do think you need to get him to go through with it if you can as it will give you better protection (I assume you have been the main childcarer and lost earning power.)

booboo24 · 17/06/2021 08:31

You're so young, so based on that my opinion is different than what I'd say to someone 10 years older (plus I married my childhood boyfriend when I was 21, we'd been together 7 years by then - we split 16 years later but I don't regret a thing). He has cold feet, everyone does at some point, even if its just fleeting, if they're honest, although his sound extremely cold right now. I do think it's great that he felt able to be honest with you about it, but I would be miffed that he waited until it was so close to decide he needed to stop and think. That said I would postpone the wedding, and tell him he must open up about what's going on, no clamming up or dressing things up. If you can work through whatever it is then you can get married at a later date. To clarify, if you were both older my advice would be to get out of the relationship, but you've both hurled yourselves into serious adulthood (as did I, and I remember thinking when I got together with my now fiance at 39 that this was my first adult relationship!) and therefore I think it's ok for you to have these wobbles. Iron them out now though before progressing. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 17/06/2021 09:15

Having spoken last night he does want to postpone the wedding. Now to cancel everything and let everyone know Blush
You've all been very kind and thank you for all of your help Smile

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 17/06/2021 09:42

Ah love Flowers

Make this as easy on yourself as possible… agree what you're going to tell people (with the exception of your parents/a few close friends - he will have talked to people about how he’s feeling, and you deserve to be able to do the same, it’ll help more than you could know) and then work down a list.

I’d let him do the brunt of cancelling. Not as punishment, but just to make this a bit easier on you. It won’t affect him as much, as he knew he wanted this; and it’s his decision.

Then you might find space helps, for a bit.

Learn from my mid-20s mistakes and don’t keep this to yourself so that your friends don’t think badly of him; though. Pick a couple of close friends that you can confide in, so you aren’t keeping up a big charade for everyone. They’ll understand that people are complex, and they’ll be able to support you better.

TheDevils · 17/06/2021 09:52

@TakeYourFinalPosition

Ah love Flowers

Make this as easy on yourself as possible… agree what you're going to tell people (with the exception of your parents/a few close friends - he will have talked to people about how he’s feeling, and you deserve to be able to do the same, it’ll help more than you could know) and then work down a list.

I’d let him do the brunt of cancelling. Not as punishment, but just to make this a bit easier on you. It won’t affect him as much, as he knew he wanted this; and it’s his decision.

Then you might find space helps, for a bit.

Learn from my mid-20s mistakes and don’t keep this to yourself so that your friends don’t think badly of him; though. Pick a couple of close friends that you can confide in, so you aren’t keeping up a big charade for everyone. They’ll understand that people are complex, and they’ll be able to support you better.

This is all such good advice.
bigbaggyeyes · 17/06/2021 10:38

Having spoken last night he does want to postpone the wedding. Now to cancel everything and let everyone know
You've all been very kind and thank you for all of your help

I hope he's not expecting you to run round and do all the cancelling and telling people. He also needs to live by his decisions and take the questions and awkward conversations.

Newestname001 · 17/06/2021 10:54

@WeddingMayhem

I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's a tough place to be in, especially as you have young children.

I hope he's not expecting you to run round and do all the cancelling and telling people. He also needs to live by his decisions and take the questions and awkward conversations.

I do agree this this ^^ but with the caveat that you know where any deposits/payments will be repaid to. A joint account? Or an account only you have access to?

It may be that his need to postpone/cancel your wedding has no ulterior motive - but best protect yourself in case anything hurtful appears out of the woodwork to your/your children's financial disadvantage.

Sending strength to you, OP. 🌹

romdowa · 17/06/2021 10:55

@WeddingMayhem

Having spoken last night he does want to postpone the wedding. Now to cancel everything and let everyone know Blush You've all been very kind and thank you for all of your help Smile
If he is backing out then he should do the cancelling and letting everyone know.
MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 17/06/2021 11:00

If he is backing out then he should do the cancelling and letting everyone know.
100% don’t let him leave the (emotionally fraught) grunt work to you OP.
I’d very much considering the relationship as a whole after this too. “Too much commitment” but 3 kids is ok? That doesn’t sit right with me at all. Maybe he hasn’t had his head turned, but something is going on. What is your financial set up? Will you be left in the lurch if you were to split? I’d be suggesting you use any recouped wedding money on counselling asap.

layla9000 · 17/06/2021 13:07

So sorry to hear this Op. I'd normally say that a cancelled wedding is better than a divorce, but in this case you have two children, so it just sounds like he wants (or at least wanted) the benefits of being in a couple / family, but doesn't think he wants to be with you long term (otherwise why have a problem with marriage?). I hope having children hasn't disadvantaged you financially (earnings-capacility wise). If it has, then he's showing you what he thinks of you. Please tell me you won't accept going back to just being a couple after this? If after 3 children he isn't sure he wants to be with you longterm, he never will be, and you deserve so much more.

layla9000 · 17/06/2021 13:08

Sorry that should have said 3 children of course.

gmailconfusion2 · 17/06/2021 13:13

I can sympathise, both of us hate everyone staring at us, we went for the shortest option of vows, the fewest people possible and just rushed to get it over with

BumBurnerBum · 17/06/2021 13:19

I too would be reconsidering the whole relationship.

That is a horrible thing he has done and I can't see any justification for it.

Too much commitment?? Relieve him of any commitment now.

Opentooffers · 17/06/2021 13:22

Eik! I was going to suggest doing all you can to ensure the wedding happens, even if it's just so you are better protected by divorce. Unless, you earn more and have more assets anyway, then you should totally split. Being away a lot is a big clue. Sorry, but I suspect he's met or is with someone while he's away currently.

purpleboy · 17/06/2021 13:39

Sorry op, I hope your doing ok, this really must be a horrible shock for you.

partyatthepalace · 17/06/2021 13:47

Bloody hell, you have 3 kids.

When he gets back I would bollock him from a height, what a stupid thing to send. I would point out you need to get married to formalise the massive commitment you already have. If he doesn’t want to do that - out.

He is probably just acting like a stupid man child but fucking hell. You could offer to dump the ‘wedding’ bit and just do the reg office and have lunch with the kids after.

But if he really won’t do it I would end it on the grounds that he clearly isn’t committed.

partyatthepalace · 17/06/2021 13:47

Sorry Op, just read your update.

I hope you are doing Ok. Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2021 19:01

I would point out you need to get married to formalise the massive commitment you already have

Unless OP has a way of kidnapping him, trussing him up and delivering him to the register office there's really not much point - and even then they wouldn't marry them as it shouldn't be done under duress

If he doesn't want to get married he doesn't; it's awful that he's made this decision after having the DCs, but in fairness OP also chose not to wait until she had the ring on her finger (not that this guarantees anything either)

tillytown · 21/06/2021 09:02

Sorry this happened OP, you deserve someone who really loves you, and thats not this guy.
I'm not sure why the person above me is trying to put some of the blame for his shitty behaviour on you, people are weird sometimes.

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