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Original poster

Groom wedding nerves

73 replies

WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 18:48

So my partner was away for a few days and sent a message saying how nervous he is about the wedding and not sure if he can go through with it, he loves me but he is terrified.
I said I understand and if he wants me to cancel the wedding I will do as he wants.
His reply was 'no don't cancel it' 'I just wanted you to know how I'm feeling' I understand he's nervous but we have only our parents and children coming to the ceremony so he doesn't have to talk in-front of loads of people.
It was also his idea in the first place, he kept asking me to start wedding planning and arranging things as we had been engaged for a long time.
Now I don't know what to do? He hasn't said much else and the wedding is in 8 weeks!

Back story - 3 children, nearly ten years together.

OP posts:
baldafrique · 16/06/2021 19:15

It does seem a bit off him transferring his anxieties to you but maybe he wanted support?

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:18

@NinaMimi

I wouldn’t be worried about this. It just sounds like nerves about going through with the ceremony rather than being married. I’m sure I’ll feel nervous at my wedding but it doesn’t mean nerves about the marriage. He maybe should have kept his feelings to himself and not worried you but maybe he just wanted to voice how he felt.
Yeah maybe I shouldn't be worried but it's made me think as it's such a small thing is it really the only thing that's bothering him?
OP posts:
Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:19

@baldafrique

It does seem a bit off him transferring his anxieties to you but maybe he wanted support?
Yeah it's just made my mind go into overdrive to be honest. I will try and have a proper talk tonight now he's home and once the children are in bed.
OP posts:
rainbowmash · 16/06/2021 19:25

Jeez - a man says he's nervous and reaches out to his partner for support, and we all pile on with "get on with it" and "he's covering something up" and "his feelings are irrational".

I'm not normally the one to stick up for genuinely dithering blokes, but this is shameful.

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:34

More info I just re read the message back and he has turned it from this..

'I don't think I can do this marrying thing it's scary it such a big commitment it's not that I don't love you but I don't think I'm ready mentally for it I been thinking it for a while but I don't want to let anyone down'

To basically saying that his message came out wrong he's just terrified of speaking infront of people.

Now I've looked back on that message (that I read at about 4am whilst up with our youngest) it seems much worse than I thought

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 16/06/2021 19:37

I don’t think I’d get married after that first message.

He’s not ready for the commitment. Can you postpone and use Covid as an excuse for a bit?

I’d be scared now that he’s going along with something he doesn’t really want, which doesn’t bode well, and isn’t exactly the new wedding vibes that you want.

The “shyness” thing didn’t seem likely to be true for such a small wedding anyway, and it’s even less likely if he’s usually happy being the centre of attention… I’d have to take that message at face value, but you need to decide what your way forward is.

I’m sorry Flowers

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:42

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I don’t think I’d get married after that first message.

He’s not ready for the commitment. Can you postpone and use Covid as an excuse for a bit?

I’d be scared now that he’s going along with something he doesn’t really want, which doesn’t bode well, and isn’t exactly the new wedding vibes that you want.

The “shyness” thing didn’t seem likely to be true for such a small wedding anyway, and it’s even less likely if he’s usually happy being the centre of attention… I’d have to take that message at face value, but you need to decide what your way forward is.

I’m sorry Flowers

That's exactly how I feel now, like the shyness was an excuse for something bigger and he would just be doing it to please me. Thank you
OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/06/2021 19:48

How can he possibly be nervous just repeating vows in front of you, his parents and his children. I could understand a speech in front of 100 people. FF;s I I once did a live drawing class naked in front of 35 people and I'm old and fat.
He is being absurd.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/06/2021 19:50

So he can't get married because it's too big a committment, ff's what kind of committment is three kids together?
I'd be absolutely fuming.

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 19:50

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

So he can't get married because it's too big a committment, ff's what kind of committment is three kids together? I'd be absolutely fuming.
Right?!
OP posts:
Echobelly · 16/06/2021 19:51

It does sound very much like the nerves are about the speech and not about the relationship, I'd take OP's word for it!

espressoontap · 16/06/2021 19:53

Surely having three kids is a bigger commitment than getting married?! Why doesn't he want to commit? What an idiot.

OrchestraOfWankery · 16/06/2021 19:54

Three kids? But he doesn't want the commitment of marriage?

bigbaggyeyes · 16/06/2021 20:04

I was going to say that social anxiety can be awful, I suffer this and I married my dh with only 2 witnesses who I didn't know. But after reading your last updated I think he's using that as an excuse

Sunflower1970 · 16/06/2021 20:33

Good in him for being honest about his feelings. A good basis for a successful marriage xx

Sparklfairy · 16/06/2021 20:37

@Sunflower1970

Good in him for being honest about his feelings. A good basis for a successful marriage xx
If it ever gets to that point Hmm
AntiHop · 16/06/2021 20:38

@Sunflower1970

Good in him for being honest about his feelings. A good basis for a successful marriage xx
Have you rtft?!
AntiHop · 16/06/2021 20:41

I'd be furious. You have three children ffs.
Is it possible he's had his head turned, or started an affair?

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 21:30

@AntiHop

I'd be furious. You have three children ffs. Is it possible he's had his head turned, or started an affair?
Could be possible, he's away a lot. But we seem to be in such a great place right now that I highly doubt it.
OP posts:
DoverCliffs · 16/06/2021 21:39

@Shehasadiamondinthesky
"FF;s I I once did a live drawing class naked in front of 35 people and I'm old and fat.
He is being absurd."
Do you suffer from social anxiety?
If not your comment is irrelevant and insulting to people who do.

SarahDarah · 16/06/2021 21:42

Even before I finished reading I knew you'd been together a long time. If it's taken him this long to get to the stage of marriage,he was never sure in the first place if he would commit to you Flowers

Men who want to commit and are sure of their girlfriends don't waste time - they're actually excited to get married and to legally commit to love of their lives! You made a big mistake sticking with him wirhout marriage and also having kids with him. But what is done is done.

I would suggest going to couples counselling

FinallyFluid · 16/06/2021 21:46

I call Bull shit, cancel the wedding and move him out, he hasn't committed after ten years and now he is on some sort of home straight he is bricking it. Hmm

I smell someone else's perfume.

SkinnyEx · 16/06/2021 22:14

Cherchez la femme.

I can understand that a groom might be anxious, but my spidey senses would say that the wedding was future faking. Away a lot, hmm?

Sorry. I'm not having a good evening.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2021 22:20

Too much commitment? He’s taking the piss OP. You deserve someone who’s ready to run down the aisle with you and you’re not getting that from him. How insulting.

Why didn’t you get married before the three kids and a decade? How long ago did you plan your wedding?

Original poster
WeddingMayhem · 16/06/2021 22:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Too much commitment? He’s taking the piss OP. You deserve someone who’s ready to run down the aisle with you and you’re not getting that from him. How insulting.

Why didn’t you get married before the three kids and a decade? How long ago did you plan your wedding?

We had kids pretty young, we're only in our mid twenties now. Have only been planning wedding since the start of this year but it's nothing extravagant as we both wanted it small. Registry office wedding, small after party. UK holiday afterwards with children.
OP posts: