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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

saw friend's long term partner on Tinder

75 replies

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:10

I know this is asked a lot on here and the general consensus seems to be to tell the friend but i'm wondering whether to just keep out of it? Or by keeping out of it and not getting involved does that make me a bad friend?

Bit of backstory, I've been friends with Anna for about 7 years, she used to help look after my son. We always got on really well but weren't close close buddies. Then she met a guy Sam about 3 years ago and i'm sorry to say it but he's a complete knob. (he puts her down, he's a know it all, very immature kind of guy) I tried to keep my feelings to myself but she kept asking me for advice, I told her not to ignore the red flags she was experiencing. Anyway ultimately she ignored my advice, moved in with him in a new house which she can't afford the mortgage on her own and made a go of it. I showed her positive vibes although I didn't really feel it. She kind of faded from me after that - maybe she just thought I didn't like her boyfriend so it felt awkward being friends with me.

Anyway now i've seen him on Tinder. I haven't heard from any official sources if they've split up or not, but I see he's unfriended her from facebook and that's all I know.

Do I get in touch with a general hello and only bring it up if she states they're still together or do I keep out of it completely. Part of me thinks I should, the other part thinks well she wasn't interested in my advice to start with so why would she now? I also don't want to appear like some sort of busybody, maybe I should just keep out of it, none of my business?

Sorry for this repetitive kind of post, it's not always simple though. Any thoughts appreciated

OP posts:

ChangePart1 · 15/06/2021 21:11

Yes, message her. Honestly, that’s what friends do.

I was in her position and I would have been devastated if my friend had kept it to herself. It would have been unconscionable.

Message her and ask if you can give her a ring and tell her. Take screenshots in case she wants them.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 21:14

Yeah I'd message her and gage things from there.

Hey may have unfriended her on fb due to a break up or it might be so that other women he dates don't do some googling and find him with her on there.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2021 21:17

I'd message her.

Aprilx · 15/06/2021 21:21

As far as I can tell, you aren’t in touch with her anymore and it seems like this is due to your dislike (which I am not suggesting was not justified) of her partner. You are not close enough to know if they have split or not either? So no, I don’t think contacting her out of the blue to tell her that you have seen her partner, or indeed former partner, on tinder is a great idea. If I have misunderstood and you are still friends then I would have a different answer.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:26

well we are still friends on facebook and she occasionally likes my posts. We haven't fallen out over it, we've just become more distant. I don't know if the true reason is because she knows I don't like him, or if she's just changed path in her life since meeting a partner and that's how we've ended up distancing a bit. I don't want to seem like a busybody intefering in her business. Thanks for the replies so far

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers40 · 15/06/2021 21:34

Could he have blocked u on FB and that's why u can't see him on her friend list?

me4real · 15/06/2021 21:36

If they're not friends on FB anymore I'd assume they've split up, maybe acrimoniously.

I wouldn't mention the Tinder thing. Phone her for a chat. If she's just been through a breakup she'll probably appreciate a friend.

Obviously if she is still involved with him you could mention the Tinder. Otherwise not- she mightn't want to hear he's trying to meet someone new/think of it.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:41

Good point @me4real she might not want to know if they've split up. On saying that though they've split up several times and got back together which is where it makes things difficult I suppose.

@sunshineandshowers40 he hasn't blocked me, I can see his profile and our mutual friends, she isn't one of them despite her being still friends with me, that's how I know he's unfriended her

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:51

Ok so i've just messaged her to ask her if she wants to catch up for a coffee on Saturday afternoon. Won't mention 'Tindergate' just yet. Just awaiting a reply..

OP posts:

Christmasbird · 15/06/2021 21:59

Send anonymously. Id want to know, thats just me though.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 22:00

She's replied.. said she's not available Saturday as she's going to London. I said 'are you going with Sam and the boys?' and she said yes, she's really excited about it, she's also going with Laura and her son. (names have all been changed). I said no problem i'll catch up with you soon.

I feel really sad now. She obviously doesn't know. And they obviously haven't split up. I don't want to ruin her London plans. I'm friends with Laura on facebook also, do I message her and tell her instead? This is even more difficult than I thought... Maybe he was just having another one of his 'being a knob' moments and he's come off Tinder now? Eeeeek

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 22:07

In that case I would screenshot his profile and text it to her with 'sorry to be the barer of bad news...this is kinda why I wanted to meet you on Saturday. Maybe its not him though? :( but I thought I couldn't just ignore it'.

philosopherspebble · 15/06/2021 22:11

I would normally say yes, tell her. But the fact that your friendship waned because she sensed your dislike of him… I don’t think it will go well for you if you do.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 22:11

Try get a screenshot where the picture is not one you could have got somewhere else (eg: from his fb) so he cant accuse you of making the profile or some shit.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 22:13

It's definitely him, he's extremely distinctive. Even has photos on there with her cut off. I'm wondering whether to just wait until they've had their nice weekend in London and then tell her early next week. It's going to ruin her weekend and she'll feel awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 22:14

I have screenshots of his whole profile on Tinder there's no mistaking it for me being malicious in any way.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 22:18

Hmm..it's a difficult one. Maybe they'll have a bust up in london. Trips away tend to bring out the arseholery in arseholes.

My knee jerk reaction would just be to tell her asap and rip the plaster off. But yeah...if you'll see her early next week anyway then what's a few more days I guess. Plus the Laura girl n her kid maybe really need the break.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 22:18

I've never shown any negativity towards her and Sam being together since they moved in together a couple of years ago. I've kept my opinions to myself as she's stopped asking for my opinion. She's still friendly enough with me in her messages though and did seem enthusiastic about meeting up with me soon. IDK what to do

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 15/06/2021 22:21

If they live together she probably already suspects that he is a cheating git tbf.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 22:22

That's what i'm thinking @Umbrellatheweatha I'm sure they all need to the break to be fair after all this covid stuff. I'm sure his assholery antics can wait to be exposed just a few more days until they've done their London trip.. I wish i'd never seen the damned profile now.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/06/2021 22:22

Well you’ve had it confirmed that they’re still together.

So the right thing to do is tell her. I know you’re probably scared of anger and rejection from her if you tell her, but it’s the right thing to do.

So your call. Do the right thing or walk away whistling nonchalantly and leave her to invest further in a man who is betraying her.

anunexaminedlife · 15/06/2021 22:23

I would honestly rather know now, if I was her, than go on a trip to London with a man who is actively seeking out sex with other woman. I would feel so embarrassed and humiliated.

ILoveShula · 15/06/2021 22:24

@Umberellatheweatha, that is so often not the case.

ILoveShula · 15/06/2021 22:26

It's the messenger that gets shot. I think I would word it in a 'If you had a friend and her partner was on Tinder, would you tell her?' and let her ask you.

wheresthehope · 15/06/2021 22:29

I think I would message him and tell him to sort himself out or you will let her know you’ve seen his tinder profile. Then tell her

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