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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

saw friend's long term partner on Tinder

75 replies

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:10

I know this is asked a lot on here and the general consensus seems to be to tell the friend but i'm wondering whether to just keep out of it? Or by keeping out of it and not getting involved does that make me a bad friend?

Bit of backstory, I've been friends with Anna for about 7 years, she used to help look after my son. We always got on really well but weren't close close buddies. Then she met a guy Sam about 3 years ago and i'm sorry to say it but he's a complete knob. (he puts her down, he's a know it all, very immature kind of guy) I tried to keep my feelings to myself but she kept asking me for advice, I told her not to ignore the red flags she was experiencing. Anyway ultimately she ignored my advice, moved in with him in a new house which she can't afford the mortgage on her own and made a go of it. I showed her positive vibes although I didn't really feel it. She kind of faded from me after that - maybe she just thought I didn't like her boyfriend so it felt awkward being friends with me.

Anyway now i've seen him on Tinder. I haven't heard from any official sources if they've split up or not, but I see he's unfriended her from facebook and that's all I know.

Do I get in touch with a general hello and only bring it up if she states they're still together or do I keep out of it completely. Part of me thinks I should, the other part thinks well she wasn't interested in my advice to start with so why would she now? I also don't want to appear like some sort of busybody, maybe I should just keep out of it, none of my business?

Sorry for this repetitive kind of post, it's not always simple though. Any thoughts appreciated

OP posts:

AttaGirrrrl · 15/06/2021 22:33

I’ve been ‘Anna’. I had a friend like you. She messaged me to ask if STBXH and I were still together, then sent me the “This is him isn’t it?” (With screenshot of Bumble) and “I’m really sorry to be the person to do this, but I thought you needed to know…”

I’ve honestly never had any more respect for anyone. It was brave of her to tell me, risking our friendship and my feelings, but it gave me the strength to act on what had only been a suspicion until then. I ended the marriage, rescued my sanity and am honestly now happier than ever.

Please tell her.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 15/06/2021 23:30

If you guys are not that close any more I would just leave it. This happened to me with a "friend". I decided not to say anything because ultimately I do not know the ins and outs of people's relationships. She and I were friends but not uber close. I wondered if they had an open marriage or whatever. Anyway, I'm glad I never said anything. They welcomed 2 grandchildren last year.

nolovelost · 16/06/2021 07:57

The profile might be from before they met.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2021 08:03

The photo has her cropped out though.

Nononsense2 · 16/06/2021 08:06

You are not close anymore and perhaps she was just giving you an excuse because doesn't want to meet you and also doesn't want you to know that they broke up.

Passingahat · 16/06/2021 08:07

Honestly I'd set up a new email account and email it to her anonymously

seensome · 16/06/2021 08:22

I thought the same @Nononsense2

I don't think you know her well enough anymore to get involved unless you do meet up and find more information out.

RedBonnet · 16/06/2021 08:47

@wheresthehope

I think I would message him and tell him to sort himself out or you will let her know you’ve seen his tinder profile. Then tell her

This is what I was going to say, but it could backfire, he could get ahead of the game and badmouth you to her before you get to tell her.

Lots of different views from PP but I think @AttaGirrrrl hit the nail on the head - if it was you being cheated on and your pal found out - would you want her to tell you?

I think you should catch up for coffee some other time and gently mention it. Her reaction will tell you whether to show her 'proof'.

because she knows you don't like him (assumed) she might think you are causing trouble, but depending on how close you are, she might realise that you're not like that.

Norwolf · 16/06/2021 08:53

Definitely forward the screenshots to her, and say it’s what you intended to talk to her about. She’ll decide what to do herself, trip or no trip.

ImprobablePuffin · 16/06/2021 11:05

If you want to do what is best for her and her future then tell her so she can decide what course her life takes.

If the only reason you're not telling her is that she might not like you anymore etc then, although I understand it, it is selfish as you're putting your feelings before hers. I don't mean that harshly but does that make sense?

It's her life and she deserves to know what is going on in it. I wouldn't even wait just message her.

PinkMendinilla · 16/06/2021 11:08

I'd wait until after the weekend, a few days makes no difference.

I think I would tell her though, take screenshots, including with the pics with her cut off so she knows it's recent. Say something like 'I don't know whether he has actually met anyone but didn't want to just ignore this. I will be keeping this to myself but felt you should know'.

She might not do anything but I always feel that the right thing to do (unless you know a couple has a don't ask/ don't tell arrangement or say one is in a care home long term or something) is to allow people access to the facts so they can make their own minds up. You may lose the friendship entirely but to be honest, it sounds like it has changed a lot anyway.

Sakurami · 16/06/2021 11:16

I would be honest with her and send her the screenshots. I'd be hurt if my friends knew and I went away with someone and then found out they were actively trying to cheat (because that's worse than meeting someone and it just happening. He's deliberately out there and using a picture of them together that he has cropped- how vile is that?).

So there are no excuses and she deserves to know. If she forgives him and in the future you see it happening again then I wouldn't say anything because that means that she knows but accepts it and that's up to her).

Stravaig · 16/06/2021 11:51

I wouldn't wait to tell her. If he is cheating, her sexual health is at risk. Their weekend trip could be when he infects her with something.

Gilda152 · 16/06/2021 11:57

If you've seen him though will he not have seen you too?

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 16/06/2021 12:25

He's done hideous things to her before, disrespecting her in front of her children, not telling her he was treating himself for genital warts and then she got it, etc etc. But she has chosen to stay with him after many things I wouldn't put up with personally. That's why I don't like him. Our friendship has faded because he's on the scene. Maybe she's not even bothered if he has a Tinder profile who knows! She seemed enthusiastic about rearranging a meet up but like PP said maybe she's just making an excuse and isn't really bothered about meeting up with me. Maybe i'm best off just keeping out of it and not causing any drama or stress. There's always a chance someone else has seen him on Tinder and will let her know if they are closer to her..? Hmmm. I'll see if she posts anything about the London trip if there are gushy posts with them obviously photographed together then maybe I will say something after then, but i'm still so undecided. I think the mix of posts on here is oddly reassuring to me too, in that it's a difficult decision to make. @Gilda152 he wouldn't have seen me as I have a landscape photo as my pic on Tinder, never put photos of my face on as i'm not actively using it nowadays. I just sometimes swipe through out of interest.

OP posts:

ImprobablePuffin · 16/06/2021 13:32

OP if it was you what would you want?

nolovelost · 16/06/2021 13:35

Tell her.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 16/06/2021 15:43

@ImprobablePuffin I'd want to know, but i'm not sure i'd want to hear it from a friend who thought he was a loser all along as i'd feel a bit embarrassed or awkward about it

OP posts:

Livandme · 16/06/2021 16:07

I'd stay out of it, doesn't sound like you are good friends anymore and I reckon they have probably split up
I didn't make a public announcement saying I wasn't with H anymore on fb. Its no one elses business.

Livandme · 16/06/2021 16:10

Missed the update about the trip. I'd sit tight on the info for now

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 16/06/2021 16:23

Could you message Laura with the pictures?

Bbub · 16/06/2021 19:07

I think you should have either not contacted her at all, or go ahead and tell her right away what you've seen.

You can't claim to be staying out of it when you deliberately put feelers out to her to find out if they are together. You involved yourself now (obviously she doesn't know yet but your conscience??), so should tell her what you know.

FWIW I was going to say since you and her aren't that close anymore i'd mind your own business on this one. But I think it's too late for that now.

The friendship may end after this but if you don't tell her now then what kind of a friend are you anyway?

Bbub · 16/06/2021 19:09

@NotTheCatsWhiskers
Why should OP involve Laura, surely friend will feel more humiliated the more people know? How's more sneaking around going to help. Honestly hope none of my friends would sit on PROOF of my partner cheating.

Lanique · 16/06/2021 19:12

Given the circumstances, I wouldn't do anything about it. If she were a close friend, then yes I would, but in this case I'd leave it. I wouldn't want to get drawn into any drama!

Lanique · 16/06/2021 19:14

Why should she now get involved any further bbub? She's only asked her for a coffee! I'd take her 'unavailability' as a sign not to do anything.

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