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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

saw friend's long term partner on Tinder

75 replies

wobblywinelover · 15/06/2021 21:10

I know this is asked a lot on here and the general consensus seems to be to tell the friend but i'm wondering whether to just keep out of it? Or by keeping out of it and not getting involved does that make me a bad friend?

Bit of backstory, I've been friends with Anna for about 7 years, she used to help look after my son. We always got on really well but weren't close close buddies. Then she met a guy Sam about 3 years ago and i'm sorry to say it but he's a complete knob. (he puts her down, he's a know it all, very immature kind of guy) I tried to keep my feelings to myself but she kept asking me for advice, I told her not to ignore the red flags she was experiencing. Anyway ultimately she ignored my advice, moved in with him in a new house which she can't afford the mortgage on her own and made a go of it. I showed her positive vibes although I didn't really feel it. She kind of faded from me after that - maybe she just thought I didn't like her boyfriend so it felt awkward being friends with me.

Anyway now i've seen him on Tinder. I haven't heard from any official sources if they've split up or not, but I see he's unfriended her from facebook and that's all I know.

Do I get in touch with a general hello and only bring it up if she states they're still together or do I keep out of it completely. Part of me thinks I should, the other part thinks well she wasn't interested in my advice to start with so why would she now? I also don't want to appear like some sort of busybody, maybe I should just keep out of it, none of my business?

Sorry for this repetitive kind of post, it's not always simple though. Any thoughts appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 16/06/2021 19:34

update... i've rang her and told her. I couldn't live with the indecision any longer and felt bad, sent her screenshots via Wattsapp. She said I did the right thing, I feel so awful for her, more to follow when i've got it..

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 19:40

Well done for being brave op. Irregardless of what happens, it was the morally right thing to do.

PurpleMustang · 16/06/2021 19:52

I dont know how the app works. Is there a way of knowing he is using it and not claim to have forgotten to delete his profile (bit like how you haven't been on it for a while, he could try to claim the same)

Lanique · 16/06/2021 20:04

Blimey well hats off to you for being brave op. I'm pleased your friend is being fair to you. I'll beat in mind should I ever be in the unfortunate position of img to tell someone myself one day!

Lanique · 16/06/2021 20:04

*bear
**having

Excuse typos...

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 16/06/2021 20:04

I go on it every few days, so he's definitely a new profile as i'd previously 'finished tinder' ie swiped through them all. He was active late at night, which she says makes sense, and she's thanking me for telling her. She's told me she's just confronted him and said his face looked 'guilty as hell'. He said he'd just been active on it that night after they had had a row, he's sorry and he regrets it. 'As if it's that simple' my friend has said. She has thanked me for being a true friend and telling her. I feel awful for her but at least I saw sense in the end and told her. Thanks for all your replies and thoughts. Who knows what will happen now ...?

OP posts:

katieg03 · 16/06/2021 20:16

I've been Anna.. honestly once one person thankfully had the balls to tell me. Couple people said when I told them wed split up oh I saw him on tinder too. The fact they were happy to let me be publicly humiliated made me cut the friendship

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 16/06/2021 20:22

I feel awful for anyone in this situation, the telling or the receiving of the news. It's so so difficult. I'm so relieved I decided to just do it. I'd had a glass of wine and mulled over all of your posts and just thought hey it's shit or bust. I never wanted to lose her as a friend, hopefully that won't happen now as she seems to be grateful i've told her. What she decides to do with it I don't know. Knowing her she'll probably forgive him, but at least i've done my bit. Awful.. awful situation

OP posts:

rainbowdaz · 16/06/2021 20:46

@nolovelost

The profile might be from before they met.

I think Tinder deactivates profiles after a period of inactivity. It would be a terrible model if they just left up old accounts.

Crimeismymiddlename · 16/06/2021 20:58

I have seen two friends of friends partners on tinder. One is a bit pathetic and I really think he is just on it to chat and get attention, won’t meet up-just as bad and shows how truly sad he is. The other works away a lot and probably does cheat on his wife, who is home with a baby. I won’t tell them as they are not friends in any real sense-just on Facebook and I don’t want to get involved-I also don’t know the circumstances. If it was an actual friend I would. It’s up to you-but she will probably shoot the messenger and be prepared to lose the friendship.

Original poster

wobblywinelover · 17/06/2021 00:13

@crimeismymiddlename fortunately she's taken it well (well as well as she could) and has thanked me for sharing the info with her, she's confronted him about it and he's said he just did it on a whim after an argument (as I suspected he would) despite his profile being fairly well written, thought out and several photos provided involving one which he's had to crop out her from it. Not exactly done on a 'whim' then. She's grateful i've shared it with her and we are meeting next week for a drink. I'm pleased and relieved I did it now. not sure whether she'll dump him over it though she's assured me via text that our friendship isn't over so that's something. Phew. It's been difficult deciding what to do..

OP posts:

Everydayisawindingroad · 17/06/2021 00:25

@PinkMendinilla

I'd wait until after the weekend, a few days makes no difference.

I think I would tell her though, take screenshots, including with the pics with her cut off so she knows it's recent. Say something like 'I don't know whether he has actually met anyone but didn't want to just ignore this. I will be keeping this to myself but felt you should know'.

She might not do anything but I always feel that the right thing to do (unless you know a couple has a don't ask/ don't tell arrangement or say one is in a care home long term or something) is to allow people access to the facts so they can make their own minds up. You may lose the friendship entirely but to be honest, it sounds like it has changed a lot anyway.

A few days might make all the difference if she’s having unprotected sex and ends up with a sexually transmitted infection.

BlueDaises · 17/06/2021 00:37

@wobblywinelover

You are a good honest and decent friend 🌸

RAOK · 17/06/2021 00:46

I’ve been in this exactly situation and it’s incredibly stressful. All of the advice is don’t tell them as they usually believe the partner and end the friendship which is exactly what happened to me. At the time she said she had a feeling he might’ve been cheating but then believed his BS and cut me off. I’m still glad I told her as now she can make an informed choice and hopefully protect her own sexual health better now too.

TinaTurnoff · 17/06/2021 01:12

Glad you have contacted her to tell her. I saw a friend’s husband on Tinder a while back. We weren’t very close friends, more school-mom acquaintances, but she had reached out to me very kindly when my own marriage had ended a few years earlier. I didn’t tell her straight away, but when I next saw her, asked if I could have a word. Turned out the marriage was quietly ending anyway; she had discovered he was messaging women and now knew for sure he was on the way out, so it galvanised her resolve. Once she knew I knew, she had some support and solidarity from me and that helped her to move on. You were a good friend, and I’m glad she saw your intentions were to protect her

HeavenHotel · 17/06/2021 01:18

Think we all know she's not going to dump him.

Have a lovely catch up lunch though OP

Lunettesloupes · 17/06/2021 01:22

I agree with the PP and I suspect you’ll get dumped some time after you meet up with her.

SengaMac · 17/06/2021 01:30

You did the right thing.
Now that she knows, it's entirely up to her what she does about it.

AttaGirrrrl · 17/06/2021 06:42

You’re a good friend. From a former ‘Anna’, thank you.

Bbub · 17/06/2021 16:06

@Lanique
Obviously no one is obliged to get involved but you cant consider yourself a friend if you turn a blind eye IMO.

Well done OP and I'm glad that she reacted like that, (and in turn that he admitted it rather than saying someone else made it etc) no matter what happens between them you did the right thing

Majorfluff · 17/06/2021 17:29

I am torn on this, know a few people, both men and women having affairs, including one who is on MN. Decided not to get involved, rightly or wrong.

Ziri · 17/06/2021 18:59

This is a shit load of shit..just tell her already and let her know the kind of arsehole she's been dealing with. Could save her years of heartache and give her time to heal and move on.

QueenBee52 · 17/06/2021 19:12

@Ziri

This is a shit load of shit..just tell her already and let her know the kind of arsehole she's been dealing with. Could save her years of heartache and give her time to heal and move on.

She did tell her ...

read the thread 🌸

ImprobablePuffin · 17/06/2021 23:03

[quote wobblywinelover]@ImprobablePuffin I'd want to know, but i'm not sure i'd want to hear it from a friend who thought he was a loser all along as i'd feel a bit embarrassed or awkward about it[/quote]
Read the first four words you wrote.

HeavenHotel · 29/06/2021 11:37

@wobblywinelover how did the lunch go?

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