No communication between dates! Would you find this odd?

[Catsgrey]

We are now on the 4th date and he never contacts me apart from sorting out a date to next meet (no sex involved at this point) strictly dating. I have tried initiating contact between dates but he says he is very busy as he has a lot on at the moment and I don't want to keep trying if that is not what he wants

I feel we will get to know each other more if we communicate between dates and I really like him so I miss speaking to him in between. On the dates he seems really interested, surely we wouldn't be up to the 4th date if he wasn't interested but the lack of communication between dates suggests to me he is not interested!

Opinions/views/suggestions all welcome. I'm really confused! Do I end it now before things go further? As I say, I really like him but obviously not enjoy the lack of contact/communication before dates.

Should I speak to him about this? How would I phrase it without sounding needy?

P.s. he is 100% single so I know that is not the reason.

He’s hardly making the effort to keep you interested is he OP?

Fair enough if he doesn’t like texting, but a mid week phone call wouldn’t hurt! You perhaps shouldn’t be in the position where all the contact and arrangements is down to you, as the PP said, it needs to come from both of you.

For me when I was dating, this early stage was the part that I liked the most, establishing each others values, humour, interests.

You will make your own decision of course. If it’s this hard work this early on then for me, it wouldn’t be worth it.

@Ragwort he is a single dad to two dc who are now teenagers (no mum on the scene).
Yes he is definitely taking things slowly which I now like.

@Daisypaisy he has been doing the majority of contact to find out when I'm free as I have other responsibilities too.

I’m with Daisypaisy. When DH and I were dating in the early nineties we didn’t have mobile phones so we would phone each other for a chat in the evenings - not every evening, but certainly between the dates. We’d write letters or send cards, just get to know each other between meeting and chatting to each other was something we looked forward to as much as the dates. Every relationship is different obviously, and what works for one won’t work for another - but just don’t put his needs and preferences above your own. A healthy relationship needs to be equal, one person shouldn’t be calling the shots all the time and there has to be some compromise. FGS, it’s only a few texts you’re looking for, not obsessive messaging day and night!

Ah well that’s fair enough then. If you’re both busy then just take it for what it is, hope you both have some fun 😊

He sounds very centred in himself/passive. You feel weird about the lack of contact because it does communicate a lack of energy, a lack of excitement about seeing you/the possible relationship.

It’s a bit lacklustre.

A single Dad (or Mum) with teenagers is bound to be busy, assuming he is working all day and spending time with his children or just busy doing chores etc in the evenings .. not much time to spend texting, he sounds perfectly normal (& not pushy) ... I would personally be wary of someone needlessly texting; he seems confident, he's enjoyed his dates with you, looking forward to seeing you again and (presumably) not hassling for sex ... what's not to like?

I use text to make arrangements and have never much liked talking on the phone. I'll engage in WhatsApp groups but find endless trivia and banter annoying after a while.

Plus meeting every 4 days to a week is quite frequent, especially if life is busy. He sounds perfectly normal to me. If you like him, keep going.

"Lacklustre" ...... they've had four dates !!!

I don't think it's weird for older millennials / Gen X to not be that into texting to be honest. If you grew up / experienced young adulthood when texting was expensive / WhatsApp etc. didn't exist then you need a reason to develop that habit. I didn't really communicate by text much until IM became the norm at work and more WhatsApp chats formed in lockdown. I still don't like doing it with people I haven't formed some kind of relationship with in person (or at work, over Zoom).

The fact he's happy to speak on the phone suggests he might just be being honest about the texting thing. That said, if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you (which is also fair enough).

And no contact in between because he’s too busy. That’ll get the heart racing!

In all seriousness OP, I hope it all works out for you (but remember- don’t you settle for second best or something that doesn’t feel right to you)

@MaMelon

He’ll make himself available?!! Good grief, he certainly has a way with words.

Beware of seeing things from a different perspective in order to justify his behaviour - there’s a vast middle ground between fake miss yous and no contact between dates.

This exactly. It's deemed positive if he doesn't get in touch at all but it should be viewed cynically if he did get in touch, because he must be doing that with 10 other women

I doubt many people enjoy boring small talk but you need to experience what it's like to be in touch to know if you deem the person as boring, if they can only make small talk, if they can make you smile with one text. Communication is vital for getting to know one another. If that part is blocked out until you're face to face it could be a long time before you really get to know him.

It seems here you'll get 2 perspectives

1. Don't accept what you're not happy with
2. Interaction between dates is negative

It's your perception that counts.

I agree @seensome

Exactly - lacklustre is a tad ridiculous! 4 dates at intervals of a week or less is pretty good going for a lone parent with sole care of children even if the children are teens.

I think there's a difference between having high standards and setting yourself up to fail, and posters calling this guy lacklustre or disinterested simply because he's not texting between dates even though those dates are only a few days apart are being ott. There's nothing in what the OP has posted to say he isn't interested. He may not be in tune with her expectations around contact and vice versa. But thars a personal thing and completely different to whether someone is interested or not!

Sounds normal and healthy.

Yes busy.

He’s seeing you at least a week.

I think it depends on what YOU want from a relationship - if you're looking to fall madly in love, maybe this isn't the person for you. My only experiences of proper love is a mutual feeling where you can't get enough of each other and want to talk to each other or about each other as much as possible.

Reading this thread though, it's clear other people have different experiences, so you really have to be led by your own instincts here...

You're not losing anything by giving the relationship some time to evolve and see where it goes. If you don't feel a bit more at ease with things in a while, just be honest and have a conversation with him about it. Don't be scared to be vulnerable about it. In these situations, we tend to assume the worse case scenario, but maybe he's scared of being hurt, jumping in etc. You don't know for sure until you ask.

OP I think he is multidating, therefore radio silence.
And I had to laugh about old forty somethings not texting! Have whatsapp, facebook instagram. I am 46. My own mother who is 76 whatsapps and facetimes. What world do some people live in?
OP, if it bothers you, tell him. And depending on the answer bin or not.

He's just a bit old fashioned. Some men don't feel the need to be in constant contact. I don't think you need to be concerned. More to talk about when you go out on dates too. He will see you as too needy if you insist on constant texts and you'll probably put him off. Enjoy what you've got rather than looking for problems that are unlikely to exist.

I think it's odd. Back in the day when my late DH and I were dating , there were no mobile phones and there just wasn't the option to be in touch between dates, apart from doing so via shared phones with other flat mates . However it's so much easier now and even if he is a bit old fashioned I would have thought that if he was really interested , he would be thinking of you and using whatever communication tool that he has , to send you a quick 'Hi , hope you are having a good day ' kind of message

I don't understand why people expect constant texting! if you have a full on job Monday to Friday, that can be between 8 and 10 hours per day, with or without a commute, add in 2/3/4 gym/ exercise sessions, showers hair washing, food shopping, cooking. Catching up with normal friends and family can be hard enough. Add in a couple of dates a week, god that would be enough for me!!

Following this with interest . It's good to get others perspective.

OP I haven't seen anything on here that suggests you're asking for constant contact.
It's good to get another perspective but a huge portion of those telling you to put up are under the impression you're asking for constant contact, their experience of contact has been boring or they have a cynical view that if he's in touch he must be sending the same to other women.

In reality if he wanted to speak to you in between, he would. He's not "too busy" to get in touch. Where there's a will there's a way. I doubt he goes through life not engaging with anyone. If he's willing to date, he has time.

I'm with the others who say speak to him. I don't think you should shut up and put up in fear of being seen as needy. There must've already been some discussion around it if you know that he won't do it, but you can contact him. The fact you do contact him despite what he's said, he should be picking up on this cue.
I thought you were looking for the odd interaction between dates? See how he is with compromise. It will probably be fine, if not you're better to know now.

This wouldn't work for me. I'm not massively needy but I like to maintain an emotional connection in between a physical one (e.g. a date). And communication is an emotional connection - whether by phone or text.

Intermittent comms makes me feel disposable - like being picked up and put down. I like consistency and regularity - I'm not asking for constant texts, or daily phone calls. Just something to demonstrate that he's thinking of me between dates.

Also the "basically saying when I want to see him let him know and he will make the time" really wouldn't work for me. It would make me feel even more disposable!! I want someone to WANT to see me. By mutual arrangement obviously, but I want a man who will say "hey do you fancy doing something on Saturday?" rather than saying "hey you do all the work and I'll fit you in". Not about who is chasing who, but a balance of agreements and arrangements.

When I was dating, eons ago and often would be dating 3 or 4 men at the same time, I'd still find time to chat to all of them between dates.

I think he's either a 'cant be arsed' type which is hardly great is it, or, another vote for married.

My grandfather apparently had a whole other family that noone knew about until after he died

[quote Catsgrey]@beefest that could be it. He is middle 40s so older than me. We have just been going to quite places where we can talk, he did say he prefers face to face talking as you can not see expressions nor pick up meaning etc via text.

I did know him prior the 4 dates albeit not extremely well, however, well enough to know he is a nice guy.[/quote]

So he likes things to be done his way. Good luck with that 🤣

Also you like him too much to end it after FOUR dates? Wtf?

@TeamRick completely agree - modern life is busy.

I don't speak to friends from one month to the next (if we're meeting up there might be a flurry of texts or emails - or we exchange messages on birthdays, Christmas etc) but other than that I've got enough to do with work, home, exercise and family. I had time for dating (when I was single) but constant text conversations or chatting for the sake of it just used to exhaust me!

Am very thankful my DP was on the same page.

Seems to be 50 50 in responses. I suppose time will tell. May be he will become more interactive as we progress, only time will tell I suppose.