No communication between dates! Would you find this odd?

[Catsgrey]

We are now on the 4th date and he never contacts me apart from sorting out a date to next meet (no sex involved at this point) strictly dating. I have tried initiating contact between dates but he says he is very busy as he has a lot on at the moment and I don't want to keep trying if that is not what he wants

I feel we will get to know each other more if we communicate between dates and I really like him so I miss speaking to him in between. On the dates he seems really interested, surely we wouldn't be up to the 4th date if he wasn't interested but the lack of communication between dates suggests to me he is not interested!

Opinions/views/suggestions all welcome. I'm really confused! Do I end it now before things go further? As I say, I really like him but obviously not enjoy the lack of contact/communication before dates.

Should I speak to him about this? How would I phrase it without sounding needy?

P.s. he is 100% single so I know that is not the reason.

If you're sure it's not marriage or another girlfriend(s) then maybe he just doesn't like texting or phoning - I hate it too to be honest albeit this is me now as a person who has been in the same relationship for 26 years

I don't think this would bother me too much if he was keen to have regular dates and you know that he's not seeing anyone else. As long as the dates were weekly that would suit me for the time being. Obviously I'd be hoping it might get more serious and lead to spending whole weekends together etc but if everything else was good then the lack of texts wouldn't be a problem at all.

he's just not big on txt etc but I can call him whenever I want, this is what he told me
Well that's good of him 😂
He might not be big on it, a lot of people aren't, but if he's trying to build a relationship with someone new and expects them to make time for him, he can send a text message. It takes minimal effort. 4 days to a week with complete silence isn't good.

I see where you are coming from. It takes seconds to say ‘really enjoyed last night’. I was invested after 4 dates too - if you meet someone and just click of course you want to pursue it. 13 years later and married….
Keep your wits about you and see if it improves…

That's absolutely ideal for me. Especially when theres only 4 days between dates. Maybe if theres a week I would like a quick text exchange midweek though tbf.

I generally think texting should be reserved for arranging things only. But technology has made people needy as fuck.

When I'm on a date with someone I give them my full attention but I don't want to spend the rest of my week looking at my phone for them.

Maybe he is dating other people. So what? Its 4 dates in and he is still entitled to. Better than those creeps that text all the women with the same shit.

Maybe it should make you assess how much time you are willing to dedicate to your phone for some guy you barely know!

When we last spoke he told me whenever I'm available he will make time to see me, he's just not big on txt etc but I can call him whenever I want

How magnanimous of him It sounds as if he’s moving at a much slower pace than you are here, which is fine if you’re happy with that - and not fine if you’re not. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what any of us think, you’re dating him and the only thing that matters is how the situation makes you feel. Normally there’s a bit of compromise on these things - eg he’d send a few ‘hi, how are you’ texts because he knows you like them and you’d accept he’s not going to text every hour because that’s not his thing. That doesn’t seem to be the case here for whatever reason.

You could decide it’s not important in the overall scheme of things - that you know he’s not already in a relationship, that you really like him and have a fab time when you do see him, and that texts don’t really matter, or you could decide he’s not putting enough effort in, that he doesn’t seem as keen on you as you are on him, and that’s not what you want from a relationship. Or anything in between!

Just whatever you do, don’t settle for something that’s not completely right

What is he so busy with?, will this be a problem if you lived together, would he be able to make time for you from his 'hobby' busyness?

I'd start to forget about him after a couple days. Out of sight, out of mind. I would think he'd been resurrected from the dead of he tried to arrange a date after a few days to a week of pretending we both don't know one another.

He has the means to do it, he's choosing not to. I couldn't be bothered with someone who made no communication at all but expected me to take time out of my week for him.

How do you really get to know each other of you speak once a week or every 4 days? If one of you couldnt make the weekly date, it would be what, a fortnight of nothing.
Is he calling all the shots? Have you noticed any other selfish behaviours?

Oh, you can call him if you want to, that's fine then as long as he doesn't have to reciprocate.
It very much sounds like he is setting his stall out from the beginning. Basically saying that you can chase him and put the effort in, but he won't be.
Beware of the man who likes attention, but does minimal effort. Unfortunately, it looks like his approach is working with you, and being put on the back foot has got you hooked, this shows you are vulnerable to finding yourself in a miserable situation.
Think hard whether this is for you long term. I'm older than he is, but I'd only cut someone text slack if they were dyslexic, in which case I'd expect a phonecall from their end now and then. It doesn't matter how it was 30 years ago, we live in the here and now, and us oldies are capable of adaption to the times.

He says that you can call him but why does he not just take the initiative himself to call? It doesn't seem like he's that bothered in building a stronger connection with you, when I get men like this, I don't carry on dating them, having the same approach about contact is important or you will never be satisfied.

I don't really like texting but love to chat and used to just message my now boyfriend if he fancied a chat...and usually did/do for 1-3 hours haha.

Hmm what if you become serious and he still never messages you or sends you funny banter etc, what if he goes on work trips and you don’t hear from him the whole time? Would you like that? Compatible communication styles are really important for a happy partnership.

Also 40 is young! People who are 40 had MySpace...

Honestly don't read too much into this or listen to people saying oh if he's interested he'd be texting you daily. Really that's such bollocks.

Not everyone wants to text someone every day, or call them or whatever. When I first met my partner 7 years ago, we had dates once or twice a week, and between times really only text to arrange the next date. I didn't speak to him on the phone for over a year! That worked for us.

I'd had plenty of dates and brief relationships with men who texted all the time, morning, evening, all day long. It meant absolutely nothing. They had no interest in a long term relationship - if anything the more frequent the texts the less interested in me they actually were!

Honestly OP, I wouldn't dismiss it as lack of interest. If it doesn't work for you, then you'll have to end things BUT I would think about why it doesn't work - do you really need to hear from him daily or is it what you're telling yourself (because you buy into some of the stuff on this thread) that if he was keen he would be contacting you that often? I remember having a similar internal conversation with myself in the early days with my partner, and realised actually I was happier not having to keep up with constant communication!

@Umberellatheweatha

That's absolutely ideal for me. Especially when theres only 4 days between dates. Maybe if theres a week I would like a quick text exchange midweek though tbf.

I generally think texting should be reserved for arranging things only. But technology has made people needy as fuck.

When I'm on a date with someone I give them my full attention but I don't want to spend the rest of my week looking at my phone for them.

Maybe he is dating other people. So what? Its 4 dates in and he is still entitled to. Better than those creeps that text all the women with the same shit.

Maybe it should make you assess how much time you are willing to dedicate to your phone for some guy you barely know!

Would be ideal for me too, 4 days in between dates is nothing really, but I’m older, so don’t really text much anyhow,

[quote Catsgrey]@beefest that could be it. He is middle 40s so older than me. We have just been going to quite places where we can talk, he did say he prefers face to face talking as you can not see expressions nor pick up meaning etc via text.

I did know him prior the 4 dates albeit not extremely well, however, well enough to know he is a nice guy.[/quote]
Oh my goodness 40 is not old. We do know how to use text etc. I’m 56 and my partner is 55 we text all the time. My friend is 74 she can text frequently too,

It takes 2 secs to say morning.

He isn’t that interested in how you are between dates. Why can’t he call you?

When we last spoke he told me whenever I'm available he will make time to see me, he's just not big on txt etc but I can call him whenever I want, this is what he told me

See I would just take this at face value - he enjoys meeting up with you or talking on phone, he's just not much of a texter! I think people vary on this. Some people love chatting by text, others just use it to arrange stuff and prefer to chat in person / on phone. I'm more of the latter - if I'm doing something else or just relaxing, I don't really want to keep jumping in and out of a text conversation.

If he'd said not to contact him between dates, or was arsey when you did so, it would be a different story.

Crikey - I’m 52 and message all the time. DS is 58 and also knows how to…we’re not that old!!

There's a difference between minimal contact and no contact at all. Silence. No calls, no texts, but he will speak if OP phones him. I would be reluctant to phone someone who I knew didn't want to. Phone calls are more intrusive than a text.

If you like him OP by all means continue to see him but really, how many months is it going to be before you actually gets to know him with his no contact rule? Early days are crucial in finding out if its worth your time. You're literally waiting until you're both free at some point each week before you can even acknowledge each other. I would be off.
It's nice to hear from someone you like and keeps you interested.

The op said it can be 4 days to a week, for me personally I wouldn’t want to date someone I didn’t hear from for a week, I would lose interest very quickly.

As I said, my partner and I were never in daily text or phone contact, we're still not now, 7 years on. That's nothing to do with tech incapability, although we're in our 40s we've both had mobile phones since 1995! But neither of us is a fan of constant communication, nor felt we had anything to prove by daily chit chat. I would find I looked forward to our dates more because we'd have a week's news to catch up on, which would have been diluted if we'd been chatting daily about what we had for tea or whatever. Plenty of time for those boring daily chats once you live together and speak every day!

No it's weird, whatever the age and however little you like texting.

I HATE texting and no way would I be up for big long chats. But I would 100 per cent expect a date to have the odd thing to say between dates - you know, when you think of the person and text to say goodnight or good morning.

To go a whole week of nothing in between dates reeks of 'out of sight, out of mind'. I'm quite happy for men to be dating other people, but to be stuck in a box between dates? Nope, not up for that.

And passive reciprocation is never good. If he likes chatting on the phone, and knows you do too, then if he liked you, he'd take the initiative and do it.

You can send a text literally whilst sitting on the toilet, so I am never impressed by an ability to text. But a complete inability to show any interest between dates? No.

And forget that you knew him before and he is a 'nice guy'. You only knew 'acquaintance' him, you did not know 'dating' him. Dating him appears to be a bit crap.

The fact you cannot end it after 4 dates is overly invested too, as others have pointed out.

I'd tell him that his lack of communication between dates was making me lose interest in him, and see how he responds. No increase means he doesn't care.

Oh gosh no, not the dreaded 'good night' and 'good morning' texts. I absolutely hate them (Even in relationships tbh) Why should I be the last thing a person thinks of at night a few dates in? Cringe.

Maybe a good moring text here and there...like, once between dates. But generally, no.

I'm currently having an affair with a single man. I am married.

My AP rarely contacts me between dates/seeing each other, but knows it is safe to contact me at any time. In the early days he messaged me a fair amount, in the later months (8 months in) I could go over a week without hearing from him. He is online LOADS. He is dating other people between seeing me, he has told me. He says is not sleeping with anyone else. That's not to say he wouldn't if the opportunity was there or if he is lying or not. I have no idea.

That is why I think the man you are seeing could possibly be dating others inbetween seeing you. As much as it pains me to say that for you. Why are there no messages with 'thinking of you' type of thing or 'hope you're ok, what have you been up to, cant wait to see you next'

ALL VERY ODD

Does he get in touch a week (or close to) after the last time you've seen him to meet?
It wouldn't hurt him to put in a bit of effort.
He might not be big on texting but that's not an allowance for ignorance. It's a bit ridiculous when he's pursuing you and you've to graciously accept it because he'll "make time" for you.
DP and I text occasionally between dates in the early days, not about what's for dinner, or good night and good morning texts. We had chat, we got along. We weren't constantly in touch, but we knew the other hadn't dropped off the face of the earth.